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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Continually banned from ex's various places of work!

185 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:15

2 years an ex boyfriend dumped me suddenly during a mental health crisis. He claimed I didn't care enough about him. It came from nowhere and it was traumatic for me. Nothing had happened, everything seemed normal. I believe an ex-girlfriend getting in touch had set him off.

We live in a very small town. He worked in a local popular pub chain at the time. I was a regular there, had been going for a couple of years before he started there and we got together. I went with family and friends all the time. When he dumped me, I continued with my social life, but everytime I went to the pub, I was asked to leave. I got fed up of it, and stopped going there.

Fast forward to now. Ex has got a job at a cocktail bar that I frequent(ed) often with my boyfriend. Also been going there on and off for years. Great place and never had a problem! Booked and turned up the other night, to be refused entry because a "member of staff feels uncomfortable with me being there".

Is this ridiculous? It was 2 years ago, he dumped me and broke my heart, if I can cope with seeing him can't he cope with seeing me? I know I can't dictate how someone feels, but it feels very petty. He's definitely over me as he blocked me on everything and never got in touch again.

I honestly feel a little harassed by him and it was very embarrassing being told to leave.

I emailed the bar to complain and they said they put their staff's wellbeing as a top priority. I understand that, of course, but also annoyed he's still playing the victim and trying to punish me for something I don't know.

Aibu? There's not a great choice of places to go around here. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
Ceto · 08/09/2021 08:55

[quote TooBigForMyBoots]**@Jemand, the article you link to is 10 years old and completely irrelevant to what is happening to @missbunnyrabbit today.[/quote]
Since when does the law automatically go out of date after ten years?

MatildaIThink · 08/09/2021 08:56

@Aspiringmatriarch

The OP had said that they lived in a small town which might limit their options. In terms of my large sized town there are only four decent pubs within the town centre (although others I would not want to visit), and whilst there are other lovely pubs in the surrounding villages, they have a different atmosphere and are places that would involve driving to or taxis etc.

From the information provided here the ex-boyfriend seems deranged, but unfortunately there is very little that can be done about that.

BadLad · 08/09/2021 09:15

several posters have lapped it up & taken it at face value to the point where they’re willing to lie online & trash a business i.e. commit libel / defamation - all on the word of an anonymous poster

how has anyone libelled anyone else when neither OP, her ex or the bar in question have been identified?

It appears that you're struggling with the meaning of "are willing to"

Read the thread again, and you will indeed find several posters offering to do exactly that.

MedusasBadHairDay · 08/09/2021 09:28

I'm another one who doesn't understand why the OP wants to even be in the same pub as the ex? Especially after the first time he got her kicked out, surely that would be enough to make you never want to be anywhere near him again?

I get being annoyed about people spreading lies, my psycho ex (the textbook coercive control relationship with a hint of physical abuse resulting in a breakdown for me) spread various lies about me, including that I'd stolen money from him and cheated in him - the person I cheated with changed depending on who he was talking to. I realised you couldn't reason with someone like that so just left him to it, and cut him out of my life entirely instead.

HeartsAndClubs · 08/09/2021 09:45

how has anyone libelled anyone else when neither OP, her ex or the bar in question have been identified? well, plenty of posters are suggesting posting fake reviews on tripadviser, even offering to do it themselves, identifying both the establishments and the ex. One poster has even suggesting getting the bloke fired from his job.

You don’t think any of that is libel/defamation?

Whereas the bar owners haven’t actually said anything about the OP, they have merely asked her to leave, which is their right. A bar can refuse to serve someone for any reason they wish.

Aspiringmatriarch · 08/09/2021 09:57

@MatildaIThink I understand that and it must have been a shock and very annoying, but regardless I wouldn't be going back after an experience like that! And if it's big enough to have at least one pub and one cocktail bar, I'm sure OP can find a way to survive. I wouldn't want the drama personally and clearly the ex either has significant mental issues, or has been somehow traumatised by the relationship with OP, or both. I'm not ascribing blame but it's certainly a situation I'd want to stay well away from.

