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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about being snubbed by mother because DD doesn't want to invite her to birthday party

158 replies

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:40

DD1 is 7 on Saturday, and has decided to have small party for eight friends. She doesn't want to invite one friend because she can be bossy and a bit of a bully. DD1 went to other child's party last week, but is adamant didn't want to invite her. Since then her mother has avoided me in school playground, and where she would normally offer to take DD to Spanish class tonight, she has said nothing. i take her DD to drama club on a Friday, so it's an arrangement which usually works well. Some one has said she is upset her DD is being left out, but should I have invited her regardless of DD's wishes?

OP posts:
DarthVader · 03/12/2007 18:06

About why the mum is more upset than the kid...well parents often feel worse than the child if their child is left out, particularly if they had a bad experience like this themselves as a kid.

Also you haven't spoken to her about it, so this is potentially viewed as you rejecting her because you haven't made it clear that it isn't that.

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 03/12/2007 18:07

I'm slightly confused.. is the best friend 2 different people...?

Her best friend left spanish & drama as she was afraid of this child...

yet went to her party & begged your dd to go with her..................

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/12/2007 18:07

I agree with LeDodgy and Elizabetth.

You sound a little childish and petulant to me (sorry) - scary Mum, bully daughter, "should I invite others who might feel left out?". "What about DD's friends?" - as I said, you are the grown-up in charge. It's up to you to make sure that no-one feels left out or gets the opportunity to bully. And if there's only eight (or maybe nine?) children there, it's not going to be that difficult.

The only time I have not reciprocated an invitation was when the birthday child said loudly to my DD, so that everyone could hear "I didn't want to invite you, but my Mum said I had to." (And we haven't seen that particular little charmer since.)

We have a new year's day bash and I invite people who are not particular friends, but who have eg helped out with the children in the course of the year. So yes, you might think about inviting this child's parents.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 18:08

So - can we recap, because I'm getting confused.....

You take her DD to drama club on a Friday, and she offers to take your DD to spanish class but she's a "quite scary" woman?

Your DD's BF doesnt like this other child, and wouldnt like your DD to have this girl at her party - but this BF was quite happy to go along to this girls party herself last week? Despite being put off going to Spanish and Drama classes by her? AND she was the reason your DD went?

You are upset because this mother has "snubbed" you, and yet, you have snubbed her and her DD first? Are you really just upset that you've lost your lift for Spanish classes?

Seems to me that this "BF" is the demanding, bolshy, bullying one, quickly followed by your DD.

Ozymandius · 03/12/2007 18:09

In my experience plenty of little girls of this age like to practise their social skills by being deliberately mean and excluding and forming gangs to freeze other children out. They can't help it because they are very young and inexperienced and don't have a lot of empathy. It's their PARENTS' job to point out that this behaviour is unacceptable IMO.

bethelsie · 03/12/2007 18:18

i as a parent of a reception child have seen first hand the sheer devistation of not being invited to parties, we moved to a new area and all the other children came from the ajoining nursery apart from her, this term she has been invited 2 not one single party, as teachers dont give class lists out, my daughter cries that she hasnt been invited and all other children have. i am a full time working parent, so no opportunity to meet other parents. it really hurts to see your child like that so i can understand how the other parent feels, as we dont no anybody i can understand why my daughter isnt being invited, but you share outside interests together regarding your children. when your child is in that situation then youll probably know how it feels as a parent and then you maybe more socially aware.

LyraSilvertongue · 03/12/2007 18:18

I've been in the position of the other mother. DS1's friend decided on a whim that he didn't want DS1 at his party, even though he'd been to DS1's party a few weeks before, so his mum just didn't invite us and I was left feeling bad on D1's behalf, wondering why.
But the friend's mother did broach the subject with me, telling me what the situation was and that she'd tried to persuade her son to invite DS1 but he was adamant and she was really sorry. I felt so much better and she must have felt a lot less guilty too.
In the end, the other boy decided he did want DS1 at his party after all and luckily we were free that day so we went.
You definitely should have a word with the mother so she understands the situation (sorry I haven't read the whole thread so you might have done already).

elliephant · 03/12/2007 18:19

Read the replies. A million mumsnetters can't be wrong. Given the season thats in it I think you really have to invite the little girl - its awfullly bad manners not to particulary as the two parties so close together.Give a late invite and brazen it out - invite in bottom of bag etc. keep an eye on the little girl during the party if you worried about bullying.Its only a couple of hours of your life after all and far better than weeks of dark looks and mutterings in the playground. Think of it as a good life lesson in social nuances for your dd. And in the future if her company is so unpleasant reduce contact and keep your distance. How would you and your dd have felt if the roles were reversed?

HonoriaGlossop · 03/12/2007 18:20

I agree Ozy, good post.

I think children's parties should be made illegal

nametaken · 03/12/2007 18:21

bobbysmum let's not stoop to calling other posters 7 year old children names - it really is unpleasant.

