Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about being snubbed by mother because DD doesn't want to invite her to birthday party

158 replies

sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:40

DD1 is 7 on Saturday, and has decided to have small party for eight friends. She doesn't want to invite one friend because she can be bossy and a bit of a bully. DD1 went to other child's party last week, but is adamant didn't want to invite her. Since then her mother has avoided me in school playground, and where she would normally offer to take DD to Spanish class tonight, she has said nothing. i take her DD to drama club on a Friday, so it's an arrangement which usually works well. Some one has said she is upset her DD is being left out, but should I have invited her regardless of DD's wishes?

OP posts:
LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 16:42

This is a hard one I think I would have probabyly invited her or if not I wouldn't have sent dd to the other girl's party.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 03/12/2007 16:42

In fact if you let her mother take your dd to a spanish class then I would definately invited her. No wonder the mum thinks it is strange!

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:44

Didn't know when DD went to her party that she didn't want her to come. Other kids in their class have told their mums that she is being very bossy and bolshy with other friends, so I know it's not just my DD being overly sensitive.

OP posts:
artichokes · 03/12/2007 16:44

you should have invited her. you and her mum help each other out. the girls obviously spend time together and your dd went to her party. she would have expected an invite and will feel excluded. if i were the other mum i would be pretty pissed off that you did not overrule childish whims. if you really felt dd had a point i would at least have expected you to explain the situation to me face to face.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/12/2007 16:46

You should have invited her if you are are good enough terms that you take each others children to clubs. If I took another mums child weekly, I would be most hurt that my DD was excluded from the party.

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 16:46

Yup you should have invited her, if your daughter went to her party then its only fair that this little girl gets invited back. As it's Monday, it's not too late to invite her.

S1ur · 03/12/2007 16:46

mmm, have you tried talking to your dd about how this other girl must be feeling about being left out? I don't mean lay it on thick so she changes her mind, but maybe talk about a way your dd could compromise to cheer her friend up, like invite her round for tea sometime?

You could always chat to the other parent too if you were feeling all grown-up Ah now I don't mean you're being childish at all, I just mean,is she the kind of women you could be open and honest and grown-up with or would it all, hidden meanings and snide, snippy comments?

jinglebells2shoessmells · 03/12/2007 16:46

wow interesting to see it from the other side. all the heartbreaking threads where children are sad at being left out. now this one.

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:48

Will have a word with mum after spanish, but do feel that it should be up to DD who comes to her party. If she does come, one or two others might not. Are 7 year old boys as complicated?

OP posts:
ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 03/12/2007 16:49

Agree that the girl should have been invited. If your DD didn't want to invite her you should have pointed out that DD went to girl's party so she should invite the girl to her party.

I think you need to talk to your DD and invite the girl. And to spare everyone's feelings I would make a excuse about finding the invite somewhere while tidying up and realising it hadn't been sent.

imaginaryfriend · 03/12/2007 16:50

I would be really upset if I was this dd's mum. If I was you I'd have talked my dd round into letting this girl come. Obviously none of the kids at school thought she was too 'bolshy' to not go to her party.

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:50

Have thought about asking her to tea on thursday instead, just can't stand the thought of her room being trashed just before her party!

OP posts:
LoveAngelGabriel · 03/12/2007 16:51

I think I would have been hurt if I was the other mum, to be honest.

S1ur · 03/12/2007 16:51

Absolutely 2shoes! At 7 I think it's still an age where they're learning what's kind and what's mean. Good chance to teach your daughter to be generous even when she doesn't feel like it maybe? If this girl is supposed to be your dds friend she'd be ever so upset at being excluded, why not work on some strategies with your dd to combat bossiness other than avoidance? like things she could say to her friend, or ways of diffusing bullying situations?

