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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my niece’s mum to my wedding?

164 replies

ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 20:43

NC for this. I’m getting married later this year. My brother had a baby earlier this year, but he isn’t with the baby’s mum. He wants the baby, my niece, to be at the wedding, as do I. I’ve met the baby’s mum a few times and we get along well. She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby, but I’m second guessing myself and wondering whether I should invite her to the wedding ceremony or to the meal, so that my niece can be a part of the day. AIBU to only invite her to bring the baby after the meal?

OP posts:

Spikeyball · 06/09/2021 21:27

Either the baby and mum come to the daytime events or the baby sits this one out.

ThanksItHasPockets · 06/09/2021 21:29

Your brother needs to educate himself sharpish on the needs of his child.

CanofCant · 06/09/2021 21:32

I really think you should see it from her point of view. It's a pain in the arse schlepping babies and small children to family weddings at the best of times when you already know everyone there and are in a partnership with the baby's father but these are not normal circumstances and the baby will be so young and its mother still recovering from birth. It does sound as though she is to massively inconvenience herself (and your niece) just to wheel out the baby and show it off to your family.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2021 21:32

I wouldn't be driving an hour each way in the evening once everyone has eaten so the baby Dad can show off the baby whilst i stand awkwardly by and explain "no I'm not his gf, we just had sex" and then be sent home when everyone is done and Dad want's to have a drink

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2021 21:33

I doubt she wants to be there. Her baby is a person, not a doll for pass the parcel. She gave birth a matter of weeks ago, she’ll be feeding round the clock, she might not have a suitable outfit or want to buy one. He’ll have other chances to show it off.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2021 21:37

This is an utterly ridiculous idea. Your family can meet the baby at a more suitable time and under more reasonable conditions.

Original poster

ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 21:40

Most of my family live several hours away, so the wedding seemed like a good opportunity for everyone to meet the baby since everyone will be here for the wedding. I’m a bit annoyed with my brother for not talking to me about it much earlier as apparently he told the baby’s mum he wanted the baby there way before the baby was even born, but I was only told of this recently, hence why she has been invited after the meal.

OP posts:

ActonSquirrel · 06/09/2021 21:41

@SleepingStandingUp

Exactly. The poor woman.

DeadButDelicious · 06/09/2021 21:49

I completely missed that she was expected to arrive after the meal had finished, so she's being asked to make a long journey, in the evening, with a 3 month old, whilst breastfeeding and she doesn't even get a meal out of it! Nope. If I was her I wouldn't be coming.

Goodgollymiss · 06/09/2021 21:54

Image the shi t show if he took baby along to wedding reception without the mum...the mind boggles he thought this was a possibility.

Fernando072020 · 06/09/2021 21:54

Hi op,
3 month old bf baby can't be away from mum for a day. I'd just invite mum especially as you've said she's quite nice. I'm sure she'll just hang back and let your brother introduce baby to everyone but she needs to be there to feed on demand.

Goodgollymiss · 06/09/2021 21:55

Also 3 month old bf... cluster feeding and leaps all kicking in .. a 12 week old can have a very different personality to an 8 week old .. a lesson I have learnt personally

Nojobforoldmums · 06/09/2021 22:01

Your brother is being unreasonable.

The baby can meet extended family another time.

maddening · 06/09/2021 22:06

Breastfed baby, I would invite neice and her mum to ceremony, day and evening. This is a lovely chance to ensure that your niece is welcome and acknowledge her mum as well.

yomommasmomma · 06/09/2021 22:10

@MrsBertBibby

She'll be 3 months old?!

You should let mum come to whichever bit of the day she pleases, and make sure she has a comfy seat, plenty of room, and food and drink.

Surely this is the only answer???

NotRainingToday · 06/09/2021 22:18

At 3 months the baby may be asleep in it's cot by 6.30 or 7pm. I'd be genuinely amazed if the mother would be willing to lift baby into the car for a post-dinner evening as described.

Beautiful3 · 06/09/2021 22:21

A breast fed baby needs it's mother. Please invite her to the whole thing with the baby. It would be rude to do anything else.

RampantIvy · 06/09/2021 22:22

At 12 weeks DD was cluster feeding every evening. An exclusively breastfed baby will scream its head off if mum isn't there to feed it.

At that age mums and babies come as a package.

Nojobforoldmums · 06/09/2021 22:24

At 3-4 months post partum I had a huge hormone upheaval. Big clumps of hair fell out, skin broke out and I got very emotional over very trivial things. I would not have wanted to go to the wedding of strangers, with no support, dealing with cluster feeds and frequent poos. I would certainly had to buy a special outfit for my non recovered size that was breastfeeding friendly.

Every mum and baby is different. She may really want to come. Ask gently, don't tell her and be prepared that after one sleepless night too many she might change her mind.

DillyDilly · 06/09/2021 22:32

Thinking about this again, you are right to be second guessing yourself.

This woman has ‘been told she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal’. What time will the meal be over at 7/8pm??

Over an hour of a drive away, on a dark evening, to bring a three month old baby into a room full of people she has never met, who have been partying all afternoon.

I hope her own family and friends advise her to arrange a much more suitable day and time. She’s a fool if she goes.

cheeseisnice · 06/09/2021 22:47

Yeah, would I fuck be doing this with a three month old baby. And not even asked, just 'told'? Your brother is being very selfish actually. Breastfed babies are hard work. This poor woman has to put in all this leg work just so he can show off his baby whilst she waits around awkwardly, and she's not even worth feeding apparently. It's an insane idea.
If you want the baby at the wedding she should be invited for the entire day, with mother. I'd still expect the invitation to be declined however, considering the ex is not part of the family. It's likely to be really uncomfortable for her.

thenewduchessofhastings · 06/09/2021 22:58

This is with meant with no offence to you OP but it sounds like your DB wants to do the whole Disney dad routine at the wedding by having your niece passed around like pass the parcel whilst relatives fawn over her and tell your DB "what a great job he's done".

She's only 3 months old,she'll be asleep a lot of the time and it won't be much fun for her mum to be sat around like a spare part watching her DD being passed around a group of strangers and then having the baby handing back over to change/feed like she's the hired help.

I know you want her there but is it honestly really necessary?

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 23:02

She must be lovely! There is no way I would drive an hour to watch my baby get handed around at a wedding then drive home!! I’d tell your brother that’s a ridiculous demand of a new mum and I need to speak to the Mum. Did he even think of finding somewhere for her to stay the night or is she just a baby carrying robot?

Greygreenblue · 06/09/2021 23:02

There is absolutely no way I would have agreed to drive late at night on my own with my 3 month old to large group of strangers to let them play pass the baby.

I am amazed that she would agree to this.

When you are sleep deprived dealing with a cluster feeding 12 week old please remember this.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 06/09/2021 23:04

I would have hated to go to a wedding with my EBF 3 month old. I couldn't imagine anything worse!!

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