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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my niece’s mum to my wedding?

164 replies

ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 20:43

NC for this. I’m getting married later this year. My brother had a baby earlier this year, but he isn’t with the baby’s mum. He wants the baby, my niece, to be at the wedding, as do I. I’ve met the baby’s mum a few times and we get along well. She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby, but I’m second guessing myself and wondering whether I should invite her to the wedding ceremony or to the meal, so that my niece can be a part of the day. AIBU to only invite her to bring the baby after the meal?

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 21:03

@CanofCant they weren’t in a serious relationship. She hasn’t met any of the family except myself and my parents. My brother is eager for the rest of the family to meet the baby. She has said she’s happy to bring the baby for a little while, but it’s an hour’s drive round trip for her so doesn’t want to come too late.

OP posts:
Wondergirl100 · 06/09/2021 21:04

Think of it this way OP - at that age the baby is literally part of the mum - there is a word for it I think - 'dyad'/ It means you can't separate them into two beings while the baby is so utterly dependent on the mum for security and food.

For those who said if the baby took formula the dad could bring them - no - if the baby is tiny and mum is primary carer, then where baby goes mum goes.

Freddiefox · 06/09/2021 21:04

[quote ncforthis21]@Freddiefox baby will be about 3 months old at the time of the wedding, and is breastfed. My brother did want to bring baby by himself, but the baby’s mum wasn’t comfortable with that which I understand.[/quote]
I think the best thing to do would be to give her a call and see what she’s happy with.

bobandhisburgers · 06/09/2021 21:05

How old is the baby now if she will only be 3 months 'later in the year' when you get married? Baby and mum come as a package at that young age. And it should be for the daytime rather than evening. A 3 month old baby meeting the family at an evening so if a wedding when most people are probably pissed. Wouldn't be a combo I'd consider really.

Milkbottlelegs · 06/09/2021 21:05

You can't expect a 3 month old breast fed baby to be at the wedding (or anywhere) without Mum.

The OP isn’t expecting that at all.

OP I would honestly just not bother, unless you really think the Mum wants to be there. It would be a bit different facilitating an older child being there in some way, but your brother is basically using your wedding as an opportunity to introduce his child. Whilst that might not sounds that bad in itself (I still remember my cousin as a 6 week old at my Uncle’s wedding), in order for that to happen you need a new Mum to bring her along to a wedding reception. That just seems a bit odd. It’s not like having the baby at the evening do is going to bring a whole heap of personality to the event.

Wondergirl100 · 06/09/2021 21:05

Given she will be the babys mum forever and therefore linked to your family - isn't it a nice opportunity for everyone to meet her and know her better? The baby seems to be being seen as somehow separate to its mother which is just v odd.

And a round trip in the evening with a baby - really not fun - at least make her welcome!

Your parents and family might want to remember they will be better of f in terms of relatinship with the baby if they form a bond with mum.

PicsInRed · 06/09/2021 21:06

She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal etc is finished so that the rest of our family can meet the baby

"Told". Hmm

This sounds like she's nanny, bringing the baby down washed and fed after tea. It sounds like she's staff and it's rude.

Boomclaps · 06/09/2021 21:07

You’ll want to invite the mum and baby to the daytime. The evening would be quite difficult at that age.

Pollypudding · 06/09/2021 21:07

“She has been told that she can bring the baby along in the evening after the meal”
You may just have worded this carelessly but it would be polite to ask, not tell.
As PPs have said, have a chat with the Mum and see what she is comfortable with.
Have a lovely wedding day 🥂

3peassuit · 06/09/2021 21:07

3 month old breastfed babies come as a package with their mothers.

Wondergirl100 · 06/09/2021 21:08

I agree that you should think about whether this will actually be in any way fun for the mum - either you are inviting her to get to know you all (and I find it baffling you aren't more keen to get to know her - she is the mother of your new neiece?? Dont you want a good relationship with her???) - or you should just meet the baby another time.

The mum has no idea now if she will feel like it on the day.

Boomclaps · 06/09/2021 21:09

@Milkbottlelegs

You can't expect a 3 month old breast fed baby to be at the wedding (or anywhere) without Mum.

