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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my niece’s mum to my wedding?

164 replies

ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 20:43

NC for this. I’m getting married later this year. My brother had a baby earlier this year, but he isn’t with the baby’s mum. He wants the baby, my niece, to be at the wedding, as do I. I’ve met the baby’s mum a few times and we get along well. She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby, but I’m second guessing myself and wondering whether I should invite her to the wedding ceremony or to the meal, so that my niece can be a part of the day. AIBU to only invite her to bring the baby after the meal?

OP posts:
TornadoTrinity · 07/09/2021 09:10

If she comes up, she is doing your family a huge favour tbh. Absolutely do everything you can to make her comfortable. I hope she says no. Your brother can show off his baby at a place her mother doesn't have to travel to.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/09/2021 09:18

Tbh I'd be telling your brother to take a hike. He needs to give his head a wobble and put his child's needs first.

You can't not invite the mum of a breastfed baby.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 07/09/2021 09:27

Firstly ide speak to the venue about what they could do e.g. a room for mom and baby all day, room service, adding her to the meal. Once you've found out what you can do then contact nieces dm directly excluding your brother and just explain that you've spoken to the venue and you can offer x, y and z but make it clear if she does not feel comfortable she can decline.
Then she has a few options to choose from. Make your brother pay for anything to accommodate her too he sounds like he needs a hard slap of reality

BingBongToTheMoon · 07/09/2021 09:28

@thenewduchessofhastings

This is with meant with no offence to you OP but it sounds like your DB wants to do the whole Disney dad routine at the wedding by having your niece passed around like pass the parcel whilst relatives fawn over her and tell your DB "what a great job he's done".

She's only 3 months old,she'll be asleep a lot of the time and it won't be much fun for her mum to be sat around like a spare part watching her DD being passed around a group of strangers and then having the baby handing back over to change/feed like she's the hired help.

I know you want her there but is it honestly really necessary?

Yeah I fully agree. The poor mum. This all sounds/ seems incredibly cruel. Sorry.
FrenchBoule · 07/09/2021 09:33

What @ZoyaTheDestroyer said.
Baby and mum are a package. How the heck anybody would think otherwise?

CatOfTheLand · 07/09/2021 09:33

You'll get no shows on the day (sorry) so there would be space for her if you wanted to extend a day time invite. But to be honest, sitting through a wedding with a three month old baby won't be fun for the mum.

I'd just offer an open invite and tell her to let you know if she wants food. If you can't order an extra plate then I'd ask my brother to give her his and/or discreetly order a takeaway meal for her.

The lull between ceremony and eating would be a good time- when you're getting your photos done - or just after the meal. It depends if you want her in the photos. Also think about how the baby's mum will feel if she's asked to not be in photos but her baby is. Letting her bring a plus one so that she doesn't feel like a spare part would be kind.

Make sure the mum has somewhere to put her stuff, a chair and plenty of water / soft drinks. I'd task a friend or relative to make sure this is taken care of if you didn't think your brother would go it. It shouldn't be your job on your wedding day but make sure your family have thought about this.

The mum will likely be feeling overwhelmed so make sure no over enthusiastic relatives walk off or hog the baby. I'd have a chat with your brother and ask him to find out the baby's mum's boundaries - is she comfortable with you all holding her? Does she want masks? What about hand sanitizer?

The more I think about it, the less of a good idea it seems to bring a nearly newborn to meet a large group of strangers at a wedding. So I'd check the mum actually wants this and isn't being strong-armed into it.

kirinm · 07/09/2021 09:36

No way. A 3 month old baby is a. really hard work and b. is unlikely to be okay with her father particularly if she is being breastfed.

Either invite her to the wedding or be prepared for her to say no to the evening invite. I would be too knackered to turn up to an evening do tbh.

kirinm · 07/09/2021 09:38

[quote ncforthis21]@CanofCant they weren’t in a serious relationship. She hasn’t met any of the family except myself and my parents. My brother is eager for the rest of the family to meet the baby. She has said she’s happy to bring the baby for a little while, but it’s an hour’s drive round trip for her so doesn’t want to come too late.[/quote]
Frankly, she is being more than reasonable in suggesting this. If she's a single parent, she will barely be getting any sleep.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2021 09:38

I hope you’re going to read these responses and realise that you need to bypass your brother and speak to your niece’s mum directly. He is acting like an idiot and I feel very sorry for this woman being told what to do. I hope she has enough of a backbone to stand up to your brother.

