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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Continually banned from ex's various places of work!

185 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:15

2 years an ex boyfriend dumped me suddenly during a mental health crisis. He claimed I didn't care enough about him. It came from nowhere and it was traumatic for me. Nothing had happened, everything seemed normal. I believe an ex-girlfriend getting in touch had set him off.

We live in a very small town. He worked in a local popular pub chain at the time. I was a regular there, had been going for a couple of years before he started there and we got together. I went with family and friends all the time. When he dumped me, I continued with my social life, but everytime I went to the pub, I was asked to leave. I got fed up of it, and stopped going there.

Fast forward to now. Ex has got a job at a cocktail bar that I frequent(ed) often with my boyfriend. Also been going there on and off for years. Great place and never had a problem! Booked and turned up the other night, to be refused entry because a "member of staff feels uncomfortable with me being there".

Is this ridiculous? It was 2 years ago, he dumped me and broke my heart, if I can cope with seeing him can't he cope with seeing me? I know I can't dictate how someone feels, but it feels very petty. He's definitely over me as he blocked me on everything and never got in touch again.

I honestly feel a little harassed by him and it was very embarrassing being told to leave.

I emailed the bar to complain and they said they put their staff's wellbeing as a top priority. I understand that, of course, but also annoyed he's still playing the victim and trying to punish me for something I don't know.

Aibu? There's not a great choice of places to go around here. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/09/2021 20:32

[quote Bigbonesmeatandgravy]@Loudestcat14 I agree, she is within her rights to find out what she is being accused of. I just think it's interesting that people seem to assume that she hasn't done anything wrong and he is crazy and making it all up out of spite. If the sexes were reversed I don't think anyone would question the sanity of the employee. To be clear, I'm not saying that the OP is guilty of anything, I'm just observing how quickly some posters have jumped to her defence without question.[/quote]
I'm in agreement with this, especially with the plan to go on trip advisor and others to post how unhappy you are. Its just a bar, does it really bother you that much? I don't care who's barred from our local bars etc, surely the people who's opinion you care about don't care if you are?

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:32

@HeartsAndClubs

Really can't see how I've harassed him!
He told me to 'pursue him' if he broke up with me again for his mental health issues, so I did. That explains why I emailed him for a few weeks.

I don't see why turning up at my local like normal would be seen as harassment!

OP posts:
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:36

@MrsMaizel

Omg no of course not. Literally nothing like that! No one hit each other or said anything that nasty.

The emails I sent were me telling me how great he was and that I cared about him and loved him and was worried etc.
I had sat waiting for him in A&E for 4 hours the day before he dumped me! He went there cos he felt suicidal, I believe over the ex-girlfriend and probably all the other stuff. He always said he had voices in his head and believed he was evil!

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 07/09/2021 20:38

You're drip feeding here. You can't think of anything "wrong enough" that you have done. That doesn't convince me that there aren't plenty of things nearly "wrong enough" that could have led to this. Everything you are describing doing, just innocently going out for drinks with your boyfriend, etc, could easily, easily not be so innocent at all. I started off believing that your ex was BU but now I don't believe that.

user1473878824 · 07/09/2021 20:39

@RealBecca

Worth a free half hour with a lawyer to see if you have grounds for cease and desist for defamatory comments or indirect harrassment? Either to him or the company?
This is one of the more insane things I’ve read on Mumsnet.
Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:39

@MichelleScarn

I never bothered doing anything about the last pub, I just feel that after two years he's still saying these things about me, and it doesn't sit well with me! I suppose I really don't like him getting away with it.

Obviously people are entitled to assume I did something, but I have said I truly didn't do anything to warrant this.

With that in mind, and regarding trip advisor, if you're unhappy with a place then why wouldn't you leave a negative review? People do, for all sorts of reasons! It's why those sites exist.

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 07/09/2021 20:41

It sounds as though you haven't really moved on from this relationship. You may have a new boyfriend but you seem to be investing a lot of time in your ex.

How does your current boyfriend feel about going to a bar where your ex boyfriend is working? If it was me I'd feel uncomfortable about that.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:42

@Waspsarearseholes

Not drip feeding, you can't fit everything into one post, it would be pages and pages long!

I'm not here to convince anyone, just wondered if people would be annoyed like I am.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 07/09/2021 20:43

I don't see why turning up at my local like normal would be seen as harassment! well, you continued to turn up there despite having been asked to leave and told the reason why.

In a word, I don’t believe you. I don’t believe that you’re an innocent party, and I believe that this bloke was likely in an abusive relationship. Just as people here would believe a woman who was posting here from your BF’s point of view.

And frankly, all the posters advising the OP to write solicitors letters, to keep turning up at his place of work in disguise and writing reviews on tripadvisor, even offering to do it as well, are enabling abuse to continue.