The OP isn’t expecting that at all.

OP I would honestly just not bother, unless you really think the Mum wants to be there. It would be a bit different facilitating an older child being there in some way, but your brother is basically using your wedding as an opportunity to introduce his child. Whilst that might not sounds that bad in itself (I still remember my cousin as a 6 week old at my Uncle’s wedding), in order for that to happen you need a new Mum to bring her along to a wedding reception. That just seems a bit odd. It’s not like having the baby at the evening do is going to bring a whole heap of personality to the event.

Exactly this. You’ve said you’re an hour away too, so that drive late at night with a newborn would be rough
andweallsingalong · 06/09/2021 21:10

I like Pp's idea of inviting a friend of hers as well. She can relax with friend whilst DB looks after baby, but is there for baby too.

hibbledibble · 06/09/2021 21:13

If you want the baby there, of course you have to invite the mum. An evening only invite would also be rather silly for a 3 month old. It's either an all day invite, expecting they will likely have to leave early, or nothing. Why don't you want her there? I'm shocked your brother wants a 3 month old breastfeeding baby separated from mum all day. Is he involved in parenting this baby girl at all?

Garriet · 06/09/2021 21:16

@andweallsingalong

I like Pp's idea of inviting a friend of hers as well. She can relax with friend whilst DB looks after baby, but is there for baby too.
This is what I would do.
Original poster
ncforthis21 · 06/09/2021 21:17

@hibbledibble he sees the baby 3 times a week. It’s not that I don’t want her there. I haven’t really spoken to her about it. It was my brother who suggested the baby coming in the evening to meet everyone. The wedding is next month so it’s a bit late to be adding guests etc.

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 06/09/2021 21:19

If the baby will only be three months old, it is very possible that on the day she will decide not to drive an hour each way in late evening.

If I were her, I wouldn’t go and the family could meet the baby another time.

Iwonder08 · 06/09/2021 21:19

If things between your brother and his ex are civil then invite her over at the time convenient to her. There is a reason why they call the first 3 month of baby's life a forth trimester. The baby can't be separated from mum and you should be understanding about their schedule. If it is too much hassle for the wedding day then don't invite them. Treat the woman nicely, she will remember if something was off on the day when she met the extended family

Hankunamatata · 06/09/2021 21:21

I cant imagine bf mum would want to sit through wedding or meal of family she hasn't met. Roughly what time will meal be finished?

hibbledibble · 06/09/2021 21:22

I would suggest talking to the mum about this, regarding what she is comfortable with. An evening invite would likely be impractical with such a small baby.

DeadButDelicious · 06/09/2021 21:23

I think if you're going to have the baby at the wedding then you obviously have to invite mum too. The day bit would be better as expecting her to make an hour long round trip, with a 3 month old, breast fed baby, in the evening, after a long day of looking after said baby, purely so your family can coo over her, isn't really going to work.

She's the mum, she's linked to your family now, surely it would be nice to build bridges and include her? And as it's your brother who wants to use this event as a means to introduce his baby to wider family, I would also be expecting him to facilitate this as much as possible.

Tistheseason17 · 06/09/2021 21:24

Yeah, OP, you need to.invite mum or not at all. Baby is going to be 3 mths.
If I was the mum I'd decline - it's not recommended that babies are in car seats for prolonged periods either.

GameSetMatch · 06/09/2021 21:24

You can’t ask a three month old to a wedding without its Mum especially if it’s breastfed, what do you want the baby to do when it’s hungry? Starve?

ActonSquirrel · 06/09/2021 21:26

My brother is eager for the rest of the family to meet the baby.

Then why is your wedding in the evening the only way this can happen?!

Can the mother not be invited to your parents home for her own sake. For everyone to meet the baby and the mum?

Why a drop off at an evening wedding and not wanting mum around?

PrincessNutNuts · 06/09/2021 21:27

I think it's best to ask the breastfeeding mum what will work best for her and the baby.

I was once at a wedding where the family wanted the baby of the bride's brother in the family pictures but not his fiancée.

The bride's mother tried to take the baby out of the fiancées arms in order to have him in the pictures.

He is wailing in all the photos because all he wanted at that age was his mum.

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