To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

Agree OP. It's not funny at all. It is rude.

Everybody has unexpected things happen sometimes that make them late: bad traffic on long journeys, the difficulty of leaving the house with young children. So I'd absolutely cut people slack in rare/ understandable and temporary situations.

If somebody is perennially late as a matter of habit that is a failure of theirs in being able to become an adult and respect other people. Effectively they are communicating that they believe it's fine for everybody else to wait around for them which is incredibly disrespectful of the value of other people's time.

I mean, most people who are genuinely bad time keepers and not just rude DO have some sort of cognitive impairment. Otherwise they'd be able to manage time, wouldn't they?

@Rozziie 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

No.

Half of my family have ASD or ADHD or both. The other half don't. There's no correlation between their conditions and their timekeeping.

Some of the people with conditions may struggle with it more because of their conditions. Some who have conditions manage it absolutely fine.

Some who are neurotypical have missed flights and fail to turn up on time for anything. It's a combination of laziness, selfishness, and a lack of respect for other people.

I am so sick of every issue deacribed on MN being met with "oh they must be neurodivergent!". It's so insulting to many of us who are, and who actually understand that neurodivergency doesn't determine specific negative behaviours or deficiencies that so many seem to keen to attribute to us.

@TurnTowardsTheSun

I mean, most people who are genuinely bad time keepers and not just rude DO have some sort of cognitive impairment. Otherwise they'd be able to manage time, wouldn't they?

@Rozziie 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

No.

Half of my family have ASD or ADHD or both. The other half don't. There's no correlation between their conditions and their timekeeping.

Some of the people with conditions may struggle with it more because of their conditions. Some who have conditions manage it absolutely fine.

Some who are neurotypical have missed flights and fail to turn up on time for anything. It's a combination of laziness, selfishness, and a lack of respect for other people.

I am so sick of every issue deacribed on MN being met with "oh they must be neurodivergent!". It's so insulting to many of us who are, and who actually understand that neurodivergency doesn't determine specific negative behaviours or deficiencies that so many seem to keen to attribute to us.

But that's literally what I said?!? Genuine 'poor timekeeping' is quite a specific problem which means you genuinely struggle to keep track of time and have a poor sense of time passing, and those things point to neurodivergency or cognitive issues. That's totally different to being rude or selfish and just not bothering because you expect people to wait for you.

I never said ALL neurodivergent people are late - in fact, I specifically said that I never am because I've learned to build in a buffer to ensure that even with the inevitable last-minute faffing around, I'm still not keeping other people waiting. I said that genuine time keeping issues generally do point to ADHD or related conditions. I know people who with all the best will in the world are always a bit late to everything. They hate it, they beat themselves up over it, it affects their self esteem but they just don't seem to be able to get it together on time. That is very different to people who expect others to wait for them because their time is more valuable - that's intentional.

@AntiSocialDistancer

If people don't want to be friends with me I totally understand. Like I said, I'm not that late a person any more, but I feel like a former shell of myself, restricting my commitments right down in order to function. I hope all the shitty commentators here (not you at all BlueSky) feel heartened that I can't work, struggle to socialise, volunteer etc as I can't bear any form of criticism at the minute if I am late or forgetful. I've shut myself off from most people.

I'm in a very similar boat to you, former shell, cutting self off, feeling worthless and seeing some of posters making shitty comments has been upsetting. I'll be taking a MN break myself .I hate myself enough without any extra help.

I'm sorry you're struggling too but if it makes you feel even just a tiny bit better, you aren't alone and I've related to a lot of your posts you're more than welcome to message if you'd like an online friend (who totally understand if you forget to reply) I don't post much at all (because it takes fucking ages to make myself make sense) but wanted to say you've been great giving your time and energy when some people don't deserve it

I forgot this happened.
At a seaside town, big radio and papers advert, anyone at clock by 11 am got £50 vouchers for free food at new hotel opening in the area.
Loads of us arrived and qued up and got the vouchers. As the clock struck they cut off the que, including anyone who rounded the corner.
About 30 seconds later another crowd arrived and were told they were late, so got nothing. I was shocked at how some people acted when told No. We hung around for a while as there was a live broadcast, by 11.30 there was a well over 50 late comers, who caused a scene, one even tried to snatch vouchers from someone.
Point is being late means you lose.

