To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

[quote BorderlineHappy]@alloalloallo ableism,really.How?

And you’re aware you have dogs. Leave time to see to them. It’s not a massive shock to you ten minutes before you leave the house that you gave dogs.

The dogs didnt just appear from nowhere.You know you have them.

Look we caught short,we all get held up.

But all we are asking is if you are going to be late let us know.

Dont make plans to meet us at 10 in the morning.If you drop your kids at school and the first bus is 10 o clock.
I know this is a shock but other people have shit going on as well.
You leaving them standing there is upsetting for them[/quote]
However, it does just come back to telling someone with ADHD to be more organised. Plenty of people have explained on this thread why that can be so difficult.

@alloalloallo I do understand.
But I'm the one never late and the one left standing there like a lemon
Can you understand that.
It's not fun let me tell you.
I can understand the time getting away from you, explosive diarrhea.
Trains being late.
That I get.
What I don't get is why wouldn't you text the person to let them know.
At what point do you realise you're late.

What I don't get is why wouldn't you text the person to let them know

Poor communication is a seperate issue from perpetual lateness. Please can we not conflate the two.

Personally I always do let people know if I'm late. (Although probably not until too late, for a lot of the people on this thread as I'm still hoping I'm going to be on time until the very last minute).

I'm not going to judge those who are bad at communicating until I understand a bit more about it though.

@alloalloallo

As far as I’m aware that later did not say they had adhd. They said they are habitually late (and mentioned they’re always late for the same people ha ha ha) because they don’t like being early as they dislike being kept waiting.

And the things they mentioned as ‘our of their control’ are not out of their control at all. They are all things which are in their control.

Rozziie I don't react like that because I try not to behave like an utter dickhead and I'm sorry other people behave like that .

But what would really help me is actually suggesting/ telling me what I can do practically to help. With your example, I'd think I should slow down whilst talking as I do talk very fast, but I'd also worry about sounding patronising IYKWIM.

shesellsseacats would it not relieve a bit of the pressure on you if you texted sooner postponing the meet up time? As then you'd get your buffer back and you'd also know no one is being inconvenienced by you. It obviously isn't an option with everything, but in some cases it might help?

These threads turn up every now and again. I have friends who do either. They've done it all their lives, and I can't get that excited about it unless it's to catch a train or make a theatre booking.

They know I will always go ahead, won't wait. I tell them where I will be. I also often build an extra 30 minutes into their schedule. The point is I want to see them. Equally I have one friend who shows up early, sometimes 2 hours early. She knows if I've gone for a run she'll just have to wait, and then wait again while I get showered and organised.
In the grand scheme of things I don't stop finding them funny or loyal or interesting because they showed up a bit late.

[quote BorderlineHappy]@alloalloallo I do understand.
But I'm the one never late and the one left standing there like a lemon
Can you understand that.
It's not fun let me tell you.
I can understand the time getting away from you, explosive diarrhea.
Trains being late.
That I get.
What I don't get is why wouldn't you text the person to let them know.
At what point do you realise you're late.[/quote]
Because that would make me even later and I'm trying really hard to be as quick as I can.
Given a tendency to be really easily distracted, at what point would I sensibly text? Whilst driving the car? Whilst parking? Whilst trying to cross the road?
Given that, like most of us who have held up our hands and said our conditions mean we are disorganised and late, it's only ever 5-10 minutes max.
If I was going to be more than 10 minutes late then I'd pull over somewhere and send a message. If you're finding people aren't doing that, then you probably have to face facts and accept that they really don't like you that much.

It is difficult for everyone to be organised and remember where they put things - especially through the menopause, may I add. But that does not absolve you of making strategies to try and be on time and owning how unleasant your lateness is for the person you have arranged to meet. I am not impressed by the posters throwing up their hands and saying it is too hard for them. It is hard for all of us. But as the previous poster discovered, when your life depends on it, you will make the effort to develop strategies that work. So if you can do that for your own benefit, you can do that for other people. If you care.

Nothing I have read from the late people on this thread makes them sound anything other than entirely self absorbed, with no reflection on or sympathy for how this impacts on those around them. Just like the late people in my life.

The thread title says "It's not a trait, you're just rude"

What people are trying to say here is that for a LOT of people, time keeping and executive function is not a desired style, but a cognitive function some people find difficult. Whether they are neurodiverse or not.

