To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

Totally agree OP! I've only ever known one perpetually (and seriously) late person, at least an hour late for everything, never apologised - and she was a stuck up arsehole (if that says anything?).

Had a man show up for a third date 40 mins late with no text to say running late and no apology when he showed up. He got told to f-off there and then. If you're going to be any later than 20 mins you text. 10 mins if you're meeting for something like the cinema where there's a start time. It's so thoughtless else.

@peaceanddove

And, obviously ADHD exists. But I still don't think it a coincidence that so many women are diagnosed with ADHD at the very same time that they're going through the peri menopause/menopause.

The role that our hormones play on our body and psyche is chronically undervalued and misunderstood by so many medical professionals.

Yes, I explained why that might be upthread - because that's the moment when the house of cards truly comes tumbling down. Of course it's not a coincidence, but the ADHD diagnoses is very real. The menopause is simply the trigger for when people finally seek help.

I am always early or on time. While I find people who are late annoying, it's not necessarily rude. It might be they are disorganised.

The other reason why women are being diagnosed in middle age is that when middle aged women were young, people thought girls didn't get ADHD, and the inattentive version, which most of the middle-aged diagnoses are for, wasn't recognised. A lot of us get diagnosed as a result of our children's diagnoses.

Sorry, I think I missed that post @DontShushMe, but it raises a very interesting point.

I don't have ADHD, in fact I tend toward being uber organised and very efficient. But, for several days each month all that goes out the window. Suddenly I'm stubbing my toe, forgetting stuff, dropping things and generally feeling very fuzzy headed. So I can see that hormones can exacerbate it.

@Awalkintime I think the thread is about whatever people post about in the thread - that’s how it works 😂

I'm pretty good at time management. My DH hates being late for anything. Back when we were dating we agreed to meet at a specific time, he came running over all sweaty and breathless at the exact time we agreed to meet saying he ran to avoid being late. I would have waited an extra 5 mins for him but he gets super worked up and stressed if he thinks he's running late. My sisters are always late, by a good 30 minutes most times, drive me crazy!

If its a one off due to traffic or other issues and you let the other person know oe then that's fine. I have a friend who over the past 25 years had been at least 20 minutes late every single time we have met up apart from once.
Rarely a text and never an apology for their rudeness.
Usually I got a text stating they were just leaving at the time we were due to meet and I would be stood outside said venue for 45 minutes waiting on them.
Rude and thoughtless

If you're shit at timekeeping it doesn't matter what time you get up. I've managed to be ready hours before I'm supposed to leave and still been late.

I’ve found with DD that getting up earlier, allowing more time makes it worse. The less time she has, the more focussed she is.

She used to get up at least an hour earlier for school than she needed to, but still end up running late

People who are early/on time - have you secrets to share which may help?

Do everything the night before. Even things you don’t think you need to. On a Sunday night all school bags are packed, and out with coats and shoes lined up by the door. Then I don’t have to faff about with where are my school shoes at 8.25 in the morning when I can’t be bothered. I also pack my bag the night before. I get up very early, probably an hour before I need to, so I can have a cup of tea and relax, and not be rushing.

Then, sometimes I leave the house without something I want. I saw upthread an example of being ready to leave then forgetting a water bottle/laddering tights - I would leave without the drink/with laddered tights. Although I tend to get dressed about an hour before I need to leave so would be unlikely to ladder tights in a hurry. I also don’t use my phone before we leave as I would get distracted - I would suddenly get an email from uni/text from the group chat from friends etc so I browse while having my cuppa then out my phone in my bag by the door while I get ready.

Well yes of course. But journey times aren't predictable so to never be late you have, in fact, to be early the vast majority of the time. Of course most people accept this and build contingency into their meet ups but how much contingency depends on how tolerant they are of the risk of being late. If you are very intolerant of lateness then actually you are asking everyone you interact with to build in an absurd amount of contingency, which is disproportionate overall as really the world doesn't end if someone's a bit late. If everyone was reasonably tolerant and everyone was reasonably considerate then no one would have to go to some of the absurd extremes mentioned on the thread (arriving hours early, turning down morning appointments just in case they overrun into the afternoon or whatever). I do think tolerance is underrated compared to consideration. You need both for a happy world.

No, I’d course the world doesn’t end if someone’s a bit late. But most people don’t need an ‘absurd amount of contingency’ to be on time. If your train is late or your baby shat through all their clothes or you lost your keys, you call and let the other person know. This will have happened to everyone at some stage - I don’t think anyone on the thread has a problem with this sort of lateness.

But if you’re the kind of person who regularly shows up late to things, knowing that others are on time waiting about for you, of course this isn’t acceptable. Everyone has their own life to live - why is it ok for the person who arrived on time to be left hanging about? Are they just supposed to smile and suck it up?

I was one of the ones who mentioned creative jobs. It’s nothing to do with feeling superior I was never going to get anywhere in a corporate environment. I tried. I am too anxious, can’t handle the pressure, can’t focus or work to strict deadlines and juggle 10 things at once. I just can’t. Therefore I had to look for something I could do. I’d probably have been earning a great living now if I could have continued where I was and been good at it, but it id never have been promoted cos I’m shit at organisation. I am now self employed, doing something I love in which I take on the jobs I want and make deadlines I know I can manage. That’s why I felt mentioning creative industries was important.

I always aim to be on time but almost every day something happens to delay me.

What kind of things? It's hard to advise without knowing.

