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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about being snubbed by mother because DD doesn't want to invite her to birthday party

158 replies

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:40

DD1 is 7 on Saturday, and has decided to have small party for eight friends. She doesn't want to invite one friend because she can be bossy and a bit of a bully. DD1 went to other child's party last week, but is adamant didn't want to invite her. Since then her mother has avoided me in school playground, and where she would normally offer to take DD to Spanish class tonight, she has said nothing. i take her DD to drama club on a Friday, so it's an arrangement which usually works well. Some one has said she is upset her DD is being left out, but should I have invited her regardless of DD's wishes?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 19:18

Crush, with respect I have listened to what others have said, and yes I feel totally CRAP about whole situation. But I do feel that as it is a party for my daughter, I don't want to enforce my views on her. I have discussed this with her at length over the week-end to the point that it was over shadowing everything to do with the party. I'm sure that many of you would invite her, but I really did not appreciate that such an innocently intended thread has turned into such a hate ridden attack on one persons view of handling, what is after all, just a sodding birthday. Is this child going to be scarred for life, will she turn to a life of crime because of 1 non-invitation? Can you remember whose parties you were not invited to as a child? My main issue was with the mother behaving like a child and ignoring me (and some of the other mums whose children were invited btw) I hate any kind of confrontation, and any one wanting to see an example of bullying should try reading this thread

OP posts:
TroutSprout · 03/12/2007 19:19

Aww invite her Sarah...go on. (you know you want to really!)
You aren't vile or spiteful, you just made a mistake (we all make em)...just phone up the mum and say 'i'm sorry , i did the wrong thing'.
Think how much better you will feel

BatteriesNotIncluded · 03/12/2007 19:21

It seems that both mother and daughter arent having an easy time right now. Id be totally distraught if I were in her position. It looks a little like 'double standards' on your part if im honest. It cant have been easy for this mother to open up like that and as others have said, its such a shame that you can enable this situation to have a positive outcome in inviting her daughter.

You did state earlier that it is YOUR wish for her daughter to come to the party. Have you since changed yoru mind? Maybe this would even be an opportunity to help this child and mother by talking to your daughter about the importance of not sheepishly follow others who are shunning this girl. Acting otherwise may seem like you condone some of the nastiness directed at this girl.

morningpaper · 03/12/2007 19:23

Now you've spoken to her mother, why not ring her, say you've given it some thought and you'd like the girl to be there, as long as her mum is there to keep her behaviour in check?

Seems like everyone wins that way?

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 03/12/2007 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 19:27

"My main issue was with the mother behaving like a child and ignoring me (and some of the other mums whose children were invited btw)"

This is what it's all about. You've been discussing her and her daughter at the school gates with the mothers of the "lovely" children then some spiteful person has run off to her to make trouble and tell her her daughter is being excluded and you're accusing her of behaving like a child, FFS! Sounds like that label would suit the people who make such a drama out of a child's party if you ask me.

For this whole thread I've got the feeling it's you who really doesn't want this little girl at your daughter's party. I bet your daughter is picking up on it. And avoiding confrontation whilst still managing to create a big hoo-ha at the same time is called passive aggression. You could have just invited this kid and avoided a whole lot of hurt feelings and drama so why not go ahead and do the right thing now.

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 03/12/2007 19:30

I remember everyone going to tricia mc closkey's birthday party & I didn't. Apparently they hadn't enough chairs

marymay · 03/12/2007 19:31

from what you say .dont think its the other mother acting like a child

OrmIrian · 03/12/2007 19:31

I think that the OP may not have handled it well but I still don't see that a child's party is the forum to work out the parents' social hierarchy. CHildren don't form their friendships to suit their parents - not should they.

It may well be that she never liked this particular child but that she was always thrust together with her on the way to spanish or whatever it was because they were in the same class at school and it was convenient. Children don't always tell adults whom they like and dislike because adults don't often listen. Not liking another child doesn't make her a bitch. or vile Maybe the child was spectacularly unpleasant at her own party and the OPs DD's unease around her is now such that she doesn't want her at her own party - which after all is her party for her to enjoy.

