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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just sack off this weekend

232 replies

TomAllenWife · 07/09/2021 06:46

Don't want to post too much as outing, but if you were due to go on a weekend away on Friday and still no arrangements had been made regarding leaving time, travel, food or sleeping arrangements would you bother?

Despite asking repeatedly I'm just getting nowhere.

I do suffer with anxiety and need a plan to work to, I need to be organised.

Would you just stay home?

OP posts:
MydogWillow · 07/09/2021 07:45

Is this a couples thing or does it involve kids?

I would set up a Chat and start the ball rolling. Work and school will have been on people's minds so it will probably be welcomed.

As you're driving, set the time you would like to leave.

It sounds like you're self catering? A Tesco delivery to your accommodation would help.

Have you gone away with these people before? If so, how have arrangements worked?

Is it vague because the accommodation is a surprise for you?

cooldarkroom · 07/09/2021 07:49

I'd clearly say, that as I was driving I want the address to look at Google maps today
I'd also want to know what time we are leaving. & suggest X time, from X place. Everyone needs to provide their own food as no one is being arsed to plan, You don't know if there a supermkt on the way, as you don't know where this place is.
Tell them you are group leader if they are such a bunch of limp lettuce
start with sending them a group text/mail/whatsapp. today

Monty27 · 07/09/2021 07:52

Start with a departure time and no stopping

MiddleClassProblem · 07/09/2021 07:53

Don’t “tell them you are group leader”. Two reasons, you don’t sound like you want to lead but you may have to in this one part of the holiday, and secondly, you’ll sound like a dick.

Confusedandshaken · 07/09/2021 07:53

@TomAllenWife

Only one person knows where the accommodation is. All I know is we can't get in until late afternoon. I have no idea what supermarkets are en route I only have a rough idea that it's about a 2 hour drive
When we do trips like this it's the person driving that calls the shots. It's not for the passengers to decide your timetable. You know enough to make a basic plan - you can't get i until late afternoon and it's about a two hour drive. I'd text the group saying ' I'm planning on picking people up about 2pm (or whenever) so we can have a leisurely drive down. That gives us time to pick up some basics if needed. How does that sound?' Then you can firm things up when you have more information.
Brefugee · 07/09/2021 07:56

if not having a plan is causing you anxiety and you're one of the drivers, make a plan and tell eeryone that's what you're doing?

I don't think for a group with 2 cars that Tuesday is early at all to make plans. Mine would have been made already.

rookiemere · 07/09/2021 07:56

Don't announce you're group leader. If someone did that to me, I'd pull out. It's a weekend with friends, not a Duke of Edinburgh expedition.

Lalliella · 07/09/2021 07:57

Read up on Myers-Briggs personality types! Obviously this won’t help you plan the weekend but it will help you understand why some people are planners and some people are last-minute spontaneous types. Neither is right or wrong but both are frustrating to the other! The different personality types are obvious on this thread!

OP you’re getting anxious about the lack of planning but not wanting to take the lead yourself. Sounds like no-one else wants to either. But you could take the lead. Make some concrete, not vague, suggestions in the WhatsApp group. Get the link to the accommodation for starters and get planning a route. Then there’s only really food. Sleeping arrangements can be sorted when you get there.

Have a good weekend!

Spudlet · 07/09/2021 07:59

You need to ask the person who knows where you’re staying for the address, then you can see how long it will take and work from that. You can say something like ‘I see it’s going to take x amount of time to get there, so I plan to set off at y time, and there’s a shop here so we can pick up some supplies on the way. Does that suit you all, passengers?’ And they will either say yes, great, or they will say can we leave at this time instead or whatever and you can arrange something between you.

If others are more laidback then it’s pointless waiting for them to send you things, they just won’t see the need for it. So you are going to have to actively seek that information from them and then take a bit of a lead. Do you know them well enough to make a bit of a joke of it? I know with some people I probably would make a lighthearted reference to needing the information for my spreadsheet or something - but appreciate you may not feel like that’s something you want to do.

PicardyRose · 07/09/2021 07:59

As driver you call the shots as to when you leave. Ask for a share of fuel money upfront, to fill up before you go.

There will be at least one lazy person who does sod all to keep the place tidy, one who has 30 min showers and hogs all the hot water, one who forgets to bring any money and will expect to be subsidised, and one who complains all the time.

PicardyRose · 07/09/2021 08:01

Are these your friends or are you just being used as a taxi service?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2021 08:02

OK - how many people are going - you say 2 cars, 2 drivers - is it all a group of friends or 2 families?

I presume you're asking questions in some kind of SM group - whatsapp or messenger or something - so I would post something like:
"I want to get to the venue by X time on Friday, so I need to know where we're going so I can plan the route to avoid Friday evening traffic. I will be bringing my own supplies, but none for anyone else, so you can all make your own decisions on that, but I won't be stopping en route as I want to be at the venue by X time".

