To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

That’s fair enough though at least he was honest, I think most guys are expecting sex by the 3rd date so he probably has got bored, that doesn’t mean you have to though but it won’t be for everyone.

If you don’t want to kiss him then it’s probably not something that has a future - therefore not unreasonable at all. If someone didn’t want to kiss me after a few dates I’d assume the same. No harm done, just both move on & find people you do want to kiss. A non issue really?

Of course you’re not unreasonable.

However, the third date, for me, was generally the kiss or don’t see them again date. First date is to find out the lie of the land. Second to make sure the first wasn’t a fluke. Third to decide whether it’s going anywhere.

@littleloopylou

I'm different. I used to meet men through work or study. I would probably be called sapiosexual or something now

I feel utterly worthless, like this guy only had a sexual interest in me.

I think you're being a bit harsh on him. He didn't dump you because you wouldn't sleep with him. He dumped you because he felt awks you didn't want to kiss him. It's perfectly acceptable for him to want affection from a relationship.

I'm with him tbh. If I'd been on 3 dates with someone and they didn't want to kiss me, I'd move onto someone else.

Of course you have a right to not kiss anyone at my time. But he also has the right to not see you again for any or no reason.

I think you're not unreasonable to not want to kiss. I think you're unreasonable for expecting someone to date you without anything physical unless that was made clear at the outset.

You’re not wrong but neither is he.

You don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to. But equally, he's not unreasonable to feel he doesn't want a 4th date with someone who doesn't want to kiss him.

A kiss by date three is pretty standard, he’s not asking too much. And it’s nice of him to have told you the reason he doesn’t want to see you again. You just aren’t compatible.

This is 2021 right? On what planet do you have any obligation to kiss anyone at who cares the how manyeth date? I am more worried about your self doubt though and you feeling worthless because of someone not wanting to date you for this.
Maybe he is only interested in sex. So stop seeing him, he isn't good enough for you, he's worthless.
Or maybe he would like to see some progress at least.
I have to be honest though 95% of men will want some form of sexuality with a potential partner and want to see some form of progress towards a sexual relationship. I think you should simply state to people you are dating that you would like to take it very slowly and that an emotional/intellectual bond is very important to you before moving on. Then they either want to continue or not. And when they don't you should take it that they are simply not good enough for you, not the other way around. I take my hat of to you in any case.

Neither of you are being unreasonable and I think you should both know that.

I wouldn't date someone for a second time if I thought they didn't want to kiss me, so a third would be out of the question for me.

We're all different and no-one is wrong.

Why go on 3 dates with someone you don't want to kiss? For me the attraction is there in the first 10 seconds, either a yes or a no. Not that I'd act on it that quickly of course..

You don't have to kiss anyone ever whether you've been on 1 date or 100 💐

You of course have the right not to kiss anyone, ever. But the guy also has the right not to go on a 4th date with someone that doesn't show him any affection. Nobody is wrong here.

No point in going on a second date if you cant even bear the thought of kissing. Go out with a friend or find a hobby. Perhaps dating isn't for you which is fair enough.

@SoundBar that's not how it is for me. Only once have I wanted to kiss someone on the first date. Literally. (We dated for several months).

I don't understand how I will be able to meet someone with this... condition i have

Agree with everyone that says by a 3rd date you should know if you're attracted to someone or not.

You're being totally unfair on the guy--unless there's more you haven't said, he didn't say you had to kiss him or try to force you. It's your choice who you kiss, just as it's his choice who he dates.

I think the vast majority of the population would be unwilling to keep going on dates with someone if it seems to be leading nowhere. To accuse a guy of only wanting sex because he wants to kiss after many dates is laughable--if he were just after sex then he would be bloody desperate still going on these dates!! He's been very patient, I certainly wouldn't go on a third date with anyone if we hadn't kissed, let alone a fourth.

If you want to meet guys through being friends first, then you need to set out to do that--meet people in hobbies, etc. where you hang out and get to know them over time before thinking if you want to date. Or if you're online dating, talk to people about it first.

If I went on 3 dates with you and you always knew that DATE dating was off the table, I'd be pretty irritated because I'd feel that you'd wasted my time from the outset--it was never on the table. Like I'd feel if a guy claimed he wanted a relationship and strung me along. You need to be honest with people, he has every right to date the way he wants to.

Yanbu but I wouldn't continue to date someone I hadn't missed by the 3rd date, for me it's kiss on first or second date to see if I'm feeling it.

If it had been the 3rd date and still no kiss I would take it as not interested and walk away

And the only way you'll meet someone is by being honest, a simple " I am interested in dating and getting to know you but you must know that there won't be any kissing etc until I'm really comfortable as partners which may be weeks or months" then it's up to them but at least they know what they are signing up for and no ones time is wasted

YABU OP. I’ve just been on my 5th date and still no kiss. To be honest I don’t like kissing anyone. I have to be drunk to go with it. I don’t know if this relationship will progress, but if he ends it then it’s a sign we just weren’t compatible. 🤷‍♀️

Ok I've just googled sapiosexual. Don't most intelligent people find other intelligent people attractive? Is this a thing now? Is it a sexuality? I'd like to know because I appear to have got to my 50s without realising I was one. I did always snog on the first date though, I wouldn't go on a date in the first place if I didn't fancy someone in the first place. If they turned out to be a twat I would just go home.

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 i looked this up again and realised i meant demisexual - but sapiosexual isn't far off either!

@Flowers500 I'm now a single mum with limited time off. I don't have time for hobbies.

@MyPatronusIsACat

YANBU *@littleloopylou*

Some people think you should shag on the third date.

I find the very idea repugnant.

This. I've been dumped before for refusing to sleep with a guy on the third date. Some men's expectations are... interesting.

A secret that some men doesn't seem to realise... putting pressure on someone to sleep with you doesn't make them want to sleep with you.

@SoundBar

Why go on 3 dates with someone you don't want to kiss? For me the attraction is there in the first 10 seconds, either a yes or a no. Not that I'd act on it that quickly of course..

For you. Not for OP and not for me either. I'm dismayed by all the "near-instant attraction or it's going nowhere" brigade in this thread. Honestly imo this is why so many marriages fail. Friends first and last.