Continually banned from ex's various places of work!

[missbunnyrabbit]

2 years an ex boyfriend dumped me suddenly during a mental health crisis. He claimed I didn't care enough about him. It came from nowhere and it was traumatic for me. Nothing had happened, everything seemed normal. I believe an ex-girlfriend getting in touch had set him off.

We live in a very small town. He worked in a local popular pub chain at the time. I was a regular there, had been going for a couple of years before he started there and we got together. I went with family and friends all the time. When he dumped me, I continued with my social life, but everytime I went to the pub, I was asked to leave. I got fed up of it, and stopped going there.

Fast forward to now. Ex has got a job at a cocktail bar that I frequent(ed) often with my boyfriend. Also been going there on and off for years. Great place and never had a problem! Booked and turned up the other night, to be refused entry because a "member of staff feels uncomfortable with me being there".

Is this ridiculous? It was 2 years ago, he dumped me and broke my heart, if I can cope with seeing him can't he cope with seeing me? I know I can't dictate how someone feels, but it feels very petty. He's definitely over me as he blocked me on everything and never got in touch again.

I honestly feel a little harassed by him and it was very embarrassing being told to leave.

I emailed the bar to complain and they said they put their staff's wellbeing as a top priority. I understand that, of course, but also annoyed he's still playing the victim and trying to punish me for something I don't know.

Aibu? There's not a great choice of places to go around here. It's frustrating.

@Jemand and you think that will be the basis of a defamation claim? Really?

It could be, @Porcupineintherough. It's supported by counsel's opinion - www.morningadvertiser.co.uk/Article/2011/02/11/Pitfalls-of-Pubwatch-bans - and these days defamation lawyers are quite keen to take on no-win no-fee claims against commercial businesses.

Experienced staff are hard to find ATM. The bar are going to prioritise him over you @missbunnyrabbit, shit but true.🤷‍♀️ There is nothing you can do except swerve your Ex and get on with your life and new boyfriend.

I’m starting to think that there actually is some credence to the ‘batshit / unhinged ex’ line that men spout & I’m not necessarily talking about the OP here (although I definitely think there’s more to this story).

A faceless poster has come on here, told a story & several posters have lapped it up & taken it at face value to the point where they’re willing to lie online & trash a business i.e. commit libel / defamation - all on the word of an anonymous poster. Considering the impact Covid has had on bars / restaurants it’s absolutely reprehensible behaviour to go online & make shit up because someone has spun them a yarn; these are peoples’ livelihoods we’re talking about.

There are zero facts, no way to verify who the OP actually is (they might not even be a woman) or to know what their true agenda actually is.

If posters are willing to go to these lengths on NO VERIFIABLE INFORMATION & when they have absolutely no skin in the game then I can only imagine what they’d do if someone personally pissed them or a loved one off - I’m thinking there are more batshit / unhinged people around then I first thought.

Also, the absolute irony that people are offering to lie about a business online when OP’s whole complaint is that she MAY have been lied about by her ex is staggering.

Finally, badmouthing a company who is acting in good faith & trying to protect their employee is only going to backfire on abused women, next a company might not be so willing to stick their neck out.

He sounds crazy and abusive. Like he's still trying to hurt you. What a spiteful dickhead. You are best staying away from his craziness. I'd be fuming though at being lied about. Surely he can't get away with that.

@Jemand

The bar has only said that they are refusing OP entry as they are prioritising the well being of their staff member - that isn’t slander / defamation.

The point is that those who see her being barred don't know what reason has been given. There is a strong implication that it is because she has done something discreditable. Unless they shout out to all and sundry that she's only being banned because their delicate flower employee dumped her and now gets upset when he sees her, there will be nothing to counteract that impression.

No, that is NOT what defamation / slander / libel is.

Even in the link you posted, it says:

Elsewhere, Walsh highlighted the “really tricky” issue of avoiding slander or libel when trying to uphold pubwatch bans.

He explained that if a licensee publicly says they won’t serve somebody because they have committed a particular offence - for example, dealing drugs - they need to make sure they have been convicted or they could be sued for defamation.

The bar in this instance has not - publicly or otherwise - accused OP of any offence therefore they are not defaming her; they are within their right to refuse service (bar discrimination).

Think about it, if they turn someone away for no ID, do they then have to make a public announcement to the rest of the bar so as to not risk “defaming” that person in case another patron thinks they were turned away for nefarious reasons? I don’t think so.

Some of these replies are absolutely batshit.

@DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight well said. That’s a more articulate version of what I wanted to post but I’m tired and was wading through some of the absolute batshittery replies.

Taking legal advice from AIBU is like using petrol pumps to refill your fire extinguishers.

@Jemand, the article you link to is 10 years old and completely irrelevant to what is happening to @missbunnyrabbit today.

You've decided OP was abusive based on what, exactly? erm let’s see.

