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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

999 replies

username4s · 05/09/2021 20:21

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 06/09/2021 20:07

This thread is extraordinary.

If, as pps have suggested, that 1 in 7 of the population have a syndrome/disorder that affects their timekeeping, the country, and indeed, the world would be in a mess.

"I'm sorry Mrs Clematis, yes I know you've been prepped for surgery , but the surgeon has a condition that affects his time-keeping. I'm sure he/she won't be too long.!"

"Hi! I'm just checking in for the two o'clock flight to Alicante."
"Ah, Mrs Clematis, the pilot is running late as he's suddenly realised it takes more than 20 minutes to shower, dress and pack."

Arriving at a supermarket, to find it shut because the key holder is running a bit late.

Sorry Mrs Clematis Junior, you can't enter the exam hall now as the exam started half an hour ago!"

It's just not on.

Yes, everyone is late for important appointments/meetings etc... on the odd occasion, but this thread was primarily about unnecessary tardiness or so I thought.

To be late, every single time, is not acceptable.

I was fed up of hearing about a parent who rocked up to school at half nine, ten etc... and excuses were always, 'couldn't find their shoes, got up late, wasn't feeling it!!!"

I cannot believe that 6 out of 7 of people should be put out because of 1 out of 7 of us just can't get their act together.

Kanaloa · 06/09/2021 20:08

So I didn’t misquote you to make my point then. You just decided to quote me and patronisingly wonder whether I had reading comprehension because I disagreed with you that consistent lateness is acceptable.

As I said, I don’t think we’ll agree. Hopefully your ways work for you, and happily mine work for me.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 06/09/2021 20:16

At least I was gracious in explaining that we were talking at cross purposes. Hey ho!

UserNameNameNameUser · 06/09/2021 20:22

@DroopyClematis

"I'm sorry Mrs Clematis, yes I know you've been prepped for surgery , but the surgeon has a condition that affects his time-keeping. I'm sure he/she won't be too long.!"

Happened to me. Anesthetist got the day of my surgery wrong.

"Hi! I'm just checking in for the two o'clock flight to Alicante."
"Ah, Mrs Clematis, the pilot is running late as he's suddenly realised it takes more than 20 minutes to shower, dress and pack."

Happened to me. Almost every other week on my commuter flight. Flight crew would pile through security much then worse for wear from the night before (0530 flight)

Arriving at a supermarket, to find it shut because the key holder is running a bit late.

Yup. More than once.

Sorry Mrs Clematis Junior, you can't enter the exam hall now as the exam started half an hour ago!"

OK on this one it was me that was late. No problems. I was allowed to sit the exam in the professors study instead. They even gave me a cup of tea.

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/09/2021 20:27

[quote UserNameNameNameUser]@DroopyClematis

"I'm sorry Mrs Clematis, yes I know you've been prepped for surgery , but the surgeon has a condition that affects his time-keeping. I'm sure he/she won't be too long.!"

Happened to me. Anesthetist got the day of my surgery wrong.

"Hi! I'm just checking in for the two o'clock flight to Alicante."
"Ah, Mrs Clematis, the pilot is running late as he's suddenly realised it takes more than 20 minutes to shower, dress and pack."

Happened to me. Almost every other week on my commuter flight. Flight crew would pile through security much then worse for wear from the night before (0530 flight)

Arriving at a supermarket, to find it shut because the key holder is running a bit late.

Yup. More than once.

Sorry Mrs Clematis Junior, you can't enter the exam hall now as the exam started half an hour ago!"

OK on this one it was me that was late. No problems. I was allowed to sit the exam in the professors study instead. They even gave me a cup of tea.[/quote]
What are the chances...

StoneofDestiny · 06/09/2021 20:31

What about those annoying people who are consistently EARLY!

I'm always early - I detest being late, or rushing.
Nobody I am meeting would ever know that. I carry a book everywhere I go, and I'd be reading it til the person I am meeting arrives. I'd never tell anybody I was early - why would I? My choice.

UserNameNameNameUser · 06/09/2021 20:33

@GreyhoundG1rl about 100% I would have thought. They’re not exactly uncommon occurrences.

Graphista · 06/09/2021 20:42

Barring serious illness/disability yes it's ignorant and rude

I aim to be somewhere 10-15 mins "early" as generally speaking that then builds in time for any last minute "emergencies", if I'm going somewhere I haven't been before I'll check travel time online and if it's not too far do a "recce" eg for a job interview I'll do a dry run, at the time I'll be travelling (cos traffic flow and public transport timings vary especially in rush hour), check what parking is like etc. If it's somewhere far I'll take the average travel time and allow an extra 25%

I've had friends and work colleagues who've been pretty bad for lateness.

