To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

I feel like I've lived my whole life being just on time by the skin of my teeth.

It's a horrible feeling isn't it.

I've found it does mean we tend to be great in a crisis as our whole bloody life is a crisis, so when an unexpected big one occurs we know how to roll with it and think strategically in the moment!

I used to be able to compensate for my shit timekeeping by running, or skipping my basic needs like you.

But since getting older, my health not being great and having the DC's needs to consider too, it's just too much. I've burnt the candle at both ends too much and I just can't keep up that level of stress any more.

I've managed to restructure my life so I don't have so many deadlines (e.g. flexible working from home) but poor DD gets the brunt of it as we're often late for school. DS is old enough to take himself now, and he manages to get there on time.

We weren't late this morning though, so it's a good start to the year at least...

@Okbye

Omg I completely agree!!

I don't understand why people can't allow themselves more time (obviously understandably things like traffic are unavoidable).

There's a mum from my sons class who is almost ALWAYS late in the morning (like 80% of the school year, they're late).

Usually when I'm almost back at my front door after dropping off she comes running past with her daughter in tow, running to school. Almost every day.
I have no idea why they don't just get up earlier?!?! It truly baffles me!

Lateness is my biggest pet hate. Uurrrgghh🤬

Who the hell are you to judge that mum. You have no idea what her life is like and why she cannot get to school on time. I can guarantee she feels shit about always being late and if she was able to easily fix it, she would.

I have ADHD... Even when I get up earlier, I feel like I am always rushing to places and feeling stressed because I might be late.

Also, that example wasn't even about you meeting someone who is late, it is about something that has absolutely no effect on you whatsoever.

If you're late for work everyday im afraid your colleagues and boss hate you. Lacking sself awareness unsuprisingly seems to be an associated trait.

@AntiSocialDistancer

I'm learning that personality traits that are thought of as being 'better' and wholesome are just luck of the draw.

I have ADHD, it's more common than people realise. My defects are neurological - not personally set out to offend you.

Running late, sleeping more, crying more - I can't help it. If people dont like it? I dont care any more.

I'm trying my best and I'm not a bad person. You're not better or more caring than me.

1 in 7 people are neurodiverse, living in a world that the neurotypicals designed.

You have articulated exactly my thoughts. As a fellow ADHDer.

I am getting less tolerant of people's ableist views and had to chuck a friend last night because of hers. I probably shouldn't have popped onto mumsnet today 🥴

Always judge, lest thee be a fucking mug

It just shows that these posters are missing an empathy gene because they don’t give a crap about the anxious person who is waiting for over an hour.
This is incredibly short sighted. People with neurological conditions often have poor short term memory, which means for example they can’t remember where they put their keys or phone or other essentials. I often put down my stuff while getting ready and two minutes later I have no idea where it is. Then I’m late because I have to look for it. That’s before you consider difficulties with executive functioning - it doesn’t matter what time I get up, I still have a hard time progressing from one task to the next. So maybe I manage to get up and make toast but I struggle to progress to having a shower.

My brother is always fucking late. We once had a family BBQ and his family turned up two hours late. No apologies or reasons given. We'd eaten without them in the end.

He's a director of a multinational company.

I saw a study that said its intentional usually and a way to seek attention.

I think this would describe the two worst offenders I have known. They would rush breathlessly and very late into any event/meeting they were attending and claim everyones attention with a dramatic story about whatever delayed them. It was total self absorption, I gave up associating with either of them.

Some people may have challenges managing time whilst others are just very rude but whatever the reason time still matters in the real world and it matters whether you are a good or poor time manager. I imagine the reason life for poor time managers doesn't descend into total chaos because you can rely on most other people being where they said they would be, doing what they said they would at the time they said they would do it.

Without scheduling you couldn't book a table at a restaurant, get on a flight, have a hospital appointment etc. Could you imagine being at the airport and hearing a delayed flight announcement which said your flight would be delayed by two hours because half the cabin crew were late for work ,how would you expect air traffic control to compensate for that if it happened to half of the flights scheduled that day. Or having a doctor's appt cancelled because your GP was having problems calculating how long it would take them to get to work and the receptionist thought you should just chill the fuck out or learn to be more tolerant.

Most people have busy lives, their stress manifests as anger and annoyance if their well scheduled day is thrown into chaos by someone else's poor time keeping. If poor time management causes you stress then imagine what it's like for the people with good time management who you you inconvenience.

@shesellsseacats

Yes I'm very good in a crisis. I am always good at fire fighting, but struggle to stay motivated when there is no fire. I do struggle with depression, burn out and physical health issues though which is why I know I need to change my ways. I can't live on adrenaline forever!