I also always think I can fit another 5 things into the last 10 minutes. Then I'm dashing the 15 mins walk to work. It infuriates me.

Are these essential tasks but they take longer than 10 minutes, or are they non-essential?

If the former then maybe it would help to time the different parts of your morning routine so you can work out exactly how long you need to do X, Y, and Z, and therefore when you need to start.

If non-essential then maybe write out what needs to be done (e.g. teeth brushing) and what should be done when you have nowhere to be (e.g. putting away laundry). Then you try to train yourself to stick to the essential list only if you're on a 'deadline'.

Sorry if that sounds patronising! I like lists so I think it'd help me.

For me it's because no matter how much I plan, the journey goes tts up. A 3 and a half hour drive to a holiday turned into 7 hours due to constant traffic and unplanned roadworks. Who the fck can prepare for that?!

Rozziie and shesellsseacats thanks for answering, I know this thread has been quite unpleasant at times, but it's been genuinely fascinating to read about how other people's brains work.

I am always late and it's not because I value my time more than anyone else's. I just cannot time things for toffee. I am often "late" for work. I aim for 8am but often I get in at 8.15am, 8.20am. My time is actually 8.30am. Hospital appointments I do the same. Aim for 30 minutes beforehand.
Classic example for was a friends 40th. She lives about an hour and a half from me. I allowed 2 and a half hours and arrived 5 minutes before I should. I blame buses, traffic, my DC but in reality, I have absolutely no idea why it doesnt work. I know it sounds like excuses but, honestly, it isn't. I try and fail every time

@CheshireChat

Rozziie and shesellsseacats thanks for answering, I know this thread has been quite unpleasant at times, but it's been genuinely fascinating to read about how other people's brains work.

No worries! I don't mind if people don't understand...what makes me really upset is when I explain and people just dismiss it as 'oh that's rubbish' or 'everyone gets stressed' or whatever. I basically have to work many times harder than a typical person just to achieve the most basic tasks so being treated as stupid or weak for not quite being perfect all the time gets very draining and feeds into the endless loop of feeling like crap and then expecting to fail.

I'm an identical twin and she is ALWAYS late snd I'm ALWAYS on time /early. I hate lateness but she doesn't seem to mind at all. She also almost always underestimates how long it takes her to get herself and her children ready... it's been this way since we were small - same parents , same genes - just complete opposites on time keeping.. I think it's really interesting

Yes, the executive functioning issue is a neurological one. I have ADHD & severe IBS - both a struggle.

I hate being late (it’s stressful) but am getting better at being on time over the years. My family were always early. I don’t do it on purpose, I just tend to miscalculate how long things take (time blindness is real), and forget to factor in extra time and other things.

Yes, usually I’m late to work too but not massively so...I don’t think people realise the mammoth brain power it takes to organise certain things that come so naturally to most NT people - like leaving the house & making sure you have everything you need including phone & house keys.

The joy of IBS is that as you are leaving the house on time or early or going to a social event your stomach decides to give you hell. The anxiety of trying to leave on time or early and socialising can create so much stress that I end up having a bad stomach. No I don’t want to tell ANYONE that I spent 15 minutes on the loo that’s why I’m late.

Yes, I’m often late but I’m a great friend and really laid back about most things. No one is saying being an hour late every time is acceptable, but if my friends are late I make the most of that time I have to myself - read, listen to music etc…If you know that person shows up late, give them an earlier time to meet. It isn’t the end of the world 🌍

Believe it or not, most people are nice and are not going out of their way to be rude. We are all different and just need to learn to get along with each other and accept our differences. No point shaming people for their very real struggles. We all have our good and bad points - even people that manage to get to places on time 😛

Most girls with ADD were undiagnosed as they tend to have inattentiveness as an issue and not hyperactivity (which is typical in boys) so they were often overlooked, and undiagnosed. Daydreamer, chatty, careless mistakes in school work - all things that might be ignored.

People who are always late, and expect you to wait for them are wasting your time and are just selfish and thoughtless, I have dumped friends for exactly this, life is too short to hang around for someone too selfish to be on time, also hanging around can be embarrassing, and even dangerous , a woman should never be put in this position, I don't stand for it unless I get texts or a call and the person has a really really good reason and isn't a repeat offender - my time is just as important as theirs

Personally, I abhor people who constantly turn up late and give pathetic excuses for it. If they're 5 minutes late "occasionally" not "always", I can understand but it really annoys me if its a regular thing.

So now, if I know that someone is perpetually late arriving for things, I will intentionally set the arrival time 15 or 30 minutes before I expect them, then when they are 15 or 30 minutes late, they're really on time.

Bangolads
You are right but people derail or use whataboutery to try and distract from the main thread on purpose usually because they feel uncomfortable with the topic and are guilty as charged themselves.

Yanbu I'm always late I don't even know what happens. I say ive got 5 mins and next thing I know I still haven't got shoes on. I think it's a lifetime habit and I'm very disorganised so I find it hard to change kt and I have tried.

But I've adapted to only having fellow late friends because it's easier for me to not have the pressure of someone's angry face when I've failed to get ready on time again.
Perhaps it's easier for you OP to only keep on time friends.

I have a friend who is always late. Drives me mad

If we're meeting at 12, she will text at 12 or ten To 12 and say, sorry, running late. Be there at 12:30. And then turn up at 12:45

Why not text at 11:30 and then i can hang around at home a bit longer?