To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

Occasionally maybe, but every time? I agree with you OP, there's just no excuse! People like to be seen as reeeeally busy, when we all have exactly the same amount of time.

I firmly doubt whether every late person can claim ADHD

Literally no one on this thread said that.

And, as others have said, if you do have a condition there is absolutely nothing to stop you a) texting/phoning to let someone know the situation

Not something I suffer with personally, but for some people with neurological conditions, yes this would be difficult to do.

and b) like any other condition, really working hard with strategies to ameliorate the situation

What makes you think people aren't already doing this? FFS.

If you're late for work everyday im afraid your colleagues and boss hate you. Lacking sself awareness unsuprisingly seems to be an associated trait.

Not necessarily. Maybe if you're on some kind of shift pattern but I've never worked in a job where it's hugely relevant and I think that's normal for many offices. How on earth does it affect anyone if June opens her spreadsheet five minutes after nine instead of at nine and then finishes at five past five instead of five?

It takes me a lot of effort and energy as I get distracted easily by the 1000's of things I see that need doing.

You, and the rest of us!

Actually I was made to change my working hours as I was late (about 10 mins) a few times due to public transport. This despite working many unpaid hours. So I agree that when people waltz in late (particularly as they are often the ones who leave dead on time) their colleagues usually resent them.

@FOJN

I saw a study that said its intentional usually and a way to seek attention.

I think this would describe the two worst offenders I have known. They would rush breathlessly and very late into any event/meeting they were attending and claim everyones attention with a dramatic story about whatever delayed them. It was total self absorption, I gave up associating with either of them.

Some people may have challenges managing time whilst others are just very rude but whatever the reason time still matters in the real world and it matters whether you are a good or poor time manager. I imagine the reason life for poor time managers doesn't descend into total chaos because you can rely on most other people being where they said they would be, doing what they said they would at the time they said they would do it.

Without scheduling you couldn't book a table at a restaurant, get on a flight, have a hospital appointment etc. Could you imagine being at the airport and hearing a delayed flight announcement which said your flight would be delayed by two hours because half the cabin crew were late for work ,how would you expect air traffic control to compensate for that if it happened to half of the flights scheduled that day. Or having a doctor's appt cancelled because your GP was having problems calculating how long it would take them to get to work and the receptionist thought you should just chill the fuck out or learn to be more tolerant.

Most people have busy lives, their stress manifests as anger and annoyance if their well scheduled day is thrown into chaos by someone else's poor time keeping. If poor time management causes you stress then imagine what it's like for the people with good time management who you you inconvenience.

Haha have you ever actually been to a GP?! I’d say every scheduled interaction I’ve ever had with the nhs happened significantly later than it was originally planned!

But regardless, not everyone works in formal office environments where everyone is clock watching. I am one of those chronically late people and I’ve never had a job where it’s been an issue. Thankfully, because yes I am late for work and for trains and flights, and it has cost me a lot of money over the years so believe me it is certainly not a choice! (I saw someone here refer to it as the ADHD tax which is very appropriate!)

Several of those working years were in a country where good timekeeping is very much optional so that probably hasn’t helped my own issues, but also shows that yes, many places can and do function without punctuality! British culture is particularly preoccupied with it, I think.

I now suspect I too may have adhd. And I can make adjustments to try to improve my timekeeping, but bear in mind I’m also making adjustments to remember to do all the other essential things like feed the cat or lock the front door or pay the bills on time, not to mention remember all the things I need to take with me when I go out, all while simultaneously trying to plan my time better, so it’s not just one or two simple fixes! And when those techniques work, in the past I’ve been ready for important things early, so while I wait I sit down and read something, or work on a task…….until I look up and realise I was so engrossed I’m now late! I find this a big problem with virtual meetings, even if I just sat still with nothing to read while waiting I’d get wrapped up in thinking about something!!

HOWEVER, I always apologise profusely for being late, I am very embarrassed by it. But with friends sometimes you just have to make a joke of it otherwise you’d cry and never leave the house again!!

My sister is always late and it's driven by a pure lack of consideration for other people. She literally feels no concern about them making whatever sacrifices it takes to arrive on time while she might decide she wants to do something else; finish watching a movie, go somewhere, have a few drinks in a different bar.

She only measures it by the repercussions for her - if they are likely to tell her off or not. If they do she makes it into a joke at their expense. She's very witty and entertaining. People fall out with her eventually and she never understands why.

She has never apologised to anyone for anything afaik.

I mainly blame our mother who pandered to her moods and aggressive temper. I was always told to adapt to her demands because it made life easier.

