To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

Oh and just to finish on the 'it's a numbers game' point. You're probably there already but the inference of the 'narrow the field then meet as any of that field as you can' analysis is that if you fail to narrow the field enough, you will be wading through so many unsuitables that you never get to meet the one. (Or the 3-5 who might work out if you both work at it, as I don't believe in 'the one' in any pre-destined sense).

If your bio fails to mention something important, something that will discourage many men, so that the field of potential contacts shows as 1,000 instead of 50, you've no little to no chance of meeting the one, or three or five amongst that 50, that could have worked out for you.

@BelleOfTheProvince

I think people are confused about you being asexual because of this post:

realised i meant demisexual - but sapiosexual isn't far off either!
Those people who don't subscribe to gender ideology would have gone straight to Wikipedia, where they would have read that a demisexual is a form of and can be chopped and changed with asexuality.

Probably best to avoid such labels if it's not something you fully understand.

Asexuality and demisexuality have nothing at all to do with gender ideology!

@BelleOfTheProvince

Well, as you are in your 30s I am sure you know that the majority of people your age and older don't buy into gender identity so you using that label doesn't clarify anything. It just tells people you adhere to a religious belief, but expecting others to know it inside out would be like a Catholic insisting on atheists understanding the finer points of the religion.

If you think Wikipedia's definition of demisexual is wrong, you'll be pleased to know that you can edit the pages.

How is being asexual or demisexual a religious belief? Do you think being homosexual is a religious belief??

[quote CaptSkippy]@Flowers500 I have considered OLD trash for a long time and this rush to start making out before you know each other better is exactly the kind of entitled attitude that puts a lot of people off.

Then you get stuff like this:
ruinmyweek.com/relationships/tiktok-woman-tinder-date-sex/[/quote]
I have been married for 16 years so OLD wasnt really a thing when i was dating but if people want to have a kiss or more before they really know someone, than as long as both people are agreeable there is nothing wrong with that
The Op didnt , but that deoesnt make her date entitled, they are both just looking for different things

He said he didn't want to see you again and then texted

'How much nicer would it be if we were cuddled in bed?'

Just out of the blue. Nothing between him saying he didn't want to see you again And this comment?

If a went to kiss a guy on our 3rd date, and he pulled away, I would presume he wasn't in to me, and that our sex life would be non existent. I would never meet up for date 4, I would be far too mortified at the rejection.

Don't be ridiculous. Homosexuality is real and an orientation.
Demi, semi etc. are not understood or used by the general population. We just use actual words to convey what we want from a relationship. I find of anything straight people giving themselves a label to be minimising homosexuality if anything.

@littleloopylou

And I think he couldn't like me that much if he has to kiss me now. I actually feel very rejected. I still wanted to see him again, and I told him this. I feel like I will never be able to meet anyone

Of course you don't have to kiss someone on the third date, you don't have to do anything you don't want to ever.

However I find your interpretation of things totally back to front. He wouldn't have tried to kiss you if he didn't like you!!

YOU REJECTED HIM!!! He obviously felt things were going very well.

You're reasonable to not be ready to kiss him if its too early for you, he's reasonable for moving on when things are going too slowly for him. We all have our personal preferences.

I have now added a line about taking things slowly to my profile! Truth in advertising right here!

@littleloopylou

I have now added a line about taking things slowly to my profile! Truth in advertising right here!

That's a good step op. There's a great paragraph written by someone further upthread you might want to pinch from. It struck the balance between being truthful and not too off-putting. Another plus of you doing that is if your date can see your profile he'll know it wasn't just an excuse because you didn't fancy him and so will help his self esteem if he's feeling rejected (which he may or may not, we'd only know by asking)

@littleloopylou

I have now added a line about taking things slowly to my profile! Truth in advertising right here!

There you go!!! Better to have 10 quality matches that are ACTUAL matches, rather than 100 to wade through. Don’t be hard on yourself with dating, remember if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. You only need 1!

How is being asexual or demisexual a religious belief? Do you think being homosexual is a religious belief??

