To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

@littleloopylou

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

He obviously did like you as he wanted to kiss you. I wouldn't kiss someone I didn't like unless I was blind drunk.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to kiss on or by the third date and he probably feels very rejected to or unattractive or like you don't fancy him but it fine for you not to want to kiss but I guess you have to look at how many dates you would feel comfortable by? Ten, or more?

I wouldn't bother seeing someone again if there was no kiss by the third date as would find it would start getting awkward and would definitely think they didn't fancy me and like others have said, life is to short and I don't have much time to waste.

@Findingthelight1 of course I didn't say anything about my sexuality. I think it's a bit weird that people characterise not wanting to get physical early on as a sexuality, in fact - it's very othering. I don't see why it should or would be viewed as being so unusual that it needs a special label

I just told him that I'm used to meeting people through work or study and getting to know them more gradually.

Given covid and the fact that i have a child to look after, i see OLD as the only real option. It is very upsetting to see that dating me is so boring that I can't expect to meet someone through this means

@Boatonthehorizon
Exactly, first date totally ok to be shy but by end of second both of you are evaluating if it is progressing, by third you are thinking can I see a proper relationship? In my case as I'm lying next to him right now it did move rapidly from 3rd date . We aren't kids who wants to date endlessly!

You don't have to kiss someone at all but you have to accept that that may not be ok for them.

I don't understand how so many people here think there must be a spark from the get go.

The ex boyfriends whom I remember the most fondly - and with whom i had the most chemistry - are men who I spent weeks around before the attraction started to grow. Just because some people can feel the spark immediately doesn't mean this is true for all people.

And actually, the fact that I wanted to see him again tells me there is something there. I can't be bothered with most men after our first meeting.

I’m like you OP I need time to get to know someone before I can even fathom the thought of kissing etc with them. It’s just the way I am and I’ve always been this way, I need that trust in order to feel able to be intimate.

I’ve learned over the years (to avoid situations similar to this actually) to be very open about this from the get go with people I meet both online and offline.

This is the way online dating is, people don't mess around and usually know in a few dates if they want to continue or not. Sadly this guy doesn't want to continue and that's OK for any reason as well. He needs more affection early, you can't provide that. Nobody is wrong or right here , you just aren't compatible with each other.

Everyone is different. While you take it slow, he isn't the same. Some people need immediate spark, some need time.
It's simple as that.
And every person has absolutely a right to say no to more dates for whatever reason they feel they want to. Nothing wrong on either side.

Just take it as a no go and move on.

It is very upsetting to see that dating me is so boring that I can't expect to meet someone through this means

It's not about you being boring OP, but for the vast majority of people a romantic relationship involves a physical element to it. If it doesn't have that, then for most people it will just be a friendship.

Those on online dating sites are for the most part either just looking for sex (obviously not what you're looking for) or are looking for a romantic relationship (which again, for the majority of people will involve a physical element).

They are not looking for friendships. I'm on online dating sites and I'm not!

You might have better luck on some more specialist sites rather than the mainstream ones. Are you religious, for example? There are also dating sites for those who are asexual or demisexual.

This isn't really an 'unreasonable or not' situation. You don't feel that you want to kiss somebody after three dates but most people feel that by that point, you know whether you're physically attracted to them or not, and would show that in some way.

I have to admit, I would be a bit put off by somebody who didn't want to kiss me by by the 3rd date but you can't force yourself to feel something you don't feel 🤷‍♀️. I'm not sure there's an easy answer to this one!

@littleloopylou

I don't understand how so many people here think there must be a spark from the get go.

The ex boyfriends whom I remember the most fondly - and with whom i had the most chemistry - are men who I spent weeks around before the attraction started to grow. Just because some people can feel the spark immediately doesn't mean this is true for all people.

Many of us are a bit older OP and can't afford to hang around for ages before deciding if we want a romantic relationship with a person. Not if we want to settle down and have a family.

That's fine for a teenager, not fine for me in my mid-30s.

You are not compatible.

He handled it very nicely I think.

So after he went to kiss you and you pulled away, what did you actually start explaining?

Did you say that you were "sapiosexual" and blather on about that?

Or did you say, look, I really like you and I would love to see you again but I'm not ready to be physical just yet.

I thought I was demisexual until I met my now fiance. It turned out that I was used to being with pushy men and I was holding them at arms length telling myself this lie that I couldn't help it because I was demisexual.

What I needed was to meet a decent bloke - we kissed on our second date and slept together on our third but then we had been talking so much that I was excited to move on to the next steps with him

@GertietheGherkin

I wouldn't have got to the 3rd date if I didn't want to kiss someone, but we're all different. You shouldn't feel the need to do anything on any date if you don't want to.

Exactly this

You don't have to kiss someone you don't want to but they are also within their rights to say its not working if they want something more physical and they aren't getting it. In this day and age most people tend to gravitate to the physical aspect of relationships (be it kissing or sex) fairly quickly so you'll need some patience in finding someone willing to wait a fair long while for you to consider kissing them. It doesn't mean something is 'wrong' with you, it's just personal preference but you need to be more understanding that the way you feel may not be the norm for many people looking to date.

I've never been on a date with someone I didn't fancy.

Then we either got on as well, or not!

You are obviously not obliged to kiss anyone. I don't blame him for backing off either though, he probably thinks you don't fancy him

I was wondering whether there are any organisations like dating agencies where you can meet up with people for friendships and whether this could be a way to get to k or someone for a while without the expectations of OLD.

I am sorry though as I can see that most people who are on a dating site would probably be expecting things to move forward after the first couple of dates .

He really hasn't done anything wrong op, I think you need to accept that this wasn't working, and move on.
You wanted to see him again, but to be brutally honest he obviously feels it's going nowhere if you weren't ready for a kiss by date three. That's not rushing, it's still in the getting to know someone stage, and there was absolutely no pressure or mention of sex.
You seem to be more annoyed he's decided it isn't going anywhere, which is completely his right. No one is saying the spark needs to be there at the very beginning! But if there isn't one by date three, there isn't going to be one. You can't really expect this man to hang out with your for weeks on end until you decide if you want more than friendship. He's said to contact him when you're ready to date, he's looking to get to know someone Romantically and go on dates. He's not getting that with you, and that's ok. You don't have to do something you don't want, but neither does he.
You aren't "never going to meet someone" - you just need to change your expectations, that not everyone dates the way you want to. You can't expect anyone to change for you.

@littleloopylou

I don't understand how so many people here think there must be a spark from the get go.

The ex boyfriends whom I remember the most fondly - and with whom i had the most chemistry - are men who I spent weeks around before the attraction started to grow. Just because some people can feel the spark immediately doesn't mean this is true for all people.

Then online dating isn't for you. It's as simple as that. Or as has been said a more specialised site.

You need to meet people in the more traditot sense I think. Even if it's to stop you taking it so personally.

Traditional*

@littleloopylou

The guy has told me he doesn't want to see me anymore because he felt awkward that i didn't want to kiss him.

He's allowed to have opinions and boundaries as well you know, it's not all about you.

It's ok for you to not want to kiss him. It's ok for him to not want to date someone who doesn't want to kiss him. But your posts are only about your feelings and you don't seem to have any awareness that he and others are actual people with their own feelings.

I think conventional online dating is probably not for you. To be honest, waiting till date three for a kiss is quite gentlemanly. Perhaps there are websites or organisations where you can meet more like minded people?

I don’t understand how you think he doesn’t like you, because he tried to kiss you?
In my dating experience it shows he does like you and wants to connect.

Neither of you are wrong, but he’s looking for some form of physical element and you aren’t.