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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Continually banned from ex's various places of work!

185 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:15

2 years an ex boyfriend dumped me suddenly during a mental health crisis. He claimed I didn't care enough about him. It came from nowhere and it was traumatic for me. Nothing had happened, everything seemed normal. I believe an ex-girlfriend getting in touch had set him off.

We live in a very small town. He worked in a local popular pub chain at the time. I was a regular there, had been going for a couple of years before he started there and we got together. I went with family and friends all the time. When he dumped me, I continued with my social life, but everytime I went to the pub, I was asked to leave. I got fed up of it, and stopped going there.

Fast forward to now. Ex has got a job at a cocktail bar that I frequent(ed) often with my boyfriend. Also been going there on and off for years. Great place and never had a problem! Booked and turned up the other night, to be refused entry because a "member of staff feels uncomfortable with me being there".

Is this ridiculous? It was 2 years ago, he dumped me and broke my heart, if I can cope with seeing him can't he cope with seeing me? I know I can't dictate how someone feels, but it feels very petty. He's definitely over me as he blocked me on everything and never got in touch again.

I honestly feel a little harassed by him and it was very embarrassing being told to leave.

I emailed the bar to complain and they said they put their staff's wellbeing as a top priority. I understand that, of course, but also annoyed he's still playing the victim and trying to punish me for something I don't know.

Aibu? There's not a great choice of places to go around here. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:08

@BaggiesBride

I would love to know!!! Something like "she caused all my lifelong mental health problems by not being as good as my ex-girlfriend" blah blah.

OP posts:
Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 07/09/2021 20:09

I don't think it's fair that people are judging him and dismissing his feelings. It's to their credit that his employees protect him from the threat that he perceives there to be. You may feel as though you did nothing wrong and he may have mental health issues but that doesn't mean that his feelings should be overlooked. If I was you I would respect their decision and go elsewhere.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:10

@MorganKitten
I was going to do that, post on trip advisor and places saying how disappointed i am with their handling of the situation.

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 07/09/2021 20:11

@Bigbonesmeatandgravy

I don't think it's fair that people are judging him and dismissing his feelings. It's to their credit that his employees protect him from the threat that he perceives there to be. You may feel as though you did nothing wrong and he may have mental health issues but that doesn't mean that his feelings should be overlooked. If I was you I would respect their decision and go elsewhere.
I agree with you 100%, no one's feelings should be dismissed when it comes to mental health. But what if he's telling his manager a crock of shit about OP? If she supposed to just sit there and let him trash her reputation? She's within her rights to find out what she's being accused of.
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2021 20:12

I would be tempted to get a solicitor involved tbh. It sounds as if he is trashing your reputation.

Otherwise you could write again stating what Loudestcat has outlined, especially the defamation of character / slander. Then continue that you understand he feels he needs to not be near you for his mental health, that you do not intend to go to his place of work whilst he still works there. Perhaps add that as a patron of many years, who has a track record of respectful and calm behaviour, you are perplexed by their stance.

But with the latter approach, you risk being seen as harassing him simply for writing to them, which is why I would do the solicitor route.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:13

@romdowa

If emailing the establishment didn't get you anywhere , then I would be getting legal advice. The lies this guy is telling about you could be considered as slander. I'd never want to go there again anyway but I couldn't let him away with damaging your reputation like this .
@romdowa

I might go the legal route. I don't know. It might give him satisfaction that he has got to me. But at the same time, I hate that people must be thinking horrid things about me. That I am a stalker etc. Makes me feel pretty humiliated.

OP posts:
Marlouse · 07/09/2021 20:15

This is just so unfair.
Could it be that he is blaming you for his mental health crisis? Using you as a scapegoat for it? So he won’t have to admit to himself (and his friends and family) that he had mental health problems, just because HE had them? Some people can feel very weak for having mh problems and blame others for it.
If that is the story he has spon, he might feel inclined to keep this story front up at work as well.

Is there some way for you to find out - through mutual acquantances - why he is doing this?

What also could be the case, is that he truly feels very vulnerable in your presence. However unfair for you, in that case you should accept that. Nothing you can do about it really. Still unpleasant though.

ArcticLemming · 07/09/2021 20:17

I think I would turn up in a different disguise each week and make a game of getting past the doorman.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:17

@HeartsAndClubs

Well that's why it is so infuriating because I don't believe I have done anything wrong enough to be banned from places. I have wracked my brain many times. Yes, we raised voices during the break up and little digs were made, and I begged for a few weeks after to get back together.

Is that not normal? Honestly I am questioning everything and have done for the last 2 years! I have never threatened him or been nasty to him or anything that would warrant this.

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 07/09/2021 20:18

Yeah, there’s more to this than meets the eye, isn’t there? I am assuming that your mental health crisis impacted him in ways that mean he now feels uncomfortable being around you, and you need to accept this and
not hang around at his place of work.

