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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my niece’s mum to my wedding?

164 replies

ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 20:43

NC for this. I’m getting married later this year. My brother had a baby earlier this year, but he isn’t with the baby’s mum. He wants the baby, my niece, to be at the wedding, as do I. I’ve met the baby’s mum a few times and we get along well. She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby, but I’m second guessing myself and wondering whether I should invite her to the wedding ceremony or to the meal, so that my niece can be a part of the day. AIBU to only invite her to bring the baby after the meal?

OP posts:

Hattie765 · 06/09/2021 23:10

Why on earth are you putting everyone through this and dragging along a 3 month old to your wedding? She's too young and it won't matter if she's not there. I can understand if both parents are family members you're close to but you don't even know the mother.

To be honest you won't fully understand the massive favour she's doing you until you have your own kids. She's a saint, I'd have told you to do one. If you insist on your neice going, ask her mother what would be easier for her then do that.

Mumdiva99 · 06/09/2021 23:21

I took my youngest to a wedding at about 3 months. But.....it was my 3rd child. He was an easy baby. There was no way I would have been able to do the same with baby 1 who was much more challenging. Add in a drive of an hour each way and it would have been horrific.

Let the family meet the baby elsewhere. (Also it's your wedding....you should be the centre of attention....if your brother wants to show off his baby he can arrange his own do....)

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 06/09/2021 23:26

It sounds really traumatic for the mum (at least I would have been traumatised).

Can you have a small family gathering a week or so before the weekend to all meet the baby? Then, if everyone is comfortable with each other invite her along to the wedding for the photos.

Soopermum1 · 06/09/2021 23:30

A wedding is not a great environment for a baby, it'll be noisy and full of pissed strangers. It's not in her best interests. If your family wants to meet the baby they can travel to see her another time, or host a lunch or something with a much smaller group of people. Your brother just wants to show he off for his benefit. The baby doesn't get anything out of this whatsoever. If I were the mother I'd decline and offer to arrange something closer to home, during the day with close family.

doodleygirl · 06/09/2021 23:35

OP, give your blood head a wobble. Are you really expecting a new mum of a three month old baby do a 2 hour round trip in order for your brother to “show off”.

If you want her and the baby to attend give her a proper invitation and make sure your gormless brother does the driving.

MrsBobDylan · 06/09/2021 23:42

Honestly a baby that young will get nothing from the day, other than tired and stressed (ditto baby's Mum).

Many Mums shudder at the thought of people holding their babies. She will also have to do a two hour round trip and find something to wear which accommodates bf and doesn't show baby sick.

Your brother would be much wiser to organise a photo of baby so he can show her to relatives that way.

thefourgp · 06/09/2021 23:43

I can’t believe you or your brother are even expecting her and/or the baby to go to the wedding at all. Can you not see how completely unreasonable you are both being?

She’s bound to feel so awkward sitting with strangers while her baby is passed around like a new toy. Close family members can meet the baby another time. A wedding is not the right place. I totally agree with the poster who said;

“I wouldn't be driving an hour each way in the evening once everyone has eaten so the baby Dad can show off the baby whilst i stand awkwardly by and explain "no I'm not his gf, we just had sex" and then be sent home when everyone is done and Dad want's to have a drink“

sunflowerdaisies · 06/09/2021 23:48

I think you're getting a really hard time here - you asked the question to be thoughtful! I went a to a few weddings when my babies were tiny but they were good friends/family of mine so I wanted to go.

I like the idea of inviting her and a friend and during the day. The bit between the ceremony and meal seems the best time for people to meet the baby so asking her and a friend to come for the meal too would be very hospitable and hopefully set a good tone for your future relationship with your niece's mum and therefore your niece.

drpet49 · 06/09/2021 23:50

** Why on earth are you putting everyone through this and dragging along a 3 month old to your wedding? She's too young and it won't matter if she's not there. I can understand if both parents are family members you're close to but you don't even know the mother.

To be honest you won't fully understand the massive favour she's doing you until you have your own kids. She's a saint, I'd have told you to do one.**

^This. You brother is clueless

RightYesButNo · 07/09/2021 00:24

@ncforthis21

Most of my family live several hours away, so the wedding seemed like a good opportunity for everyone to meet the baby since everyone will be here for the wedding. I’m a bit annoyed with my brother for not talking to me about it much earlier as apparently he told the baby’s mum he wanted the baby there way before the baby was even born, but I was only told of this recently, hence why she has been invited after the meal.

Right yes, I’d be more than a “bit annoyed.” Tell him he’s been a complete bloody idiot, it’s now only a month before the wedding, and there’s no way for you to get this completely “right,” as far as being polite goes. Whether they had a relationship or not, she will always be the mother of your niece, so your family need to get used to including her for the next few years if you want to see the baby (she may be fine with your brother “visiting,” but that doesn’t mean she wants to be separated from her child and you don’t know how long she’ll breastfeed, etc). So if you want her there at all, you need to properly invite her and then let her decide whether to come at all.

And tell your feckless brother that no, it’s not on that he tried to give an evening-only invite with no +1 to a 3-month old breastfed baby, on behalf of the bride

Summerfun54321 · 07/09/2021 00:39

I’ve taken young babies to weddings a few times. By the evening, the music gets too loud and I’ve had to leave. It’s a day invite or nothing IMO.

Goneblank38 · 07/09/2021 00:54

Your brother needs to grow up and think about what's best for his daughter and her mum. I can't believe she's not even going to get dinner! How humiliating for mum who has to do a two hour round trip with an overtired cluster feeding newborn. Jesus. Treat the woman with some respect.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2021 02:12

So, your brother wants to use your wedding to parade his 3-months-old baby (but not the baby's mother because they're not in a relationship) to the maximum number of his relatives with as little effort on his part as possible.