I actually find it quite insulting that on Mumsnet quite often if a child is misbehaving or playing up that lots of people pounce and say they might have ASD or ADHD, there must be a reason, they can't just be a pain in the arse kid that needs boundaries

The same seems to be happening on this thread.
If someone can't get their shit together and leave the house on time they must have anxiety/asd/dispraxia/depression/adhd.......

Yes some people do, and it really affects their organisational skills.
But not everyone.
It's not fair to assume that they must have a condition that is causing it. Plenty of people with the above conditions manage to get themselves organised and to places on time, and put the time and effort into planning to get someone on time.

Some people are simply just thoughtless and tardy and don't care that they are keeping people waiting while they dick about hanging washing up or taking the bins out, looking for their shoes/coat/keys/whatever... some people really do just need to get their act together and stop being selfish.

@NigellaSeed

All this "selective lateness" stuff is bull. As I said, I'm late for everything. Including work. I'm late for work alot of the time. I hate it. How is that thinking my time is more valuable, if I got fired for it? It's usually only 5-10 mins. And if it's particularly bad, i.e over 5 mins, I would call ahead. I always apologize if I'm late, and I'm not laughing it off. So I think the people who are annoyed at the rudeness of being late, are actually annoyed at people who are just rude and happen to be late. Not everyone does "being late" like an arsehole.

Being consistently 5 mins late is inexcusable. You managed to not be 20 mins late so apply that effort for the last 5 minutes.

[quote UserNameNameNameUser]@DroopyClematis

"I'm sorry Mrs Clematis, yes I know you've been prepped for surgery , but the surgeon has a condition that affects his time-keeping. I'm sure he/she won't be too long.!"

Happened to me. Anesthetist got the day of my surgery wrong.

"Hi! I'm just checking in for the two o'clock flight to Alicante."
"Ah, Mrs Clematis, the pilot is running late as he's suddenly realised it takes more than 20 minutes to shower, dress and pack."

Happened to me. Almost every other week on my commuter flight. Flight crew would pile through security much then worse for wear from the night before (0530 flight)

Arriving at a supermarket, to find it shut because the key holder is running a bit late.

Yup. More than once.

Sorry Mrs Clematis Junior, you can't enter the exam hall now as the exam started half an hour ago!"

OK on this one it was me that was late. No problems. I was allowed to sit the exam in the professors study instead. They even gave me a cup of tea.[/quote]
Wow. Don't you have bad luck

@AveryGoodlay

Should we do that before or after we've stood in the rain for 45 minutes waiting for you to turn up? Surely you'd call them to find out what time they'll be there and either say you can't stay that late and rearrange or go somewhere dry and ask them to call when they are there? Surely no one would genuinely stand in the rain for 45 minutes?! And surely no decent parent would make stand in the rain (or anywhere) with their baby whilst the baby is in discomfort as per pps? Wouldn't they just go somewhere they could attend to their baby's needs?

Oh so it's the waitee's fault?

Surely you'd call them to find out what time they'll be there

Surely it's the person whose fault it is who makes the effort to make the call. Not the person who is being stood up. Whether there's an exceptional reason or just someone who isn't bovvered, there's no reason to compound the rudeness by putting the onus onto the person who has done nothing wrong

@CuntAmongstThePigeons

The ableism on this thread is really uncomfortable to read. I'm gobsmacked that people cannot see how offensive they're being, or how little imagination they have for seeing how other people function. No surprise I suppose, seeing as we know there's a clear link between neurodiversity and creativity but still mad to see quite so clearly in action.

It's everywhere, isn't it? There's just absolutely no understanding at all.

I'm autistic and I need to mentally run through every step of something in my head in order to be able to cope with it. Something unexpected will absolutely throw me and often make me freeze. It can be something most people consider 'small'. Yesterday I had to go and take an exam. I'd run through in my head all the steps mentioned in the email about where to go, where the lockers were to leave your bag, etc. Then I was unexpectedly told to pull my mask down to show my face to the centre staff and this caused panic because I really dislike touching my mask without sanitising my hands, but I'd already left my sanitiser in the locker. I also had my arms full of stuff for the exam (paper, pens, a book) and the woman didn't offer to take it for me, so I was really flustered looking for somewhere to put it down and the woman got angry and barked at me.

