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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be quite embarrassed by this

270 replies

bluepurplepinkyellow · 07/09/2021 11:37

Been with dp 11 years, have dc together, Aibu to feel embarrassed that we aren't married or even engaged?

Not that this has anything to do with marriage but he owns the house he brought it on his own, we had brought a house together ( he inherited a lot of money, which is the only reason he could buy ) but when dd was 2 weeks old he asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his money and then when I realised what I had signed I asked him why he felt he needed to do this as I have no intention of interest in " his money " we were very much together and In love or so I thought, I decided that when I we moved and sold the old house I wanted to be either together and equal or to allow him to buy it alone without me owning about 7000 of it and feeling like it was only part my home. It was clear from the start it was more his house, we've moved now and it just feels really off that I'm just his girlfriend living in his house that doesn't feel like we are in it together, Aibu to feel embarrassed by this ?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 07/09/2021 16:36

OP, have you talked to him about going back to work and childcare being a household expense, which it should be? What does he say?

MiaRoma · 07/09/2021 16:39

I agree that protecting his assets is reasonable. But ELEVEN years later he's continuing to deny the OP and the child a permanent home? And security? He's a nasty piece of work

Boobieboobieboobie · 07/09/2021 16:41

Yanbu. Weres your protection? How dare he dors when you had a newborn?

Ghostsintheshelf · 07/09/2021 16:42

Stop with the imaginary reversals! Not only is it completely irrelevant, but part of the point is that it's almost always women who find themselves in this situation.
And if it were reversed, and the man were a SAHD, that would be taken into account by most people.

Yy. I don't know why people keep saying this like it's some kind of gotcha. All it shows is a lack of ability to consider context.

GladAllOver · 07/09/2021 16:42

OP you are in a dangerous position. If he dies,
his house will go to his relatives. Your children may get something but you will not. What relatives does he have?
At the very least he should make a will leaving it to you, but even that could be torn up in the future if he chose.
The only thing that will protect you is 20 minutes in a registry office to sign a marriage contract.

Boobieboobieboobie · 07/09/2021 16:43

@bluepurplepinkyellow

No he owns the house. I'm nothing to do with the house only live there with him and dc, I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet, I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare. If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him
You can’t afford child care?☹️🤨 This is all so wrong, what about him paying?
Cocomarine · 07/09/2021 16:53

Stop blaming him for your choices.
I’d be more “embarrassed” to have signed a deed of trust without checking what I was signing.

  • You chose to have a child in this set up.
  • You chose to have a least one more child, in the same set up.
  • You’ve chosen not to work - with an inheritance, you could have been in a smaller house if necessary, lower mortgage, so your joint earnings would still cover childcare.
  • You’ve chosen to take out your £7K claim on the property, which would have allowed you much more bargaining power had he wanted you to leave. Not only to be bought out (I bet the £7K invested in property would have beaten wherever you’ve stuck it) but because your legal interest would have blocked him from moving forward with things like selling it, and possibly with forcing you to leave.

If he were my friend - male or female - I’d tell him not to marry you. If s/he treated you or the children unfairly in a split, you’d no longer be my friend. You can do the morally correct thing without being obliged to legally.

But bottom line - he made his transparent choices and you made yours.

How easily can you get back into working, if you should need?

SturminsterNewton · 07/09/2021 17:00

[quote supermoonrising]@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves
Precisely. As I understand it, it is only quite recently that marriage has been understood as primarily about “love” (at least in the West). Until about about fifty years ago it was principally and correctly perceived as a legal financial contract for the purpose of protecting two individuals/families.

He’s not not marrying because he doesn’t love you, it’s because he doesn’t want to financially protect you. I’d ask myself whether I was ok with that - and also what the fact that he is happy with this set up says about his moral values.[/quote]
Blimey, fifty years ago was only 1971, not 1471! Some of us were actually alive then, it's not ancient history.