If I went to a psychiatrist, with my current difficulties in time management - but I didn't have other areas of ADHD difficulty, I would be neurotypical. I would not have ADHD. I would still be unable to process time and plan accordingly.

My problems in time management are because I am naturally incredibly poor at time keeping. All of the other poor cognitive functions together create the ADHD disorder. It's not a definitive tick box, like pregnant or not pregnant. ADHD is a complex system of difficulties.

Most poor timekeepers on this thread have talked about how hard they find it, how much it bothers them and the guilt they feel. Again and again they're just told to try harder.

I would never speak to somebody with any physical difficulty and dare to call them lazy because they haven't tried my prescriptive way of managing their health. Some people on here have said that they would never be late, but they used to be. Perhaps the late comers in this thread are your "used" to be. It's possible to be helpful without being rude or dismissive.

Not everyone had parents to show them how to manage themselves. Not everyone knows they are neurodiverse. Not everyone finds it as easy as some people. If you work at the problem, and find your own solutions, maybe it's not easy for you. But it still might be easier than for some people who would find it almost impossible.

And as for those who keep repeating that people should just own up to being late. I would pay good money to see you say to someone:

"Dinner at 6? Perfect, I will probably be late though,"
"Oh right, why? What's happening that day? We can move it to another day?"
"No, I'm just really shit. I want to be there at 6 but I will more likely see you at 6.20."
"Shall we change it to 6.20 then?"
"No, because I will still be late then, just keep it at 6"

The majority of people who make plans sincerely hope that this will be one of those times they do everything right.

It's like telling someone who's clumsy "Hey, have you ever just tried harder at walking?"

"Have you ever just decided to not fall over?"

When we're late - a lot of us have just mentally stumbled. Even if we do it all the time.

If I was going to be more than 10 minutes late then I'd pull over somewhere and send a message. If you're finding people aren't doing that, then you probably have to face facts and accept that they really don't like you that much.

@DontMakeMeShushYou

Wow thats nasty.

I'm generally always late to things unless they're really important appointments like hospital or a job interview. That might make me seem like a dick who thinks meeting a friend isn't important, but the reality is that I have to start getting ready to leave hours before the really important things in order to get there on time and that just isn't practical for day to day things. My brain doesn't work in a way that lets me plan and organise things easily, and even if I somehow manage to plan things well something happens that throws me off like my period starts or my toddler throws up everywhere or I panic about the door being locked and have to go back to check.

My friends know this and we generally arrange a time period to meet, and I keep them updated if/when I'm running late. Luckily for me most of my friends have the same problem so we're understanding!

@BorderlineHappy

If I was going to be more than 10 minutes late then I'd pull over somewhere and send a message. If you're finding people aren't doing that, then you probably have to face facts and accept that they really don't like you that much.

@DontMakeMeShushYou

Wow thats nasty.

Why? You think they are rude and selfish, self-absorbed and inconsiderate. They only care about themselves. They don't value other people's time or feelings. You clearly don't like them very much. Why are you so offended at the idea that they don't like you?

[quote Kanaloa]@alloalloallo

As far as I’m aware that later did not say they had adhd. They said they are habitually late (and mentioned they’re always late for the same people ha ha ha) because they don’t like being early as they dislike being kept waiting.

And the things they mentioned as ‘our of their control’ are not out of their control at all. They are all things which are in their control.[/quote]
What the poster said was

Out of my control (kids PS4 suddenly needs password re-setting or work or the dogs acting up/escaped or little old lady neighbour walks into our building with shopping just as i'm headed out the door)

Shit like that happens to everyone. My dog puked in the hallway when we were on our way out the door this morning. I had plenty of time so I cleared it up and continued on our way.

Getting up earlier, or knowing you have dogs, or being more organised doesn’t stop stuff like this happening. The point is, that for someone already struggling with organisation or timekeeping due to a disability, stuff like that can have a major impact. I can’t find the original poster, just the quoted bit, so I’m not sure whether they are neurodiverse or not.

Personally, I don’t have issues with timekeeping or organisation and am NT. I do have a ND child. We’ve heard all this stuff over and over again - just try to be more organised, just get up earlier, just don’t worry about it, etc, etc.

You think they are rude and selfish, self-absorbed and inconsiderate. They only care about themselves. They don't value other people's time or feelings. You clearly don't like them very much. Why are you so offended at the idea that they don't like you?