ELOU1111 · 07/09/2021 20:19

Some of the advice on here is mad! People suggesting she should see a lawyer for defamatory comments etc. Hilarious! If he thinks she is a stalker now that will surely cement things. As others have said this would be so different if a man had been barred from a woman's place of work and continued to turn up. You've got to have no pride to want to put money in the till of an establishment that doesn't want you. Sounds like there is more to it. Is turning up with a boyfriend a way of intimidating the ex or making him jealous? I have been a victim of stalking and this behaviour sounds horribly familiar. If there are only 2 bars in this town maybe take a bus somewhere else.

ImNotDancing · 07/09/2021 20:19

It seems a bit much to get a lawyer involved. It’s a cocktail bar? The accusations of ‘defamation of character’ seem a bit extreme tbh. Just move on and find somewhere else to go. Life is too short

HeartsAndClubs · 07/09/2021 20:20

“I was with a man for a couple of years. He was extremely abusive and caused me to have a mental breakdown. I eventually managed to escape and now he keeps stalking me to all the places I’ve worked. I have spoken to my employers and they have approached him on occasions he’s come into the bar and have asked him to leave. Honestly the abuse was bad enough that I am still not over it two years on.”

Would posters really say to a woman posting this that she was clearly making it up, that the man should see a solicitor and write on tripadviser what kind of places these were? No. Didn’t think so. The OP would get nothing but support for the fact that she had managed to leave an abusive relationship and that someone was finally listening to her.

But as usual double standards abound on here.

Honestly, going to tripadvisor to play tit for tat makes you sound unhinged.

Whatever you did to him was clearly bad enough that he can’t face you even two years on. Well done to his employer for taking him seriously. Clearly many wouldn’t have, including people on here.

Justforphoto · 07/09/2021 20:20

I begged for a few weeks after to get back together

No that is not normal behaviour, borders on harassment. An ex did that to my daughter and she ended up getting a non mol order against him because of it

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:20

@Bigbonesmeatandgravy

I do get this, I really do. But I hate whatever he must be saying about me. How is it OK for him to lie etc?

OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 07/09/2021 20:22

Have a word with a solicitor. Maybe a formal letter telling him to stop harassing you and lying may sort him out.

WhatisanODP · 07/09/2021 20:23

PM me. I’ll leave a terrible trip advisor too 😂

Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 07/09/2021 20:23

@Loudestcat14 I agree, she is within her rights to find out what she is being accused of. I just think it's interesting that people seem to assume that she hasn't done anything wrong and he is crazy and making it all up out of spite. If the sexes were reversed I don't think anyone would question the sanity of the employee. To be clear, I'm not saying that the OP is guilty of anything, I'm just observing how quickly some posters have jumped to her defence without question.

butterpuffed · 07/09/2021 20:23

[quote missbunnyrabbit]@MorganKitten
I was going to do that, post on trip advisor and places saying how disappointed i am with their handling of the situation.[/quote]
For god's sake, don't do that, it definitely wouldn't look good for you.

Lostmarbles2021 · 07/09/2021 20:24

Horrible to feel misjudged OP.

If you can let it go do.

If not then could you strike up conversations with the staff in the pub and see if anyone will tell you why. If he no longer works there you might get some info.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:25

@Marloes

Thank you for understanding. We don't have any mutual friends. I have always felt that he blamed me for his mental health, that he has had since a child and I was only with him 1.5 years!

I do find it mad that he could feel vulnerable in my presence. I was a mouse who did whatever he wanted! I think I was too good of a girlfriend for him!!

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 07/09/2021 20:26

This thread is batshit.

Seriously, advising someone who is likely guilty of harassment to go to a solicitor/write reviews on tripadvisor/turn up at the pub in disguise? Yeah, because the OP is going to look like an innocent party doing that. Hmm

GrimDamnFanjo · 07/09/2021 20:27

I feel for you here. I was once scapegoated by a dear friend for their mental health crisis - "splitting" I think its called.
It's probably the not being "banned" here but the uneasiness of not know why.
You can't control what he says but I think the advice upthread of asking the bar why could be useful.
I think you need to bear in mind that if he is behaving like this he may not have recovered fully yet. This is not normal post-break-up behavior!

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:30

Just to be clear, HE had the mental health crisis, over an ex-girlfriend getting in touch, I believe.

Our relationship was not remotely abusive from either side. This was the third time he had dumped me and we had got back together the other times, hence me emailing him. He had actually said that if he dumped me again because of his mental health, he wanted me to pursue him to get back together!

I don't mean to dripfeed, but it's all a loooong story that's worth too many threads!

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 07/09/2021 20:30

[quote missbunnyrabbit]@HeartsAndClubs

Well that's why it is so infuriating because I don't believe I have done anything wrong enough to be banned from places. I have wracked my brain many times. Yes, we raised voices during the break up and little digs were made, and I begged for a few weeks after to get back together.

Is that not normal? Honestly I am questioning everything and have done for the last 2 years! I have never threatened him or been nasty to him or anything that would warrant this.[/quote]
Begged for a few weeks ? Was there any ever drink throwing or physical stuff ?