To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

@HeadNorth

It is difficult for everyone to be organised and remember where they put things - especially through the menopause, may I add. But that does not absolve you of making strategies to try and be on time and owning how unleasant your lateness is for the person you have arranged to meet. I am not impressed by the posters throwing up their hands and saying it is too hard for them. It is hard for all of us. But as the previous poster discovered, when your life depends on it, you will make the effort to develop strategies that work. So if you can do that for your own benefit, you can do that for other people. If you care.

Nothing I have read from the late people on this thread makes them sound anything other than entirely self absorbed, with no reflection on or sympathy for how this impacts on those around them. Just like the late people in my life.

Where on earth did you get the idea the late people on this thread don't try to employ strategies to tackle their lateness?

Or that we don't care about the people we're meeting or the impact on them?

The OP in this thread was about whether lateness was a trait or not.

It wasn't "Are people who are always late actually doing anything to try to remedy it?" or "Do people who are always late care about the impact on other people?"

If it was, you may have learnt about these things.

But instead, you are yet another poster who's making assumptions and then using them as a stick to beat people with. Nice.

Also I am not impressed by the posters throwing up their hands and saying it is too hard for them. It is hard for all of us. Do you have a neurological condition that affects your executive function? No? Then it is more difficult for those who do have one, by definition.

You seem to lack empathy, perhaps you could emply some strategies there, eh?

No thats just being silly.Text when you realise you are late.
Meeting Jane at 10 now its 9.50 and its 30 minutes to get there.Text them now.Dont text at 10.20.And you havent left the house yet. Texting them is not making you late,other stuff has already made you late.
All its doing is giving them a heads up.

My daughter doesn’t have a diagnosis of ADHD, but she has lots of other ND. For her:

She goes out with her friends. I tell her to be home by 9pm (for example). She sets an alarm on her phone at 8:30pm.

Most of the time it’s fine, she’s home by 9, or if she’s going to be late she’ll ring or text. No drama

However, the rest of the time she will either:

Realise she’s going to be late, get flustered, panic and rush home - forgetting to text or ring me.

Or, she’ll remember to text me, open her phone, get distracted by other texts, emails, notifications, etc on her phone (she has issues with those little red number bubbles and has to clear them immediately). Texting me goes out of her head.

A lot of it is dependent on what kind of day she’s had, whether she’s overwhelmed, if her Tourette’s has been awful, she’s distracted by friends, etc.

If I don’t hear from her by the time she’s expected home, I ring her.

@peaceanddove

I'm not remotely surprised that most women are diagnosed with ADHD as they reach middle age - though I'm pretty sure it's actually meno-brain rather than ADHD. Lowering levels of estrogen have a huge impact on your processing skills, recall etc.

Another post minimising ADHD.

Do you have any evidence for this, or do you just not want to believe that ADHD is real for some reason?

@BillyBearSpam

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

A similar thread was done on this not so long ago.

People have genuine reasons for being late. Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, IBS, childcare, pet care as a few examples. It's not personal.

I have 5 out of the 6 disorders/excuses mentioned here, and it's extremely rare that I'm late. You work around your obstacles

@peaceanddove

I'm not remotely surprised that most women are diagnosed with ADHD as they reach middle age - though I'm pretty sure it's actually meno-brain rather than ADHD. Lowering levels of estrogen have a huge impact on your processing skills, recall etc.

Why do you think you know better than the medical professionals? They carry out the rigorous assessments and look at someone's whole life and not just from they hit menopause, do you think other health conditions are just menopause too?

They carry out the rigorous assessments and look at someone's whole life and not just from they hit menopause, do you think other health conditions are just menopause too?

Indeed they do!

I was invited to bring someone who'd known me all my life (e.e. perhaps my mum) to my diagnostic appointment, that wasn't possible so I brought my school reports. This was when I was in my 40s!

So sorry! I didn't meant to post that twice, but HedgeVeg I'm suprised with 5 out of those 6 disorders that you can be so dismissive.

It's like saying that if you've done CBT for Generalised Anxiety Disorder or OCD then you shouldn't struggle with those conditions to a limiting degree any more. And some people on this thread are the kinds of people who would say "Well, they did a CBT course and they're still being ridiculous. They're just a drama queen".

In that scenario, would you enjoy if people jumped on and said "Well, I had anxiety and I did these steps and I'm fine and I get a little anxious but everyone gets anxious. They're not doing the steps right or trying hard enough."

"Well I have depression and it's actually a relief to have resolved my anxiety by following CBT and if people don't find it as useful - they just don't want to feel better.

If you have manageable IBS, surely at some point it was unmanageable when be undiagnosed. And you must have some awareness of people who cannot manage their condition, and still need to go to the toilet or clean up at inappropriate times?

If you've never had problems with your childcare, or children, or pets then it's clear that you're already a well organised person by nature with an effective support structure and your condescension in this thread is hard to swallow. I could be wrong, but I highly doubt you actually have OCD, because you would have more awareness of the impossibility of willing yourself to be different and coming up short every single day.

If other people's perpetual lateness stresses you out, just don't make arrangements to meet with them to go anywhere.

Stick to casual visits eg if they're coming round yours just for a chat and catch up and it doesn't much matter what time they arrive as you're not doing a set lunch/dinner etc. Phone calls, messages too. You're still maintaining the friendship

Don't engage with it. Makes for a much easier life as their lateness won't affect you at all. Simple.