Firefly, I think BF means best friend not boyfriend she's 7 after all.

Mrs S the "my mum wanted you to come not me" remark is exactly why I let my kids choose their own invitees.

I have to say that after reading through all these posts I have had a complete change of view and agree with the majority of posters that you should invite this girl.

TellusMater · 03/12/2007 18:23

No, the OP refers to a "boyfriend" as well as a BF.

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 03/12/2007 18:25

By sarahtwobratz on Mon 03-Dec-07 17:49:42

I think DD's 'boyfriend' is quite miffed he wasn't invited either, they play together at week-ends and holidays, should I invite him too?

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 03/12/2007 18:27

Normally I would say it's up to the child and if she doesn't want to invite then so be it, but because you and her mum do favours for each other I think she should have been invited. I don't agree with the argument that because your dd went to her party she should go to your dd's party but do think that if this girl is such a bully then your dd shouldn't have gone to her party at all, why is the girl good enough for your dd to go to her party but not the other way round?

BatteriesNotIncluded · 03/12/2007 18:29

To the OP, just to say that clearly this situation will not now be easy tgo resolve. I say this as my DN was only invited to a party in similar circs - DN did not attend but things between the parents involved are not the same.

You said earlier that the univited child simply reasoned that she would go to your DDs party next year. I couldnt help thinking how sweet that was in its simplicity and find it hard to see how a 'pushy' child would have 'written your DDs party off' in this way.

I cant help thinking that the 'pushier' child in all this sounds more like your DD's current BF. I say this because you have told us that your DD only went to this other girls party to accompany her BF. Now you say that if you invite this other girl, then the BF is unlikely to come to your DD's party. It may be that your DD is adamant not to invite the other girl because she is afraid to lose her BF's friendship? Not sure that this BF has a healthy influence over your DD. From what's been said, i'd rather risk the BF not coming; it sounds like these girls could be competing for your DD's friendship and I wouldnt want MY DD to used as a pawn in this way. Knowing 7 year old girls, there is a real danger that these girls may one day 'pair up' together and ostracise YOUR DD.

Maybe you can consider inviting the other girl AND her mother for 'tea'. It sounds as though you have cast aspersions about them without knowing either of them properly. Playdates and parties have become such a political business! I think the real issue lies between you and the mum, and is the starting point for resolution.

(sorry for the long post)

nametaken · 03/12/2007 18:29

I stand corrected

LyraSilvertongue · 03/12/2007 18:29

I don't think attacking the op is very helpful.
But you did ask and yes YABU. This many MNers can't be wrong.

Troutpout · 03/12/2007 18:30

yes yabu
I agree with Elliphant

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/12/2007 18:31

You did ask Sarah - why did you bother if you were not going to do anything about it?

I think it is clear to everyone here you have been unreasonable by not inviting a girl who extended the courtesy of an invite to your DD however much of a "bully" she is, your daughter accepted the invite. If you just wanted us to make you feel better about not teaching your child BASIC manners I'm afraid you got a more honest response than that - you need to think about what has been said here.

I do think from your posts you sound beyond reason though; your DD is seven; an age where they are totally looking to you to learn about social conduct yet you seem to think she is too old for you to override her invitation list. Bizarre.

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 18:34

Had a chat with childs mum at spanish few minutes ago. She was told by another mother that 'everyone' was invited but her child. Regarding her childs behaviour, she said she is aware of it, since other play dates have been cancelled recently and teacher has asked her to go into school to discuss her behaviour. She is now fine about her daughter not being invited, but I still don't see why she got so upset. I sometimes get upset for my daughter if she falls out with her friends, but I certainly don't take issue with their mothers. If that were the case, I would have a different best friend every week as my DD changes allegiances. Now I actually feel sorry for child and mother. Still won't invite her, even if that makes my child and I 'vile' and 'bullies'

OP posts:
TellusMater · 03/12/2007 18:36

Wonder if she'll change her allegiance back to this child before her party then. That would be awkward...

maggymay · 03/12/2007 18:38

such a shame your daughter could have learned a valuable lesson here, I just hope she isnt on the recieving end of her best friend and this child in a few weeks when the dynamics of the relationship changes as it always does as she will definatly learn a lesson there

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 18:40

Just wish I had boys.

OP posts:
maggymay · 03/12/2007 18:41

I can assure you that boys are no better after bringing up 7 of them I know they can be a spitefull as girls

nametaken · 03/12/2007 18:41

It's the same with boys, at least when their in primary school it is.

pooka · 03/12/2007 18:43

If I were the other mother, I too would be hurt on behalf of my daughter. And I would be hurt at you for putting my daughter in that situation by conspicuously (as a result of the parties being close together and there obviously being classroom chat about it) failing to get your daughter to do the polite and courteous thing in returning the invitation.

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