To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

Why do you think you know better than the medical professionals? They carry out the rigorous assessments and look at someone's whole life and not just from they hit menopause, do you think other health conditions are just menopause too?

No, of course I don't attribute any/all health conditions to menopause. But I do know that I am more informed, up to date and knowledgeable about the menopause than 90% of the medical professionals that I have met.

And, obviously ADHD exists. But I still don't think it a coincidence that so many women are diagnosed with ADHD at the very same time that they're going through the peri menopause/menopause.

The role that our hormones play on our body and psyche is chronically undervalued and misunderstood by so many medical professionals.

We had friends couple who were always about an hour late so everyone started asking them to come an hour earlier. We did get busted the day they came an hour early ‘on time’ but we did have a laugh too. Nothing changed though! Personally I think is very rude not to turn up on time.

It’s weird that people think others are late and that it’s all about them 😂 how does it mean FU to the person if someone’s late? Sounds like people love taking everything personally and should probably get a therapist.

@peaceanddove

And, obviously ADHD exists. But I still don't think it a coincidence that so many women are diagnosed with ADHD at the very same time that they're going through the peri menopause/menopause.

The role that our hormones play on our body and psyche is chronically undervalued and misunderstood by so many medical professionals.

That theory completely disregards the fact that women that age are often diagnosed after many, many years of struggling.

They’ve not been menopausal their entire lives.

Everyone is late occasionally due to unexpected circumstances

I'm actually not. I assume something will go wrong with my journey. This tactic means I'm never late but also means I'm often ridiculously early

Disrespecting others people time is very rude! Hate repeated lateness - it shows Ill manners and you get three strikes with me then I don’t bother anymore

Depends on the reason.
I have no problems keeping to times even though I'm autistic.
My adult step son, however, is also autistic but doesn't come across as such and doesn't tell anyone either due to being bullied at school for being in SEN group. He is bright and intelligent but has absolutely no concept of time. If you tell him something takes 10 minutes it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't understand digital or analogue clock and has issues with even the most basic maths so yes, he is always either late or way too early for everything and makes everyone angry before he even walks in anywhere.

It doesn't disregard that at all. I think that many (not all) are misdiagnosed though.

YANBU - Definitely rude and disrespectful

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

"I have no idea why they don't just get up earlier?!?! It truly baffles me!"

If you're shit at timekeeping it doesn't matter what time you get up. I've managed to be ready hours before I'm supposed to leave and still been late.

It’s entirely possible, I’ve done it before and I can’t even explain how!

As a perpetually late person, I just wanted to say it is not because I don’t value peoples time any less than my own etc. I just can’t seem to get timings right for anything!

@Hertsgirl10

It’s weird that people think others are late and that it’s all about them 😂 how does it mean FU to the person if someone’s late? Sounds like people love taking everything personally and should probably get a therapist.

Well, executive dysfunction aside, there's an element of not respecting another person's time. If you don't have difficulties with organising yourself, and just cba to get somewhere at an agreed time, you are at the very least being inconsiderate of the person who is waiting

I used to have a friend who was always late for everything. We organise ourselves so that we met in a restaurant so I was at least inside. This worked well until one day I forgot which restaurant and arrived 30 minutes late. She was very unhappy. Apparently people had been looking at her and assuming she had been stood up. She accused me of being late deliberately to show her up. We don't see much of each other these days

I just don’t wait for people.

If they aren’t there on time, ive probably moved on. They can catch up with me wherever i am, we all have mobiles. For those who i learn are perpetually late, i rarely arrange anything with them in isolation unless i’m picking them up.

In a professional environment, meetings begin and if the perpetrator asks about something discussed in the missed period, it’s given where i’ve worked to stated, we’ve covered that earlier, i will brief you offline what you missed. As well as the offline chat, is a “why we’re you late” and persistent offenders with no valid reasons, ultimately have their appraisals marked accordingly and impacts their pay long term. I’ve had many reasons over the years, but the best was “there was a body on the line at Ongar” so that got a smile rather than a black mark.

DH had an aunt and uncle who were always late to family gatherings, sometimes by hours. Reached the point where they were given a starting time an hour before the real time. Which worked until they suddenly got their acts together once and arrived an hour early. Awkward

@CheshireChat

Rozziie I don't react like that because I try not to behave like an utter dickhead and I'm sorry other people behave like that .

But what would really help me is actually suggesting/ telling me what I can do practically to help. With your example, I'd think I should slow down whilst talking as I do talk very fast, but I'd also worry about sounding patronising IYKWIM.

So for example, I absolutely cannot handle someone talking at me in a high pressure situation, even (and actually especially) if they are trying to 'help' and even moreso if a lack of focus on my part could be dangerous, e.g. if I'm driving or cooking.

So for example I'm driving and there's an unexpected diversion and I'm trying to follow Diversion signs and plan an alternative route in my head, and someone is rabbiting on at me "why don't you do XYZ", "follow that sign", that will make me either freeze up or explode in rage. It's NOT helpful. I'm already stressed and adding even more input is only ever going to go one way, and it's always badly. I also can't stand it if I'm late and trying to get myself together quickly and someone is talking at me "have you got X thing or Y thing?". Just leave me the heck alone!

I think a lot of neurotypical people think they're being helpful and nice but to an ADHD/autistic person, it feels like someone is adding more and more water to an already overflowing cup. If I tell someone I don't want them to talk to me, I really do mean it!

