To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

[quote littleloopylou]@Flowers500 I'm now a single mum with limited time off. I don't have time for hobbies.[/quote]
Well then you’re going to need to try to make male friends somehow, if the only way you’ll get into dating them is through friendship first. Maybe meeting people through your work and study, through friends of friends?

But you’re unlikely to get what you want from online dating…

Why would you continue dating someone who doesn’t want to kiss you? You’re not obliged to but I completely understand why he wants something different.

You must surely understand that for many people they would want some kind of contact at the third date point. When would you expect to kiss a date?

If I'd been on three dates, and he didn't want to kiss me, there wouldn't be a fourth date. I'm not dating in order to find friends, so there would have to be some attraction there at that point.

YANBU but neither is he.

@toconclude Why would you be dismayed? I'm someone who always needed instant attraction to date someone, certainly always at least snogged on the first date (or went home alone). My 25th wedding anniversary is coming up so it worked for me! We are all different, and that's a wonderful thing.

You kiss a man whenever you’re ready to kiss a man. The end.

You are both right, so I voted YANBU. You may wish to wait weeks or longer to kiss, he may want to kiss on date one. You just need to match with dates who feel the same way.

I voted "YANBU," and you are not...but the question is why you don't want to kiss him yet. Sometimes we meet people whom we just know from the outset are not going to be physically attractive to us, ever. If that's the case, end it. Don't waste his time. Or yours. On the other hand, if this is someone you just are not sure of yet, but the attraction is there, take all the time you need to get to know him as a person. That's perfectly fair. Or if he is a person who is beginning to grow on you, give it a bit of time to see if things develop. That is also perfectly fair.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all op, you shouldn't feel under obligation to kiss someone if you don't want to, and I think it is outrageous to suggest that you are being "unfair" on the guy (why on earth is an average man unable to see and hold a conversation with a woman on three occasions without licking her tonsils? If she goes half on drinks and dinner , and they are sitting in a nice warm restaurant, he is hardly undergoing torture or anything is he? ). However, owing to other people's expectations, I think it would probably be better to meet men for a coffee or a walk and not a stereotypical dinner date.

Did you explain about the possible demisexuality previously? Maybe not the exact word, but at least how you felt? If not, I can understand that he'd be feeling rejected and like he was wasting his time. He might still feel that way after you explained but I'd hope he explained the incompatibility kindly before he called it a day.

I don't think a man wanting a kiss on the 3rd date is trying to use someone just for sex.

It's your body and mind OP. Don't let anyone manipulate or push you into doing things you don't want to do, especially sexually (kissing included.) If they try and do that, they're dodgy. Bin them.

You call it demisexuality (and a lot of people do) but not wanting to do stuff sexually with someone until you have a deeper or longer-established rapport with them really isn't rare or abnormal at all. x

@LawnFever

You don’t have to kiss anyone you don’t want to, but I don’t think I’d bother going on a third date with someone I didn’t want to kiss.

This ^

@littleloopylou

I'm different. I used to meet men through work or study. I would probably be called sapiosexual or something now

I feel utterly worthless, like this guy only had a sexual interest in me.

Think about this.

Why do you want to be liked by someone who only had a sexual interest in you?

You should want to be with someone who treats you as more than that. And you should not feel your lacking somehow because a man is only interested in his own dick.

Pick your self respect off the floor (and stop using daft words like sapiosexual. You are a perfectly normal women who just wants to be wined and dined in old fashioned courting terms without sexual expectations whilst you get to know someone. And this does not require a fucking label or explanation)

@WorraLiberty

Neither of you are being unreasonable and I think you should both know that.

I wouldn't date someone for a second time if I thought they didn't want to kiss me, so a third would be out of the question for me.

We're all different and no-one is wrong.

I agree completely with this. By date three I’d be wondering what the fuck was going on if someone did even want to kiss me and hugely doubting what was happening and if I’d got the situation all wrong and they just didn’t fancy me.

But if you don’t want to kiss someone, you don’t want to kiss someone. I don’t think you’re wrong for that at all, but I can’t imagine going on a third date with someone I didn’t want to be all over to be honest.

You can kiss when you want to. You can have sex when you choose to as well. That could be first date, or even first hour, or umpteenth date.

As others have said, not wanting to kiss by the third date does suggest lack of interest to the other party though.

Sexual interest with someone you are dating is normal.

I don't think either of you is wrong. Dating someone generally comes with some expectation that if it's successful then at some point there will be physical/sexual affection. A kiss by the third date is not an outrageous suggestion. However, if you're not comfortable with that, that is absolutely ok.

You’re under no obligation to kiss him ever, but I’m not surprised to hear he’s not considering a third date. It’s clear you’re incompatible.

Of course it's fine, you don't have to kiss anyone at any time. However, it's all fine for someone to not want to continue seeing you if you don't want to kiss them. Neither is wrong, as long as they aren't presurring the other person to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

If I was on a third date with someone and he didn't want to kiss me, I would feel like we obviously weren't a good match and wouldn't be interested in any further dates.

You don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to.

But if someone didn't want to kiss me by the third date I'd assume they weren't attracted to me so I'd move on.

Clearly it's not meant to be. Why? Because you are talking to us about this and not him. Everyone is different and if you like him but don't feel able or willing to kiss him yet then you should tell him, if you don't ever want to kiss him, fine, you don't have to and if you're not sure tell him!

I'm with him on this and I think he's been really fair and honest. You aren't compatible. You need to find someone who feels the same as you re affection.
It's not wrong to not kiss someone but it is wrong to make him sound bad for being honest. He's not.

Here is what happened. He tried to kiss me. I pulled away. I started trying to explain. He told me that I don't have to explain. Then he texted me to say that we should reconnect when I'm ready to date or something like that.

Are you looking more for friendship than a relationship then?

Nobody has to kiss someone they don’t want to of course but at the same time if moving towards a physical relationship is important for him then there is nothing wrong with him being honest about that and suggesting that a relationship probably won’t work between you at the moment.

@littleloopylou

Here is what happened. He tried to kiss me. I pulled away. I started trying to explain. He told me that I don't have to explain. Then he texted me to say that we should reconnect when I'm ready to date or something like that.

This seems reasonable. You're just not compatible OP, there's no more to it. You've only been on 3 dates.

That actually sounds like a pretty classy response to you rejecting him when he went to kiss you.