Trotting out the “he’s the crazy ex” script, harassing him for weeks after begging him to take her back, continually turning up at his place of work even though she was categorically asked to leave.

And you’ve decided she’s not abusive based on what? Exactly?

Maybe the crazy ex script which many posters will tell you is constantly trotted out by men and when men do it we don’t believe them and acknowledge that it’s all part of the abuse?

Although judging by some of the replies on this thread I’m not so sure the crazy ex line spoken of by some men is that far-fetched after all.

Wow, I’d never be returning to those places that treated you like that! I’d be fuming.

OP’s comment about going to her ex’s work place to keep her “head held high” rings a little alarm bell from me (while I admit I have no idea of what the truth is from the thread alone)

Going to your ex’s place of work when they work in a bar is a bit different from rocking up at their office job when you’ve no reason to be there.

Why not just calmly write to him OP and say something to the effect that you’re sorry to hear he remains uncomfortable with your presence the way things ended, the time that has passed and that you’ve both moved on, you’d like to know if there’s anything you can do to put his mind at rest or make him feel more comfortable and ask if there’s anything specifically he’s concerned about? At least then you’ve some hope of finding out what it is you’ve allegedly done that causes such offence. Then steer clear of the bar for a while until you receive a response. If you don’t receive any response you could maybe try attending again in a few months and see what happens? It doesn’t sound like you’ve been barred, just asked to leave on one occasion, so there should be nothing preventing you going in the future.

The idea of going to a solicitor or leaving bad reviews is way OTT when this could be resolved with some adult conversation.

Presence given the way things ended*

OP as he was having serious mental health issues when you knew him, I would leave it, and certainly not try going down a legal route. You have no idea what he is going through now, but it doesn't sound as though he is in the best of (mental) health. Frustrating I realise... and YANBU

In a positive note your liver and your wallet will be in better health if you can't get in anywhere to have a drink

And I really wouldn't write to him or try and contact him at all as he sounds unhinged.

Over the years there have been several threads on here talking about the batshit letters solicitors have sent to posters.

Some of the suggestions here would be right up there with those.

Imagine a thread “what’s the craziest thing your ex did,”

And the reply:

“He constantly turned up at my workplace. luckily my employer was very understanding and asked him to leave. So he started dressing up in disguise and turning up wearing that. Then he started putting reviews of the pub I worked in on tripadvisor, saying that it was a bad place because they’d refused to let him in because I had told them he was abusive. The whole thing ended in his solicitor sending a letter to my employer threatening to sue them for defamation if they didn’t let me in.”
😂😂😂😂😂

Of course the response from some on here should be, 'omg, that's so horrible of you and your employer, you must be like totally obsessed with him to do that'.....
I'm still incredulous with the offers to write fake negative reviews!

I would not go to where he works. Why I would want to trigger a person with MH issues? He is obviously not well? What about if attack you or your boyfriend. I personally would not risk it. It is not worth the drama.

@Loudestcat14

I'd be inclined to go down the formal route to get to the bottom of it, otherwise it's never going to end. I'd email the manager or head office of the cocktail place and ask them to put in writing the exact reasons for you not being allowed on the premises because it's your belief their member of staff has misrepresented you and in doing so may even have defamed you and you wish to be in full possession of the facts to make a decision about how to proceed. Then you might find out what he's accusing you of and if it is false, you're in a better position to get him to stop.

There is no "formal route", you have no right of entry to a bar/pub/restaurant and they do not have to give a reason why you are not allowed in. It is also very rare that they will give a reason as it does not benefit them to do so. Unfortunately there is little the OP can do in this situation.

To add, I would not start posting on TripAdvisor either, that will just make the OP look crazy.

OP just leave it. It sounds like the relationship was a difficult one with him repeatedly dumping you. Obviously nobody knows if there's anything more sinister was going on and I'm not assuming that, but for whatever reason he wants nothing to do with you. It may be about his issues rather than anything you've necessarily done, but clearly he feels strongly about it if you were turned away at the door. If he has poor mental health, then maybe just try and understand that?

You have no proof he's defamed you, just that he doesn't want or can't cope with your presence where he works. And AFAIK, the bar have the right to decide who frequents their business unless it's to do with a protected characteristic. Anything more you do will add drama to the situation and play into any negative perceptions about you. There's no upside.

I wouldn't ever want to go back to somewhere that had turned me away, and it's a bit strange to me that you would. Surely there are other places you can go?

several posters have lapped it up & taken it at face value to the point where they’re willing to lie online & trash a business i.e. commit libel / defamation - all on the word of an anonymous poster

@DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight, how has anyone libelled anyone else when neither OP, her ex or the bar in question have been identified?

The bar in this instance has not - publicly or otherwise - accused OP of any offence therefore they are not defaming her; they are within their right to refuse service (bar discrimination).

Where do you get the idea that it is only defamation if they are making an accusation of a criminal offence?