To be quite embarrassed by this

[bluepurplepinkyellow]

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

@Bluntness100

For starters, if it were a SAHD people would be treating him like a good among men... "Oh my goodness, you care for your own child, how wonderful you are! "

Nonsense, there’s been plenty of threads on here from women whose partners don’t work and care for the kids. Every single time she’s advised not to give the bloke her house.

Have there been? Loads of threads from women who work, and whose male partners are SAHDs by mutual agreement, and who are really good at the job, and who are on here complaining about it?

More than, say, threads from women in OP's situation?

Are you sure?

Yes, I'd be embarrassed that I had been so naive as to get myself into a situation like you have. But telling you that isn't going to help, is it? You need to get some proper advice.

Have there been? Loads of threads from women who work, and whose male partners are SAHDs by mutual agreement, and who are really good at the job, and who are on here complaining about it? More than, say, threads from women in OP's situation? Are you sure?

Um well firstly try to calm down, secondly I said plenty not more than from women and thirdly “good at the job” is really subjective

But yes, there has been plenty of threads from women whose partners don’t work, who stayed home through mutual agreement, and they are advised not to give the man their money or their property. In fact generally once free nursery hours kick in they are told to get the cock lodger into employment,

So yeah, I’m sure.

@Bluntness100

Have there been? Loads of threads from women who work, and whose male partners are SAHDs by mutual agreement, and who are really good at the job, and who are on here complaining about it? More than, say, threads from women in OP's situation? Are you sure?

Um well firstly try to calm down, secondly I said plenty not more than from women and thirdly “good at the job” is really subjective

But yes, there has been plenty of threads from women whose partners don’t work, who stayed home through mutual agreement, and they are advised not to give the man their money or their property. In fact generally once free nursery hours kick in they are told to get the cock lodger into employment,

So yeah, I’m sure.

If you think I'm asking this because I'm not calm, I can see why you see all sorts of other things on here that also don't exist. Questioning you doesn't make a person irrational.

Threads in which a man is accused of being a cock lodger are usually because he doesn’t contribute at all, or his efforts are completely crap and he's completely unsuited to it, but he's not prepared to go back to work or improve.

You will of course get some OPs who are unreasonable, but if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that they will be told.

There really are not many threads by WOHMs with fabulous SAHD partners who are roundly told to fuck him over financially if they can. And if there are, they are most definitely outnumbered by threads like this one.

Do you want to buy a bridge?

Seriously? Yes you’re coming across as totally calm. Resorting to personal attacks is always a sign of calmness,

@DrSbaitso

Spot on

I have seen several threads from women whose dh are the sahd and they want to split and seem completely confused that the sahd is likely to become the RP and, possibly, more equity.

There's not going to be the same amount though. Because women are far more likely to be the sahp AND less likely to be the main wage earner.

And 'they were a Sahp but qere crap at it' is a common line a stbx says when they realise the divorce won't be that simple.

Besides which, if we are going to play 'reverse the sex' plenty of women post here about how the dp/dh complain about joy bad they are at being a sahp. And plenty of people tell the op to tell their other halves to piss off and that the OH has no idea how hard it is to be a sahp so needs to back off.

But if men are sahp and their wives think they are shit it must be true?

@Bluntness100

Seriously? Yes you’re coming across as totally calm. Resorting to personal attacks is always a sign of calmness,

Er, you're the one who attempted to reduce the discussion to "calm down dear", while insisting that MN is full of threads in which the vipers encourage a WOHM to fuck over a fantastic SAHD.

Do you have an actual answer to the rebuttal?

@Bluntness100

That’s not a personal attack
The distinctions that poster makes are entirely correct in terms of what constitutes a cocklodger as opposed to a woman who has paused her career or earning to give birth to abs look after the couples children thereby placing herself in a reliant position

Reliant isn’t always freeloading

But if men are sahp and their wives think they are shit it must be true?

Depends, I don't know. I'd have to see the thread. What I'm very sure of, though, is that we see many more threads like this one than we do ones where the vipers tell a working mother to make sure her brilliant SAHD has no share in the house and no financial security at all because he's automatically a cocklodger.

@mayblossominapril

It may be worth seeking advice about the document you signed as you did so without legal advice and only 2 weeks PP. Seek advice before you mention anything to him. Also start adding to you savings pot. If you have complete access to the joint account draw out a little bit more cash every week and get it in a savings account. Sell second hand stuff you don't need and save the cash. Start looking for a job and make sure the child care bill comes out of the household expenses. Keep your head and play a longer game

I don’t think there’s any mileage on the validity of the deed of trust. OP is the clearest writer, but if I understand it correctly, house #1 was bought jointly - and he asked for a deed of trust to protect his larger share. Which she signed without understanding. Then, when they sold house #1 and bought house #2, she got the arse about not having a feeling of “togetherness” and told him to own it on his own then, with him duly repaying her the £7K she’d put into house #1 instead of carrying it forward into the purchase of house #2. I think there is no deed of trust now. There doesn’t need to be - because he owns it alone.

You are a girlfriend living in his house and you could easily be an ex girlfriend not living in his house. Get a job, get childcare shared. If you live him and want to marry him ask him and if he says no, you know where you stand.

