To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

But just as many ND people would find it annoying when others are late. So it isn’t always the ND person being late for meeting an NT friend. For someone like me with ASD I have a thing about rules and if we agree to meet at 1.00 pm, I would expect that person to be there within five minutes of the time.

I take full responsibility for the fact that I would be there for 12.00 or 12.30 - I certainly wouldn’t expect them to do this

How do all the ND people who can’t be on time due to their condition feel if they are routinely late and meeting a friend who is routinely even more late than they are so they are the ones kept hanging around for half an hour?

I love it when people are late. If I've spent the last 3 hours rushing around trying to get ready (or trying to will my way out of a state of ADHD paralysis), then I'm exhausted and half an hour to chill out and recover before putting more energy into socialising is exactly what I need! I could never build in this kind of time so it's a luxury when it happens by chance.

My dearest friend has a terrible bowel problem caused by a childbirth injury. She is also a very highly rated professional and is never late for anything. Some people will use anything to excuse their selfish flakiness and some people will be on time.

Wow. Such vitriolic comments about people’s time keeping. I’m surprised at how upset people are about it.

I’m generally on time. I’m not bothered if someone I’m meeting up with socially is 15 mins late. I would rather them get to me alive and well rather not at all because they’ve rushed through traffic.

I’m intrigued by people who would rather sit in their car for half hour just to be early. Ten mins fine but longer than that is just an inefficient use of time IMO.

[quote AntiSocialDistancer]I'm having to step back from this thread. I've found it deeply hurtful.
People can't understand that a variety of people makes the world go round.

It seems to be split into a few different thoughts:

1. Timekeeping is very important to me, it should therefore be as important to everyone else.
2. Have you ever tried a watch?

We're all made differently, and we each have different strengths and weaknesses. I would love to explain to each person what it is like from my viewpoint, as a disorganised, badly managed person. How it feels, how hard it is to live like this.

It's not easy to just wake up and be a different person. If money spent on stationery translated to being well organised I promise you I would be running my life as smoothly as air traffic control. I can pour time and money and energy and various solutions into life - my difficulties mean it's not easy to translate that into a positive outcome.

If only using a diary, or just caring more, meant that people with chronic executive dysfunction could fix themselves, there would be no need for educational psychologists, psychiatrists and methylphenidate.

I cannot give any more fodder to some of the snide, awful people in this thread who seem to be enjoying their superiority. My talents don't lie in organisation and time keeping. They lie in being caring, compassionate, giving and creative. I've done more for friends that I love than some people here would ever consider.

If anybody would genuinely like to understand more you are very welcome to message me but I can't feed the trolls any more and I'm going to hide this thread.

This is my favourite resource on ADHD, it's a long, gentle fascinating look into the disorder of the disorder.

[/quote] I'm sorry if some comments upset you but for most people, myself included, being on the brunt of persistent lateness is not because the repeat offender has any additional needs that contribute to lateness. I have a 'friend' who essentially just values her time over that of others and likes to project an image that her own life is so busy, important and stressful. In reality she is a SAHM with a cleaner and school age children who have a nanny to do the school run. This same person has never missed a flight or been late to a job interview, which suggests to me that she is perfectly capable of being on time when it suits her.

In the old days us latecomers would have lived in small areas near 100 family members with no millions of diary commitments or obligation to watch our children. We probably wouldn't have been so late then.

My DH bro and wife are always late when they come for dinner. We give a time and they are always at least an hour late and we have to hold back the food waiting for them. We have learnt now and know they will always be late but they have no excuse. My DH goes mad, i dont say anything because if I did I wouldnt stop. It is so taking the piss. I hate lateness and queue jumpers too though thats another story.

@RightYesButNo

You know, I don’t know if people will find this interesting but I used to be one of these people: massively disorganized, always late, constantly losing things I needed to be able to leave, sounded a bit like *@DrinkFeckArseBrick*. Yet I care deeply for people and would be mortified if they thought I was thinking their time was unimportant (my friends never did - they thought I was “scatterbrained,” so maybe a bit ADHD or dyspraxia or something).