Have people not read enough threads on the relationships boards from posters whose ex’s have done exactly what you are now advising the OP to do?

TomFuckery · 07/09/2021 20:46

I'd be buying a wig and a new outfit, something totally different to wear..and talk in a different accent... and sashay right in the place, and have a good night. just for shits and giggles

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:46

I'm leaving this thread now, thank you for all the advice and opinions. Not sure what I'll do. I don't think anyone would be too happy knowing someone was saying hurtful things about them, though. He was very up and down through the relationship, a very unstable and unpredictable person.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who finds his behaviour ridiculous!

OP posts:
NotAnotherBloodyNameChange · 07/09/2021 20:49

@TomFuckery

I'd be buying a wig and a new outfit, something totally different to wear..and talk in a different accent... and sashay right in the place, and have a good night. just for shits and giggles
I was just coming on to say this.

Buy different coloured wigs, plain lens glasses etc. Grin
That would really mess with him though, he’s obviously got some serious issues about seeing you for some reason.

anniegun · 07/09/2021 20:51

I suspect if a woman posted that her ex kept coming to her place of work then all the comments would be that her employer should ask him to leave and not accept his view that it was ridiculous she didn't want to be in the same place as her

HeartsAndClubs · 07/09/2021 20:52

I suspect if a woman posted that her ex kept coming to her place of work then all the comments would be that her employer should ask him to leave and not accept his view that it was ridiculous she didn't want to be in the same place as her exactly. Seriously the number of abuse apologists on this thread is shocking.

Justforphoto · 07/09/2021 20:52

@TomFuckery

I'd be buying a wig and a new outfit, something totally different to wear..and talk in a different accent... and sashay right in the place, and have a good night. just for shits and giggles
Excellent idea, would just about prove that the op is harrassing and stalking him and going to ridiculous lengths to do so.

There is no evidence that the ex has lied at all. There is no reason to think that he hasn't said to his employers that he isn't comfortable with the op there and they on just that agreed to ban her which would be the truth, he isn't comfortable.

butterpuffed · 07/09/2021 20:53

With that in mind, and regarding trip advisor, if you're unhappy with a place then why wouldn't you leave a negative review? People do, for all sorts of reasons! It's why those sites exist.

Not when you said you'd be writing a review about how they 'handled the situation' !!! People won't be interested in what happened between you and your ex who is a member of staff. Sorry but i don't see why you don't understand that. I'll leave it there.

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 20:53

Just a final note, he was NOT in an abusive relationship by any means. Pretty sad that people will jump to such conclusions on mumsnet, when you only know a bit of the story! So yeah.

For a snippet of backstory, he was a total love bomber, told me I was the love of his life and he'd love me forever, yet dumped me three times in 1.5 years. The second time, he told me I was boring and he was bored during sex etc. Then when we were getting back together, but not official again yet, he slept with someone else a few times and lied about it.

Yeah I'm not over the things he did, though I realise what a slimeball he is. I don't like feeling like he is dictating where I can and can't go in my tiny local time.

Argh rant over! Deep breath, and I'm out! I don't need to be remembering this stuff!

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 07/09/2021 20:54
Hmm
BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 07/09/2021 20:56

Try and get him fired from this job?

Write bad reviews of the bar on the internet, anonymously, mentioning him personally

Babyparrotdog · 07/09/2021 21:02

He obviously manages to hold down a job and is well thought of enough that his feeling have been taken into consideration, I also imagine that if he was saying this about more than just you they wouldn’t have it so you have to ask why he is doing this about you and if it can be rectified? It sounds like it was him who ended the relationship?

ImNotDancing · 07/09/2021 21:04

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

Try and get him fired from this job?

Write bad reviews of the bar on the internet, anonymously, mentioning him personally

Okay that’s psychotic Hmm
MichelleScarn · 07/09/2021 21:04

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

Try and get him fired from this job?

Write bad reviews of the bar on the internet, anonymously, mentioning him personally

Yep, that's perfect way to show maturity and that OP is being completely the rational one. Confused
MrsJackRackham · 07/09/2021 21:13

It's a public bar not a public place, all punters are there by invitation only and that invite can be revoked at any time without a reason given. It's the licencee's ultimate decision who is allowed on the premises. Going to see a lawyer will achieve nothing but a waste of money.

PearlyRising · 07/09/2021 21:29

He dumped you, and two years later he's not comfortable with you coming in to a pub he works in?? That is bizarre alright!

It's not you, it's him.

CorianderBee · 07/09/2021 21:31

He's obviously being a knob, but these kind of bans help lots of victims of DV etc so I'd not rock the boat too much.

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