To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

But you said you would have liked to spend more time with him?

Is this about being 'Demi sexual' or a out he just dumped you first and it smarts a bit?

[quote littleloopylou]@Lockheart I'm not remotely asexual. I'm really, really not religious. So these sites would be unsuitable for me. I have a normal to high sex drive and I love physical affection once I feel i can trust a man. But it appears that the normal thing to do is for people to get physical before they know each other. So I'm (not) fucked[/quote]
Demisexuality is part of the ace spectrum so by saying you're demisexual, you've literally said you're on the spectrum of asexuality.

I'm a biromantic asexual myself and it doesn't sound like you understand what you're feeling.

@needsomepeace321

Not listening to a big explanation does not equate to disrespecting boundaries *@ChargingBuck*

He probably felt the rejection was self explanatory, as most people would in that situation. He also probably felt a bit embarrassed and just wanted to get out of there.

Expecting one's own explanation to be heard but refusing to hear the other person's is surely a boundary-push?

Although I'm more interested in his odd follow-up text after that 3rd date - the one where, unsolicited, he sent the message saying it would be much better if they were cuddled up in bed. What was the point of that, unless it was to have the last word by telling OP she could have had a 4th date if she were prepared to go to bed with him?

Maybe you have it spot-on, Needsome - he was a bit embarrassed, felt rejected, & needed to send one final 'yah boo sucks' message to relieve his own feelings.

@littleloopylou

To be honest i probably wasn't attracted to him in part due to too many red flags. Shortly before he tried to kiss me, he was complaining that a tenant in a property he manages has a black friend who is staying with her. I was like why js it relevant that she's black? And he said that it's just a description

And yet you still said all this:

I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this.
And actually, the fact that I wanted to see him again tells me there is something there.
I would just like a chance to spend more time together.

So either he did say something that sounds racist (that would be hugely offputting and a red flag to people who aren't racist) and you still wanted to see him, or he didn't say it at all.

All very strange.

I realise this sounds like a drip feed, but i was too focused on the weird rejection where he told me what I am (not ready for a relationship) while presenting himself as just wanting affection like a normal person. And he tried to kiss me twice. And he insisted on ordering things to share, supposedly for my benefit even though i said i didn't need certain dishes. I think he's a boundary pushing dick

I think we've all just spent 17 pages discussing the wrong issue.

@littleloopylou

To be honest i probably wasn't attracted to him in part due to too many red flags. Shortly before he tried to kiss me, he was complaining that a tenant in a property he manages has a black friend who is staying with her. I was like why js it relevant that she's black? And he said that it's just a description

Come off it OP, you're desperately scrabbling around for a reason why you didn't really like him anyway, to cover your feelings of rejection

The seemingly racially charged comment was very shortly before the attempted kissing. It's stupid of course that this is so emotionally draining for me, but i really have not dated in like 10 years and i always found it uncomfortable to start with. On reflection, I think post this date I would have reassessed the whole thing. I kept analysing everything to see if it was a red flag and the comment about the black girl is an obvious one

OP seriously WHY are you still going on about this?

Get over it!

Op, I mean this kindly.

I also had an abusive marriage.

I really think you need some more time before you date.

Your issue was he tried to kiss you in the 3rd date. Now he is a dog whistle, boundary pushing dick who actually tried to kiss you twice. So once after you made it clear.

You felt uncomfortable he was ordering dishes to share.

And yet, you posted what you posted. Well after the event happened and you had some time to reflect.

Either, you are in the stage where if someone shows you interest, you like them back and want to date them and keep ignoring things hoping this is the one.

Or your ego is just hurt and you are no coming up with reasons you don't like him. Like 'didn't want you anyway'.

Either way, it's not good.

Given your history and you said…

I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this.
And actually, the fact that I wanted to see him again tells me there is something there. I would just like a chance to spend more time together. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this.
And actually, the fact that I wanted to see him again tells me there is something there. I would just like a chance to spend more time together.

If you’re now saying he made a racist comment, ignored you saying no to him trying to kiss you and tried again, and tried to overrule you on food choices, but you were more focussed on him dumping you then he is actually right - you’re not ready for dating. Do the Freedom Programme before you venture again.

Perhaps you should look at having dates online (from the comfort of your own home) before meeting them in person. That gives you time to get to know them @littleloopylou.

Its odd that how peoples view of dates.
So many dates with men shoving arms around me expecting me to kiss them.

I've only been pawed once...

Even when I've been in bed with men they have been totally gentlemenly.

Going on a date, being in bed even doesn't mean any thing.

It sounds like a dripfeed because it is one. After you said you still wanted to see him. Strange.

If he's a racist then why are you on here moaning about being dumped by him? You be relieved.

Be like Elsa and let it go.

*you should be

OP, I also mean this kindly, your latest updates are indeed showing that you are not ready to date.

Please consider getting therapy to work through the issues following your abusive marriage, and any prior issues that may have led you there (I think you mentioned a difficult childhood). Not with the purpose of helping you with dating, but to build yourself up first.

I think a few things happened:

1. red flags - he sounds like a bit of a dick and your brain was telling you that
2. most people would have felt very rejected by your refusal to kiss on the 3rd or even the 2nd date really. So even a nice guy/woman would probably have ended it. I know I would. Not because you must kiss someone you don't want but I also have a right to feel wanted and a guy refusing to kiss me after the 2nd date clearly is not attracted to me, I wouldn't even go on a 3rd. My free time is also precious and I wouldn't waste weeks or months dating someone who won't kiss me after the 2nd date. That being said, we all have our quirks, it doesn't mean you won't find someone.
3. you're not ready to date. OLD can be brutal and you have to go through lots of dates to find the right one. It took me a long time to be ready to start dating again i think you need more time before going for OLD especially.

OP, I would like to make some very emphatic points: 1) your judgment is good, 2) your standards are good, 3) you are in no way being unreasonable.

And also, sadly, 4) OLD is full of dross.

Ok, you’ve talked yourself to a point where he’s a racist bastard who doesn’t respect your boundaries etc etc. It’s not at all that you’re strange and too hard work.

So now you should be relieved that he’s ended things? Because you say you’d have ended them anyway due to all the red flags? So no problem now, surely, and you can get over it

@littleloopylou

The guy has told me he doesn't want to see me anymore because he felt awkward that i didn't want to kiss him.

Of course you don't have to kiss him and he's not saying that you do, but I don't blame him for not wanting to see someone who doesn't want to kiss him.

He insisted on ordering things to share.
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!

I order things to share because I know DH will say he's not hungry then nick my chips(which is a boundary pushing behaviour for sure. Luckily side portions have saved our marriage).

I order things to share because I want them and it makes me sound, slught less greedy if it's 'to share' 🤣

Unless it was this guy.

@littleloopylou

The guy has told me he doesn't want to see me anymore because he felt awkward that i didn't want to kiss him.

Well that's fair enough. You don't have to kiss him, and he doesn't have to want to go out with someone who doesn't want to kiss him.

Seriously OP no matter what other bad things he did - even if he was a mass murderer, his rejection of you wasn’t wrong! Instead of forgetting it you’re continuing to drag his name through the mud. And coming up with red flags to justify it to yourself. That’s fine if you want to do it in private but why on a public forum?
You sound very immature and emotionally unstable , please get yourself some therapy before you date again