To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

And you’re aware you have dogs. Leave time to see to them. It’s not a massive shock to you ten minutes before you leave the house that you gave dogs.

Why would your little old lady neighbour walking in with her shopping make you late? Jesus Christ...

Sorry, getting in a muddle.

Out of my control (kids PS4 suddenly needs password re-setting or work or the dogs acting up/escaped or little old lady neighbour walks into our building with shopping just as i'm headed out the door)

Again, these are totally within you control. You tell your child you don't have time right now to re-set their PS4 password, but will do it later. You already knew you had a dog, yes? You already knew you are rubbish at time keeping, yes? So, start doing anything dog-related much earlier.

I have a freed egos always late. I didn't mind too much until we'd arranged to leave at 9.30 in the morning to go and pick up his new cat. He eventually turned up at 1045 because his sister has cooked him breakfast. I was really annoyed as we were also picking up another cat for someone else and were several hours late meeting him. It was really embarrassing.

I have a friend who is always late. I don’t think she has any last minute issues like you describe, it’s her ‘way’. So if I meet her in a restaurant for dinner I’m sat there for 15-20 mins like an idiot.
As far as I know she’s not late for work and is quite successful in her career to date.
Most of my friends are more or less on time, give it 5 mins.
I’m rarely late and never more than 5 mins and that’s usually cos I’ve realised it’s raining and need a brolly, or similar. I do tend to put a lot of time in place to get sorted so if something arises I can deal with it. I hate being late, I think it’s rude and disrespectful of the other person’s time. However I know out of my friends are the late ones and I try not to be early at least!!

@shesellsseacats

Habitual lateness just translates as SELFISHNESS 95% of the time. They arrange their schedule in a way that best suits them with no regard to how it might inconvenience others.

And you know this... how, exactly?

Through decades of observing this selfish behaviour and seeing right through their nonsense excuses

It is selfish. My friend was shocked that cafe owner was closing at 7. No his day does not revolve around her being late. I find if one person makes me late it effects other apt times in the day. She late for everything!!

@peaceanddove

This morning, for example, I was helping DS find the pens he needed for his pencil case. I had 2 pens and a pencil in my hand. DD then asked for help with the tie on her dress. I put the pens down and as I was doing it I thought, "I know where they are". I tied her dress. Then DS asked for the pens and I HAD NO MEMORY AT ALL of where I put them. None. Finding the pens added time to our morning. There were several similar incidents which all add up.

Why were you sorting out pencils etc this morning? You know you find it hard to manage your time, so why not do this sort of thing the night before? When my DDs were younger their school bags/PE kit etc was always sorted the night before, then hung on their pegs by the back door. I can't bear feeling rushed or being late, so everything that could possibly be done the night before got done. Even if that meant rubbing a bit of polish on their school shoes at 11.30pm.

Also, why couldn't you safely put the pencils in the pencil case before tying your DD's shoelaces? You know you have form for getting in a middle, so just complete one task before moving onto another.

You're implying that you and your circumstances are somehow special. They're not.

No, I'm not implying my circumstances are special. These are normal circumstances.

I'm trying to explain how my brain works differently to a NT person and why what are normal circumstances throw me.

Are you trying to say you don't believe ADHD is real? If so, please go do some research on it, don't take your ignorance out on me. I'm getting a bit fed up with it tbh.

Why was I sorting pencils this morning? Because I totally forgot DS even needed a pencil case. They had been told not to bring them under covid rules last year and DD's school are still saying not to bring them: the school provide everything and they leave it on their desk.

I double checked the email the school sent about timings this morning and saw the thing about pencils in it.

What is different from my brain and a NT brain is I must have read this before but forgot. My brain had muddled DD's school still not having pencil cases and DS's school. And also, that once I put something down I often cannot remember where it is. Much more so than an NTN person.

I tried to get us ready the night before and really thought we were.

Also, why couldn't you safely put the pencils in the pencil case before tying your DD's shoelaces? You know you have form for getting in a middle, so just complete one task before moving onto another.

Distractability is one of the core ways an ADHD brain is different from an NT one.

From this article:

The concept of “distractibility” in ADHD usually means that people are unable to block out unimportant distractions or visual distractions in order to focus on matters at hand. Many children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD absolutely cannot work or pay attention at school if there is the slightest noise – the graphite of the pencil used by the person at the next desk, the footsteps on the stairs or the telephone ringing down the hall.

Others get distracted when something in their visual environment changes. They go upstairs to get a book but discover more distractions. They walk into a room and find themselves exploring all its contents.

Simply put, many people with ADHD lack the “filters” that most people have to block out environmental distractions. Too many sounds and sights come through and compete for their attention.

Many with ADHD have strategies and skills to block out these distractions, only to be snagged by a third type of distraction: their own thoughts. Specialists refer to this syndrome as “internal distractibility.” Too many thoughts compete for the person’s attention. They appear to jump from one topic or activity to a totally unrelated one.