Unfortunately you've landed yourself in a very precarious position, and it's why many on here advocate being married before having children or giving up a job/career. I earn more than DH and had more assets than he did before marriage, so for me it wasn't about financial security, I had more to lose, but if you want me to commit to having a child, which lets be honest if things go pear shaped it's usually the mother who does the lion's share, then I want a commitment up front. Friends thought I was being old fashioned, they're now the same women moaning that they still don't have a ring on their finger at all or that they've been engaged for ten years and there's no wedding on the cards. If commitment and stability are important to you, I can't advocate enough getting married before children.
OP you need to get back to work and start saving. He doesn't respect you or value you. Protecting assets pre marriage and children is sensible, once you share children and are linked financially for a long time it's selfish and frankly quite rude.

I just don't feel equal to him and that really feels horrible

I am very sorry that you are in this precarious situation. There are so many issues, you have at least recognised that you are not equal partners.

You live in his house at his whim. You have given up your career and earning power in order to save him the cost of childcare for his children. If he decides that he no longer wanted you to live there, you would have no protection. He could ask you to move out at any time and you would have no redress.

If you moved out with the children, you might get child maintenance (if you had the DC for more than 50%.). He would owe you nothing to make up for your limited earning power.

What would happen if he died unexpectedly, given you say he has not written a will?

At least you are now aware, good luck with resolving the issues.

It's bought not brought

@GladAllOver

OP you are in a dangerous position. If he dies, his house will go to his relatives. Your children may get something but you will not. What relatives does he have? At the very least he should make a will leaving it to you, but even that could be torn up in the future if he chose. The only thing that will protect you is 20 minutes in a registry office to sign a marriage contract.

As long as he’s on the birth certificate his estate would go to his children. Not other relatives.

@IloveStrawberrylaces

It's bought not brought

How helpful…

But some of this is cutting your nose to spite your face. The seven grand would of meant he couldn’t just chuck the op out. The house whilst spilt mainly to his benefit would still have been in both names and unless he stated differently could of been sorted without a will if he died. He wasn’t willing to split his inheritance if they separated and wanted it protected but seemed to be willing to include the OP on the deeds.

Please don’t feel embarrassed

Your finances are not joined - so you need to either get him to start transferring money into your account ASAP and you start your own savings, or you get a job. Your share of the childcare is 50% of the cost, he has to pay the other 50% . So when you look at income on future jobs please keep that in mind.

Either you're equal partners or your finances are split - you should not allow him to have the best of both worlds, protecting his assets and finances but not supporting you bar keeping you housed and fed.

@DrSbaitso

But if men are sahp and their wives think they are shit it must be true?

Depends, I don't know. I'd have to see the thread. What I'm very sure of, though, is that we see many more threads like this one than we do ones where the vipers tell a working mother to make sure her brilliant SAHD has no share in the house and no financial security at all because he's automatically a cocklodger.

I really would hope no one would advise anyone to let their partner who is a sahp be financially vulnerable.

Of course we see more threads like these though. As I said, woman are far more likely to be sahp and less likely to be the main wage earner. So there's less people in the situation the other way round, which means there would be less threads.

@Regularsizedrudy

The only thing currently standing between you and poverty is his good mood. Think about that.

This...

You're in a massively insecure position. I wouldn't worry about being embarrassed... I'd be more worried about having no financial stake in the house with my partner.

Years aho a pal was in a similar position... Moved in with older bloke, who owned his house outright. The moment she was pregnant, he wanted to ensure she felt secure, without telling her, he went to the lawyers and put her name on half the house. As he didn't want her to feel he was uncommitted to theur family. They now have 2 huge kids and are very happy.

No he won't propose yet... It's not in his best financial interest.... Sorry OP...

I'd be looking at him VERY carefully.... Also he's tricked you...

I really would hope no one would advise anyone to let their partner who is a sahp be financially vulnerable.

They don't. A man might be criticised on here if he doesn't work or do any parenting and housework. He won't be roundly criticised merely for being a SAHD by mutual agreement. Women are told to protect themselves in various circumstances that require it, usually involving second relationships after children or divorce. But it's total bollocks that working mothers are routinely urged on here to deny the SAHDs of their mutual children any share in the house or financial security.

As I said, woman are far more likely to be sahp and less likely to be the main wage earner.

Yes. Which is one reason why the "reverse the genders!" crap is so tiresome and irrelevant. And why one has to wonder why some posters are so determined to believe there's an epidemic of women on here being told to fuck over SAHDs the way women like OP are fucked over every day.

@Ghostsintheshelf

Stop with the imaginary reversals! Not only is it completely irrelevant, but part of the point is that it's almost always women who find themselves in this situation. And if it were reversed, and the man were a SAHD, that would be taken into account by most people.

Yy. I don't know why people keep saying this like it's some kind of gotcha. All it shows is a lack of ability to consider context.

It isn’t irrelevant. Women on here are constantly being told their partners are cocklodgers…to ring fence their own money etc. But of course this is MN where women are always right and men are always wrong, I was forgetting…

It isn’t irrelevant. Women on here are constantly being told their partners are cocklodgers…to ring fence their own money etc. But of course this is MN where women are always right and men are always wrong, I was forgetting…

There's a thread on Relationships right now from a man who's sick of being solely responsible for all the mundane shitwork while his wife does nothing, getting support from posters.

I mean, I hate to drive a hole through this incredibly considered, informed and solid post, but that's what happens when you talk nonsense.