I wouldn’t say a religious belief but I do think it is a faith based belief system - unlike being homosexual or bisexual or heterosexual which is about what sex of person you like to have sex with if/when you want to, the “ace umbrella” (under which demisexual falls, quibble with the rainbow alphabet people about that one!) is all about labelling different levels of libido or attachment style and turning them into aspects of personal identity, which is a belief system yes.

Hey @littleloopylou, I think this is one of those things that will be a big deal until you meet the right guy. Don’t see it as you/them doing anything ‘wrong’, just frame it as a filter to finding the right partner. I certainly consider myself sapiosexual (not the same as you I know, just I get where you’re coming from) and I met my DH at 40 at a wedding (despite YEARS of OLD 🤣).

Try not to to feel hurt or feel you need to ever do anything you don’t want to, and don’t be put off dating. It’s just all about chemistry and one day you’ll meet a guy and BOOM. You’ll want to kiss him, he’ll want to kiss you and this thread will be a distant memory. X

...of course I didn't say anything about my sexuality. I think it's a bit weird that people characterise not wanting to get physical early on as a sexuality, in fact - it's very othering. I don't see why it should or would be viewed as being so unusual that it needs a special label Err, it was you who characterised your preferences as a condition then referred to it as demisexual.

perhaps I wasn't clear enough about the fact that I do understand that people have different feelings about this. But it makes me feel utterly hopeless because it's not something I feel that i can help, and i already feel completely unattractive as a dating prospect. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but this is your issue, not his. In the same way that you’ve got every right to go at your speed, he’s got every right to find someone who wants to go at his speed, irrespective of how much you liked each other. So you have two options here. You either carry on with OLD and risk the same thing happening over and over again (which I suspect it might), or you tailor your dating strategy so you’re meeting people who want the same thing as you. So that’s either joining groups where friendship is the primary objective, or seeking out a dating site where others describe themselves as demisexual.

I'd wonder why someone didn't want to kiss me by the third date and probably not want to continue to see them. Vice versa I'd not want to date someone I didn't want to snog.

I think it's good to be upfront from the start of your dating boundaries, so you can weed off those incompatible. There will certainly be men who too want to take things slow or are sapiosexuals (I used to see this mentioned on apps).

It's good you've put it on your profile now. But you shouldn't be feeling worthless if men who just have different needs and are incompatible don't want to take things further. It's not an indictment of you, or them. And not also indicative of how much they like you! For some people the physical aspect is a key part of how much you want to progress dating. So you can like someone but if they aren't on the same page around attraction, sex etc, then there isn't a point really. Do not take it personally.

Your person is out there. Sometimes it just takes longer to find them.

@Sakura7

How many times does this need to be explained?

Not everybody leads with sexual attraction first, character later.
There are plenty of people whose sexual desire simply doesn't fire up until they know the person they are interested in very well.

Just because you are sold on your 3 date rule, doesn't make it a universal truth.

In which case, actively dating to seek a relationship is not for you. Clearly you (and OP) prefer to let something develop with someone you already know well. That is not the purpose of dating and it's not fair to waste people's time by stringing them along on an endless number of dates. That is entitled.

Of course it isn't 'entitled'!

Any chap I date has the option to pull out (ooer missus) at any point.
I don't string anyone along, just make it clear that for me, physical contact has to wait until I know them well enough to feel confident & comfortable. If the chap isn't happy to wait, that's fine - I'm not demanding that he does - simply showing him my own boundary, so he can consider his, & respond as he wishes.

The chaps who have been content to wait (or even eager - not all men want to jump into bed at a drop of a hat) were met both online and organically - so I can;t agree with you, & neither would these chaps, that "that is not the purpose of dating".

I've been like this since divorcing a coercive controller many years ago. Prior to that, I had a much wilder ride - a lot of fun with a lot of men. But people change, & so long as neither party is dictating pace to another, & both are content - where's the harm? Or the need to dictate some kinda 'The Rules'-based progression where You Must Shag By Date X Or You Are Doomed To Die Alone And Be Eaten By Your Cats :)

@LemonViolet

How is being asexual or demisexual a religious belief? Do you think being homosexual is a religious belief??

