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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just sack off this weekend

232 replies

TomAllenWife · 07/09/2021 06:46

Don't want to post too much as outing, but if you were due to go on a weekend away on Friday and still no arrangements had been made regarding leaving time, travel, food or sleeping arrangements would you bother?

Despite asking repeatedly I'm just getting nowhere.

I do suffer with anxiety and need a plan to work to, I need to be organised.

Would you just stay home?

OP posts:
Rememberallball · 07/09/2021 09:11

Who decided you would all go away and is it for a specific event or just a weekend away with nothing specific happening? Were you asked to be the driver or did you offer? Has anyone discussed meals and shopping apart from your questions?

I’m one of those people who would actually be really pissed off if no one else was bothered about details such as what time you’re leaving or best route to take; what’s happening about divvying up food shopping and paying for it all. And the fact your questions are only being met with more questions from the others makes it sound like everyone wants the fun of a weekend away without the responsibility of committing to organising it - are they all expecting to turn up to a fridge full of food and a meal plan done? Or are they thinking of eating out 3 times a day and going with the flow as fancy takes them?

I went away earlier in the year with family (2 separate units of accommodation and coming from different areas, one 4 hours away, one 1/2 hour away) and, in the weeks before the holiday, we discussed meals, organised an online shop to come to the more local person earlier in the day of check in, arranged for the other family to come to their house first as check in was later afternoon and generally had all the ‘big’ details agreed on with at least a week to go.

I couldn’t be doing with no organisation whatsoever with just days to go and it would leave me questioning going away at all or just organising myself to be ready in the morning and leaving the rest of them to it (with the potential that you’ll still be sitting at home at teatime on Friday because someone isn’t packed, still has to do the washing and is at work till 5pm!!)

Ughmaybenot · 07/09/2021 09:16

I can see why this is getting you stressed if you suffer with anxiety anyway but trust me, it’ll be fine. The questions they came back with aren’t, I would say anyway, random and make sense in the context. What you need to establish, as driver, is what time you’re wanting to leave, and check with your passengers, and where exactly you’re going. Everything else will fall into place.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/09/2021 09:19

If it's a 2 hour drive and you have accommodation booked, you don't need to start panicking about planning the nitty gritty so early but you could start saying things like 'I'm going to set off at 2 pm, does that work for you' to whoever you are taking.

If there's two cars you don't all need to set off at the same time and some people might need to set off after work, or the worst of the rush hour. If you don't set off until 6 pm, you'll still be there not long after 8 even if you stop to shop or eat on the way.

You know the people you are going with and what the weekend's for so should have some idea as to whether you'll be eating out, eating in, and cooking from scratch or oven food like pizzas/ready meals.

Why not divide the number or meals between the number of people/families and agree to all provide a share each?

Pedalpushers · 07/09/2021 09:21

You know a fair bit - late afternoon for accommodation, assume 4pm. Around a two hour drive with a stop for food shop - be ready to leave about 1pm. You know the number of people and meals so can make a rough list of what will need buying, but assume it will all be bought in the shop on the way. There will be a shop - you don't need to know which specific one yet surely?

20viona · 07/09/2021 09:23

I'd relax a bit and text tomorrow for plans.

Carryonmarion · 07/09/2021 09:30

Just tell them what the plan is - it will assuage your anxiety and everyone else will be relieved they don't have to do it. I have a friend like this -every time we are doing something together I get a load of text messages ... "what time ... what's the plan for ... when will we do...". I have a job where I have to concentrate a lot and its' difficult for me to get my head out of that space and into another right away. When I finish work l have DH and 4 kids pestering me so often I wouldn't think about Friday until Thursday night and be perfectly happy to plan then. But I get that she wants to plan earlier which is fine but i won't be able to make the plan for her in the timescale she wants. I keep asking her to tell me what she wants to do but it's always, "I'm easy" which means we don't get anywhere. If aspects of your plan don't work for everyone, they can simply suggest alternatives.

EpicDay · 07/09/2021 09:43

I think if they are good friends you should just come clean, say it’s making you anxious and you need a plan. I suffer from travel anxiety and my friends are now very sympathetic. They let me arrive stupidly early at airports, talk through plans etc. We laugh about it but they are kind. They have other anxieties eg around food, sleeping arrangements, which I don’t have so it’s give and take.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 07/09/2021 09:45

Without giving too much detail the owner of the accommodation has invited me & 2 others.