Telling a person with ADHD to "just complete one task before moving on to another" is like telling someone with depression to just cheer the fuck up, or someone with arthritis to just walk a bit faster.

Why I find it hard to focus on one task is something I ask myself but it is simply not how my brain works. Believe me, it's much more frustrating for me to live with than for other people to hear about!

Please, do some research on ADHD as you are being spectacularly unkind here, whether you realise it or not.

@peaceanddove

This morning, for example, I was helping DS find the pens he needed for his pencil case. I had 2 pens and a pencil in my hand. DD then asked for help with the tie on her dress. I put the pens down and as I was doing it I thought, "I know where they are". I tied her dress. Then DS asked for the pens and I HAD NO MEMORY AT ALL of where I put them. None. Finding the pens added time to our morning. There were several similar incidents which all add up.

Why were you sorting out pencils etc this morning? You know you find it hard to manage your time, so why not do this sort of thing the night before? When my DDs were younger their school bags/PE kit etc was always sorted the night before, then hung on their pegs by the back door. I can't bear feeling rushed or being late, so everything that could possibly be done the night before got done. Even if that meant rubbing a bit of polish on their school shoes at 11.30pm.

Also, why couldn't you safely put the pencils in the pencil case before tying your DD's shoelaces? You know you have form for getting in a middle, so just complete one task before moving onto another.

You're implying that you and your circumstances are somehow special. They're not.

Ugh this is SO ableist.

I have ADHD and I try my best to mitigate it by getting ready the night before but there's always something I forget because guess what...I have ADHD! So I'll feel all proud of myself thinking I've packed my suitcase the night before and am all ready to go, then right after I've locked my flat door I'll realise I've forgotten to pack the umbrella which was drying out overnight in the kitchen, or that I forgot to actually put the address of where I'm going into my phone, or whatever. Yes, you can make a to do list but guess what...if you're not neurotypical it's very easy to leave something off the list!

You are being ableist and dismissing a very real disability. One of the worst things about ADHD and related conditions is the perception of individuals who have it as immature, disorganised or lazy. What part of the word disability do you just not understand?

I so identify with so many of the things people say make them late. Particularly putting things down and them disappearing. How?! It was right there! For clarity, I'm quite rarely late as the stress of being late anywhere simply outweighs the effort paranoia it takes to be on time. But the effort and stress are very much real.

For the keys I use two things that work for me- spares that live near the door which can be used as a last resort and then get returned when I get back home. And I used to also have a bag that had an elastic with a key clip so my keys essentially never left my bag. This works well if you don't change bags often or simply have a spare in each.

I also check my card holder is either in its usual spot really early when I still have time to spare so I can track it down if not.

Phone gets put in pocket/bag early on and doesn't get taken out as otherwise I'd misplace it.

If I do lose something, for example I've lost my breakfast bowl like a PP, then I check how much time I can waste looking for it. I either find it or give up and have something else/ go without. It'll turn up eventually.

Things that I need to take with me, especially ones that I don't need everyday get hung on the door.

Oh and I lose stuff too and it takes a massive effort to keep track of what I have with me that day. My 6yo just seems to remember which I secretly find mystifying.

Chronic lateness is not 5-10 mins. Parking, taxi, public transport woes! For me, i would say it is consistently 20 mins or more. One friend is was often an hour late. Inexcusable and i don't meet her any more.

This thread really is awful. I can't work out if people are terribly ignorant or deliberately unkind. You do realise asking someone with adhd to "be better organised" is the same as asking someone with sight issues to "look harder." Honestly I'm embarrassed for you. Please educate yourself better about disabilities.

@CuntAmongstThePigeons Not every late person has disabilities though.
And they are the people who we are talking about.

@CuntAmongstThePigeons

This thread really is awful. I can't work out if people are terribly ignorant or deliberately unkind. You do realise asking someone with adhd to "be better organised" is the same as asking someone with sight issues to "look harder." Honestly I'm embarrassed for you. Please educate yourself better about disabilities.

They are both IMO. I've started asking for accommodations for my ADHD after years of trying to get by without them because why the heck shouldn't I? You should see how people react. Eye rolling, mocking, even borderline abusive comments. I say something like "just to let you know, I do have ADHD, so I'm sometimes a bit slow to process verbal information" and you can see they think I'm making it up for attention or something. It's maddening.

The second someone says “educate yourself” that’s it for me. How pompous .

If someone has a disability that genuinely causes lateness, then I still can’t fathom why a) they would arrange to meet people at set times and b) not have the decency to text them saying they’re delayed. Pulling the “creative” card is incredibly insulting, not to mention ludicrous. “Punctuality is for the little people” to adapt a phrase.

Nearly every late person is thoughtless and does not have unmentionable ADHD. Being late is not just inconsiderate, it is burgling the other person’s time, and can make them incredibly anxious. But they don’t count, I guess. It’s not a top trumps of “ableism” (because you have no idea at all what issues people have behind the screen) but a discussion about whether being habitually late is rude.

@Kanaloa

And you’re aware you have dogs. Leave time to see to them. It’s not a massive shock to you ten minutes before you leave the house that you gave dogs.