Original poster
sarahtwobratz · 03/12/2007 16:52

By the way, have begged DD to invite her, but she's adamant. Apparently her friend said today that she didn't mind because she could come next year

OP posts:
imaginaryfriend · 03/12/2007 16:52

I'd invite her if I were you. Tea isn't the same, it seems like a cop-out.

SantasLittleToiletFlusher · 03/12/2007 16:52

I'm not surprised she's miffed, I imagine she was expecting an invite since you do things for each other in the week and your DD's see each other out of school re clubs. I think I would have tried to encourage DD to invite her.....its not too late. If you invite her it would be a good chance to see for yourself what she's like and offer your DD advice on how to handle her if she is overbearing/bossy.....on the other hand you might find her to be great!

OrmIrian · 03/12/2007 16:55

Oh, I don't know that you should make your DD invite any child that she doesn't want. It's her party, not a social occasion for the mothers. And if you are only inviting 8, it is a bit hard to have to exclude a child that she does want there in favour of one she doesn't. If they were in reception I think it would be Ok to do that... they don't tend to have such firm friendships then, but by Year 2 or 3 they do. Does it also mean that every child that invites her has to be invited back? That way madness lies - parties of 20 or so kids all the way through school. It's very sad if the child is upset about not being invited, but if it's just the mother she needs to get a grip and grow up! And it's not the same as someo of the other stories on MN - when one child doesn't get invited to a party with 8 guests is nothing like the same when one child doesn't get invited to a party where all the rest of the class are guests, or all the other girls or boys.

S1ur · 03/12/2007 16:55

I'm feeling a bit sorry for this friend, course she probably said didn't mind, she may have even said
"its fine I don't even want to come anyway so there!"

I do think a talk about how to deal with friends who are pissing you off is always a good conversation to have. again and again and again... Avoidance only works so far and rarely in schools, it comes dangerously close to bullying by snubbing. Not saying that's what your dd is doing though, don't know what she does at school

Elizabetth · 03/12/2007 16:58

I'd have thought every child whose party a child attends gets invited back to their parties, it's called social obligation and it's never too early to learn it. Better than learning how to exclude people.

nametaken · 03/12/2007 16:58

I'm obviously the odd one out here because I actually think that children should invite who they want to invite to their party. I've always let my kids do this and sometimes I've had kids at my house whose parents I can't stand but respect my kids decision.

I don't agree with this point scoring, you went to my party so I must come to yours. I've invited plenty of kids to my kids parties and my kids havn't been invited to theirs but frankly I couldn't care less as my dcs go to plenty of parties anyway.

DarthVader · 03/12/2007 17:00

I think kids should decide who is invited and not parents.
I don't think reciprocal invites are necessary and wouldn't be unhappy if my dd was not invited back.

The reciprocal travel arrangement is a complication, and I think in the circumstances it would be politic to speak to the child's mother about the party, just to explain your logic - you could apologise, and say that you let your dd dictate the guest list and the two of them are not getting on too well at the moment.

S1ur · 03/12/2007 17:01

So Sarah, is this girl your dd's friend or not?

It makes a difference. If she's a classmate who invites lots to her party then there shouldn't be an obligation to return party invites, but if she supposed to be a friend and your dd's concerns about the bossiness is the reason to not invite her friend I'd say deal with the bossiness but not be punishing the girl by exclusion.

BTW I don't think this should be anything to do with the mothers feelings really, talk to the woman to explain, if you do swaps you should probably stay on good terms

DarthVader · 03/12/2007 17:02

Inviting a child who you think will bully you to your party would be asking too much imo.

OrmIrian · 03/12/2007 17:02

Well exactly nametaken. It isn't feasible to invite every child back for ever and ever amen. At some time you have to cut back. My eldest is now in yr 6 and the activities he likes are way too expensive to invite more than 2 or 3 guests. And even my DD in Yr3 only invited 5 guests last year because we were going for a picnic up on the hills and we couldn't transport more than that.

You can't make a child like someone because it will make life embarrassing for you if they don't.