But then I got chronically ill. Suddenly I had a lot of appointments that I couldn’t be more than five minutes late for, or I wouldn’t be able to see the specialist again or take a special exam for months. So I had to come up with ways to deal with it. I set alarms no matter what time of day the appointment is and I don’t ever press “snooze” on them until I stop what I’m doing (pissing about on Mumsnet) and get up to get ready to go. I have a second alarm set for when I must walk out the door, and it’s programmed to allow me to arrive ten minutes early at a location, because a consultant’s office doesn’t care about traffic. I put the three or four things I MUST take with me on the table by the door the night before and don’t move them (ID, paper with appointment, house keys). And then if I’m not at the door when my second “leaving” alarm goes off with what I want, then I don’t have it. If I want a water bottle but I don’t have one ready when that second alarm goes off, I have to go without a water bottle (I might start putting a water bottle on the table the night before if I realize I always want it). If I have a snag in my tights, I have to go with a snag in my tights. That’s all there is to it; there’s just no other option. Otherwise, I won’t be able to see my neurologist for an extra three months and that could mean a world of pain and extra A&E visits.

The thing is, if something life-altering comes along, you will HAVE to find systems to allow you to timekeep better. It’s arse, but it’s life.

This just isn't true although I'm genuinely very happy for you that you are able to function like this in a way that's sustainable. I'm a member of many ADHD Facebook groups and there are many, many people with really serious chronic health conditions that they do not have the ability to manage as you manage yours. For the most part, most of them don't manage to pull this kind of thing off, probably because they are more seriously affected by their ADHD than you are or because they have other comorbidities which just mean they have more to deal with. And most of them suffer the very consequences you describe. Some have missed so many appointments, cancer that could have been treated has become terminal cancer by the time they manage to actually get to a doctors. It's heartbreaking. Not all disabilities can be overcome by simply upping your effort levels although again, I'm genuinely happy for those that are able to make changes they are able to sustain.

I'm dyspraxic and either late or super early for everything. No matter how hard i try i cant ever be just on time

The thing I hate most is people who think it’s all about them and that others genuinely think fuck you or my time is more important when someone is latex I’d say it’s more about them, their life, their day or perhaps even that they have time blindness. Yes there is such a thing.
Stop bloody moaning about other people and get on with your lives.

I think it is rude. It always makes me laugh on their when people give out about people being say 45 minutes late and then they say as a person who runs 15 minutes late all the time.

Stop bloody moaning about other people and get on with your lives.

Should we do that before or after we've stood in the rain for 45 minutes waiting for you to turn up?

I used to feel grumpy about late people who are ALWAYS late..

Then I spent time with a friend who is like this... OMG..it was a revelation to us both.

She isn't sat there faffing or thinking 'fuck so and so they can wait', she is actively getting ready, doing stuff...

She calculates how long to travel, she does add in a bit of emergency time.. she does work out getting ready time..

But she doesnt put in any 'actually leaving the house' time - and it can take 5 to 15 minutes to gather up shiz and leave and lock the door and get in the car and sort out the handbag and ....

I timed it, on the third day we were going somewhere, as we had been talking about it the night before (After being the normal 15 minutes late for something the previous day). It is that extra 15 minutes of faffing about leaving that she NEVER calculates for because it doesn't enter her head that that is a thing, at all!

And yes she IS late for meetings, she does miss trains and buses and flights pretty regularly, though far less often now she's aware of the 'getting out of the door' time!

I am the exact opposite, I work out how long it takes to get from a to be, i add on 10 minutes just in case, I then work out how long to get ready, and add on another 10 to that...

So for todays 12.10 appt at the drs, I was ready by 11.30, out the door at 11.40 and there by 12.

@Bobmonkfish

In the old days us latecomers would have lived in small areas near 100 family members with no millions of diary commitments or obligation to watch our children. We probably wouldn't have been so late then.

Or perhaps people with ADHD kept everyone safe from predators?!

Interesting take on ADHD in this Ted Talk.

I cannot give any more fodder to some of the snide, awful people in this thread who seem to be enjoying their superiority. My talents don't lie in organisation and time keeping. They lie in being caring, compassionate, giving and creative. I've done more for friends that I love than some people here would ever consider.

Goodness me, how could you type this sanctimonious, egotistical claptrap with a straight face? It is not for you to declaim how compassionate and giving you are - that is for others to judge. By your behaviour, not lofty pronouncements on your own general wonderfulness and generosity compared to to the rest of us. Such preening, self-serving justification exemplifies the self centred approach of those who keep others waiting.