Ableism

Also, @peaceanddove, this from your post stands out to me I can't bear feeling rushed or being late.

I absolutely hate it too. But trying not to live like that is the stuggle of my life. But I feel rushed and flustered EVERY DAY before leaving the house, pretty much.

Imagine if your brain was so muddled and forgetful than despite a constant battle to keep on top of things, you lived a lot of your life in a constant state of feeling rushed and late, or of burn out from all the rushing.

In fact, imagine, the only way to get out of the house on time most days, was to be in that rushed state for between 5 - 30 minutes before leaving and then on the entire journey. Every day. That you knew if you just didn't GAF about trying to get to places on time, you could just not put yourself through that torture, and rock up massively late. But because you do care, you put yourself through it every day.

And every day you try to put in place things to stop it happening again the next day. But more often than not you've not managed it and it happens again.

Then a bunch of people rock up and say "oh, you're just selfish for being late". As if you're not there because you were faffing about having a nice coffee but otherwise ready. How I wish I could be that in control of my life! But I'm really not, as my frustrating brain is working against me.

Given you hate feeling rushed, do you have any empathy with people who live a large part of their lives feeling like this, yet they hate it too?

@alloalloallo ableism,really.How?

And you’re aware you have dogs. Leave time to see to them. It’s not a massive shock to you ten minutes before you leave the house that you gave dogs.

The dogs didnt just appear from nowhere.You know you have them.

Look we caught short,we all get held up.

But all we are asking is if you are going to be late let us know.

Dont make plans to meet us at 10 in the morning.If you drop your kids at school and the first bus is 10 o clock.
I know this is a shock but other people have shit going on as well.
You leaving them standing there is upsetting for them

Sorry, pressed post too soon and quoted the wrong post

I meant to quote this one

This thread really is awful. I can't work out if people are terribly ignorant or deliberately unkind. You do realise asking someone with adhd to "be better organised" is the same as asking someone with sight issues to "look harder." Honestly I'm embarrassed for you. Please educate yourself better about disabilities

I agree.

Telling someone with ADHD to “just be better organised” is ableist and offensive. You wouldn’t tell a wheelchair user to “just try harder to walk” would you?

@DottyHarmer

The second someone says “educate yourself” that’s it for me. How pompous .

If someone has a disability that genuinely causes lateness, then I still can’t fathom why a) they would arrange to meet people at set times and b) not have the decency to text them saying they’re delayed. Pulling the “creative” card is incredibly insulting, not to mention ludicrous. “Punctuality is for the little people” to adapt a phrase.

Nearly every late person is thoughtless and does not have unmentionable ADHD. Being late is not just inconsiderate, it is burgling the other person’s time, and can make them incredibly anxious. But they don’t count, I guess. It’s not a top trumps of “ableism” (because you have no idea at all what issues people have behind the screen) but a discussion about whether being habitually late is rude.

Dotty, you really have some chip on your shoulder don't you?!

We talked about ADHD often people being creative upthread, in relation to deadlines at work and someone saying that they work in the creative industries where deadlines can often be more flexible. It was offered as a solution, not a cause.

Absolutely no one used being creative as an excuse for being late.

So why are you pretending people did, and taking offence at it? Or that a group of people being creative is a slight on you?

Also, ADHD people can't win. If we manage to get somewhere on time on occasion, we get people (plenty on this thread) saying "see you can do it when you want to, therefore you just think your time is more important" and then also people like you saying being habitually late is rude.

My ADHD doesn't come and go! I have it all the time.

I don't deny that there are selfish people out there and that there are surely people who are late as they don't GAF.

But you are making statements that you're just plucking out of the air and believing, then using them as a stick to beat others with.

Nearly every late person is thoughtless and does not have unmentionable ADHD

Seriously, how on earth would you know?! Loads of peple have SEN and don't even know it, especially women with ADHD as the diagnostic criteria when we were young was tailored to ADHD in boys, which presents differently.

I had no idea I had it until I was in my 40s. "SEN? Me? No way! I'm just too optimistic about time, sometimes", I would have said.

[quote BorderlineHappy]@alloalloallo ableism,really.How?

And you’re aware you have dogs. Leave time to see to them. It’s not a massive shock to you ten minutes before you leave the house that you gave dogs.

The dogs didnt just appear from nowhere.You know you have them.

Look we caught short,we all get held up.

But all we are asking is if you are going to be late let us know.

Dont make plans to meet us at 10 in the morning.If you drop your kids at school and the first bus is 10 o clock.
I know this is a shock but other people have shit going on as well.
You leaving them standing there is upsetting for them[/quote]
I actually managed to quote the completely wrong post and post too soon - phone keeps freezing.

@Buffoonborisisatwat

What about those annoying people who are consistently EARLY! Say you agree to meet them at say 1 o'clock and they arrive at 1230 and make you feel guilty for keeping them waiting. How bloody rude is that?

This has never ever happened to me in all my 46 years. Are you a defensive late person? 🤣