To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

@GreyhoundG1rl

It's nonsense confusing, Twillow, because your internal body clock has absolutely nothing to do with how you organise your time. You're conflating two totally unrelated things.

You've misuderstood, not conflating just making an analogy.

My ex H was late 100% of the time. I'm not talking about 10 minutes or so, I'm talking hours...one memorable Sunday, he was supposed to come around to my flat at 1pm, we were going out for lunch. This was the very early days of mobiles, he had one, but rarely had it on or used it (he's still like that now). He eventually turned up at mine at 4.45pm...nearly 4 hours late. Just sauntered in like nothing was wrong, no explanation, no apology...I was beyond livid. It never got any better. He was late to our wedding, late to pick me up from the airport when I'd been travelling for 2 solid days, even late to pick me up from hospital when I was having treatment for cancer. That was one of the final straws for me.

He's been with his girlfriend for nearly 10 years now. She goes absolutely ballistic if he's even 10 minutes late, so he has got better. I can't stand lateness now. It's so fucking rude.

IcedPurple

I can actually read what you asked

"On what do you base your opinion that this is 'common'? "

You've been answered.

@AntiSocialDistancer

IcedPurple

I can actually read what you asked

"On what do you base your opinion that this is 'common'? "

You've been answered.

No, I haven't been answered.

I asked for evidence that ADHD is a common reason for lateness, but all you've offered is a cut and paste about the prevalence of ADHD. It says nothing about whether or not those who are persistently late are late for this reason.

I have patients who are often late .
I know they have health problems
I know there can be traffic/roadworks/buses cut/taxis late

Phoning to say "I'll be 10 minutes late" does not stop the clock . Chances are the next patient isn't there waiting so I cannot swap them round .

Out clinics do run pretty well to time bit of course there are times that its unavoidable .
Being late will impact on the next patient and beyond .
Saying "I don't mind waiting" or " just fot me in" impacts on my time , my lunch or home time .

I am always patient but when someone does it continuallly what they are actuallly saying is "well my time is so much more important than yours or anyone elses"

@Justgivemewine

I’m often late. It’s not about being rude, it’s because I hate being early and/or hanging around or waiting for people because I feel self conscious , awkward etc. Sometime I arrive early but won’t make an appearance until I feel the. situation is secure. Eg friends meeting a a pub, no way would I would be the first one there.

But you're happy for your friends to wait alone for you, potentially feeling insecure?

Reality check - it's absolutely about you being rude and self centred by making your comfort/feelings constantly the priority.

1 in 7 people might well be neuro diverse but 1 in 7 people aren’t always late. Last time I was on a plane 1 in 7 seats weren’t empty.

Being ND doesn’t equal being late and being late doesn’t mean someone is ND.

FFS not this again.

Lots of people have ADHD or other executive functioning issues. Lots of people with ADHD have time blindness.

I am often late.

I live my life in utter chaos, I just cannot seem to get on top of it.

It doesn't matter how much time I leave, the last 15 minutes before leaving the house are a mad dash trying to get all the things finished that took longer than I thought, eg finding the trainers / doing the packed lunches or whatever.

It doesn't matter what time I start, I'm still often late out the door, in a mad panic. Those who say "just set the alarm earlier" haven't a clue what it's like to live with executive dysfunction. And because I'm smart I hide it relatively well.

And it's got fuck all to do with thinking my time is more precious than other people's. It's a horrible way to live, I feel totally out of control and am constantly struggling to keep my head above water.

At least I'm not a judgemental, sanctimonious arse though, there is that.

I am a (mostly) reformed always late person. For me, it was because I always thought I could squeeze in more than was reasonable before leaving (eg, 'I can just quickly throw a wash on /do the washing up etc etc') or because I perpetually underestimated how long actually leaving the house /getting to the place would take. I certainly didn't feel like I thought my time was more important than the person I was about to be late for, but I've come to realise that the end result is essentially the same - it is rude, and it shows a lack of respect, even if there was no malicious intent.

Now, I work really hard to ignore the voice that tells me 'you definitely do have time to quickly empty the dishwasher /water the plants /have a poo' so I'm much better at being on time. Mostly 😬

@FrippEnos

IWantT0BreakFree

That's your perception but not necessarily the reality. It's up to you if you view it that way but it seems fairly pointless.