CottonSock · 08/09/2021 09:59

Just leave it. He has mental health illness and you make him uncomfortable. It might not be anything you did, but just a reminder of the crisis he had. He could feel anxiety and panic when he sees you. You just don't know. His employer backs him up.

wigglerose · 08/09/2021 11:10

OP needs to leave it.

Go back to the bar you were barred from previously if you want to get some power back.

OP needs to drink elsewhere.

However the OP does know what she's 'done' and why she has been barred. She's been told it's because it makes him uncomfortable. Rightly or wrongly. True or false. There's no need to find out further information.

TheOccupier · 08/09/2021 11:20

@Porcupineintherough

He can cope with the general public *@TheOccupier he just doesnt want to deal with the OP* . And if she follows your deranged advice I dont blame him.
Nah, if you work in a public-facing role you don't get to pick and choose which members of the public you'll assist. If he were an A&E doctor and the OP were brought to his hospital in an ambulance, would it be OK for him to tell the paramedics to take her somewhere else?
TheOccupier · 08/09/2021 11:21

[quote MichelleScarn]@theoccupier, would you honestly do something so dishonestly deranged?[/quote]
Yup. But not under my own name, and reviews would be generally about the bar being shit/overpriced or whatever, rather than mentioning that my ex works there and banned me.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2021 11:28

It's maddening but the guy sounds nuts, maybe you are better off staying away from him for your own benefit

MichelleScarn · 08/09/2021 11:41

occupier even if that's a total lie, and could create income difficulties for the owners and subsequently all staff?
That's awful

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 08/09/2021 12:55

@Ceto

several posters have lapped it up & taken it at face value to the point where they’re willing to lie online & trash a business i.e. commit libel / defamation - all on the word of an anonymous poster

@DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight, how has anyone libelled anyone else when neither OP, her ex or the bar in question have been identified?

The bar in this instance has not - publicly or otherwise - accused OP of any offence therefore they are not defaming her; they are within their right to refuse service (bar discrimination).

Where do you get the idea that it is only defamation if they are making an accusation of a criminal offence?

@Ceto, I suggest you go back & read the thread.
  1. PPs have told the OP to DM her with the details so they can leave fake reviews online - that’s what I’m referring to.
  1. If you had bothered to read my post properly, you’d see I was replying directly to another poster who left a link detailing a different situation & equating it to the OPs - in that situation it was libel / defamation as the person was accused of a criminal offence, I was pointing out the OP was not accused of a criminal offence so it’s not defamation as per that example. I’m not sure how you missed what I was talking about as I actually quoted the relevant section from that poster’s link in my post.
HarrietsChariot · 08/09/2021 13:17

The OP needs to leave it and avoid going to the ex's workplace. It doesn't matter that she considers it unfair, employers have a duty to protect their staff and take what their staff tell them at face value.

It would be easy for a bystander to see the behaviour described and think that on the balance of probability the ex may be right.

Ultimately all the ex seems to be doing wrong is to want to have a job, get on with his life and not having his ex turning up at his workplace all the time. If a woman posted on Mumsnet that her ex kept turning up at her workplace so she changed job, and then the ex started turning up there instead, most people would probably describe it as creepy/stalkerish.

I also wouldn't go down the route someone suggested of taking legal action. Defamation cases are notoriously difficult for the complainant to prove and the complainant will almost always lose money, even if they win. Often the defence's legal costs can be charged to the complainant even if the case is proved. Defamation is different to many cases in this regard.

If the case did get to court, it would be likely that the court would rule that the ex's mental health issues had to be taken into account, and that even if there was defamation going on, the penalty would be lessened.

The OP too would have to prove a substantial loss from the defamation. Usually being asked to leave a pub or an ex saying negative things about them would not be classed as substantial.

