Page 5 | To not invite my niece’s mum to my wedding?

ncforthis21 · 2021-09-06T19:43:27+00:00

NC for this. I’m getting married later this year. My brother had a baby earlier this year, but he isn’t with the baby’s mum. He wants the baby, my niece, to be at the wedding, as do I. I’ve met the baby’s mum a few times and we get along well. She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby, but I’m second guessing myself and wondering whether I should invite her to the wedding ceremony or to the meal, so that my niece can be a part of the day. AIBU to only invite her to bring the baby after the meal?

somuchcoffeeneeded · 07/09/2021 06:08

I have a breastfed 7 month old and just dodged an evening reception because I didn’t want baby passed around lots of unmasked people and baby would be very cranky in the evening. It’s also hugely unreasonable to separate baby from mum so your brother can parade the baby around like something from the lion king. Your brother should arrange another event for baby to meet family. But you should extend kindness to baby’s mum if you want a good relationship with your niece

Crikeycroc · 07/09/2021 06:08

This would be extremely stressful for both the baby and her mum. Baby would become so overstimulated by being passed around, bright lights, loud noises, new smells etc. The poor mum would be setting herself up for a very unsettled night.
Your brother probably doesn’t understand this given he doesn’t live with the baby.
If your relatives are travelling to attend the wedding presumably they are staying nearby for at least one night? It would make more sense for your brother to organise something for another time.

somuchcoffeeneeded · 07/09/2021 06:10

Also your brother sounds like a selfish idiot and needs to give his head a wobble!

Sciurus83 · 07/09/2021 06:20

Hah! Obviously YABU and the only way this baby can be at your wedding is if you invite her mother. Your brother is a doult, if you do invite her try and use her name on the invite not "niece incubator" or "vessel milk fountain". Your brother has made this woman part of your family with what can only be assumed to be some dubious contraception choices, it would be nice to show her she is a welcome and valued person who is going to be around for many years to come. I imagine having a 3 month old baby not in a relationship is pretty tough going and she would appreciate knowing she had a support network from her daughter's extended family. Your brother is an idiot, he should pay for her meal if he wants the baby there, in the day, at an appropriate time.

tempester28 · 07/09/2021 06:23

She won’t want to go to an evening party with a 3 month old baby and would be unfair to expect her to. Maybe you have to accept that this isn’t the time for the baby to meet the family.

Seeingadistance · 07/09/2021 06:34

@SleepingStandingUp

I wouldn't be driving an hour each way in the evening once everyone has eaten so the baby Dad can show off the baby whilst i stand awkwardly by and explain "no I'm not his gf, we just had sex" and then be sent home when everyone is done and Dad want's to have a drink

This.

biggerthehoops · 07/09/2021 07:04

It's only half an hour away? The baby will be 3 months old? I appreciate people are different but I was back to work at 3.5 months... surely brother can just take the baby for a couple of hours then take it home? I'd have welcomed a baby free couple of hours any time post 2/3 weeks!

Welcoming mum is the right thing to do but I'd be surprised if she wanted to come and didn't just give the baby over for a couple of hours

biggerthehoops · 07/09/2021 07:05

But yeah, day time rather than evening.

RampantIvy · 07/09/2021 07:16

@biggerthehoops

It's only half an hour away? The baby will be 3 months old? I appreciate people are different but I was back to work at 3.5 months... surely brother can just take the baby for a couple of hours then take it home? I'd have welcomed a baby free couple of hours any time post 2/3 weeks!

Welcoming mum is the right thing to do but I'd be surprised if she wanted to come and didn't just give the baby over for a couple of hours

It sounds like you didn't EBF your baby. There is no way that I could have left my 12 week old cluster feeding EBF baby for an evening, let along go back to work.

PicaK · 07/09/2021 07:54

So you're nice... Your niece's mum is very nice... but your brother is a bit of a hopeless, thoughtless slightly selfish numpty. If he carries on like this he might ruin their amicable relationship so good time to start forging your own relationship with her.
I would honestly talk and say you'd love them both there and ask what works best for her.

Lily78123 · 07/09/2021 07:57

^baby will be about 3 months old at the time of the wedding, and is breastfed.^
Mum and baby are not to be seperated. At 3 months they might already have an evening bedtime routine. Sounds like a bad idea.
Invite the mum and baby to everything or not at all.

Oriunda · 07/09/2021 08:14

Aside from the unanimous ‘no’ from all the posters, there’s also Covid to consider. I’d not be letting my 3 month old child near anyone who’d not been vaccinated.

thetesdybears · 07/09/2021 08:26

Yeah mum needs invited too and if u want baby there. Do not have her in the evening that's bed time! If I were mum I wouldn't come to be honest especially if I'm not even being fed!