This is a typical example of something that would have been so trivially easy for a neurotypical person that they wouldn't even have thought twice about it, but it completely threw me because I hadn't expected it. And as usual, I was treated with scorn and derision, as if I was an idiot because I had to suddenly make a bunch of new decisions I hadn't accounted for (should I find my sanitiser first? No I can't - there are people waiting behind me, can't hold them up. Is there any around here? Can't see any. Can't pull mask down while holding stuff - I have poor coordination and will drop it. Can I ask this woman to hold it for me? She's not very friendly or kind. Will it be OK to leave it on this table? etc. etc.)

I did try to explain this after the exam but they did that typical thing of just completely dismissing it and acting as if I was ridiculous because 'everyone else managed fine'. This is ableism. Imagine telling someone in a wheelchair 'everyone else managed to walk up the stairs'. They just truly don't get it.

My SIL is always late. Most memorable is when she was due at ours at 2PM for a family get together and didnt arrive till 9.30pm (with her toddler in tow). We hadnt been able to do anything waiting for her to show up and she wasnt answering her phone other than a text at the time she would have needed to leave saying she is running late.

By the time she got to us our kids were in bed already. Turned out she wanted to wait for her DP to get up before she left, but he had come off night shift so slept all day (obviously) whereas she needed to leave by 12pm to get to us for 2PM.

I mean, that is just rude!

This is a typical example of something that would have been so trivially easy for a neurotypical person that they wouldn't even have thought twice about it,

How do you know that?

I feel like judgement goes both ways on this thread. Which is fine, we're human, we all judge.

Regardless of the reason, perpetual lateness is rude.

Yes some people have conditions which makes it difficult to keep track of time. Actually people do accept that on this thread.

What they (I) don't accept is that grown women with families haven't learnt, by the age of 30 or 40 or 50 to develop strategies to help them get to places when they need to be there; and in fact we know they have, because nearly all of them will make it on time for a flight or medical appointment - because they have to. So I'm back to my original point - you simply don't think your meetings with your friend is important enough to make the effort.

And given everyone has a mobile phone these days they can call or text to say they are running late rather than leaving a friend hanging around. In the days before mobile phones you'd be hanging around for half an hour wondering if you were in the right place, if you had the right time or whether your "friend" was even coming.

2 of the people I know who are the worst late comers, always turn up full made up, with blown and curled hair and a picked out outfit and accessories. They rush in saying some disaster had happened to make them late and I always wonder why amongst all that, they managed to spend an hour getting ready.

And as for the accusation that people are unempathetic and can't understand that some people have different sort of work environments, well my experience is of pretty harsh work environments where every mistake is jumped on. I am not a teacher, but you have to be on time for your lessons. If you work in a shop or library, you have to be on time to open up.

If you do have a "cuddly" job where nobody cares about timekeeping or deadlines that is great, but I think they are few and far between. And even if you work for yourself, you presumably still have to (and do) meet deadlines.

My favourite is receiving a text at the meeting time saying 'I'm running 10 mins late'.

The text should have been sent before I left my sodding house! Does my head in.

I have a particular friend that I text and say 'text me when you've left your house'.

I should have to do that!

I always aim to be on time but in truth I'm a poor judge of how long anything can take. Plus I have a bad habit of adding in as many tasks as possible in any situation. So this combination can mean I'm late. I probably need to learn to arrive early and sit and wait but I'd find it agitating. It wouldn't occur to me that someone would be cross for me not being there when they arrive, as I don't get annoyed very often...I would much prefer someone to be late than early when coming to my home. Maybe that's just me.

@8Sense8

I always aim to be on time but in truth I'm a poor judge of how long anything can take. Plus I have a bad habit of adding in as many tasks as possible in any situation. So this combination can mean I'm late. I probably need to learn to arrive early and sit and wait but I'd find it agitating. It wouldn't occur to me that someone would be cross for me not being there when they arrive, as I don't get annoyed very often...I would much prefer someone to be late than early when coming to my home. Maybe that's just me.

