To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

For me, sexual.attraction is a part of a relationship, the wonderful bit that sets someone apart from friendship.

I snogged my boyfriend within an hour of meeting him. And we were in bed together the following weekend. And we both have said since we are glad we didn't shag the first night 🤷🏻‍♀️. Still going strong, monogamous and in love. We definitely weren't/ aren't using each other for sex. It is just one part of our happy relationship.

You need to be upfront about your expected timelines to find someone who matches it. Kissing on date one or two is standard, no kiss by date three i would assume there was no attraction or an issue that would directly impact our compatability. So there would be no date four.

You get into a relationship by getting to know people before you date.

I feel similar. Not into just dating. Never had a relationship with someone u haven't known previously. That did mean as a single parent, I stayed single as a wgole as work was literally the only place I met people. Buy as the kids get older it gets easier.

I do think you are being incredibly harsh saying he only wants sex. It's the 3rd date, not the first. He is as entitled to think there should be some affection between you by this point, as you are that there shouldn't be.

If you really want to date, but have no way of getting to know people without dating, its probably best to open up this converstation earlier. So people are aware why you don't want that physical affection early on. Rather than going on several dates, rejecting their advances and then trying to explain after the fact.

I actually did tell him this before. I suppose that he thought I would change my mind as we were getting along very well

@littleloopylou

Here is what happened. He tried to kiss me. I pulled away. I started trying to explain. He told me that I don't have to explain. Then he texted me to say that we should reconnect when I'm ready to date or something like that.

This is really a perfectly reasonable way for him to have responded.

I can quite understand you wanting a longer time to establish an emotional connection to a potential partner before kissing etc but you are highly unlikely to find this through online dating unless you are very clear about what you want and find someone who is likeminded.

You don't have to kiss anyone, at all, if you don't want too. That is absolutely fine. You need a closer bond before that can happen and that's ok! I'm sure, in fact I'm certain there are men in a similar boat so maybe being upfront about it is the way to go? There is nothing wrong with you.

This man just isn't the right fit for you that's all, he's not done anything wrong, he's been upfront and honest and decided he doesn't want to continue, from what I can see from your posts he wasn't an arsehole about it, it's just not a good fit. Obviously it's going to sting when someone says they don't want to see you again. That's fine too.

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

Maybe you could look into Meetup groups, if they are still a thing in this post pandemic world. When I was single I went to a few of these - it was a way of meeting new people and doing fun stuff without the emphasis being on dating or looking for relationships - I went to things like board game evenings and kareoke events.

And what did you say when you started trying to "explain"? If you started coming out with this sapiosexual/demisexual stuff then I'm not surprised he responded in the way he did.

It's fine - and normal - to only want to have a physical relationship with someone you have an intellectual connection with. Not sure why people are suddenly so keen to put a label on it. To be different, or interesting?

Your last post could be turned around to his view though “I don’t think she could like me that much if she won’t kiss me after 3 dates. I actually feel rather rejected”

You both just have different expectations. He wants a relationship that includes the physical side which is fine. You don’t want the physical side yet which is also fine. Just means that he is right that at the moment a relationship between you won’t work

@Sirzy

Your last post could be turned around to his view though “I don’t think she could like me that much if she won’t kiss me after 3 dates. I actually feel rather rejected”

You both just have different expectations. He wants a relationship that includes the physical side which is fine. You don’t want the physical side yet which is also fine. Just means that he is right that at the moment a relationship between you won’t work

Yes I agree with this. You feel rejected but so does he. You view romantic relationships differently to each other. You're incompatible

@littleloopylou

I actually did tell him this before. I suppose that he thought I would change my mind as we were getting along very well

You told him you didn't want physical affection early on, which is totally fine. However, I don't think he was trying to change your mind. Your idea of early on may be different to his. You say it's been 3 dates, but how long have you been seeing each other for?

You felt rejected and hurt, I expect he did too.
I think his response was pretty decent in those circumstances.

@littleloopylou

Here is what happened. He tried to kiss me. I pulled away. I started trying to explain. He told me that I don't have to explain. Then he texted me to say that we should reconnect when I'm ready to date or something like that.

That's a perfectly reasonable, and thoughtful response by him op. You don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to, but I wouldn't be on a third date with someone I didn't want to kiss. If a man hadn't tried to kiss me, or didn't want to by the 3rd date I'd assume he wasn't interested and move on. It's unfair to say he only wanted you for sex, he wouldn't have gone on 3 dates with absolutely no physical contact if he was only after that. He's simply realised it's not going anywhere, that doesn't work for him, and that's more than ok. I think you've painted him out to be the bad guy, but he hasn't done anything wrong. By your thread title, it sounds like he berated you for not kissing him, which isn't truthful at all from this further post. I think you've perhaps had your feelings hurt that he didn't want to continue seeing you, but you must accept that no promise of progression is a problem for some men.

Completely understand where you are coming from OP, and that is why meeting people through dating would be incredibly difficult for me. I have never in my life met someone I wanted to kiss or have sex with straight away or even after three meetings. I have to know them first, so as you say meet them through college or work, so spending a lot of time with or around them - then attraction comes. I simply can’t imagine fancying someone after three “meetings” although I know people do.

I do not think you are being unreasonable by not kissing someone you do not want to kiss, but going on a third date and not wanting to kiss someone seems a little odd, my perception would be that you are stringing them along for company and/or free dates.

@littleloopylou

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

OP, online dating is for people who like to date a certain way. And that tends to be physical attraction led, that's why most of them start off with swiping/selecting on photos. And because of that, kissing is expected after a few meetings (if not the first, I also snogged my partner repeatedly on the first date, but I am comfortable with that and it was fun).

That approach obviously isn't for you. And that's ok. But I can't help but thinking old for you is going to be like trying to push a square peg into a round hole. And that the consequences are going to be harmful to your self esteem, look how upset you are about a man simply deciding he doesn't want to date in the same way you do. Look after yourself first. A man will come along at the right time.

@littleloopylou

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

It sounds to me more like you wanted him as a friend rather than a romantic partner.

You kiss when you’re ready. Don’t need to put set time bound rules on it….

If the sexual chemistry isnt right I wouldn't want to invest emotionally in a relationship. What's the point in dating someone you didnt know you enjoyed kissing? I would want to know that on date one, no way would I want to wait for date 3!!!

You're not unreasonable but He sounds like a sweetheart.

Of course he has a sexual interest in you, he doesn’t date you to be friends.
It sounds to me like you like to be friends first, so you feel comfortable with them. So stop dating and find lots of friends instead.
And you don’t ever have to kiss anyone you don’t want to.

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

He obviously wasn't the right person for you. You'll find someone who is.

It's OK not to want to kiss someone on the third date. It's also OK for him not to want to keep dating someone that doesn't want to kiss him.

No one's in the wrong, people are just different.

Since Covid close physical contact feels (and is) a lot riskier and less everyday. Wonder if that comes into it. I’m put off dating still, let alone kissing.

I don’t know how him wanting to kiss you is indication of him not liking you? That’s illogical to me. You’re entitled to not kiss anyone you like and he’s entitled to stop seeing you for any reason he wants - and it’s not fair to make him the bad guy over it. It sounds like you’ve both had your feelings hurt a bit.