I dont understand all the vitriol. It wasn't the whole class, just 8 children. She isn't the only child being 'excluded'.

However I can't help feeling that after the mum explained what was going on, I'd have wanted to ask her inspite of my child

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 19:34

This being the season of good will and lots of wine, have phoned mother & had heart to heart, and have asked her DD. Having another glass to celebrate. Who says bullying achieves nothing Does this mean I still have to change my name or am i still a parental pariah and persona non grata on MN

OP posts:
morningpaper · 03/12/2007 19:35

I have boring friends, and friend who piss me off sometimes, and friends who are mad when drunk. But we are part of the same support network. There is no way I would exclude them just because a party is "better" without the "boring" friends or the "drunk and annoying" friends.

That's part of being a mature and caring individual.

morningpaper · 03/12/2007 19:36

good for you Sarah, I think you did the right thing

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 19:36

That's nice, Sarah.

I hope it's a lovely party.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 19:36

I'd change your name anyway tbh I don't like the 'Bratz' part. Why not be Sarahtwoturtledoves since it's Christmas.

morningpaper · 03/12/2007 19:38

oh yah you DO need to change your name

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 03/12/2007 19:40

"Can you remember whose parties you were not invited to as a child?"

Yes. Her name was Hanna. I was the only girl in our class not invited to her birthday for 5 out of 6 years in primary school. I was invited to all the other birthdays though, but not hers. The reason? She was not invited the previous year. That was bollocks, because HER birthday was 2 weeks before mine. But in year 2 I had enough of inviting her, just for her to feign igonarance and say she was not invited. In the sixth year of primary school, she asked my friend if I had invited her the previous year, my friend said yes, so I got an invite. I was probably the happiest girl alive. Makes me really sad, doesnt it.

But yes, you DO remember the birthdays you have not been invited to.

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 03/12/2007 19:41

Well done Sarah!

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/12/2007 19:42

Good for you. Yes, please change your name

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 19:43

Any other suggestions, although quite like sarahtwoturtledoves

OP posts:
NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations · 03/12/2007 19:48

Ah it warms the heart

Mince pie anyone?

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/12/2007 20:00

well said E.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 20:09

Good on you sarah

S1ur · 03/12/2007 20:13

Wow, I went away for an hour or so and things moved on a fair bit didn't they!

FWIW I think you've made the right decision now Sarah and I think its a sign of great maturity and intelligence to be able to change your mind about something even when people have put your defenses up. (BTW some of the comments about Sarah and her DD were a bit out of order IMO)

Sooo is it time to start a new thread
'Help I've invited a bossy madame to my dd's party - anyone got any tactics for keeping the peace?' signed sarahtwoturtledoves/sarahwisemum/sarahtwostockings

iheartdusty · 03/12/2007 20:25

this raises one of my most shameful memories.

when I was about 10(?) I was finally allowed to have a party. There was a big group of us in the class who all hung out together, say about 11 kids. I decided there had to be equal numbers of boys and girls. So I invited 10 kids and left one boy out.

I still can see his face and remember his voice saying "what about me?". I was just so hell-bent on my plan that I wouldn't stop to consider his feelings. I so, so wish that my parents had asked me a bit about the guest list, found out, and persuaded me to change the plan. They evidently thought they were encouraging my independence, or something, and didn't ask at all, just left me to it.

On the day about 3 of my friends came.

I found out later that the others had all agreed to stay away in sympathy with the left-out boy. Then the next week his parents held a party for him - it wasn't his birthday - and guess who wasn't invited.

well it was over 30 years ago now, and if by some remote chance he were reading this - at least I can say how much I regret it.

TroutSprout · 03/12/2007 20:29

Hurrah!
you did the right thing

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