To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

It sounds to me like you like to be friends first, so you feel comfortable with them. So stop dating and find lots of friends instead

Yes - If you need to have an emotional bond with someone before finding them attractive, online dating probably isn't your bag. People go into dating quite strong because they want a relationship, they often don't want to spend ages faffing.

What you should do is get involved in some social things and connect a wide circle of friends so you can get to know people on a more casual basis wih less pressure. Make sure people know you're single (but don't throw it in their faces). You'll meet lots of nice people who aren't in that Online Dating mindset.

Of course you don’t have to.

But it shows you are probably not compatible, it’s not what he is looking for.

@Lunettesloupes

Since Covid close physical contact feels (and is) a lot riskier and less everyday. Wonder if that comes into it. I’m put off dating still, let alone kissing.

For almost anyone under 50, especially for those who are fully vaccinated, they are more likely to die in a car crash than of Covid. This fearful paranoia is becoming insane.

@Sirzy

Your last post could be turned around to his view though “I don’t think she could like me that much if she won’t kiss me after 3 dates. I actually feel rather rejected”

You both just have different expectations. He wants a relationship that includes the physical side which is fine. You don’t want the physical side yet which is also fine. Just means that he is right that at the moment a relationship between you won’t work

Agree fully with this.

@littleloopylou

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

Don't you think he may feel rejected? You both aren't compatible, you have different views on affection early on. It does sound like you would like a friendship which then progresses to a relationship, so maybe try and make some new friends, do you have any hobbies/interests?

Yanbu you don't have to indulge in any physical activity if you don't want to.

But he also wouldn't be unreasonable to stop seeing you if it's a deal breaker for him.

Are you using online dating? If you are, I don’t think it’s the place for you. People on there generally want to find somebody and I don’t think there are many who will be happy spend their time making friends in the hope that somebody will progress from friends one day. I think you are setting yourself up to get hurt if you are online dating.

Why does everything have to have a label these days? You don’t want a physical relationship, why does that have to be given a name?

At the end of the day you’re not interested in a physical relationship, not at the moment anyway. That’s fine, you don’t have to want one, but then you shouldn’t be dating, because dating implies that you’re looking for a relationship, and physicality and relationships go hand in hand.

This reminds me of the poster who felt that men were being unreasonable for being irritated when she revealed several dates in that she was in fact a-sexual but hadn’t put it on her profile.

If you’re going to date someone, then you assume that part of that process equals physical attraction. If one of you pulls away when the other one tries to kiss them it’s clear that physical attraction isn’t there.

And we’re talking about a kiss not sex. I kissed my eXH fairly early on but we didn’t sleep together for 6 months. But there was still an attraction.

You’re not unreasonable not to be attracted to him at this point. But you are unreasonable to expect him to wait around for an indeterminate amount of time until you even consider him worthy of a kiss.

I would say that OLD isn’t for you. And that’s ok. Personally you couldn’t pay me to do OLD either.

But then if you want a relationship then you are going to have to find other ways to achieve that, maybe make friends, join groups, etc.

Or, and I realise this sounds difficult, accept that at the moment you’re just not in the right place for a relationship.

@littleloopylou

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

He probably feels rejected also. He tried to kiss someone he’s been dating and likes and was told they didn’t want to kiss him.

You absolutely don’t have to change how you do things. What you want is important and if you want you don’t have to kiss someone.

However, what he wants and feels is also important, and he doesn’t have to date someone that doesn’t want to kiss him. It doesn’t make him a bad person or horrible.

Before I met my DH I ended a brief relationship over kissing. I love kissing. It’s a big part of my relationships. The guy was lovely and I really liked him, but he didn’t like kissing. Him pulling away made me feel horrible. We simply weren’t compatible. That’s all that’s happened here with you and this guy.

** You felt rejected and hurt, I expect he did too.
I think his response was pretty decent in those circumstances.**

^This. You are not ready for dating OP.