I've been a "boss" at times and I'll willingly admit if someone is late for a job interview I was far less inclined to hire them, especially if references alluded to timekeeping/reliability issues.

The worst experience on this score though was when I went for a job and the INTERVIEWER was 2 hours late! And they were on the premises, no emergency just a dick! I was young or I'd have walked, the interview was poorly conducted too but I was too lacking in confidence to say anything at the time. I didn't take the job though I knew the person that did - they very quickly regretted doing so and left. High staff turnover at this place understandably so.

But by far the worst for me are my mother and sister!

My sister I am now nc with. Not because of this but it was one of the lesser (in the grand scheme) of her faults as to why. Never just a few mins late repeatedly several hours!

She has had social services involvement and lost jobs as a result of her attitude to life in general and to being on time in particular. Social services as she was repeatedly 2-3 hours late getting kids to school, if she was going to be even later than this she'd call them in sick even though they weren't sick.

Jobs she would be on time for interviews, and on time to start work for the first few weeks or even a few months, then the more comfortable she got, the later she'd be each day, full of excuses and then eventually she'd be sacked...but it was NEVER her fault, nothing ever is everything is always someone else's fault!

My mum isn't quite as bad as my sister but I manage her by telling her the time she needs to be somewhere is 60-90 mins earlier than the true time and several relatives have since copied me and that seems to get her there roughly on time. She underestimates how long a task will take or how long a journey will take.

She's absolutely adamant a particular journey she takes a few times a week "takes 10 minutes on the dual carriageway" when it in fact takes about 20 once actually on the carriageway and she doesn't account for the time it takes her to...get her coat and shoes on, find her bag, fetch her keys/phone/purse into the bag, lock the door, get into car, drive to carriageway, drive from carriageway to where she parks...

And that's IF she doesn't at the last minute decide to wash the dishes or put a load of laundry on the line or whatever 🙄

It's maddening but she's in her mid 70's she isn't going to change now!

Certainly anyone I've dated or been at start of a friendship with and they're perpetually late I'm not interested in developing that relationship.

As I've got older I've stopped even waiting about for such people. I'll wait 20 mins unless I'm eating a meal and then I'll wait 20 mins before ordering, doesn't bother me eating out alone. If I'm not eating and it's a meet and go type thing then I go on with my day.

Very rare they get arsey with me as they know they were late and it was their own fault.

I find it particularly rude especially in this day and age if they also don't contact you to tell you they're going to be late. It's so easy to do these days and let's be honest if you are meant to be meeting someone 20 mins away and 20 mins before the meeting time you're still faffing at home you KNOW you're going to be late so let people know.

I have one of the conditions mentioned as an acceptable "excuse" ocd, I also have a physical disability that means I can no longer move very fast and can come across issues of accessibility - I plan and account for these. Not hard.

AveryGoodlay · 06/09/2021 21:00

Should we do that before or after we've stood in the rain for 45 minutes waiting for you to turn up? Surely you'd call them to find out what time they'll be there and either say you can't stay that late and rearrange or go somewhere dry and ask them to call when they are there? Surely no one would genuinely stand in the rain for 45 minutes?! And surely no decent parent would make stand in the rain (or anywhere) with their baby whilst the baby is in discomfort as per pps? Wouldn't they just go somewhere they could attend to their baby's needs?

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/09/2021 21:02

@AveryGoodlay

Should we do that before or after we've stood in the rain for 45 minutes waiting for you to turn up? Surely you'd call them to find out what time they'll be there and either say you can't stay that late and rearrange or go somewhere dry and ask them to call when they are there? Surely no one would genuinely stand in the rain for 45 minutes?! And surely no decent parent would make stand in the rain (or anywhere) with their baby whilst the baby is in discomfort as per pps? Wouldn't they just go somewhere they could attend to their baby's needs?
Why is it on the one who's actually where they should be to chase up the one who isn't? The phone call should be coming the other way.
Blueskyrainshowers · 06/09/2021 21:07

@AveryGoodlay

Should we do that before or after we've stood in the rain for 45 minutes waiting for you to turn up? Surely you'd call them to find out what time they'll be there and either say you can't stay that late and rearrange or go somewhere dry and ask them to call when they are there? Surely no one would genuinely stand in the rain for 45 minutes?! And surely no decent parent would make stand in the rain (or anywhere) with their baby whilst the baby is in discomfort as per pps? Wouldn't they just go somewhere they could attend to their baby's needs?
It's a figure of speech.

And honestly, despite my sympathy for people who can't be on time, I would not put myself in that position and I doubt I'd rearrange
I'll continue making loose arrangements with friends as suggested by antisocialdistancer because that seems doable, but I'm not up for waiting, with or without kids, do the activity without them and arrange to do time critical meetings with friends who can cope with them without getting all of us stressed.