Because im there on time and they are not.
And i never said they where rude and selfish. I said i was sick micromanaging my friend and telling her what bus to get to meet me on time.

Also other people have stuff going on in their lives,its not all about you either.Maybe think of the impact of the person waiting.Rather than all this me,me,me.

Given a tendency to be really easily distracted, at what point would I sensibly text? Whilst driving the car? Whilst parking? Whilst trying to cross the road?

No thats just being silly.Text when you realise you are late.
Meeting Jane at 10 now its 9.50 and its 30 minutes to get there.Text them now.Dont text at 10.20.And you havent left the house yet.
Texting them is not making you late,other stuff has already made you late.
All its doing is giving them a heads up.

If you're finding people aren't doing that, then you probably have to face facts and accept that they really don't like you that much.

Woooow

@BorderlineHappy

You think they are rude and selfish, self-absorbed and inconsiderate. They only care about themselves. They don't value other people's time or feelings. You clearly don't like them very much. Why are you so offended at the idea that they don't like you?

Because im there on time and they are not.
And i never said they where rude and selfish. I said i was sick micromanaging my friend and telling her what bus to get to meet me on time.

Also other people have stuff going on in their lives,its not all about you either.Maybe think of the impact of the person waiting.Rather than all this me,me,me.

People on this thread have said all those things about friends who are late, assuming that they don't care about their feelings or their time. I was using the generic 'you' (it's not all about you after all). If people don't care about (generic) your time or your feelings, so much so that if they were going to be more than 10 minutes they still wouldn't bother contacting you, it's not much of a jump to think perhaps they just don't like you. How is it nasty to point that out?

@CheshireChat

shesellsseacats would it not relieve a bit of the pressure on you if you texted sooner postponing the meet up time? As then you'd get your buffer back and you'd also know no one is being inconvenienced by you. It obviously isn't an option with everything, but in some cases it might help?

No, because at - say - an hour before leaving I still hope I'm on time. At - say - 20 minutes to leaving, pretty much every single time I have leave the house to a deadline, I'm in a massive rush, juggling what feels like a zillion things, trying desperately to still leave on time.

At that point I'm in panic mode. My brain feels like it's melting. And I have absolutely no idea at all if I'm going to make it out the door on time or not. Sometimes I do make it out the door on time. Sometimes I don't.

But if I'm still trying to get there on time, I won't know I've failed to meet the target until it's time to leave the door.

This is how I live every day. It's not like I usually leave the house in an orderly fashion, then one day I'm massively rushing so I know I may be late. I live in a world of panic to meet deadlines a lot of the time. (You wouldn't know that by the time I meet you as I cover it well).

@BorderlineHappy

Given a tendency to be really easily distracted, at what point would I sensibly text? Whilst driving the car? Whilst parking? Whilst trying to cross the road?

No thats just being silly.Text when you realise you are late.
Meeting Jane at 10 now its 9.50 and its 30 minutes to get there.Text them now.Dont text at 10.20.And you havent left the house yet.
Texting them is not making you late,other stuff has already made you late.
All its doing is giving them a heads up.

Why is your response relevant to my post? As I said, I would message anyone if I was going to be more than a few minutes late. So I wouldn't be texting at 10.20 if I'd said I'd meet Jane at 10. So what was your point?

I'm not remotely surprised that most women are diagnosed with ADHD as they reach middle age - though I'm pretty sure it's actually meno-brain rather than ADHD. Lowering levels of estrogen have a huge impact on your processing skills, recall etc.

The panic, I mean! I can't cover being late!

@dmifflin

If you're finding people aren't doing that, then you probably have to face facts and accept that they really don't like you that much.

Woooow

Poster: "Oh people who are late are rude and don't care about me"

Me: "Perhaps they don't care about you"

Poster: "Oh, you're so mean and nasty to say they don't care about me"

WTAF???

I said wow.

Don't put words in my mouth.

@peaceanddove

I'm not remotely surprised that most women are diagnosed with ADHD as they reach middle age - though I'm pretty sure it's actually meno-brain rather than ADHD. Lowering levels of estrogen have a huge impact on your processing skills, recall etc.

That's often when they get diagnosed because the added pressures the menopause creates mean that all the coping mechanisms they've put in place over the years suddenly stop working so well and everything falls apart. One of the reasons I'm not on medication for my ADD is because I've recently started on HRT. I'm back to furiously paddling to keep my head above water rather than actually drowning.