Ceto · 08/09/2021 13:26

@DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight, sorry, that last response was meant to be to @TooBigForMyBoots

Jemand · 08/09/2021 13:34

employers have a duty to protect their staff and take what their staff tell them at face value

They really don't have to take what they're told at face value. They are entitled at the very least to make some effort to check the facts before they start alienating people who have been regular and blameless customers for some time. At most all this employer had to do was find something for OP's ex to do behind the scenes till OP had disappeared. The employer is entitled to be a bit unhappy that the ex didn't warn him before he was taken on that he might be asking them to turn away established customers.

Justforphoto · 08/09/2021 13:47

@Jemand

employers have a duty to protect their staff and take what their staff tell them at face value

They really don't have to take what they're told at face value. They are entitled at the very least to make some effort to check the facts before they start alienating people who have been regular and blameless customers for some time. At most all this employer had to do was find something for OP's ex to do behind the scenes till OP had disappeared. The employer is entitled to be a bit unhappy that the ex didn't warn him before he was taken on that he might be asking them to turn away established customers.

That is true Jemand but either the employer has chosen not to use their entitlement or they have done and there is evidence to support his claims. Which ever way it is there is no benefit to the op in trying to pursue this and forcing her way into her ex's workplace all it will do is reinforce the narrative that he has reason to be concerned
TreeSmuggler · 08/09/2021 14:09

Just go somewhere else. Why on earth would you want to see him? If an ex of mine started working at a bar I went to, I'd take that as my cue to check out a new place. It's not about holding your head up high, it's about actually enjoying your outing with no awkwardness. And that's what you want right? Right....?

Who cares what he has been saying about you? Any of our exes could be slagging us off right now, so long as it's to strangers and not to our families, children, boss, etc, who cares? If I was your bf I'd be ShockConfused at your desire to spend our dates getting back at your ex!

TreeSmuggler · 08/09/2021 14:10

Also he may not have said anything bad about you. For all you know he could have said "OP is really great but we had a bad break up, I've had mental health problems in the past and it affected me at the time, I'd really find it difficult to see her, could you ask her not to come in?"

x2boys · 08/09/2021 14:25

@Jemand

employers have a duty to protect their staff and take what their staff tell them at face value

They really don't have to take what they're told at face value. They are entitled at the very least to make some effort to check the facts before they start alienating people who have been regular and blameless customers for some time. At most all this employer had to do was find something for OP's ex to do behind the scenes till OP had disappeared. The employer is entitled to be a bit unhappy that the ex didn't warn him before he was taken on that he might be asking them to turn away established customers.

The irony, when most posters on here are taking what the Op says at face value....
ShaneTheThird · 08/09/2021 14:55

Honestly op I wouldn't keep perusing this no matter how unfair you feel it is. The bar has a duty of care to protect its staff so they haven't done anything wrong, providing they haven't banned multiple people on his say so which isn't the case. As he no longer works in the other pub start going back there. Don't draw attention to yourself or him as it looks bad on you.

Jemand · 08/09/2021 15:37

@x2boys, no irony at all. People obviously can choose what they do or do not take at face value on social media; but the poster was implying that employers don't have that choice in relation to their employees. Which obviously is incorrect.

Jemand · 08/09/2021 15:39

There is, however, perhaps a degree of irony in the fact that people are choosing not to accept what OP says and have decided that she is some mad stalker, whilst deciding that the ex is a persecuted innocent who must be believed implicitly and protected by his employer.

midsomermurderess · 08/09/2021 16:39

On a thread, how has Mumsnet changed, a few weeks ago, someone said that they see so much more social ineptitude and so much more mental illness now. This thread has them all. She thought both had increased in part as this has become a place to go for people who struggle to interact successfully in the real world, or to interact at all. It's becoming quite odd, quite sad.
And the poster has left the building. Why keep rattling on? Who are you all taking to?

mathanxiety · 08/09/2021 16:51

Ultimately all the ex seems to be doing wrong is to want to have a job, get on with his life and not having his ex turning up at his workplace all the time.

That's reasonable on the surface, but the ex works as a server in public houses he knows the OP frequents.

What if he were a ticket agent at her local train station? A bus driver whose route and schedule meant that he was driving the bus that she takes to work?

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