And then tell/remind them that you have anxiety and if you don't have some answers soon, you're not going to be able to go because your anxiety will make it impossible for you to drive.

I understand - I don't have huge anxiety but I do when it comes to failing to plan. I am also married to one who doesn't understand that need - he says things like "shall we go away for the school holidays?" and then does no planning for it until about 3 days prior to the "going away time" when, unsurprisingly, there is only limited availability. At which point he's usually either spending far more than necessary, or he jacks it in entirely. I don't plan it for him because he has to work it around his work requirements and I'm not spending ages arranging something only for him to foul it up later by saying "Oh I can't do that date/that area because X work thing" because he's "forgotten" about the plan.

I like to know a few days out, like you - I'm not a "spur of the moment" person unless it doesn't have any other impact on my life (e.g. when we do go away, I don't need the whole holiday planned out - we can make decisions when we get there - although covid has rather reduced our options if we don't plan because so many places that never used to take bookings now have to for number control) - and would get frustrated if people refused to make any decisions.

MydogWillow · 07/09/2021 08:02

@Spudlet

I know with some people I probably would make a lighthearted reference to needing the information for my spreadsheet or something

I use a spreadsheet....GrinGrin

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 07/09/2021 08:04

For very organised people, being disorganised can make you very anxious. I feel for you, OP; I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago with final arrangements for an activities break only sent through 24 hours before departure. I knew I could have organised it better, all the information would have been distributed at least a week earlier, bedrooms allocated, food requests submitted ... I had to forcibly stop myself from stepping in and offering to take over the arrangements.

It's a learning curve. You learn to be more relaxed about such things, they learn to organise. You kow that it's about two hours away and who'll be going, so you plan "rough" timings and food which you can then finalise on the day before departure.

Notonthestairs · 07/09/2021 08:04

Do you want to go?

If yes then ask for the postcode as you need to plan your route and work out petrol money etc. AA route finder shows service stations and possibly supermarkets.

You say when you'll be ready to leave. You decide on whether you pick them up on the way or they come to you first.

If you don't want to go pull out now as they will need to get another car.

pontiouspilates · 07/09/2021 08:06

I am going away for the weekend and we haven't really sorted anything out yet - it's fine. Don't stress, you still have plenty time to get everything ready. Enjoy your weekend

londonrach · 07/09/2021 08:07

I understand where you coming from...I grow up where my parents spent weeks preparing the clothes etc for one night away..took suitcases too...I've been with DH for over 20 years and he the last minute book and go guy and got used to just going with the flow ...my parents can't understand why we can suddenly just book accommodation and go in ten minutes..yes it's taken me years to get used too but if you forget anything you can just buy a replacement or don't in fact need it ..you be surprised how little you need

C8H10N4O2 · 07/09/2021 08:07

So just to clarify - you are doing all the shopping and are a driver for this trip but you don't know where it is or when you are leaving?

Can you not say "either you tell me what's needed to sort out food or you sort it out".

Why is it secret - is it meant to be some kind of mystery weekend or just an organiser being a dick?

londonrach · 07/09/2021 08:09

Agree..driver choses when to leave etc due to triedness etc..

rookiemere · 07/09/2021 08:10

Personally I wouldn't mention your anxiety unless a message with a concrete plan gets you nowhere.
More likely you'll say " Let's leave at x and get there for why" and they'll all say great or "
How about we stop at y for lunch ?" But either way you should have arrangements made by the end of the day.
I wouldn't like to be on too tight a schedule when there though as will depend on weather and how busy things are, so is that something where you can live with loose ideas being solidified the night before?

NatashaRf · 07/09/2021 08:12

@TomAllenWife "I have no idea what supermarkets are en route
I only have a rough idea that it's about a 2 hour drive"

Surely then you're the one not planning?

Isn't hard on google maps. I'm an over planner and I'd've been checking the route already even if I wasn't the driver!

Clymene · 07/09/2021 08:12

Why don't you decide when you're leaving if you're driving? Confused

Sciurus83 · 07/09/2021 08:13

It's booked and you'd consider flouncing because you've not asked for the post code or sorted who's going to order pizza yet and it's only Tuesday? Just do those things?! Who are you taking, do you all live in the same city or are you collecting them from elsewhere, does everyone have Friday off work? Just ask!

MojitoPlease12 · 07/09/2021 08:13

No this would drive me mad. Not to the point I'd cancel but I'd be worrying about it and stressing all week lol

moynomore · 07/09/2021 08:18

@TomAllenWife

But I can't plan for everyone!

And I can't buy 3 days food for everyone.

I have asked what is best time to leave but it's like random replies 'shall we stop', 'shall we shop on the way' etc etc

Say "right, we're leaving at x time, stopping at x for supplies". Take charge if it's bothering you. Clearly the people you are going with don't mind either way and will probably be thankful someone is taking charge.
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