So I don't entertain bad timekeeping in people as an adult. If it happens once ok. If it becomes a pattern of me waiting while they arrive with no decent explanation I don't bother with them.

I have a lot of trouble with punctuality and was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager. I think if you don't have ADHD, it's really hard to imagine how our brains work, and thus people struggle to empathise, as though I can just overrule my brain. I AM my brain!

I have strategies in place now and have improved a lot since changing medication, but for a good decade it was near impossible for me to get places/stuff done on time.

No, you FFS.

Waiting and poor timekeeping literally gives me a panic attack - i shake and feel sick/light headed. But hey ho, I am the bad guy.

I should think there’s one person in 100,000 who can’t help it. All the others simply don’t prioritise punctuality and the waiting person is an uptight loser who should “be kind”.

@Potteringshed that's a good point. I do think this is one of many reasons why not everyone can do every job. And why the UC jobseekers rules make life so difficult for some.
It's a tricky one because in many situations learning self discipline is a very good thing, but for people who struggle with executive dysfunction, forced timekeeping can make people stressed and ill.
Having a diagnosis must be helpful as employers then have a duty to their employees to make working possible, I think.
Personally I'm happy with my timekeeping but both my friends i mentioned in earlier post would benefit from a flexible start/finish time. Both are incredibly hard workers once they get to work, and both work late to make up for late start (and a bit extra to clear their conscience, quite often)

I am non NT. I am usually early, don’t mind waiting at all but really struggle when people are more than about 15 mins late, especially if they don’t call. I get very anxious and think something has happened to them.
So, I’m not compatible with perpetually late friends, and I don’t have many any more. We stress each other out too much.

“Forced timekeeping can make people stressed and ill”

Let’s hope they don’t choose a career as a pilot then. What if a teacher wandered in an hour late, or a prison warder had a bit of trouble turning up for a shift?

We are arguing at the margins here. 99% of late people are just late and there is no excuse. There is doubly no excuse if they can’t even let someone know.

@DottyHarmer

These posters claiming poor time management is because of a neurological condition…. Presumably you are sometimes very early then?

Less often, but yes, in ways that are usually just as bad as being late. My common way of being "very early" is to show up either a day or a week early because I've got the dates mixed up, but I've also done my fair share of standing in the rain for two hours because I miscalculated how long it would take me to get somewhere, or because I allowed time for things going wrong which didn't happen.

But lateness is more common because of the whole zoning out aspect of executive dysfunction where I get stuck at one stage of a multi-stage process such as making breakfast or getting dressed and don't snap out of it until some random amount of time has passed.

@DottyHarmer

No, you FFS.

Waiting and poor timekeeping literally gives me a panic attack - i shake and feel sick/light headed. But hey ho, I am the bad guy.

I should think there’s one person in 100,000 who can’t help it. All the others simply don’t prioritise punctuality and the waiting person is an uptight loser who should “be kind”.

You're not "the bad guy" for finding other people's lateness difficult.

I'm sorry to hear it affects you like that and you're well within your rights to put strong boundaries around your own needs.

If lateness really upsets you like this, it's perfectly reasonable to say to people that you can't deal with it and you won't be waiting around for them.

Or for you accept you find it too difficult to deal with people who are late and not make arrangements with them.

What is out of order is your judgement of other people. Your ignorant statements like "there’s one person in 100,000 who can’t help it." ADHD alone is a heck of a lot more common that that, not to mention all the other conditions that can imact punctionality.

And things like this "It just shows that you think you are more important than anyone else that you can’t be bothered to try to change" - you seem determined to believe it, but for those of us who are late because of being ND, it's just not true.

It's your attitude that stinks, not your inability to deal with lateness.

(Are you working on this irrational response at all, by the way? Or is it just the late people who need to work on themselves in your mind)

@DaisyWaldron - I've done that! I turned up to a job interview 24 hours early once.

(I didn't get the job)

@DottyHarmer

“Forced timekeeping can make people stressed and ill”

Let’s hope they don’t choose a career as a pilot then. What if a teacher wandered in an hour late, or a prison warder had a bit of trouble turning up for a shift?

We are arguing at the margins here. 99% of late people are just late and there is no excuse. There is doubly no excuse if they can’t even let someone know.

That's my point. I'm assuming people who struggle with executive function would choose to do something that doesn't require it. I'm talking about people who really struggle, not the people who just can't be arsed to sort themselves out. Hence the need for flexible working Where it is possible

When @shesellsseacats mentioned that she'd made it on time to school with her DD this morning but only because her DS's school didn't start back until tomorrow, I misread it and assumed that she'd turned up at school a day early, because that would make perfect sense that she'd put so much effort into getting the time right shat she'd let the date slip.