RightYesButNo · 06/09/2021 21:23

This just isn't true although I'm genuinely very happy for you that you are able to function like this in a way that's sustainable. I'm a member of many ADHD Facebook groups and there are many, many people with really serious chronic health conditions that they do not have the ability to manage as you manage yours. For the most part, most of them don't manage to pull this kind of thing off, probably because they are more seriously affected by their ADHD than you are or because they have other comorbidities which just mean they have more to deal with. And most of them suffer the very consequences you describe. Some have missed so many appointments, cancer that could have been treated has become terminal cancer by the time they manage to actually get to a doctors. It's heartbreaking. Not all disabilities can be overcome by simply upping your effort levels although again, I'm genuinely happy for those that are able to make changes they are able to sustain.

@trickytrooky I mean, this IS sort of my point. I don’t want to get in a hefty fight, but you don’t know how badly I suffer with executive function issues, and you don’t know my co-morbidities. But it was an issue of:

  • find SOME way, or
  • die a terrible death (without constant medication and monitoring, my muscles will no longer function, and I will suffocate)

Someone put a comment saying something along the lines, “If I held a gun to your head and said you had to be on time, you’d be on time, so this proves people can do it if they choose.” I think this is much too simplistic; I won’t pretend I didn’t need support to come up with systems and I don’t need lots of systems. And I do have systems fail. But that’s why I have back-ups. The metaphorical gun WAS to my head, so I can’t pretend that’s not what happened to me. At the beginning, I had to have someone call me on the telephone as a double-back-up to my SECOND alarm when it was time to leave for an appointment. And I won’t pretend I’m very organized now. I’m not, at all! I just know I absolutely must leave the house when I must leave.

If you know more than one person who is in such a serious situation that they’ve missed so many two-week pathway appointments that treatable cancer has become terminal… I feel so sad that they didn’t ask someone in their life, or anyone in the group you share if they don’t have someone else, to call or text them when it was time to leave for their appointment. Or one hour before and then at leaving time.

I fully accept not everyone can tackle this alone, even as an adult. But if so, then it’s up to us to admit that and ask for help.

Kanaloa · 06/09/2021 21:54

In my experience it’s absolutely not common for surgeries to be delayed because the anaesthetist ‘got the day wrong’ or to wait outside the supermarket because the key holder was late, or to be late on a flight because you personally saw the pilot and the crew roll up wrecked after a night out.

I fly often and have unfortunately had quite a few surgeries and have never experienced this. Perhaps I’ve just been very lucky or I live in an unusually time conscious area.

DroopyClematis · 06/09/2021 21:55

@UserNameNameNameUser @GreyhoundG1rl
I admire the fact that you've both managed to find your own excuses for the examples I've quoted and hats off to you but the vast majority of people should not be put out by a minority of people who just can't get their act together.

I'm with the OP who is fed up of someone who is always late . Being neurodiverse is not an excuse. Sometimes yes, but not every single time.

Too many people are looking to excuse their ' oh I'm sorry I'm a bit late but I forgot to put the bins out" attitude.

Otherwise there's no point in arranging to meet up at a certain time. Let's all just agree to meet up , whenever, and just stand around forever.

Had a friend once who just couldn't turn up , on time, to a gymnastics club. Always late, always.
There was a cafe in the building that parents could go to during the class.
Our friendship group of four, would always take it in turns to get coffees. My ex friend was ALWAYS last to join in.

When , on the last occasion , we dared to wait for her ( another of our group , a dad, said that we shouldn't let her get away with it and just wait for her) she came to our table and exclaimed shock that we hadn't got the drinks in! The dad said " we thought you might like to buy the drinks this time as we've bought them since the beginning of the year ( other mum and I were secretly pleased but were still cringing)

Tardy friend replied " oh of course , yes! "
Guess what... she couldn't find her purse.

Kanaloa · 06/09/2021 21:58

And if your local supermarket has not been opened at opening time ‘more than once’ that’s extraordinary. I work for a supermarket and even if someone is late for the early shift there are always other people, so it would need to be a serious emergency for the entire supermarket to be opened late.

Graphista · 06/09/2021 21:58

Those of us who aren't regularly late it's NOT instinctual we don't miraculously know what time to leave to be on time we make the effort to consider all the factors and work it out. It's no easier for us than it is for any other healthy adult

To have a friend you need to be a friend.

Totally agree with this

I also like

"Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine"

Aka

"Your fuck up ain't my problem to solve!"