As has been pointed out, after the meal is absolutely the wrong time for her to come. The baby is tiny and will need calm, not massive sensory overload that wedding evening events bring.

Someone mentioned that she should be invited to sit with your brother at your wedding. I think this is the only approach if your brother wants his dd to be part of his family. I appreciate that there will be cost implications but baulking at a £50 or so investment in the future over the next 18 years is churlish.

KhoshkaKatya · 07/09/2021 09:41

A short special guest appearance by both mother and baby would be in order I think. As long as they don’t have to travel far.

kirinm · 07/09/2021 09:50

@KhoshkaKatya

A short special guest appearance by both mother and baby would be in order I think. As long as they don’t have to travel far.
Fuck that. They don't want the mother, they want the baby. A load of people who've been drinking all day trying to hold a 3-month old baby whilst barely acknowledging the mother.

No thanks.

SallyMcNally · 07/09/2021 10:13

Is everyone staying overnight? Maybe your brother could ask his ex to bring the baby for brunch/lunch the next day to meet the relatives. (His treat!) much more suitable than the evening part of the wedding!

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/09/2021 10:16

If that was given as the explanation as to why I was only invited to the evening I'd tell you to jog on.

I think your niece will be a much more pleasant guest during the day, she will be tired and cranky coming out for just the evening.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2021 11:05

A 3 month old is not going to get anything from this wedding and it will be a massive pain for her mum. In a relatively short period of time the child will be able to have longer periods with her dad and will be able to be brought to all sorts of family occasions. I would leave it for now as she is not a doll to be shown off.

SeasonFinale · 07/09/2021 11:23

Get your brother to organise his own event to show off his baby of that is what he wants to do.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 07/09/2021 12:58

@SallyMcNally

Is everyone staying overnight? Maybe your brother could ask his ex to bring the baby for brunch/lunch the next day to meet the relatives. (His treat!) much more suitable than the evening part of the wedding!
The perfect solution!
Frankola · 07/09/2021 13:32

3 months old breastfeeding baby?
Of course mum needs to be there.

I'd also suggest they come in the day too, rather than the evening but you should be asking mum what she's most comfortable with

notgotthehelp · 07/09/2021 14:50

When is the wedding? She might have made plans if it's soon!

honeybeetheoneandonly · 07/09/2021 16:40

Having my 3 month old passed around a large number of unmasked, potentially drunk strangers would be a big nope from me. Let alone getting baby and me ready for a wedding I'm not even wanted at, at a time that only suits the bride&groom.
I hope mum can stand up for herself and I hope you'll be understanding if she does. However, for a good relationship, I would urge you to speak to her and tell her that you got carried away with the idea of getting everyone to meet your niece at your wedding and now that you have come to your senses (hopefully) and see it from her point of view you have realised you were being unreasonable. While you would love to have niece there you totally understand if it won't work for her.

Silvetmoon · 08/09/2021 07:43

“apparently he told the baby’s mum he wanted the baby there way before the baby was even born but I was only told of this recently, hence why she has been invited after the meal.”

Bit of a red flag this. Your brother needs a head wobble, as someone else has already pointed out.
This woman will not forget the treatment she gets from your brother and his family during this postpartum time, I would tread carefully to the point of saying how you’ll understand if she doesn’t wish to come at all - and can even decide on the day!

honeybeetheoneandonly · 09/09/2021 14:17

Is this a reverse and you are actually the newborn's mum?

CallMeRisley · 09/09/2021 20:16

Would love to hear back from the OP on this one!

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2021 20:27

You don't really want them there at all, do you?

Original poster
ncforthis21 · 09/09/2021 20:51

@honeybeetheoneandonly you’re right. I know it’s a cardinal MN sin but I really needed to hear it objectively. It sounded even more ridiculous when I typed it out from the other side.

The update is that I’ve spoken to the sister, she has very kindly invited us to the entire day or whichever part of it I feel most comfortable attending. She is lovely. I think what’s happened is baby’s dad has told his sister and family that I would be bringing baby in the evening, so they have thought that that’s what I wanted to do. But that’s not the case as I was never asked by baby’s dad to do that, he’s just assumed I would do it and that’s what he wanted. I’ve decided to attend the ceremony and stay for 30-45 mins after so that baby can meet the rest of his family, then I’ll be taking her home. Baby’s dad wasn’t happy, resulted in a massive argument but stuck to my guns. I was v tempted to tell him to stick the wedding, but he’ll forever throw it in my face if I do that so I’d rather keep the peace and show face.

Sorry about the reverse. Blush

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2021 21:12

That sounds lovely, well played