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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Continually banned from ex's various places of work!

185 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:15

2 years an ex boyfriend dumped me suddenly during a mental health crisis. He claimed I didn't care enough about him. It came from nowhere and it was traumatic for me. Nothing had happened, everything seemed normal. I believe an ex-girlfriend getting in touch had set him off.

We live in a very small town. He worked in a local popular pub chain at the time. I was a regular there, had been going for a couple of years before he started there and we got together. I went with family and friends all the time. When he dumped me, I continued with my social life, but everytime I went to the pub, I was asked to leave. I got fed up of it, and stopped going there.

Fast forward to now. Ex has got a job at a cocktail bar that I frequent(ed) often with my boyfriend. Also been going there on and off for years. Great place and never had a problem! Booked and turned up the other night, to be refused entry because a "member of staff feels uncomfortable with me being there".

Is this ridiculous? It was 2 years ago, he dumped me and broke my heart, if I can cope with seeing him can't he cope with seeing me? I know I can't dictate how someone feels, but it feels very petty. He's definitely over me as he blocked me on everything and never got in touch again.

I honestly feel a little harassed by him and it was very embarrassing being told to leave.

I emailed the bar to complain and they said they put their staff's wellbeing as a top priority. I understand that, of course, but also annoyed he's still playing the victim and trying to punish me for something I don't know.

Aibu? There's not a great choice of places to go around here. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:40

@ImNotDancing

True, but considering it was 2 years ago and I'm a regular customer who has never caused any trouble?

Seems harsh, no?

OP posts:
Peppapigforlife · 07/09/2021 19:42

I was thinking he did that but it would be a bit weird that he would go out of his way to bring you up in conversation as a potential possibility of you showing up there and upsetting him. Also, if he was THAT upset about the thought of you going there, that he had to foreworn colleagues, he never would have gotten a job there. Sounds like he is on a bit of a power trip. Enjoy the pub !

Loudestcat14 · 07/09/2021 19:45

I'd be inclined to go down the formal route to get to the bottom of it, otherwise it's never going to end. I'd email the manager or head office of the cocktail place and ask them to put in writing the exact reasons for you not being allowed on the premises because it's your belief their member of staff has misrepresented you and in doing so may even have defamed you and you wish to be in full possession of the facts to make a decision about how to proceed. Then you might find out what he's accusing you of and if it is false, you're in a better position to get him to stop.

butterpuffed · 07/09/2021 19:46

Did you see much of him in his place of work following the break up ?

disconnected101 · 07/09/2021 19:47

@Loudestcat14

I'd be inclined to go down the formal route to get to the bottom of it, otherwise it's never going to end. I'd email the manager or head office of the cocktail place and ask them to put in writing the exact reasons for you not being allowed on the premises because it's your belief their member of staff has misrepresented you and in doing so may even have defamed you and you wish to be in full possession of the facts to make a decision about how to proceed. Then you might find out what he's accusing you of and if it is false, you're in a better position to get him to stop.
Same here. I'd be very pissed off.
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:50

@Peppapigforlife

Well, a few weeks when we went was the first and only time we saw him there! Didn't make any eye contact, weren't served by him. Yet he obviously kicked up a fuss because next time we went was when the doorman stopped us.

I think you're right, it's a power trip and he's trying to 'get back at me'. Still. After two years no contact. Honestly I think it's just so lame.
If I'd dumped him and he still had feelings for me, I'd get it!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2021 19:53

He has perhaps made a story in his head that you stalked him by continuing to frequent your local pub. Now you’re being punished for it. I would be tempted to write to the owner. Probably wouldn’t. But it is outrageous to do this to you.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:54

@Loudestcat14

It's a little independent place, I emailed and they said wellbeing of staff is priority and he will not be discussing it further!

Can I do anything?

OP posts:
621CustardCream438 · 07/09/2021 19:56

Thing is if you reversed the sexes and a woman wrote on here they had an abusive ex boyfriend turning up at their place of work and the bar had banned them but he was protesting everyone would be saying “I believe you” and how great it was you had a supportive workplace. I’m obviously not saying you are abusive but his workplace aren’t going to want to get into “he said, she said” detective work about who did what or what your relationship was like, they’ll just support their employee. How exactly are they supposed to act in this situation?

