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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Continually banned from ex's various places of work!

185 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 07/09/2021 19:15

2 years an ex boyfriend dumped me suddenly during a mental health crisis. He claimed I didn't care enough about him. It came from nowhere and it was traumatic for me. Nothing had happened, everything seemed normal. I believe an ex-girlfriend getting in touch had set him off.

We live in a very small town. He worked in a local popular pub chain at the time. I was a regular there, had been going for a couple of years before he started there and we got together. I went with family and friends all the time. When he dumped me, I continued with my social life, but everytime I went to the pub, I was asked to leave. I got fed up of it, and stopped going there.

Fast forward to now. Ex has got a job at a cocktail bar that I frequent(ed) often with my boyfriend. Also been going there on and off for years. Great place and never had a problem! Booked and turned up the other night, to be refused entry because a "member of staff feels uncomfortable with me being there".

Is this ridiculous? It was 2 years ago, he dumped me and broke my heart, if I can cope with seeing him can't he cope with seeing me? I know I can't dictate how someone feels, but it feels very petty. He's definitely over me as he blocked me on everything and never got in touch again.

I honestly feel a little harassed by him and it was very embarrassing being told to leave.

I emailed the bar to complain and they said they put their staff's wellbeing as a top priority. I understand that, of course, but also annoyed he's still playing the victim and trying to punish me for something I don't know.

Aibu? There's not a great choice of places to go around here. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2021 21:31

Going to see a lawyer isn’t about op wanting to frequent the bar again @MrsJackRackham

Gimlisaxe · 07/09/2021 21:33

No matter what you now do is going to make it seem like anything he is saying is true.

Also if you put a review on trip advisor or where ever then, all they have to do is say, we are protecting our staff. Which makes you seem worse.

I should also say that a pub can ban anyone they like, as long as that reason is not unlawful. I think its called no right to enter, so if you keep pushing this, they still don't have to let you back in. Just stop going there and find somewhere else.

I am another that would love to hear his side of the story as well. While I know pubs and bars have the right to refuse entry, in all the places I have worked, I have never known them to do that

PearlyRising · 07/09/2021 21:35

I agree with the poster who said that what you do now is NOTHING.

This is a power trip for him, and he would clearly love it if you had to be dragged out yelling out your side of the story, or if you went legal on him, or the bar.

Frustrating but the only course of action which will make people question his narrative is if you just shrug and go to another bar.

PollyPepper · 07/09/2021 21:36

@HeartsAndClubs

I’d be interested to hear his version of events.

If you were a man posting here I guarantee you would get a completely different response.

Sorry but I just don’t believe that you’re an innocent party here given he’s managed to get you banned from two different places.

And blaming his MH is up there with making him out to be the crazy ex.

I’d imagine if you’ve been banned from multiple established there is far more to this and they have valid reasons for doing so.

I agree. Why are you so bothered about continuing to go to this cocktail bar anyway? Surely you don't want to give them your custom now? Just find somewhere else to go.
Loudestcat14 · 07/09/2021 21:37

@HeartsAndClubs

I suspect if a woman posted that her ex kept coming to her place of work then all the comments would be that her employer should ask him to leave and not accept his view that it was ridiculous she didn't want to be in the same place as her exactly. Seriously the number of abuse apologists on this thread is shocking.
You've decided OP was abusive based on what, exactly?
Porcupineintherough · 07/09/2021 21:39

It's one bar. The more you fight and demand to be allowed in the more credibility you are giving his claims.

TheOccupier · 07/09/2021 21:40

I'd write shit reviews on every site I could find and get my friends to do the same. PM me the name of the bar if you want me to do a few for you. If he can't cope with the general public maybe he should get an office job.

Porcupineintherough · 07/09/2021 21:43

He can cope with the general public @TheOccupier he just doesnt want to deal with the OP . And if she follows your deranged advice I dont blame him.

user1473878824 · 07/09/2021 21:45

Even if it is him maybe respect the fact that HE still feels like having you around is uncomfortable and upsetting and he clearly views your relationship and break up differently to you. I can understand this has annoyed you but just leave it. Go somewhere else and leave all of it well alone. Don’t speak to a solicitor, anything like this just makes you sound like you’re harassing him. Walk away from it.

MorganKitten · 07/09/2021 21:45

@butterpuffed
For god's sake, don't do that, it definitely wouldn't look good for you.

After years of him physically abusing me, with police evidence, and continuing to try ‘win one over on me’ by getting a job in a bar I always went to just…. Nope I did the right thing.

MichelleScarn · 07/09/2021 21:46

@theoccupier, would you honestly do something so dishonestly deranged?

Maskless · 07/09/2021 21:52

Honestly, I would write a letter to each pub owner, landlord, manager etc registering your discontent at being discriminated against.

