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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about being snubbed by mother because DD doesn't want to invite her to birthday party

158 replies

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:40

DD1 is 7 on Saturday, and has decided to have small party for eight friends. She doesn't want to invite one friend because she can be bossy and a bit of a bully. DD1 went to other child's party last week, but is adamant didn't want to invite her. Since then her mother has avoided me in school playground, and where she would normally offer to take DD to Spanish class tonight, she has said nothing. i take her DD to drama club on a Friday, so it's an arrangement which usually works well. Some one has said she is upset her DD is being left out, but should I have invited her regardless of DD's wishes?

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 17:42

Of course it's a snub and it's not a good idea to be teaching your daughter that it's OK to behave like this at such an early age.

Original poster

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 17:46

So I should invite who I want to DD's birthday party?? DH & I have a christmas party every year, should I ask for input from DD? Should I invite people I don't want to come,to set an example? To be honest, the girls mother is quite scary so maybe i should have invited her any way. At what age should DD write her own guest list for her own party?

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 17:47

oooh difficult one. No-one likes there child to be bullied.

I personally would have overridden my DD on this, on the basis that she was happy enough to go to this girls party, and the reciprocal arrangement wrt to out of school stuff.

I'm afraid, and I dont use the "B" word often, that what you and your DD have done by excluding this girl is tantamount to bullying.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 03/12/2007 17:48

It may not be meant as a snub but given that your DD went to her DD's party which wasn't THAT much bigger, it prob seems like a snub.

Original poster

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 17:49

I think DD's 'boyfriend' is quite miffed he wasn't invited either, they play together at week-ends and holidays, should I invite him too?

OP posts:

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 17:49

Tbh your dd doesn't sound all that placid when you say she was 'adamant' that this child will not come to her Birthday party. I can totally understand why this mother feels upset especially if your dd and her friends have been discussing the party infront of her which they must have done for her to say she didn't mind not coming. Of course she was going to say this to save face. You are the adult here and I don't think you'd be so understanding if the boot was on the other foot.

FFS if this girl is so bad and her mother is so scarey don't offer or take lifts to out of school activities or accept invitations to their party!

IN answer to your OP YABU!

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 17:49

FFS if this girl is so bad and her mother is so scarey don't offer or take lifts to out of school activities or accept invitations to their party!

IN answer to your OP YABU!

Camillathechicken · 03/12/2007 17:50

if you find the mother scary and the daughter a bully, you should cut ties and do a rota with someone else.

your DD needs to understand if she goes to someones party, she cannot expect that child to understand why she is not good enough to be invited back to hers.

of course DD can have who she wants, but there are times when a grown up perspective is necessary to make things easier in the long run.

by not inviting her, you have a tricky situation to deal with now.

FranSanDisco · 03/12/2007 17:51

YABU and I agree totally with Ledodgy's last post so that saved me the job of typing it

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 17:51

"So I should invite who I want to DD's birthday party??"

No, and no-one is saying you should do this, just that there appears to be an obligation to invite this little particular little girl.

"DH & I have a christmas party every year, should I ask for input from DD? Should I invite people I don't want to come,to set an example?"

If you've accepted their hospitality and spend time with them throughout the year, perhaps you should think about it.

"To be honest, the girls mother is quite scary so maybe i should have invited her any way. At what age should DD write her own guest list for her own party?"

She's doing it now isn't she? You're just making one addition, not overriding everything she wants.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 17:53

i think when a child is old enough to decide who they invite, they are probably too old for that type of party

Original poster

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 17:55

What about DDs friends who also have same attitude to the girl? I know that her BF will feel uncomfortable going if she is invited. She stopped drama & spanish because of this girl. I guess its definately one where its best to agree to differ.

OP posts:

jinglebells2shoessmells · 03/12/2007 17:56

so why did your dd go to her party?

maggymay · 03/12/2007 17:57

not being invited to every party is part and parcel of life kids deal with that but when invited and attend another childs party then leave them out is just bad manners and extremly hurtfull.

Camillathechicken · 03/12/2007 17:57

is this girl really a nasty piece of work or is she just being scapegoated.. if she is just hte poor kid never invited anywhere, then being invited will do her the world of good. at the age of 7, they are old enough to be primed to be welcoming to someone else.

or you accept this particualr friendship has run its course and you need to do a rota with someone else

Original poster

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 17:57

because her BF wanted to go and wouldnt go without her

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 17:57

What about it?

I still think YABU

Which is what you asked.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/12/2007 17:58

Is this the BF who would feel uncomfortable about this girl coming to your DD's party?

Ozymandius · 03/12/2007 17:59

Hmm...the child has gone from a friend that your daughter plays with to a frightening bully, and her mother from a woman you trust to look after your child, to a terrifying creature you dare not speak to.
Yet oddly, the child was not such a frightening bully that your child didn't want to go to her party, nor the mother so frightening that you weren't happy to let her take your daughter to clubs. You are just making excuses. And a girl of six who won't respond to 'begging' from her own mother, and is 'adamant' that she wants to exclude another little girl, sounds like she's being allowed to act like a bully and tyrant herself.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 03/12/2007 17:59

This is the problem I have. Your DD was happy enough to go to her party. If her party was for the whole class then I would poss agree with you. But it wasn't.

I am not saying you over-rule your DD about her party or any other party. I am saying you should have pointed out that the other girl might have been hurt to be excluded.

Oblomov · 03/12/2007 18:00

Your dd is 'adamant'.
But this didn't occur to her, aweek ago, when she was more than happy to attend the bossy girls party ?
Yeah, she sounds like right wallflower.

Oblomov · 03/12/2007 18:01

Your dd, has decided that she doesn't like this girl, what, IN THE LAST WEEK ?

bobbysmum07 · 03/12/2007 18:02

You sound absoutely vile. As does your kid, to be honest.

Talk about setting a bad example ...

fireflyxmasfairylights2 · 03/12/2007 18:03

Her boyfriend.. well, depends. Was she at his party? If so, then yes she should invite him!

You say you & the child's mum have an arrangement that works well: Why would you have an arrangement with a scary woman

Sounds to me like your dd has had a falling out with this little girl after her party..

I guess it's up tp you whether you want to set an example to your child or not, but if it were me I would definitely invite her to the party.. esp as she was at hers last week!!

Dd's friend had a party in the summer, dd was invited but we had something else on that day so she missed it.. dd then said last week "I'm not asking XXX as I didn't go to her party" I corrected her & told her she was going to invite XXX as she had been invited to her party.. she just hadn't went to it!

jinglebells2shoessmells · 03/12/2007 18:03

YAB VERY U

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