@Babdoc very tempting your suggestion. Ime people who are perpetually late massively kick off if you DARE be more than 5 mins late for them! OR They're STILL not there when you do show up so it's had no effect on them

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/09/2021 22:06

[quote DroopyClematis]**@UserNameNameNameUser* @GreyhoundG1rl*
I admire the fact that you've both managed to find your own excuses for the examples I've quoted and hats off to you but the vast majority of people should not be put out by a minority of people who just can't get their act together.

I'm with the OP who is fed up of someone who is always late . Being neurodiverse is not an excuse. Sometimes yes, but not every single time.

Too many people are looking to excuse their ' oh I'm sorry I'm a bit late but I forgot to put the bins out" attitude.

Otherwise there's no point in arranging to meet up at a certain time. Let's all just agree to meet up , whenever, and just stand around forever.

Had a friend once who just couldn't turn up , on time, to a gymnastics club. Always late, always.
There was a cafe in the building that parents could go to during the class.
Our friendship group of four, would always take it in turns to get coffees. My ex friend was ALWAYS last to join in.

When , on the last occasion , we dared to wait for her ( another of our group , a dad, said that we shouldn't let her get away with it and just wait for her) she came to our table and exclaimed shock that we hadn't got the drinks in! The dad said " we thought you might like to buy the drinks this time as we've bought them since the beginning of the year ( other mum and I were secretly pleased but were still cringing)

Tardy friend replied " oh of course , yes! "
Guess what... she couldn't find her purse. [/quote]
I don't know why you've tagged me in this. I agree with you.

Miniroofbox · 06/09/2021 23:10

I pilot won’t rock up wrecked to fly. They’ve a bottle to throttle rule.

Bouledeneige · 06/09/2021 23:24

Yes it is rude but I've learned to adapt around it. I can't quite imagine how people manage professionally at work though if they're always late for meetings - it is very unprofessional.

Yeo if my best friends are always late. They are slightly jittery people who are always trying to fit one extra errand in, call or whatever before setting off and when the kids were small they had no ability to get their DC marshalled and out of the house. When I was younger it really wound me up and a few times I just left but now I take their ETAs with a pinch of salt and am relaxed about when I turn up too. Oh and I never agree to meet them outside anywhere so I'm hanging around - in the playground when we had small DC or in the cafe. That way I can get on with having a drink.

ThreeFlowers · 06/09/2021 23:35

I’m always late. I hate it. Often because I struggle to prioritise my time and waste it doing tasks that I should leave until later. I think I may be a bit ASD.

Catasptrophisemycat · 06/09/2021 23:45

I think I may be a bit ASD.

I don’t think it works like that @ThreeFlowers

Is there anyone on this thread who will own up to just being a shit time keeper and NOT have ….(xyz)??!

CorianderBee · 06/09/2021 23:48

Yes they're late to everything. My friends are these people and they're late for the airport, work, nights out, appts.

We e talked about it and it seems the way they view time is different. I know that it will take me 45 mins to get ready and get to the place so I leave 50 mins before the time. I consider myself running late if they leave after that. They've told me they don't see themselves as late until the time has actually passed so they don't rush until then 😂

I'm used to it now and just lie about the time I actually want to meet.

Rozziie · 07/09/2021 00:01

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

"I have no idea why they don't just get up earlier?!?! It truly baffles me!"

If you're shit at timekeeping it doesn't matter what time you get up. I've managed to be ready hours before I'm supposed to leave and still been late.

100% this. I often get up way earlier than I need to to make sure I have plenty of time, even pack my bag the night before, pick out some clothes, basically work really hard to make sure I can leave the house on time and unflustered. Then inevitably I'm in the lift of my apartment block and remember I forgot to get my drink out of the fridge, or forgot to put something important in my bag, and have to run back and sort it, and then suddenly I'm late, frazzled and flustered.

I have to say though, I never keep other people waiting...I always build in a personal buffer because I know I have these issues, but it is definitely a thing just not to be able to get yourself together to leave on time, especially if not NT.

Rozziie · 07/09/2021 00:04

@Catasptrophisemycat

I think I may be a bit ASD.

I don’t think it works like that @ThreeFlowers

Is there anyone on this thread who will own up to just being a shit time keeper and NOT have ….(xyz)??!

I mean, most people who are genuinely bad time keepers and not just rude DO have some sort of cognitive impairment. Otherwise they'd be able to manage time, wouldn't they?

Some people genuinely do just think their time is more valuable than other people's, so they pack their schedules tightly (because they're 'just so busy' you see) and expect other people to hang around waiting for them if something overruns or they haven't factored in enough travel time but that's not poor time keeping, just rudeness and arrogance.

Excelthetube · 07/09/2021 00:17

@UserNameNameNameUser
On more than one occasion you’ve turned up to a supermarket and it’s been closed because the key holder was late. Well that’s a new one on me