That would irritate me.

Do you don't like being early and waiting, so you expect everyone else to wait for you! So arrogant.

@lockdownmadnessdotcom

And as for the accusation that people are unempathetic and can't understand that some people have different sort of work environments, well my experience is of pretty harsh work environments where every mistake is jumped on. I am not a teacher, but you have to be on time for your lessons. If you work in a shop or library, you have to be on time to open up.

If you do have a "cuddly" job where nobody cares about timekeeping or deadlines that is great, but I think they are few and far between. And even if you work for yourself, you presumably still have to (and do) meet deadlines.

If you do have a "cuddly" job where nobody cares about timekeeping or deadlines that is great, but I think they are few and far between. And even if you work for yourself, you presumably still have to (and do) meet deadlines

This is what I don’t get. People are saying they have creative jobs and don’t have deadlines, every job has a deadline, that’s what a job is, you produce something that needs to go to someone for a certain date or time. I work in the creative industry and at the moment I’m WFH but I still have to edit and get graphics and photos/videos out to deadlines. What jobs are people doing where they can just bung out stuff Willy nilly?

Perhaps Youtube ‘influencers’?

Hours late is obviously disrespectful. Who wouldn't be annoyed by that blatant disregard for others. (There's surely a whole back story there from her side re whether she really wanted to attend).

It wouldn't phase me in the slightest if someone arrived at 10:35 or 10:38 for a 10:30 meet up. I'd expect a text for 10:45 lateness and wpuld roll with it. Life is just too short. I have two lovely neighbours. We all get things done effectively. But one neighbour will open her calendar/diary to fit you in for a cuppa and needs 2 months notice (no exaggeration). You couldn't be 5 minutes late for her. The other neighbour and I love the spontaneity of a chat over the fence. Both lovely women with different approaches. It doesn't make one better than the other. Just different.

@SpnBaby1967

My SIL is always late. Most memorable is when she was due at ours at 2PM for a family get together and didnt arrive till 9.30pm (with her toddler in tow). We hadnt been able to do anything waiting for her to show up and she wasnt answering her phone other than a text at the time she would have needed to leave saying she is running late.

By the time she got to us our kids were in bed already. Turned out she wanted to wait for her DP to get up before she left, but he had come off night shift so slept all day (obviously) whereas she needed to leave by 12pm to get to us for 2PM.

I mean, that is just rude!

I have a relative that does this - well they are a couple.

They always turn up to things 2-3 hours late and act like nothing has happened.
No kids. No high pressure jobs. They are just fucking scatter brained and care more about hair and makeup and a million outfit changes.

After several occurrences of this I stopped making any effort whatsoever to wait or chase them up.

If we are doing food or anything i don't wait, I tell everyone to tuck in, then leave the buffet table or whatever looking ransacked and bare for when they arrive so they can see they've been rude and i don't offer to make anything else.

It's just not ok and I refuse to give them the attention.

I have a particular friend that I text and say 'text me when you've left your house'.
@Chartreusegreen
I used to have a friend like that.Used to.
Im not their mother,its not up to me to micromanage them.
The last straw was we missed the bus and which meant by the time we got to the pub they had stopped serving food.
We had to leave teh pub and go and get food.By then i wasnt in the mood to stay out and i went home.Last time i went out with her.
Which was a pity but i just couldnt micromanage her anymore

I dont think the latees understand our point of view.How it feels to be left waiting for someone.If they text when they realised they where running late i could decide to go or not.Its when they text an hour after they should have been there,that pisses us off.

@Chartreusegreen

This is a typical example of something that would have been so trivially easy for a neurotypical person that they wouldn't even have thought twice about it,

How do you know that?

I feel like judgement goes both ways on this thread. Which is fine, we're human, we all judge.

Regardless of the reason, perpetual lateness is rude.

Because that's what the woman said to me! "Nobody else had a problem" sort of attitude. And they didn't, did they? Because most people have no problem pulling down a mask to show their face, they just do it. They aren't standing paralysed in indecision for 30 seconds wondering what to do next.

How is that judgement on my part?