So for todays 12.10 appt at the drs, I was ready by 11.30, out the door at 11.40 and there by 12.

If I had an extra ten to twenty minutes contingency time for every appointment though, I'd have around 90 minutes dead time every day. I choose to take the risk that contingency is only needed say one time in ten. It means I can actually have a job and a life and take care of my kids and give them a wider range of experiences as we aren't always playing it safe.

As I said upthread, though, this doesn't usually lead to friends waiting and never leads to friends waiting without being notified.

The worst is when people don't let you know they're running considerably late until well after the time they know you'd have left your place. Then you're left waiting like an eejit for them as you set off at the right time... as if we wouldn't all enjoy some extra time to get ready / lie in etc. Grr.

Well, there are some very perfect people on this thread . Congratulations!

Thanks for the link @shesellsseacats. I'll take a look. Love evolutionary theories

@IMOGEN

Fancy writing such a long essay when "I have a total inability to understand ND conditions" would have sufficed.

@Kanaloa

ADHD isn’t an excuse though. It may make it harder for someone to be on time to pre arranged meetings, but that’s where coping strategies need to come in, so you can make it on time.

It’s not acceptable to be late and impact others because you have ADHD.

It’s not acceptable to be late and impact others because you are in a wheelchair.

It’s not acceptable to be late and impact others because you have asthma.

It’s not acceptable to be late and impact others because you have diabetes.

REALLY? Such a disablist and ignorant comment, @Kanaloa

Cannot bear people who are habitually late. I once deliberately dropped a friend who was always 30 mins late to our meet ups. Even though she didn't work and had adult DCs, and I was the one juggling a part time job and 2 toddlers.

For the record, for those who are habitually late - if someone was holding a gun to your head and told you to make that 9pm catch up with a mate...You. Would. Be. On. Time. The very possibility of imminent death tends to sharpen your focus somewhat, yes?

So, in the absence of the gun threat, you are choosing to be late, whether subconsciously or not. You are choosing to change your outfit at the last minute. You are choosing to water your plants before you leave. You are choosing to take a longer route to your destination because you prefer the drive. You are choosing to have a quick chat with your neighbour as you walk down your drive.

These are all decisions which make your life a tiny bit easier, nicer and beneficial to you. How nice for you. But these decisions don't benefit your poor, waiting friend one bit. Infact it irritates and upsets them - because they chose to put you before some plants, or a different outfit, or a nicer journey, and they feel a mug for doing so.

Actually you've just illustrated the issue that many ND people on this thread have tried to explain. Many NT people seem to find it hard to imagine a reality different to the one they live

Hmm I'm not sure there are many jobs where deadlines don't matter.

As an example I have to produce a weekly newsletter. It goes out Friday afternoon so I have to finish it by about 10am Friday.

I also do a monthly meeting so I need to prepare for it.

It wouldn't be much good if I decided to send my newsletter on Monday morning, given it had to go out on Friday.

And it wouldn't much good if I mess about so much that my agenda and presentations aren't ready for my regular monthly slot.

That is just two very time-bound examples, but generally, people set deadlines and want things by those dates and times. I know there are a lot of false deadlines and you can often negotiate but you are going to have to produce the work by a deadline at some point. You can't just keep missing the deadline indefinitely.

@lockdownmadnessdotcom

Actually you've just illustrated the issue that many ND people on this thread have tried to explain. Many NT people seem to find it hard to imagine a reality different to the one they live

Hmm I'm not sure there are many jobs where deadlines don't matter.

As an example I have to produce a weekly newsletter. It goes out Friday afternoon so I have to finish it by about 10am Friday.

I also do a monthly meeting so I need to prepare for it.

It wouldn't be much good if I decided to send my newsletter on Monday morning, given it had to go out on Friday.

And it wouldn't much good if I mess about so much that my agenda and presentations aren't ready for my regular monthly slot.

That is just two very time-bound examples, but generally, people set deadlines and want things by those dates and times. I know there are a lot of false deadlines and you can often negotiate but you are going to have to produce the work by a deadline at some point. You can't just keep missing the deadline indefinitely.

Oh, the irony!

Your examples of time-bound work simply serve to highlight my point. You lack the imagination to consider there might be alternatives!

Why do you all bother even meeting these awful, flakey, selfish late friends, out of interest? Clearly they don't do anything for you.