A baby at a wedding isn't much fun. I took my 1yr old to my sil wedding. She was flower girl to be fair and it was about an hours drive away. She was an absolute pain. She's usually a happy little girl but not that day, she whinged and moaned all day and only wanted her mum n dad. My mum had offered to come get her in the evening and I said no coz it was too far and she'd be fine.

She was frustrated because she cldnt walk and wanted to crawl around the dance floor 🙈 and wld cry hysterically when I wldnt let her. She also wld not go to sleep in the evening I tried pushing her around the hotel grounds in her pram but no. I had a miserable time it was not fun!

Member984815 · 07/09/2021 08:29

You want a possibly exhausted mom to a 3 month old To drive herself to meet a bunch of strangers , it'd be a no if it was me . I wouldn't have the desire or the inclination to do it especially if I wasn't in a relationship or particularly close with any of the family . Babies change day to day at that stage

Motherofalittledragon · 07/09/2021 08:37

@SleepingStandingUp

I wouldn't be driving an hour each way in the evening once everyone has eaten so the baby Dad can show off the baby whilst i stand awkwardly by and explain "no I'm not his gf, we just had sex" and then be sent home when everyone is done and Dad want's to have a drink

Yep I agree with this ^^

JazzerMcCreary · 07/09/2021 08:41

If you want to have a good relationship with your niece/nephew, you treat their mother as part of your family. Which she is, regardless of how your brother sees it.

Boulshired · 07/09/2021 08:43

Your wedding is not really the place for his lion king moment. Most extended family will make the right noises but will not really give a shit and possibly sour the relationship with the new mother and your family. The only winner her seems to be your brother getting his own way.

Rememberallball · 07/09/2021 08:45

@biggerthehoops

It's only half an hour away? The baby will be 3 months old? I appreciate people are different but I was back to work at 3.5 months... surely brother can just take the baby for a couple of hours then take it home? I'd have welcomed a baby free couple of hours any time post 2/3 weeks!

Welcoming mum is the right thing to do but I'd be surprised if she wanted to come and didn't just give the baby over for a couple of hours

OP says it’s an hour away; brother isn’t goi g to leave wedding for a 2 hour round trip to collect child then repeat same journey to drop her off again - what does he do if baby needs a feed during that time? Let alone that a wedding evening party is not the place for a young baby to be without her primary carer!

Not to mention he’s been totally unreasonable telling her mother the baby will be at the wedding before she was even born, not to discuss it with you and to use your wedding so he can show off his daughter to the extended family while nor bearing any of the organisation or cost of doing so!!

I would bypass your jerk of a brother and speak to his ex and ask her what she wants to do. If there is a way to add her to numbers so she is accommodated, fed, and has space available to feed baby and rest (and for baby to nap in pram or a travel cot) then offer it but also let her know she can turn down the invite and you will not be offended.

CallMeRisley · 07/09/2021 08:53

@Rememberallball OP says it’s “an hour round trip from her” so presumably half an hour each way. I do agree with you on the other aspects though.

olidora63 · 07/09/2021 08:53

Either invite Mother and baby for the whole day or just leave it . If I was the Mother I would be very put out that the baby is expected to be presented in the evening to a bunch of strangers! Can close relatives of the Dad meet the baby another time .

CottageOnTheHill · 07/09/2021 09:00

@ncforthis21

Most of my family live several hours away, so the wedding seemed like a good opportunity for everyone to meet the baby since everyone will be here for the wedding. I’m a bit annoyed with my brother for not talking to me about it much earlier as apparently he told the baby’s mum he wanted the baby there way before the baby was even born, but I was only told of this recently, hence why she has been invited after the meal.

I think you need to ask yourself if the baby’s mum really wants to attend or is she being dictated to by your twat of a brother? If I was in her situation no way would I be bowing to his demands. It would be a no thanks from me for attending. I’m sure he can arrange another time for the family to meet the child instead of insisting the little mite is at a wedding.

biggerthehoops · 07/09/2021 09:01

She said an hour round trip.

CanofCant · 07/09/2021 09:04

I had called completely overlooked the Covid issue too.

LittleMysSister · 07/09/2021 09:06

Tbh I wouldn't do this.

I understand baby is too young to be away from mum for the whole day but also surely it's super awkward for the mum to feel like she has to attend this, especially if you do change the invite to the whole day?

Appreciate your intentions are nice and not trying to push her, but she might feel pressured into coming.

ScribblingPixie · 07/09/2021 09:07

@MissyMooKins

If you are inviting her to evening defo add on a plus 1 for her and get your brother to arrange her transport if she doesn't drive. I'd have hated to go to a wedding reception with my 3 month old baby. Knackered by 7pm. Day times prob best. Just ask her what she prefers.

This. She's doing a nice thing for your family so look after her.