I wouldn’t say a religious belief but I do think it is a faith based belief system - unlike being homosexual or bisexual or heterosexual which is about what sex of person you like to have sex with if/when you want to, the “ace umbrella” (under which demisexual falls, quibble with the rainbow alphabet people about that one!) is all about labelling different levels of libido or attachment style and turning them into aspects of personal identity, which is a belief system yes.

A belief system, maybe, if you also think that labelling personal styles like being introverted or extroverted is a belief system. A religious belief system, definitely not.

Back to the thread - OP that sounds a good move, adding the line to the profile.

@littleloopylou

How on earth do people see me as breaking his boundaries? I basically said fine, that's confusing and disappointing but have a nice life. He sent me a follow up saying wouldn't it be better if we were cuddling in bed!

I posted here because I'm bewildered by the whole thing.

Exactly, OP - that update stuck out to me, but I think it's been overlooked in the busy thread.

You did respect his boundary, wished him all the best, bon voyage, & didn't expect to hear from his again.
He then decided he needed to contact you again anyway, to - what? - tell you what you were missing? Insinuate you could have been an item if you'd gone to bed with him?

I can't see how it was necessary to send that highly specifically worded message. Maybe he liked you, & PP who have said he could also have felt rejected (no kiss) are right - so he was reacting to his own hurt feelings. Or maybe he needed to have the last, slightly spiteful word.

Either way - compatability! You are each best off with someone else.

The other thing to bear in mid with OLD is the absolute importance of not pinning hopes on sole prospects. It's unfair to both of you, builds up too much hope/expectation, & is too much of an emotional rollercoaster to be sustainable. Better to date a few people, casually, be very upfront about your wish to go slowly, & be open to each party also going on other dates.

Having said that, my interest was piqued by PP's mention of specialist sites, so here's a link that might help you feel you're less alone than some PP seem to believe - www.asexuals.net/dating-apps-for-demisexuals/

@littleloopylou

He didn't respect my boundaries! He wasn't interested in hearing why i didn't want to kiss him, but he sent me a follow up message making a point about how it would be better if I did things his way! I'm just trying to understand what happened.

I hear ya OP.

Couldn't agree with many PP who seemed to think he was fine to refuse to hear you out - but keen to tell you no kiss = no next date.
So it's fine for him to explain his feelings, but not for you to explain yours!

I think the "wanting to be heard" thing is possibly vexing you more than the rejection per se - but look on it as just another basic compatability issue.

But again - don't fixate on him. He's just one man - let the hurt go, & keep your emotional armour on while doing OLD.

I would be very nervous of what someone who just veered away from me would say about why they don't want to kiss me.

I wouldn't have assumed previous trauma, as it seems to be in ops case. I'd have been worried I was going to get a list of why I'm repulsive to them. This actually happened to me though so could be an uncommon fear, although I have heard old is brutal and people saying you are not as pretty as your picture etc to people's face.

Either way though it was clearly a deal-breaker for him so why would he particularly need to know.
Especially after a rejection which could be a bit humiliating.

The after text is weird and fishing and shows you are definitely not compatible.

Not listening to a big explanation does not equate to disrespecting boundaries @ChargingBuck

He probably felt the rejection was self explanatory, as most people would in that situation. He also probably felt a bit embarrassed and just wanted to get out of there.

To be honest i probably wasn't attracted to him in part due to too many red flags. Shortly before he tried to kiss me, he was complaining that a tenant in a property he manages has a black friend who is staying with her. I was like why js it relevant that she's black? And he said that it's just a description

@littleloopylou

To be honest i probably wasn't attracted to him in part due to too many red flags. Shortly before he tried to kiss me, he was complaining that a tenant in a property he manages has a black friend who is staying with her. I was like why js it relevant that she's black? And he said that it's just a description

!