Surely that would depend on how long they kept you waiting?

I have friends that turn up a couple of minutes late and that is fine.
I had other friends who would turn up over an hour late, no apology just breezed in as though they were on time.

My previous comments had to do with people who genuinely struggle with lateness and don't seem to be able to manage or judge time (like myself and several PPs). Obviously if someone just breezily swans in late and isn't at all bothered about it then that is different.

YABVU

Poor neurotypical people unable to understand what having an executive function disorder is like.

Must be hard.

My friend doesn't have ADHD. She will agree to things she can't possibly be on time for or she'll capitulate to a ridiculous request from one of her children before she leaves. Or change her outfit 890 times. She KNOWS she's goung to make herself late - she admits that.

She effectively chooses to be late for social events. She chooses an extra five minutes on the phone to someone over coming out and getting into the car where her friends are waiting

I accept some people do have serious issues and genuinely struggle but you have to accept that some people really are just selfish with their time too!

Laughing it off and saying, "oh I always do it, don't I?" Is annoying.

@ShiningGonnaShine
Now, I work really hard to ignore the voice that tells me 'you definitely do have time to quickly empty the dishwasher /water the plants /have a poo'

For your health, you must always make time for a poo!

None of my friends who are consistently late have an executive function

@Twillow

Have to disagree. It's definitely a trait rather than a deliberate rudeness. It's like being a night owl or a morning lark - one comes naturally to most of us. However, as a person who is often late, it is an embarrassment and I would always apologise. I don't understand what happens, try to be oganised and efficient but I seem to have a horror of arriving somewhere with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs. Hard to explain.

But you are then making the person you are meeting there sit there and twiddle their thumbs until you deign to show up!

Damn right it's rude.

If you're consistently late & you work for me, you'll be in for a chat, then a written chat & then a PIP.

If you're a non-work contact then firstly I'll think you're an ignorant pig and secondly I'll stop arranging to meet you anywhere.

@saveforthat

Most people who are late to meet friends manage to get to work on time and catch flights.

I am a terrible timekeeper, often late and there is no discrimination. Trains, dates, interviews....

It is not an indication of personal disregard. I genuinely believe that it is - as a PP said - like being an early bird or a night owl.

I'm self employed and work in a client facing profession where if I don't turn up in time, or early, I don't get paid.

Guess what. I am never late. Not once have I been late for a job.

I'm also old enough to remember the days before mobile phones where if you made an arrangement you had to stick to it. Generally 15-30 minutes late, and the person was gone.

The only people I know who are late are arrogant enough to think their time is more important rant everyone else's. Except my Spanish friend. She tries her best, but she has a pass 😀

@Excelthetube

None of my friends who are consistently late have an executive function

Did you mean to say none of your friends who are late have executive dysfunction?

If so, you have no idea.

There are a huge number of undiagnosed people about - I wasn't diagnosed till my 40s, I had no clue I had ADHD before then.

Also people often keep this kind of diagnosis to themselves for fear of being judged.

@Excelthetube

None of my friends who are consistently late have an executive function

Exactly!

People notice if you're not there if you're important.

Someone explain to me, in detail, how you can be "shit at timekeeping"

How?

This reminds me of my exhusband. Late for everything, oblivious to the effect on other people. If we were entertaining, guests arriving at 8.00pm meant to him getting in the shower at 8.00pm leaving me to do the greeting, making them drinks and cooking the food all at the same time.

One day he came home from work really upset because his boss absolutely roasted him in public for perpetually turning up after their team meetings had started. ExDH used to saunter in with his coffee ten to fifteen minutes late. He was really resentful about the humiliation of it, had no clue how disrespectful and obnoxious he was being.

So in his case yes it's rude although he saw nothing wrong with it.

@ShiningGonnaShine I hear ya! I've done much the same as you, as a (mostly) reformed late person. I still don't find it easy tho!

@shesellsseacats
Well the only people who do it are my uncle 78
And my best friend 47
And I am close enough that I know much worse things about them that if they deal with ED

But I guess they could be undiagnosed.