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:57

@butterpuffed

I never saw him, every time I went in, I sat with my back to the bar and someone else went to order.
Then one of his colleagues would spot me, go tell him (my friends witnessed this happen everytime), and someone would come tell me to leave! He was always behind the bar at the other side of the pub.

OP posts:
BaggiesBride · 07/09/2021 19:57

I can't help but wonder what his side of the story would be.

seaandsandcastles · 07/09/2021 19:57

[quote missbunnyrabbit]@Loudestcat14

It's a little independent place, I emailed and they said wellbeing of staff is priority and he will not be discussing it further!

Can I do anything?[/quote]
Of course you can’t do anything. They have a right to decide who can and can’t come into their business (obviously barring protected characteristics).

Yes it’s annoying for you as he’s lying and/or exaggerating, but I think it shows it’s a great place to work as they look after their staff.

And no, they wouldn’t tell you when he was working. It’s none of your business and you could be a stalker for all they knew.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:58

@Mummyoflittledragon

Definitely, I definitely think he's said this. Even though he knows I went to the place all the time before I met him! Being a regular was how I met him.

OP posts:
Motnight · 07/09/2021 19:58

Op it's a rubbish situation. Please don't take it further, whatever that means, you will end up being painted as the mad unstable ex.

romdowa · 07/09/2021 19:58

If emailing the establishment didn't get you anywhere , then I would be getting legal advice. The lies this guy is telling about you could be considered as slander. I'd never want to go there again anyway but I couldn't let him away with damaging your reputation like this .

MorganKitten · 07/09/2021 20:00

I’ve had this issue, I contacted the owners of the various bars and left negative views explaining an ex barred me after however long and out of spite. Soon allowed back in.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:00

@621CustardCream438

I don't judge the workplace, it is good they are supporting staff... except I was a good, regular customer. Feels a bit disloyal, idk.

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 07/09/2021 20:01

[quote missbunnyrabbit]@Loudestcat14

It's a little independent place, I emailed and they said wellbeing of staff is priority and he will not be discussing it further!

Can I do anything?[/quote]
I'd go back to them and play hard ball. Say their response isn't good enough and you have a right to know exactly why you've been banned from the place because by doing so they are assuming the worst of you and making others think the same. Say you strongly believe that the member of staff has misrepresented you and your relationship and in doing so may well have defamed you and that them taking his word at face value means they could be perpetuating the defamation, which could have serious consequences for them. Say you're prepared to take it further (doesn't matter if you are or not, just make them think it) to protect your name and position in the town and you expect a full explanation in response.

Loudestcat14 · 07/09/2021 20:02

@Motnight

Op it's a rubbish situation. Please don't take it further, whatever that means, you will end up being painted as the mad unstable ex.
That's terrible advice. If she writes a considered letter saying she's believed she's being defamed, how does that make her unstable? Honestly, this is why blokes get away with pulling shit like this.
TheRebelle · 07/09/2021 20:02

I don’t really know what you can do in this situation that won’t make you look like the mad ex, I’d just tell everyone you know not to go to that bar and see how they like it when they’re half empty!

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:03

@seaandsandcastles

I know. I do feel discriminated against, for sleeping with the wrong person!, but obviously that's not a protected characteristic.

OP posts:
purplecarrot23 · 07/09/2021 20:04

Your ex sounds mad. If you really want to go to the cocktail Place then do take it further as PP's have suggested.

But if you can live without it then move on and don't go back

Sorry for this though OP, it's doesn't sound a nice position for you to be in and I find it weird he has pre warned people of your potential Presence!

HeartsAndClubs · 07/09/2021 20:04

This reply has been deleted

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RealBecca · 07/09/2021 20:05

Worth a free half hour with a lawyer to see if you have grounds for cease and desist for defamatory comments or indirect harrassment? Either to him or the company?

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:06

@Loudestcat14

I really appreciate this advice! My boyfriend helped me write the email and it was very formal and unemotional. He thinks I am being victimised!
I will follow your advice. I just know how heartbreaking the break up was for me, and to know he is saying horrible stuff about me makes me mad. I was at peace with it, why can't he be?!

OP posts: