Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

434 replies

littleloopylou · 05/09/2021 23:25

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 06/09/2021 12:52

Because people are suggesting religious or asexual sites, when OP is neither. She is not situated outside of mainstream dating because it takes her a few more dates than most to want to get physical.

Oh, right. No, she's not religious or asexual so those definitely aren't appropriate.

If there is an app for people who want to take it very slowly, though, I can't see what there is to lose.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 06/09/2021 12:53

That last one was for @Flowers500. Though I am starting to think this poster is enjoying winding me up.

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 06/09/2021 12:54

You aren’t unreasonable for not wanting to kiss him at this stage however he is also not unreasonable for deciding he doesn’t see there’s a future and not to see you again.

He has every right to decide that he wants to be able to build a relationship rather than a friendship that may or may not turn into a relationship.

I think you might be better finding a meet up group and building friendships with single males.

BelleOfTheProvince · 06/09/2021 12:54

Because people are suggesting religious or asexual sites, when OP is neither.

The op used a gender identity label for herself that implies asexuality to an extent. And gender identity belief certainly is a religious belief. If they go in for all that o assume they'd find their people there.

However, I personally think op has some unresolved issues as described from her previous relationship. It would be helpful to her self esteem if she could work through these with a therapist. I'm not sure if that's possible for her though financial wise or time wise, but probably worth investing in.

ManifestDestinee · 06/09/2021 12:54

I am angry that he would want to kiss me when he's clearly not that into me personally

This is exactly why you're so unreasonable. You've decided that he wasn't that into you because he wouldn't act like you wanted him to,. You actually have no idea how he felt, it doesn't sound like it occurred to you to actually find out!
Anger is entirely the wrong emotion here anyway...it's weird.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 06/09/2021 12:55

@LittleMysSister thanks - this will be a positive thing about returning to work etc, when that eventually happens

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 06/09/2021 12:56

@DrSbaitso & @JustLyra

I beg to differ. If you only want to see someone for a "date" if they're willing to get physical you need to be up front about it. That whole if OP is "ready to date" because she did not want to kiss speaks volumes in passive aggressive behavior.

OP has met this man at this point only three times. That's not a lot and he now only wants to see her if she is willing to kiss and calls that "ready to date"? Yeah, that is definitely shitty. He should have been clear in his OLD bio if that is what he was looking for.

Flowers500 · 06/09/2021 12:57

I think on a lot of paid dating sites there are people who say they are looking for friendship/companionship and maybe more? Then say in your bio that you’re looking to meet people and spend time together, but that you’re someone who typically prefers to only be romantic after really getting to know someone.

This could be the right sort of approach for you—yes it will cut down the number of potential matches, but they will be people who want the same as you

Maassi · 06/09/2021 12:57

I can't believe a grown arse woman is behaving like a mooning teenager and dissecting such a non event. Jeez girl.

DrSbaitso · 06/09/2021 12:59

@littleloopylou

No, I don't think he owed me anything. I am angry that he would want to kiss me when he's clearly not that into me personally. I also didn't appreciate his follow up message to me about how it would be nicer to be cuddled up in bed after I didn't want to kiss him. I accepted his rejection. He could have left well enough alone.
He was into you personally. He doesn't need as long as you do to feel drawn to someone and willing to take it further. Neither of you was into the other enough to do what the other required for the next step. You're not compatible.

Follow up message probably was him trying it on a bit, or making it clear what made him decide to pass. But while I can see why it's annoying, I can't see that it's worth pages of angst about confusion and what it means for you and how boring you must be to date and how terrible it all is.

From other things you've said on here (not the wanting to wait), I do think you might not be ready to date yet, which is understandable. But you need to do the work for that, not the men you meet.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/09/2021 12:59

How can you possibly know that he wasn't that into you personally? What is the basis and evidence for that claim?

He liked you enough to go on three dates with you and want to progress to kissing you.

Do you mean he didn't like you enough to spend months cultivating a friendship with you, before you decided whether you might like to date him, or not?

Well, no, he didn't. He was on a dating site. Not a friendship with a view to maybe dating in six months if things go well, site.

Wanting to kiss you is a nice thing, suggesting he liked you. You didn't want to kiss him, so you didn't. That's fine. But there is nothing in his wanting to kiss you that implies he didn't like you personally. Quite the opposite!

AllTheSingleLadiess · 06/09/2021 12:59

Neither of you are unreasonable in your dating approaches. But your respective outlooks make you incompatible with him.

OLD is like job hunting. People are looking for specific criteria and will move on if they can't find it because finding a partner is a job in itself.

I think that his point of view (by date 3 you feel like this could be a relationship or not) is very common and his comment to contact him when you feel more ready to date isn't gentlemanly. Assuming that your past is what is preventing you from moving ahead with him isn't an unreasonable interpretation of why you pulled away.

I think that if you're going to continue OLD you need to declare that you're asexual so that potential dates know how you date. But what might work better is increasing your circle of friends so you can get to know men without pressure.

Reloxa · 06/09/2021 12:59

@Flowers500

I think on a lot of paid dating sites there are people who say they are looking for friendship/companionship and maybe more? Then say in your bio that you’re looking to meet people and spend time together, but that you’re someone who typically prefers to only be romantic after really getting to know someone.

This could be the right sort of approach for you—yes it will cut down the number of potential matches, but they will be people who want the same as you

That seems a reasonable approach.
Original poster
littleloopylou · 06/09/2021 13:00

@Flowers500 yeah, maybe the right approach. I can't even imagine how many men will be screening me as a 40+ single mum who wants to take it slowHmm

OP posts:
GoodGrief100 · 06/09/2021 13:01

@littleloopylou

No, I don't think he owed me anything. I am angry that he would want to kiss me when he's clearly not that into me personally. I also didn't appreciate his follow up message to me about how it would be nicer to be cuddled up in bed after I didn't want to kiss him. I accepted his rejection. He could have left well enough alone.
But you thought he owed you the time of day to listen to your explanation? He tried to kiss you BECAUSE he was into you personally (and I would imagine that's also why he was on a 3rd date with you spanning many weeks). He's not that into the fact you don't want anything physical when he IS ready - they are two separate things. Yeah he probably shouldn't have pushed the issue when texting (not knowing the context) but your issue is basically, you've been dumped and you don't like it. Get thicker skin or don't do OLD.
Original poster
littleloopylou · 06/09/2021 13:01

@AllTheSingleLadiess wtaf. Why would i say that I'm asexual? Nothing could be farther from the truth.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 06/09/2021 13:01

@littleloopylou

No, I don't think he owed me anything. I am angry that he would want to kiss me when he's clearly not that into me personally. I also didn't appreciate his follow up message to me about how it would be nicer to be cuddled up in bed after I didn't want to kiss him. I accepted his rejection. He could have left well enough alone.
The reason I am getting frustrated with you is that you’re not listening to what people are saying. You’re strawmanning like a scarecrow factory! I’m sorry for getting frustrated but you’re jumping around and being so irrational, it’s hard to deal with.

He WAS into you, but you wanted different things. That’s fine, you don’t need to go making personal accusations about him. The fact you can’t recognise that he didn’t do anything wrong here is EXACTLY why this thread is going like this.

You also didn’t do anything wrong when dating him, your issues were in expectation setting before you met, as well as with your reflections here on what happened—you’re carrying a lot of anger about him not wanting the same things as you, when that’s perfectly fine.

Hekatestorch · 06/09/2021 13:03

[quote CaptSkippy]**@DrSbaitso* & @JustLyra*

I beg to differ. If you only want to see someone for a "date" if they're willing to get physical you need to be up front about it. That whole if OP is "ready to date" because she did not want to kiss speaks volumes in passive aggressive behavior.

OP has met this man at this point only three times. That's not a lot and he now only wants to see her if she is willing to kiss and calls that "ready to date"? Yeah, that is definitely shitty. He should have been clear in his OLD bio if that is what he was looking for.[/quote]
What did he need to be clear about.

A kiss on a 3rd date, isn't only dating to get physical.

It does, infact sound like op isn't ready to date. His assessment isn't far wrong.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 06/09/2021 13:04

@GoodGrief100 i didn't insist on giving him an explanation. Calm down.

OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 06/09/2021 13:04

I think your interpretation of his actions are unfair.
If he was just about sex he wouldn't have bothered with date 2 and 3 and his response to you pulling away was classy. You should have been clearer earlier about being demi so he'd know what to expect when dating you. What you said about knowing men first through work and college could have been circumstantial dating history rather than preference iyswim.

I'm not suggesting that you change your ways but you might reach another asexual/Demi sexual person quicker if you declare it on your profile. You might get fewer replies but your time is scarce so you only want to meet compatible people anyway

Original poster
littleloopylou · 06/09/2021 13:06

Why would I seek out an asexual man when i want to have sex?

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 06/09/2021 13:06

[quote littleloopylou]@Flowers500 yeah, maybe the right approach. I can't even imagine how many men will be screening me as a 40+ single mum who wants to take it slowHmm[/quote]
There will be people who are right for you. But again this comes down to the point that it is simply not the fault of other people if your wants are fairly niche—people are entitled to date who they want. People with disabilities, trans people, people with difficult caring responsibilities, unemployed people etc all can find meeting people for dating difficult. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t keep putting themselves out there, but they should continue being honest.

ManifestDestinee · 06/09/2021 13:08

I can't even imagine how many men will be screening me as a 40+ single mum who wants to take it slowhmm

The same number you'll be screening out for not wanting to take it slow?
You can't seem to grasp that it works both ways.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/09/2021 13:08

Btw, during the many months it takes for you to get to know a man as a friend and work out whether or not this might be a relationship you'd like to develop further, is he allowed to date other women?

If your relationship is, at that point, just friendship, that would be ok, wouldn't it?

Or do expect a really slow-burn wooing, with months of dates and dinners all romantically inclined and exclusive but without any physical contact? So some element of romantic commitment from the start.

If the latter, how can you know from the start that this is a man worth dating romantically, rather than just befriending? If not from the start, then when does that shift, from friendship to romance come into it?

Answering questions like that, for yourself, might help you decide where to look to meet the right men and form the sorts of relationships you are looking for.

DrSbaitso · 06/09/2021 13:09

[quote littleloopylou]@Flowers500 yeah, maybe the right approach. I can't even imagine how many men will be screening me as a 40+ single mum who wants to take it slowHmm[/quote]
Presumably your profile shows all the other things you are as well. Why would you want to meet someone who's not interested in who you are?