I can't think of a single person in my life where I'm somehow honor-bound to forever wait around on them. I'm not interested in all that and do wonder why people don't take a step back from it

I really hate these threads. I'm not a chronically late person but I do struggle with organisation and losing stuff. I realised today when going into the office for the first time in a while how much extra stress it creates. Conversely I rarely get stressed waiting for people. Grab a coffee, chill with my phone, watch the scenery. I do feel a bit more tolerance helps the world run more smoothly. If you'd rather be hours early than 5 minutes late as some poster said you must have to build in awful lot of contingency into everyday affairs. It's not very efficient. Why do people persist in thinking so badly of people all the time?

A friend of mine with ADHD calls it something else (Her father is Greek so she uses a Greek word). She finds people much more understanding and supportive if they don’t know what it is, rather than the preconceptions some seem to have about ADHD being related to (her words) “badly behaved kids”.

Me: Let's meet at 10.30 at the cafe?
You: Hmm I think I'll struggle to get there by 10.30. Can I text you when I'm about to leave the house and meet you there? [OR] How about you come over to mine and have coffee here instead? [OR] Shall I swing by and pick you up when I'm ready? But I might be a bit late as it takes me ages to get out of the house. [AND] I'll let you know if I'm going to be more than a few minutes late.

Problem solved. Be honest with yourself and your friends and it will all be so much easier.

I really don’t understand people who think it’s unreasonable to find it frustrating and irritating when people are late. Excluding SEN/ADHD, of course it’s irritating to be kept waiting half an hour in a cafe, or standing outside in town somewhere, especially if the late person hasn’t even bothered to text. It doesn’t mean the on-time person has shown up early, or is being inflexible/unsympathetic/judgemental, it just means they’ve kept their plans.

@Thanksihateit

I really don’t understand people who think it’s unreasonable to find it frustrating and irritating when people are late. Excluding SEN/ADHD, of course it’s irritating to be kept waiting half an hour in a cafe, or standing outside in town somewhere, especially if the late person hasn’t even bothered to text. It doesn’t mean the on-time person has shown up early, or is being inflexible/unsympathetic/judgemental, it just means they’ve kept their plans.

Well yes of course. But journey times aren't predictable so to never be late you have, in fact, to be early the vast majority of the time. Of course most people accept this and build contingency into their meet ups but how much contingency depends on how tolerant they are of the risk of being late. If you are very intolerant of lateness then actually you are asking everyone you interact with to build in an absurd amount of contingency, which is disproportionate overall as really the world doesn't end if someone's a bit late. If everyone was reasonably tolerant and everyone was reasonably considerate then no one would have to go to some of the absurd extremes mentioned on the thread (arriving hours early, turning down morning appointments just in case they overrun into the afternoon or whatever). I do think tolerance is underrated compared to consideration. You need both for a happy world.

But people who claim I'm always late for everything, I can't help it are talking bollocks, surely?

Because if you consistently turn up to work late you'll be fired. Presumably most of you hold down a job?

@MadMadMadamMim

But people who claim I'm always late for everything, I can't help it are talking bollocks, surely?

Because if you consistently turn up to work late you'll be fired. Presumably most of you hold down a job?

Well this is bollocks. I have a professional job. I'm in charge of when and where I work. No one fires me if I clock on late any more than they pay me overtime when I'm working into the evening.

I hate it. I hate running late and rushing, I always give myself plenty of time. For other people being late, some people aren't good at managing time or being organised. I don't see them as intentionally rude or feel insulted by it.

@MadMadMadamMim

But people who claim I'm always late for everything, I can't help it are talking bollocks, surely?

Because if you consistently turn up to work late you'll be fired. Presumably most of you hold down a job?

Work is usually something that happens at the same time every day so it's easier to have a plan in place and go through the routine. Having said that, I am often 'late' for work. I aim for 9am but it's sometimes 10 by the time I get there. My office has a no meetings before 10 rule and the working day is flexible so it's a job that suits me and my terrible timekeeping well.

If you are very intolerant of lateness then actually you are asking everyone you interact with to build in an absurd amount of contingency, which is disproportionate overall as really the world doesn't end if someone's a bit late.

This is just nonsense. I'm on time. I expect you to be on time or very close. If you can't get somewhere at the agreed time without being ridiculously early, I expect you to not agree to that time, but to arrange a time that you can be there for. E.g. We agree to meet at ten. You can either get a bus that arrives at 10 or one that arrives at 9.05. You tell me, in advance, make it 10.15 in case my bus is late OR I should be there at 10 but if the bus is late I'll let you know.

Bonus advice: At 09.25 you get to the stop and realise you've missed the bus. You immediately call or text me to let me know. All good.

@JustLyra

A friend of mine with ADHD calls it something else (Her father is Greek so she uses a Greek word). She finds people much more understanding and supportive if they don’t know what it is, rather than the preconceptions some seem to have about ADHD being related to (her words) “badly behaved kids”.

Cunning!

My anxiety doesn't allow me to be late. I remember my dd had an appointment in a hospital in central London. I left a ridiculous amount of time to get there...DH thought I was mad. Well I was proved right. Got to train station, train cancelled. Had to get a mini cab to another station to get a different train. Made appointment in time

I hate it. If you’re late for a genuine reason no problem but let me know so I can use my time wisely too. If you’re late because that’s just who you are then I find it very disrespectful and rude. It infuriates me.

Yanbu

Everyone is late occasionally due to unexpected circumstances. But for those with habitual lateness there are some simple tricks you can use like setting an alarm in your phone fir when you need to get ready to leave. Planning back from the appointment time to estimate what time you need and usually take. And also using empathy to imagine the other person hanging around waiting for you.