All I know is the general area, for example: 'we're off to the coast'

Two of us can stay til Monday, 2 til Sunday which is why the 4 of us are taking 2 cars

OP posts:
FfrothiCoffi · 07/09/2021 09:49

Then what’s the stress?
You say you can’t make the plans for everyone… but you want someone to make the plan for you?
Are you driving?
I would say… ‘how about this for a plan? Leave at 11ish. Stop for lunch on the way, then stop at x supermarket just before we arrive at y? Can someone send me the address so I can look up places en route?’

Monestera · 07/09/2021 09:50

Well you can presume that you'll roughly be able to check-in at 4pm. Two hour drive, you'll be leaving something like 1pm?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2021 09:51

If you know the general area, Google a supermarket. Or go to your local one on Friday morning and take food with you.

Are you responsible for kids or are you going alone with friends?

Monestera · 07/09/2021 09:52

I think you need to let go a little, but I too would find such passivity on their part quite controlling. Do you know the town you're going to? Do you know the actual address?

FfrothiCoffi · 07/09/2021 09:52

Or, as they’re your friends, say ‘right, you know I get stressed and anxious without a plan. Can we decide what time we’re leaving and what we’re doing about food?’
They’re your friends, I’m sure they’ll get their acts together if they know you’re stressed

Beautiful3 · 07/09/2021 10:00

Think I'd want to know the plan by Wednesday, otherwise I wouldn't go. I have to plan and shop before we go. I'd just bring my breakfast/lunch/drinks. I'm sure you can all shop locally for evening meals/take out, everyone should chip in.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 07/09/2021 10:01

If you can’t get in to the accommodation until late afternoon and it’s 2 hours then you will be leaving after 12, probs more like 1? If these people know the area then I think you need to unclench a bit or risk missing out for no good reason.

There’s loads of time to shop or shop local to where you are going to be staying? Your friends know the place, follow their lead. If you want to prepare then getting busy with your packing, clothes etc, clean the car inside and out, fill it with fuel and windscreen washers etc.

Naptimenow · 07/09/2021 10:04

I'd ask the the owner if they were organising the dinner arrangements on the first night or should we order in pizza/takeaway.

Fere · 07/09/2021 10:14

You can get some fuel, pack your stuff or make a list what you take.
That is a lot and the rest can be done in 2 days time.

OldTinHat · 07/09/2021 10:17

Do the people you're going away with have form for this? Adult DS1 is a bloody nightmare for exactly this kind of behaviour. I live a long way from him and travel involves an expensive and not reliable car ferry. I've learned to expect it, roll my eyes and be ready at a moment's notice. With some people you just have to let it go.

DGFB · 07/09/2021 10:25

It wouldn’t bother me personally, I’d like to know by Friday morning though

Jumpingintosummer · 07/09/2021 10:27

Could you suggest getting a shop delivered?

sillysmiles · 07/09/2021 10:30

Just ask for the address and route map how to get there and then you can see roughly when you need to leave and where you'll be passing by to stop for supplies.

As the driver you decide the leaving time.

sonjadog · 07/09/2021 10:35

If I were going on this trip, I would think - we have a place to stay, we have transport, and therefore the most important things are in place. What time to leave and where to buy food are not things that need to be planned way in advance. You have cars so you can leave when it suits you, and supermarkets are not scare things so it doesn't need complicated planning to find one. I wouldn't expect these things to be decided before Thursday.

Xiaoxiong · 07/09/2021 10:36

Ah - well if they are the actual owner of the accommodation I would definitely relax about food - they are hosting you!! They should figure this stuff out, it's not like you're in an Air B&B or something. When we invite friends to stay it would be a bit weird if they organised a shop to be delivered to our house.

At the same time, I wouldn't show up empty handed - it depends on how much you will all be drinking but a few bottles, some nibbles like crisps/olives/cheese/biscuits and maybe some cocktail fixings would be plenty.

I would say something like "Friend, can you let me know where your cottage is so I know when we'll need to set off? I need to sort things with work/the cat/my elderly mum/houseplants by the end of the day today, otherwise I won't be able to come"

starfishmummy · 07/09/2021 10:52

I'd probably be getting twitchy about the vagueness but agree with pp about you taking some responsibility.

Assuming it's self catering then find out who needs to get there first to get the keys and then tell everyone else what time you want to leave and whether you are picking them up or where they are to meet you. Suggest you stop to shop at xx on the way and ask someone to make a list.

PoppenhuisStories · 07/09/2021 11:05

I’d be getting anxiety being harassed for shopping plans on Tuesday for something that’s happening at the weekend! You know where you’re going, how you’re getting there and someone has invited you to their house so there is some element of hosting responsibility there. Chill!