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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about being snubbed by mother because DD doesn't want to invite her to birthday party

158 replies

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:40

DD1 is 7 on Saturday, and has decided to have small party for eight friends. She doesn't want to invite one friend because she can be bossy and a bit of a bully. DD1 went to other child's party last week, but is adamant didn't want to invite her. Since then her mother has avoided me in school playground, and where she would normally offer to take DD to Spanish class tonight, she has said nothing. i take her DD to drama club on a Friday, so it's an arrangement which usually works well. Some one has said she is upset her DD is being left out, but should I have invited her regardless of DD's wishes?

OP posts:
goingfor3christmaspuddings · 03/12/2007 18:45

Maybe the mother felt very left out as a child and doesn't want her daughter to feel the same way. Also if you thought the whole class had been invited to a party and your dd had not would you not feel offended?

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/12/2007 18:45

OMG I cannot believe you are still not going to invite her, even after hearing the poor Mum saying she is aware of how others are shunning her daughter, that would have melted my heart. Wow I guess I have all this to come with DD (11m) I only know I will never, ever behave as you have.

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 03/12/2007 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marymay · 03/12/2007 18:46

your dd shouldnt have gone to the other little girls party.
the other little girl must be feeling very left out and sad.

LyraSilvertongue · 03/12/2007 18:46

Sarah, my situation was almost the same as yours, except I was on the other side, and involved two boys. It's no different with boys.

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 03/12/2007 18:47

The response "It is ok, I can come next year" does not sound like the response of a pushy, bolsey, girl. But I wonder about the sentence your dd said prior to this response, was it "Ner Ner, your not invited to my party, ner ner!"

I wonder who the real bully is...

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 18:48

I'm feeling a bit sorry for you that you haven't learned better manners, Sarah. You were quick to register your hurt feelings here when this woman was less than friendly to you, but when you and your daughter did a very unfriendly thing to her daughter (after being happy to accept her hospitality the week before) suddenly your sensitive feelings get switched off about her reaction to it.

Girls will probably do this crappy exclusionary stuff when they get to eleven or twelve but to encourage it at seven is really bad.

mears · 03/12/2007 18:50

Since there is car sharing going on with this girl then I think she should hav ebeen invcited. If your DD had such a problem with her she should not have gone to her party.

Be warned, little girls start all this crap from about this age. You might think your DD is quite placid but you may get a surprise along the line and find she is a 'quiet instigator'. As a mum of 4 teenagers, including a girl I can tell you I have seen it all.

As someone said earlier, I would not be begging a 7 year old to include certain people to be invited to a party I would be insisting on it. She went to hers this year, this girl should be invited back. Then next year she makes it clear whether she likes this girl enough to go to her party if asked.

It is a time for teaching kindness and social responsibility - it goes beyond the party itself.

As the other girls mum I would be annoyed and would actually consider stopping car sharing as obviously your DD does not like her child (this week!!)

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 03/12/2007 18:50

What Elizabetth said.

bethelsie · 03/12/2007 18:51

i thought it was a parents job to teach your child how to resolve conflict and develop friendships, not create conflict and destroy friendships

LyraSilvertongue · 03/12/2007 18:51

Sarah, you're obviously getting very defensive here and some people are being a bit unkind but don't let that stop you doing the right thing. And you do know what the right thing is now, don't you? If you don't invite this girl the party will be ruined anyway by all the hurt and upset it's caused.

claricebeansmum · 03/12/2007 18:52

I think I am with OP.
DD is yr 5 and there is a child in her class who, in turn, has bullied the other children. Just before her party she went on a charm offensive and so when the invites went out everyone wanted to go...however since then she has been a lot of trouble - school issues, home issues, bullying etc and DD and her friends do not want to invite her to the party. I have now told my DD that she cannot ever go to this girls parties again.

It's life - sometimes friends have dinner parties and we don't get invited, the scale of parties gets smaller as years go by and you do start to have to scale back the number of people you invite.

After Christmas this will all be forgotten.

claricebeansmum · 03/12/2007 18:55

I disagree with mears car share theory - I car share with 3 other families and it is purely geography and convenience and not all would be expected to be invited to each others parties just because they car share!

Just because you bung kids in the back of the car together does not make them best mates!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 18:56

How can you not see why she'd be upset?

Aside from hearing from a clearly spiteful mother who told her that her Dd was the only one not invited to your DD's birthday, you dont even have the good grace to inform her why, despite your DD attending her DD's party the week before, her DD wont be coming to your DD's party.

Oh its all a crock of shit anyway. I've gone back to look at my "recap" post and think it says it all really.

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 18:57

It's car-sharing plus attending her party the week before. That would suggest they are friends and friendly enough to to invite one another to each other's parties.

marymay · 03/12/2007 18:58

i think its sad when a child has been branded a bully or nasty at 5 or 7.
give her a chance .

maggymay · 03/12/2007 18:58

Thing like this dont get forgotten especially by the child left out. The other two girls will eventually be best friends and your little girl will be excluded I am sure we will see you on here in a few weeks time moaning how your poor dd was left out of something and how upset she is..............

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 18:59

I just love the way that people think they can make a complete judgment on a person based on one situation. I find it quite offensive that people cannot give an opinion without getting so personal. I have been villified as a 'bully', 'vile person' and down right spiteful, not even mentioning the image portrayed of my DD. Not knowing our circumstances, you could not be more wrong. But every one is entitled to their opinion on the issue, but surely not to label me as some cruella deville taking joy in hurting this other child and teaching my child to totally disrespect others.

OP posts:
claricebeansmum · 03/12/2007 18:59

Ok -sorry I am now changiny my POV and big time apology for not having read whole thread THOROUGHLY...

the ONLY child not invited from a class?

That is plain cruel.

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/12/2007 19:06

You just don't get it do you Sarah? Have you not read what people have said to you - all the advice? As for not knowing the circumstances I think you gave us a good idea of what is going on with your DD and this other girl and you know what? What you have done is horrid. You have made yourself feel better by having a little chat with the Mum who opened up to you about others shunning her daughter and some bad phase of behavior she is going to the school to try and put right, and you come out of it feeling exonerated. Well good for you (not).

I only hope your DD is not treated in the same callas manner, which I can guarantee you she will with morals like that being taught to her.

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 19:07

Not the only child not invited. That is what the mother was told by another mother. only 8 girls out of class of 30 are invited

OP posts:
fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 03/12/2007 19:08

She's not the only child not invited..is she?

I thought you said you were only asking 8 children, unless there are only 8 kids in the class??

I think a mum has told this child's mother that her dd was the only one not invited, even though it wasn't true.

But that's neither here nor there... fact is, you are displaying bullying behaviour by leaving her out, even after her mum has told you she knows her dd is being left out by people

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 19:11

That was what I was referring to when I said "spiteful mother". Not very nice of whoever it was to tell this woman that her child was the only one not invited to your DDs party when less than a third of the class were invited in the first place.

Why would someone stir things up like that?

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 19:13

Probably because this excluding stuff is really about the mummies involved and the kids would get on with one another if only encouraged to do the right thing.

claricebeansmum · 03/12/2007 19:14

I shall swing off to another POV now - well that changes the complexion on it.

Something similiar happened to me so I found the mother - renowned for her bizarre behavior - and clamly explained that her DD was not the only child not invited, that only a limited number could attend, less than half the class had been invited etc

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