Everyone else has already pointed out how disrespectful to the baby's mother this is, and how impractical for a breast-fed baby, and the sheer impracticality of the baby's mother undertaking this trip entirely for your brother's benefit; so I'll just mention again that he's using YOUR wedding for his own ends.

He's either an idiot, or a piece of work.

MangoSeason · 07/09/2021 02:20

I had never held a baby in my life when I got married, and even I knew to invite babes in arms to our otherwise child free wedding. You can’t not invite the mum. If you don’t, she will most likely to refuse to allow the baby to go, and would be quite right to do so.

Silvetmoon · 07/09/2021 02:24

Feeling so sorry for the new mum in all of this.

Goneblank38 · 07/09/2021 04:17

Same. This poor woman.

Driftingblue · 07/09/2021 05:16

I can’t believe this mother is actually considering going along with this plan.

If your brother wants his baby at this wedding, he should be helping with transportation, the meet and greet should be at a time of day the baby is likely to be in a good mood, not late in the evening, and the mother should at least get a comfortable chair and a meal out of the arrangement.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/09/2021 05:23

I’ve met the baby’s mum a few times and we get along well. She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby

In her shoes I'd be thinking 'no chance'.

I wouldn't even entertain such an "invite". I hope she relaxes at home or has a nice day out with baby.

Tealwarrior · 07/09/2021 05:26

@ActonSquirrel

My brother is eager for the rest of the family to meet the baby.

Then why is your wedding in the evening the only way this can happen?!

Can the mother not be invited to your parents home for her own sake. For everyone to meet the baby and the mum?

Why a drop off at an evening wedding and not wanting mum around?

Spot on.

mellongoose · 07/09/2021 05:35

It doesn't sound like she is being made to feel welcome here, I'm afraid.

Whether or not she and your brother have a relationship, she is the mother of your niece. If it were my niece, I'd be trying my best to make friends with her.

I feel sad that you expect her to drive an hour each way in the evening with a 3mo baby. I'm not sure I could have done that for my own lovely family let alone a bunch of people I don't know. At least feed her!!!

Tealwarrior · 07/09/2021 05:38

Op, the mother of your niece deserves a very special place at your wedding if your brother is insisting his daughter has to be there. In fact your brother should be at the wedding with his ex on the day. No sitting apart, nothing. And no one should worry about people being confused as to why she’s there because it’s very easy to let people no beforehand - brother is coming with niece and her mum, and no they’re not together but this is an occasion for everyone to meet them.

Your brother needs to be told some few home truths and for it to be claimed that adding one person to the wedding party a month before the wedding is a very poor excuse for not bending over backwards to accommodate her being there.

My lot would be ashamed to have a brother like this and I’d certainly tell my son what I thought of him if he behaved like this.

I hope the young woman raises a middle finger to it all and delivers it with a big get stuffed.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 07/09/2021 05:57

Possibly the most unreasonable thing I have ever read on Mumsnet. Your brother should start showing the woman that he had a child with some respect. He should also start looking after his baby. Drunken evening do is no place for a baby.

CallMeRisley · 07/09/2021 06:00

OP, if you want your niece to be part of your life moving forwards then you need to build a relationship with her mother, separate from her relationship with your brother. You don’t have to be best friends. But if you treat her with respect and consideration in this situation it is going to go a long way to cementing a good relationship between you two, as opposed to her feeling like an after-thought or an inconvenience.

You will appreciate that attending a wedding, you want to look and feel your best- nice clothes, hair and make up done etc, especially when meeting new people. At 3m post partum the mother may not have suitable clothes that fit, or even if they do fit they’re not suitable for feeding. No time to get a hair appointment or do make up, having to wear a nursing bra and breast pads, worrying about boobs leaking, worrying about baby doing a massive poo and needing an outfit change. Worrying about baby crying during the wedding, the first impression people will get.

You need to speak directly to the mother (don’t go through your brother). Explain that you’d love to have your niece at your wedding and that you’d like to support her to feel comfortable in making this happen. Would she like to be a wedding day guest? Would she like to bring a friend/her mum/someone for support? Would she like a room to stay over in the hotel/venue? Would she like to come, not be a guest but instead come in casual clothing and you arrange for the venue to have somewhere for her (a hotel room, a lounge bar) where she can sit and chill, and you brother can come and get the baby and take her around the wedding guests, the mother can bring a book or a podcast and you can arrange for the venue to give her a meal, drinks, snacks, and when the baby needs a feed or gets fractious or needs cuddles with mum then your brother can bring her to her. She could stay as long as she feels comfortable but there’s no pressure for her to have to meet anyone or dress up or be formal, but she’s on hand and comfortable.
Do consider that if it’s too much arranging for you and the venue or if the mother doesn’t feel comfortable, then you may have to say to your brother sorry, no, it’s not practical to have the baby at the wedding. After all, it’s your wedding, not a baby-meeting event. If family want to meet then baby they can drive and visit your brother on one of the three times a week he has her.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/09/2021 06:03

If the mother was posting about the invite, I think there'd be a lot of replies along the lines of "No" is a complete sentence.

You are beign rude and unreasonable to invite tell the woman to drive in the evening for two+ hours, arriving after everyone else has eaten for the baby to "meet" everyone at a time when she'd usually be asleep.
Book an entertainer FFS.
She is a baby, not a toy, the mother is a human being as well.

arcof · 07/09/2021 06:06

Invite them to the ceremony and reception. And explain they are under no obligation to come. To invite a 3 month old to the night do is insane

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