Boulshired · 07/09/2021 17:02

I would rather live in rented accommodation with my name on the lease, than live with a child in someone else’s property. Having that amount of one sided power in a relationship just wouldn’t work for me. My niece was chucked out by her boyfriend as soon as the youngest was 16 and she also gave up work to look after the children till they were five so took a career hit.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/09/2021 17:03

I think you should go back to work. You say you can't afford childcare but presumably you have low housing cost because of his inheritance, or are you both only just making ends meet?

Even if you have to work at weekends. If he complains he doesn't see you and has the kids all weekend then point out why you are doing it.

Cocomarine · 07/09/2021 17:04

@bluepurplepinkyellow

He brought me out 7000£, if I went on the mortgage and we split he would have to buy me out - which he has no money to buy me out, so I would be equally trapped, it took 3 years for me to persuade him to move closer to my family and his work so we could save money travelling so if we split I'd just have to stay in his house because he wouldn't buy me out his excuse would be he has no money and I wouldn't be able to seek legal advice because I wouldn't have the funds to do that and have some put by to rent so being on the mortgage or the deeds I'd probably be even more stuck
You say in another post that it’s not about the money, it’s about feeling equal.

It SHOULD be about the money - at least in so far as that represents security.

Why would he have no money to buy you out? He wouldn’t need cash savings, he’d just need to re-mortgage. And over time, most likely his borrowing need would be lower (because all the while he’s reducing the mortgage) and his salary might be increasing. He also used a chunk of inheritance, so he might not even be at his borrowing limit anyway.

Do not for a minute think that it’s somehow wrong to think about money, or have actions motivated by it. Financial security is far more important than woolly notions of “togetherness” when you need somewhere to live.

Childcare and going back to work would be my priority here.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 17:18

@Mybestgirl

He’s only doing what women on here are constantly being told to do. If the roles were reversed, you’d be told to do exactly the same by posters. He’s right to protect himself in my opinion, it was his inheritance that enabled him to buy in the first place. There’s no way of knowing you’ll be together for ever…
No they aren't. Not if their partners is going to be a sahd.

My dp won't ever be entitled to my assets.

But if I fell pregnant and he was go g to be a sahd, we would have to work out a way to give him some security.

But, I don't believe op is blameless. She has gone along with this. Looked into enough to know she would prefer the 7k in cash than in the house etc.

She has made poor choices. He has made choices that are good for him. Poor for her.

burritofan · 07/09/2021 17:29

Stop with the imaginary reversals! Not only is it completely irrelevant, but part of the point is that it's almost always women who find themselves in this situation.
Yes! Plus when women are advised to protect their assets, they’re not told “Make sure you get him to sign something when he’s physically and hormonal vulnerable [as OP was, two weeks postpartum - you can’t gender reverse that situation!], don’t explain to him exactly what it is, and pluck a figure from thin air without ensuring he knows what ‘buying out’ actually means.”

Booboosweet · 07/09/2021 17:49

You don't really have the luxury of being a SAHP in this situation. I would say to him that unless you get married, you're going back to work full time.

mayblossominapril · 07/09/2021 18:12

It may be worth seeking advice about the document you signed as you did so without legal advice and only 2 weeks PP. Seek advice before you mention anything to him.
Also start adding to you savings pot. If you have complete access to the joint account draw out a little bit more cash every week and get it in a savings account. Sell second hand stuff you don't need and save the cash.
Start looking for a job and make sure the child care bill comes out of the household expenses.
Keep your head and play a longer game

LannieDuck · 07/09/2021 18:22

@bluepurplepinkyellow

No he owns the house. I'm nothing to do with the house only live there with him and dc, I have spoken to him about marriage and even suggested we just go and get married without al the faff but he says just cuz we're not married it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to he just hasn't asked yet, I don't work yet but will once dc are in school, we wouldn't be able to afford childcare. If it was the other way round we would have been in it together what's mine is his kinda thing I feel very below him
This would really concern me. He's building up equity in an asset and you're supporting him to do that but getting nothing back yourself. He can only work FT because you're covering childcare.