Twofurrycatsagain · 07/09/2021 21:53

I find this a bit bizarre. It's a while since I worked in bars and clubs but if we'd started barring the staff's ex partners we would have been short of customers. The only way they'd have been barred was kicking off in the actual bar. Otherwise you just got someone else to serve them.
I wouldn't bother with trip advisor reviews, solicitors, etc. Local gossip would be my go to if I could be bothered. Someone who worked with someone at the previous pub sort of thing.

MrsJackRackham · 07/09/2021 22:02

@Gimlisaxe if I say to my manager 'don't serve him/her they're an arsehole and will cause trouble' he'll back me 100% and refuse service. Because he trusts my judgement and I've been a barmaid for a long time. And I certainly don't expect a lawyer's letter accusing me of slander. The owner is taking his member of staff's word and backing him, as he should.
Rise above it OP and treat it with the contempt it deserves. There's nothing you can do.

Gimlisaxe · 07/09/2021 22:06

[quote MrsJackRackham]@Gimlisaxe if I say to my manager 'don't serve him/her they're an arsehole and will cause trouble' he'll back me 100% and refuse service. Because he trusts my judgement and I've been a barmaid for a long time. And I certainly don't expect a lawyer's letter accusing me of slander. The owner is taking his member of staff's word and backing him, as he should.
Rise above it OP and treat it with the contempt it deserves. There's nothing you can do.[/quote]
As I said pubs have the right to refuse service for any reason, I made that clear. I just pointed out that in my experience its not happened, I am not saying it has never happened.

Jemand · 07/09/2021 22:37

@ImNotDancing

Tbh if he doesn’t want to see you he doesn’t want to see you. I’m impressed that his employer takes his feelings into consideration and backs their staff members up
I'm not. Banning someone is defamatory because it is liable to make anyone who sees them being turned away think they must have done something terrible, and it's very dangerous to take a step like that on the say-so of one new member of staff. If the manager is going to ban everyone that every staff member has a fall-out with, he's liable to find the bar being boycotted. If he was that bothered about the ex-boyfriend, he could have set him to work behind the scenes till OP had gone, or offered him the chance to swap to another shift.
LemonTT · 07/09/2021 22:42

Blimey cocktail bars still exist 😱

Jemand · 07/09/2021 22:43

Sorry but I just don’t believe that you’re an innocent party here given he’s managed to get you banned from two different places.

If pubs/bars are in the habit of banning people at the behest of one staff member, then being banned by them really says nothing about the person concerned. It just shows that they are very credulous.

SionnachRua · 07/09/2021 22:45

I'd love to hear yerman's side of the story here, something just seems...off.

I'm amused by the comments of "ooh leave negative reviews, that'll learn him, I'll help". Sure. You'll just confirm to the managers that the crazy (assuming he spun a yarn) ex really is cracked and she has crazy friends along for the ride. That'll show them!

Jemand · 07/09/2021 22:45

@LemonTT

Blimey cocktail bars still exist 😱
They're increasingly popular, in fact. A local bar was converted into a BeAt One cocktail bar moderately recently and was incredibly successful, though lockdown obviously put a dent in that.
Jemand · 07/09/2021 22:47

@MrsJackRackham

It's a public bar not a public place, all punters are there by invitation only and that invite can be revoked at any time without a reason given. It's the licencee's ultimate decision who is allowed on the premises. Going to see a lawyer will achieve nothing but a waste of money.
That's not entirely true. The licensee is not above the laws on discrimination, for instance, nor is s/he immune from being sued for defamation.
backoffice · 07/09/2021 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 07/09/2021 22:58

@Mummyoflittledragon

Going to see a lawyer isn’t about op wanting to frequent the bar again *@MrsJackRackham*
So what is it about then?

The bar has only said that they are refusing OP entry as they are prioritising the well being of their staff member - that isn’t slander / defamation.

As to what her ex has told his employer about OP is neither here nor there as she has no right - absolutely zero - to that information; it’s confidential & they are under no obligation to disclose it. People seem to think a solicitors letter is some kind of magic key, it’s not, they can just ignore it. OP is only surmising that her ex has lied anyway, for all we know he’s simply said that OP makes him extremely uncomfortable & being in her vicinity is extremely detrimental to his mental health i.e. all true but could still lead to her being banned. All a solicitors letter would do is add credence to why her ex doesn’t want to be around her & leave her out of pocket.

Jemand · 07/09/2021 23:03

The bar has only said that they are refusing OP entry as they are prioritising the well being of their staff member - that isn’t slander / defamation.

The point is that those who see her being barred don't know what reason has been given. There is a strong implication that it is because she has done something discreditable. Unless they shout out to all and sundry that she's only being banned because their delicate flower employee dumped her and now gets upset when he sees her, there will be nothing to counteract that impression.

mathanxiety · 07/09/2021 23:06

Tell the cocktail bar he hasn't taken out an order of protection (aka non molestation order) against you and therefore you are not required to keep away from him.

It's possible a solicitor's letter to him asking him to either get an order of protection or stop having you banned from public houses would put a stop to this.