You know, I don’t know if people will find this interesting but I used to be one of these people: massively disorganized, always late, constantly losing things I needed to be able to leave, sounded a bit like @DrinkFeckArseBrick. Yet I care deeply for people and would be mortified if they thought I was thinking their time was unimportant (my friends never did - they thought I was “scatterbrained,” so maybe a bit ADHD or dyspraxia or something).

But then I got chronically ill. Suddenly I had a lot of appointments that I couldn’t be more than five minutes late for, or I wouldn’t be able to see the specialist again or take a special exam for months. So I had to come up with ways to deal with it. I set alarms no matter what time of day the appointment is and I don’t ever press “snooze” on them until I stop what I’m doing (pissing about on Mumsnet) and get up to get ready to go. I have a second alarm set for when I must walk out the door, and it’s programmed to allow me to arrive ten minutes early at a location, because a consultant’s office doesn’t care about traffic. I put the three or four things I MUST take with me on the table by the door the night before and don’t move them (ID, paper with appointment, house keys). And then if I’m not at the door when my second “leaving” alarm goes off with what I want, then I don’t have it. If I want a water bottle but I don’t have one ready when that second alarm goes off, I have to go without a water bottle (I might start putting a water bottle on the table the night before if I realize I always want it). If I have a snag in my tights, I have to go with a snag in my tights. That’s all there is to it; there’s just no other option. Otherwise, I won’t be able to see my neurologist for an extra three months and that could mean a world of pain and extra A&E visits.

The thing is, if something life-altering comes along, you will HAVE to find systems to allow you to timekeep better. It’s arse, but it’s life.

My son has bowel problems and has been late to school many times as he suddenly needs to go just before leaving. He still gets in trouble. They must think he likes having chronic diorrhoea

@CuntAmongstThePigeons

This is such an ableist thread. Obviously many posters have no understanding of how asd or adhd can affect individuals. I'm so glad my friends and employers are more understanding. Also shocked at how many people cut off friends and family because of time keeping. I hate to think of what you'd all do if your family or friends have other medical issues. I put up with far worse than bad time keeping in friends and family.

Also amazed at how many people think its about them, its literally no reflection on them at all. And for posters saying "they manage to be on time for the things that matter to them" well that's not been my experience. I've missed flights, job interviews, important family events and no its not for want of trying.

I totally agree

My daughter doesn’t have ADHD or ASD, but she does have Tourette’s and absence seizures

It’s her first day at college today. Last night she planned on getting in the shower/washing her hair so she could have a calm morning this morning. Except, last night her hands locked into fists so she couldn’t. No stress, get up early this morning - except her eyes ticced shut and stayed shut, so she couldn’t do anything but sit and wait until they reopened.

She ended up being late for college - and getting extremely flustered, which made her tics worse, which made her more flustered, so she had a tic attack, which made her even later

And, as others have said, if you do have a condition there is absolutely nothing to stop you a) texting/phoning to let someone know the situation

Fortunately her tutor is understanding and aware of the situation. I was at home as I was going to give her a lift in on her first day and I have her tutor’s email address so could let them know. We can’t always do that. Sometimes she can’t ring or text and just has to sit the tics out. Usually I would be at work and she’d get the bus to college.

She called me when I was at work the other day and we had 5 minutes of her calling me a whore and chucking her phone on her bed, before she could say what she wanted to say. She’s had to bang on her bedroom floor when I’ve been downstairs before

and b) like any other condition, really working hard with strategies to ameliorate the situation

She does, Tourette’s doesn’t work like that though

Odd time is fine being late but this was every time we met. So I leave house later now as she wont be there. I told her the cafe closes at x time. Sure the world waits for them lol

@BillyBearSpam

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

A similar thread was done on this not so long ago.

People have genuine reasons for being late. Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, IBS, childcare, pet care as a few examples. It's not personal.

@BillyBearSpam

Yes SOME people will have genuine reasons for poor time keeping. Also, everyone understands that, occasionally, someone may be late eg if a child is ill

But, generally, if someone can hold down a job, and go on holiday, then I know they can be punctual when they think it's important

Interesting how those who find time keeping easy seem to be unable to understand not everyone finds it easy or even possible. Can’t these timekeepers think of anything in life that they can’t do but others find straightforward. Empathy perhaps?

As a child I was late for every party I. Went to. I used to get so embarrassed. My mum always took me late. I asked her why once . She said it is not polite to be on time ! She has batshit ideas sometimes. Not sure if it was her excuse to me for not being organised enough to get me there on time or she genuinely thought she was being polite ! I hated it!

Agree, yes it's disrespectful to the one kept waiting.