If you went back to work (and started saving up for a deposit of your own), he'd have to cover half the childcare from his wages. Which would probably make his mortgage payments unaffordable?

You're effectively subsiding his mortgage, but he's the only one accruing any equity. (Could he be holding off on marriage to avoid you having any claim on his assets?)

What a nice position for him to be in. You facilitate him working full time and building equity, but have no claim on his wage (beyond CMS), pension or house.

BeaBeaBuzz · 07/09/2021 18:39

This is mad! You need to get back to work and start saving. If he wants you to stay at home he needs to marry you and undo the deed of trust. You’re so vulnerable right now it’s terrifying

notanothertakeaway · 07/09/2021 21:03

@Pinkdelight3

I’m not sure what the common laws are here with co habiting couples in the UK.

There are none. It's a dangerous myth that makes some women think they have some of the rights that come with marriage when they don't.

@Pinkdelight3

Cohabitees have certain rights in Scotland

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2021 21:17

Op how did he “make” you sign a deed of trust? What form did this take? Are you saying he is abusing you? Or do you mean he just asked you to?

You aren’t answering questions on work or free nursery hours.

Look if you don’t want to work it’s fine, but this dude ain’t giving you his house and he’s not marrying you. So it’s get a job or stay vulnerable.

legoriakelne · 07/09/2021 21:18

@Ghostsintheshelf

Stop with the imaginary reversals! Not only is it completely irrelevant, but part of the point is that it's almost always women who find themselves in this situation. And if it were reversed, and the man were a SAHD, that would be taken into account by most people.

Yy. I don't know why people keep saying this like it's some kind of gotcha. All it shows is a lack of ability to consider context.

Yup.

For starters, if it were a SAHD people would be treating him like a good among men... "Oh my goodness, you care for your own child, how wonderful you are! < swoon> "

AlecTrevelyan006 · 07/09/2021 21:19

my partner and I have been together for 26 years - not married

we have two kids and a joint mortgage

I sometimes refer to her as my wife in certain settings, just because it's easier

Sweetchocolatecandy · 07/09/2021 21:25

If he’s made you sign a deed of trust, won’t marry you or give you any claim on ‘his’ house then it sounds to me that he’s very happy for you to remain financially vulnerable. The question you should be asking is why does someone who you have been with for 11 years and who claims to love you wants you to be in this shit position?

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2021 21:29

For starters, if it were a SAHD people would be treating him like a good among men... "Oh my goodness, you care for your own child, how wonderful you are! < swoon> "

Nonsense, there’s been plenty of threads on here from women whose partners don’t work and care for the kids. Every single time she’s advised not to give the bloke her house.

AveryGoodlay · 07/09/2021 21:34

He’s not not marrying because he doesn’t love you, it’s because he doesn’t want to financially protect you. I’d ask myself whether I was ok with that - and also what the fact that he is happy with this set up says about his moral values. Equally though OP has done nothing to financially protect herself.

To be fair even if you are married, being unemployed leaves you so so vulnerable. Yes you'll get some kind of settlement, but until that is sorted (may take years), you're left on benefits struggling constantly.

Out of interest OP, what was the reason for giving up work? Did you feel pressured to do so? Could you look at working when he is off to reduce childcare? Or he needs to be asking about working condensed hours for example. If he doesn't do everything he can to facilitate you working I'd personally get rid.

Don't forget, all childcare is a joint expense. I'm so sick of posters saying that after childcare they would have no wage, not taking into account that their partner would be responsible for this payment also. It's frustrating that women feel that burden is theirs and theirs only, it's how the patriarchy wants us to think.

Boulshired · 07/09/2021 21:44

I still do not understand why having the seven grand in the latest property would make you feel trapped. It would have added protection and been a way of gaining equity if the property rose in value. Especially as the seven is now halved. It would of given you more rights than you have now.