AYBU? Not if it's a value judgement on people with exactly the same brain make up as you. But yes if you're saying that ADHD etc isn't a valid medical condition which includes this 'trait'. Trust me, it's harder living with it day in day out for your whole life than it is occasionally being the waitee!

Those who don't have the problem assume that those who do can fix it simply by 'trying harder'. This is about the same as saying a diabetic should 'try harder' to not have a hyper if you fed them a fruit smoothie without any insulin.

But don't worry @WTAFhappened123, my life is happier without you, as yours is without me ;)

I understand that people like OP will judge me and brand me lazy, feckless, disrespectful, and not trying hard enough. It's pretty shit for anyone's self-esteem, but I've made my peace with it. I also have to deal with the difficulties of not getting all of these activities done unless there is an actual 'OMG the whole house is going to burn down if this doesn't happen' deadline. It is exhausting, debilitating and on occasion, depressing.

But thanks for assuming it's all about pissing you off on purpose OP. Slow handclap for assuming that everyone on the planet is JUST. LIKE. YOU.

@HeadNorth

It is difficult for everyone to be organised and remember where they put things - especially through the menopause, may I add. But that does not absolve you of making strategies to try and be on time and owning how unleasant your lateness is for the person you have arranged to meet. I am not impressed by the posters throwing up their hands and saying it is too hard for them. It is hard for all of us. But as the previous poster discovered, when your life depends on it, you will make the effort to develop strategies that work. So if you can do that for your own benefit, you can do that for other people. If you care.

Nothing I have read from the late people on this thread makes them sound anything other than entirely self absorbed, with no reflection on or sympathy for how this impacts on those around them. Just like the late people in my life.

This is ableism!!!!

Yes, sometimes it does affect work! I've been fired from jobs for turning up late, for forgetting to do things, not completing tasks, etc.

What part of 'disability' do you not understand?

I'm not stupid, I've got an advanced degree and I work in tech but it took me years to find the kind of job that suited me, where I can work my own hours (within reason) and work at my own pace. People in wheelchairs need accommodations to be able to work, well so do people with autism and ADHD. People aren't just useless because they don't do things exactly the way you think they should.

@Comedycook

Everyone is late occasionally due to unexpected circumstances

I'm actually not. I assume something will go wrong with my journey. This tactic means I'm never late but also means I'm often ridiculously early

This is the behaviour I was referring to and a pp was said is bollocks and doesn't happen. It's putting too much weight on punctuality imo. You obviously disagree but if someone told me they'd spent a ridiculous amount of time waiting just so they were 100% sure they didn't keep me waiting I'd think that was unnecessary and a bit weirdly formal. I can cope if a friend's a bit late and I'd hope they'd do the same for me.

Yes totally agree. I hate being late, I get on edge if I think we will be late for something! However my husband isn’t quite as bothered and takes his time… it infuriates me! Although he wouldn’t dream of being late for work!

Reminds me of the mum in Outnumbered............what am I like?

I always lie to them (friends) by 30 minutes to ensure they are on time & never let them know the truth ‘we’ve got a table booked for 1’ ( is 12.30), ‘the train time is 10’ (is 10.30). They never notice cause they’re so disorganised

Meant to add, if they've never presented with ADHD traits before menopausal age then I do believe that their problem is far more likely to be hormonal.

@MrsBumm

I'm not late for friends.

But I have to struggle against the natural tendency to be late so i think a disposition to lateness is, in fact, a character trait or a cluster of traits. For me I have high optimism (I assume stuff doesn't take very long); plus busyness,and a desire to do lots of things and please lots of people (as @bonbonours said, try and get your kids to the club if you can, because being in a rush is worth it, and there simply isn't the 20 spare minutes so it's be in a rush or don't go at all) ; high tolerance for risk (the traffic might be bad or good, but if its risk it or not go, I'll risk it).

The final trait I think is germane is one that hasn't been mentioned here yet, which is a kind of self-denial or readiness to trample over your own boundaries. I really struggle with self care when it comes to giving myself free time, healthy food, replenishing activities of all kinds. I will run myself into the ground with kids and work. So when I am meeting a friend, in my head that's in the box of " I planned something nice for me". When time crises happen or something has to give, I will very readily react to this by wanting to give up my own comfort. So I could be stuck at work or with a crying child and prioritise them over my waiting friend, as psychologically the friend is waiting "as a treat for me" and I will be the one to lose out on the luxury of a nice activity with her.

I am also good at communicating and prioritising though, so this rarely impacts on my friends. But it's something I have noticed and have to engage with when planning.

Thank you @MrsBumm, this sounds exactly like me. I really don’t set out to be late, and I definitely don’t undervalue my friends. But I know I underestimate the time things take, or how bad traffic will be. And I really do try to do better the next time. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

I don’t do it to be rude or take advantage of people. And I don’t leave them hanging without a text or call.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I am like you, to the T. I do wonder if I'm ADHD, DS was diagnosed a few years ago and I do see similarities now I look at it.

I always aim to be on time but almost every day something happens to delay me. I also always think I can fit another 5 things into the last 10 minutes. Then I'm dashing the 15 mins walk to work. It infuriates me.

Having to get up at 6.30 rather than 7am as DS going to special school by taxi now, so hopefully that will steer things in the right direction. i.e. me not getting to work 5 bloomin' mins late on a regular basis.

I don't think it's a charming habit, under no illusions - its bloody irritating. Have a co-worker who arrives at lunch time for her shift and she's the same...I honestly don't think she means to be late...but is...for work, meals out..etc

People who are early/on time - have you secrets to share which may help?