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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about being snubbed by mother because DD doesn't want to invite her to birthday party

158 replies

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:40

DD1 is 7 on Saturday, and has decided to have small party for eight friends. She doesn't want to invite one friend because she can be bossy and a bit of a bully. DD1 went to other child's party last week, but is adamant didn't want to invite her. Since then her mother has avoided me in school playground, and where she would normally offer to take DD to Spanish class tonight, she has said nothing. i take her DD to drama club on a Friday, so it's an arrangement which usually works well. Some one has said she is upset her DD is being left out, but should I have invited her regardless of DD's wishes?

OP posts:

TellusMater · 03/12/2007 17:03

Now, I don't get "begging" your 7 year old to invite someone...

S1ur · 03/12/2007 17:04

If she's a bully then probably not a friend then I got the impression she was bossy which is a bit far from invite the class bully so they can intimadate you and your friends!

If she is bullying your child then I think of course you shouldn't encourage an invite, and further perhaps you should mention it to the school to keep an eye on?

Beetroot · 03/12/2007 17:07

I think it is unwise to allow your daughter dictate like this - friendships change so often at that age and it is best to keep the peace

OrmIrian · 03/12/2007 17:08

Having been to a girls 8th party recently where all of a group of friends were invited and one brat of a child spent the entire time shouting at and bossing all the other around, I am fairly sure that children are reasonable arbitors of who is 'nice' or not. I mentioned this girl to the hostess' mum and she rolled her eyes and said something along the lines of 'Oh I know, XXXX didn't really want her to come but she's in the same drama group ...so it was a bit difficult'. No, it's not difficult! It really isn't.

TellusMater · 03/12/2007 17:09

Presumably if she were actually a bully, you wouldn't be happy for your dd to go with her to the spanish club.

belgo · 03/12/2007 17:09

and if she was a bully, your dd wouldn't have wanted to go to her birthday party.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 17:10

I agree that it isn't always feasable to return an invitation. However the OP implies that these girls socialise outside school with each mother giving lifts etc ie it suggests they have a friendship as do the mothers so I can understand why the other mother may feel snubbed.

maggymay · 03/12/2007 17:11

My 7year old ds has been the one left out I was gutted for him and his tears just made it worse then to top it off he decided to be brave and said "its ok mummy I just thought they where my friends" my little fella is brash and loud and can be a bit bossy but he loves everyone and would be friends with everyone. I can fully understand how the poor woman felt so yes uabu

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/12/2007 17:11

You have "begged" your DD to invite her?
Who is the parent here? She is seven, FFS - she is old enough to learn that if you don't want to invite someone to your party then you don't go to theirs. Teach her some social responsibility and some manners.

If I was the other child's mother I would be mildly miffed as well.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 17:12

I totally agree MrsS.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 03/12/2007 17:13

You ought to have invited her. You're the mum; it's up to you to explain to her why, to invite her back was the polite thing to do.

After all, DD liked her enough to go to hers didn't she

pooka · 03/12/2007 17:13

I would be miffed too, especially as your dd went to her party.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 03/12/2007 17:15

Don't beg you six year old to the the "right thing".. she is 6.. you tell her! Sorry but you're setting yourself up for trouble for years to come...!

pagwatch · 03/12/2007 17:16

I think it is ok not to invite a child from your DCs class if they are a bully. But i think if they are a bully then your child shouldn't go to their party and you also shouldn't have reciprocal arrangements with them.
If a child was bullying my DD I would mention it to the mother and would certainly not have any occasions when my DD was dependent upon them.
Sorry but i think YABU in that you let your DD go to hers and still expect the mutal help with the social activities

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/12/2007 17:16

I know you can't invite everyone, but a) she has been to this child's party and b) you have an arrangment with the mother re after school stuff.

We have had mannerless little fuckers who have tried to bully others at our DDs' parties - as the grown-up in charge, it's up to you to sort out any bullying or bad behaviour, and in my experience, a quiet word in the MLF's ear and a threat to call their mother usually works wonders.

I always make sure that the worst behaved child wins pass the parcel as well, which is always a nice, noisy musical instrument. The thought of tuneless tootling in the small hours brings a smile to my face post party.

fircone · 03/12/2007 17:17

If I were the other mother I would be fuming. I agree with previous posters that it's one thing to be left out of a party, but completely another when the hostess has been to your party the week before AND you've been ferrying her around to activities.

Do unto others and all that. Just think how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

jinglebells2shoessmells · 03/12/2007 17:22

if your dd dislikes this girl so much why did she go to her party and why do you do you make her spend time with her?
tbh i think you have blown it and the mum will probally not bother now. i know I wouldn't.

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/12/2007 17:25

She has been to her party but then says she is a bullY?
The mother also takes your DD to Spanish class.

You can't have it both ways - if your DD dosen't like the girl she should not have gone to HER party. I would be miffed.

nametaken · 03/12/2007 17:27

Oh God, now I'm paranoid that my kids have been invited to other kids parties under duress and obligation, not because they were wanted.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 03/12/2007 17:29

I think the mum may have a point about being a bit surprised/annoyed/hurt that her DD wasn't invited to your Dds party but I think blanking you is very childish. I feel your DD should invite who she wants to her party.

Camillathechicken · 03/12/2007 17:32

the fact there is a reciprocal arrangement complicates things, so you should have overriden DDs wishes. If she is good enough to do a rota with, then she is good enough to come to the party. i would be upset too if i was the other mum.

sometimes, children need to put up with things that might be a tad unpleasant because it is th e right thing to do.

i am sure all 7 year olds can be bolshy or bossy from time to time, not just this girl. sh e will feel horrible about being excluded i should think.

your DD cannot always dictate things and teaching her to put other people's feeling first when it is important is a good life lesson.

TellusMater · 03/12/2007 17:34

Well, no, I wouldn't blank you.

But obviously there has been talk in the playground about her child being a "bully", and so she may be feeling a little sensitive, especially i her dd is going through a bit of a brattish phase.

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 03/12/2007 17:34

Your dd should have invited her.

She was at her party last week.. what could have happened in the space of a week?

If I was the other mum I'd be really hurt, not just miffed

Especially if she does you favours taking the girls to club together etc..

I'd send an invite in with dd tomorrow.. but I bet the child won't come now anyway

Original poster

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 17:36

My DD plays with this child at school and other activities, but at the moment are not best of friends. Bully was definately wrong word to use, but she can be very pushy, while my DD is very placid. It is not a case of her mum ferrying my DD around, in fact I probably do more of the ferrying. As for other girls party, she had 12 kids invited so if that were the case of course I would invite her (I actually get on with her fine) but it's not my party. What I can't understand is why the mother is more bothered than her daughter. My DD is not invited to every party, and I don't find that a problem. Surely as Mums we remember how fickle friendships can be at that age. It is not meant as a snub to the mother, or her daughter.

OP posts:

TellusMater · 03/12/2007 17:38

People have been talking about her dd's behaviour. Now this. I can see why she might be upset.

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