He obviously quite fancied you if he wanted to kiss you. He presumably signed up for online dating for romance, not because he needed another friend. It sounds like you want a friend first, with the option of romance a few months down the line. You might want to try MeetUp which is about making friends locally - that would take the pressure off and you might find someone you like better.

You don’t have to kiss anyone ever, if you don’t want to.

For some people, establishing reasonably early on if there is sexual chemistry (with a kiss, for example) is an important part of determining whether to progress with a relationship. It is unusual (but certainly not wrong or weird) to want to wait several weeks before a kiss, so you may find that some prospective partners aren’t willing to spend the time on dating before knowing if that chemistry is there.

That isn’t a bad thing though - it helps you to weed out partners who you would likely not be compatible with. The right person for you will be someone who is willing to move slowly.

That might mean it takes longer for you to find someone you click with. But that is better than finding someone who isn’t actually compatible with you.

I understand that it may feel disheartening, and I hope you’re able to embrace the fact that your sexual preferences are a completely normal part of the broad spectrum of human sexuality, and that there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

Neither of you is wrong or unreasonable in my opinion. He likes you enough that he wants to kiss you, you like him enough that you want to see him again. You're just in different places, and that's ok. It's a shame you're both left feeling rejected though.

I also don't get this "condition you". In my opinion you don't have a condition, or a sexuality (be it demisexual or whatever the other one was). You're just a woman who finds certain traits attractive or unattractive. Like the rest of us.

I think you’re being a bit hard on him by saying you think he only had a sexual interest in you. He clearly liked you, and tried to show this by giving you a kiss. That’s pretty normal. It’s fine for you to say no to that, but that does give off a signal that you’re not interested in a relationship with him. People who are dating usually kiss each other. It would’ve been fine for you to kiss him but say you’re not ready for sex yet. It’s a shame it didn’t work out, because you both sound nice.

I don't think either of you has done anything wrong. You don't have to kiss if you don't want to. He doesn't have to date someone if he doesn't want to. You don't owe him a kiss after date 3 and he doesn't owe you anything either.

I wouldn’t want to see someone again if they didn’t want to kiss me after 3 dates. You’re clearly not attracted to him, so why waste your time, never mind his time

It’s down to individual choice - no one should be pushing you to do anything you don’t want to do. Having said that there are two of you in the relationship - if that’s what it is at this stage, so I think maybe you should be looking at your reasons for not wanting to kiss him ? It appears that you’re saying you consider yourself Sapiosexual - if this is the case, do you not feel attracted to him because he doesn’t meet your needs intellectually ?

I do think it’s a bit presumptuous to be thinking that his only interest in you is sexual at this point. If you’ve got to a third date without even kissing, then I think that says otherwise. Most people would find it pretty normal to kiss if the attraction is there, so maybe if you don’t, it’s just a straightforward case of not fancying him for whatever reason - if so, just move on.

His response was measured and accurate, you are not ready for dating. You are seeking friendship and hoping it becomes something more.

You don’t have a condition, there just happens to be a word to describe the way you fall for someone.

As a single mum you say you don’t have time for hobbies, that’s understandable. However you can still meet people. Activities with your child, school parents, bbq’s, out for meals, work etc,

If I don't want to kiss someone on the first date, they don't get a second one. I like a kiss to see if there's proper chemistry.

But nobody is obliged to kiss or do anything else with dates for as long as they want. There's no law.

@HeartsAndClubs just to be clear, i am very physical when I'm in a relationship with someone i trust. It just takes me some time to get there

OP, you say you only kissed someone on a first date once so there must've been a spark. Obviously not in this case. Let it go.

TBH I think that by the 3rd date , if you arent feeling it then it isnt there.Most people who are attracted to someone will want to kiss!

If someone hadnt wanted to kiss me by the third date I would move on.
I need to fancy them to go on a second date. Wouldnt be a third date if we hadnt kissed by end second date. Imo

You don't have to but to be honest if you don't feel enough attraction by the third date to kiss I'm not sure I'd be going on a third one! If it's the right person you do know and I couldn't keep my hands on dp

No advice, but I am like this too, OP, so totally understand where you are coming from. It is hard.