@BrozTito

If you're late for work everyday im afraid your colleagues and boss hate you. Lacking sself awareness unsuprisingly seems to be an associated trait.

Last time I worked in an office team, certainly two of my colleagues hated me.

Another colleague was a good friend and tbh, when we first met she didn't like me because of my lateness, but as she got to know me she realised how hard I worked and we got to know each other socially and really got on.

My boss, on the other hand, fucking loved me. My work was of a high standard, my innovative ideas helped the business grow and I was always willing to go above and beyond. I spent a fair bit of time mopping up the mistakes of the colleagues who hated me. They arrived on time, left on the dot and judged me, while not being actually very good at their jobs.

When my boss was head hunted for a new job, it was me he asked to come with him.

So, not everyone sees lateness like you do. And punctuality isn't the only positive attribute and employee can have!

It is a trait that some people may just be lazy about dealing with (note SOME, not those with ND).

My mum was a nightmare for being late everywhere. No ND. She was definitely one of those who breezed in wondering why she was getting the side eye from people.

We used to go to my grandparents for celebratory dates. We ended up telling my mum that the arrival time was at least half an hour before it really was, because then she might only be 10 or 15 minutes late. My sister used to be anything up to 2 HOURS late - which was so rude. Also NT. SO we'd tell her an hour ahead of time. It made me somewhat paranoid about being late, especially when my mum was 2 hours late picking me up from a party one time, and the whole household had gone to bed, or were sitting up in their pjs, waiting for me to go so they could lock up the house. I offered to wait outside but they wouldn't hear of it. Mortifying!

@Iamclaracowbell

The worst is when you're going on a night out and have to pick up late friend in a taxi...and you're sat outside in the taxi with the driver getting crosser and crosser, and you have to keep apologising and eventually late friend comes out cool as a cucumber going 'oh sorry haha what am I like tee hee'

I'm usually the driver as I don't drink, and I have a friend who's always running late. I text her 5 minutes before I leave, text her when I leave and if she's not ready I've told her I'll leave without her. She knows I mean it and she's always been ready!

[quote ThePotatoCroquette]@shesellsseacats

Yes I'm very good in a crisis. I am always good at fire fighting, but struggle to stay motivated when there is no fire. I do struggle with depression, burn out and physical health issues though which is why I know I need to change my ways. I can't live on adrenaline forever! [/quote]
You may know this already, but it's thought that for people with ADHD the lack of motivation without the firefighting is possibly to do with a lack of dopamine.

So it may be that we're actually creating situations where we're panicing (e.g. about being late) in order to create enough adrenaline to make us be able to do the task, given we're lacking the dopamine that everyone else takes for granted and which motivates them to do the thing.

And I agree, it must take a toll on our health. I'm in my mid 40s and have several health issues, I'm sure the stress of living like this has contributed to them.

I do wonder if the people having a go on this thread think that instead of being on time, we're swanning about doing nice things we want to do. Instead of being in an out-of-control hell of panic and stress desperately trying to keep on top of things and not let our friends and loved ones down.

I stopped meeting someone who perpetually did this. I know she had her own stuff going on, but she also seemed to get off on the drama of her own life and never seemed to notice or care that I was left waiting for her. And then in a weird twist she was also so defensive that I wasn't able to talk to her about it so it just went on and on until I was done. She also couldn't get her child to school on time and talked about it as though school should change to her schedule. God she was exhausting.

I agree. We have family members (on my in-laws side) who are regularly an hour+ late for gatherings that only last a few hours. Apparently we are all supposed to find it endearing and laugh about it rather than finding it rude?!

I have ADHD and I used to be late a lot, or arrive on time by the skin of my teeth. I have learnt coping strategies over the years and now I'm usually on time. It took a lot of effort. Dd is still learning, and has missed flights and job interviews as a result (adult DD with diagnosis ADHD)
I cope with friends who are 15 minutes late but not with the ones who rock after an hour or more, and seem to think it's funny. Though I accept it's embarrassment in some cases.
I like being early now, I just take a book. Not feeling the need to be bang on time has been a revelation.
I think it's perfectly reasonable not to wait for someone who's late unless they have a sound reason, and message ahead .

@Nocaloriesinchocolate

You’ve made me remember one mother who always gave me the rage. I ran a Beaver colony and one of the mothers was always (literally always 15 minutes late to pick up her son. Which meant that I or the other Beaver leader, both of whom had Beaver sons, had to hang round with bored, tired, hungry children of our own, waiting for her to roll up casually from half a mile down the road. We had to wait outside as well as the Cubs took over the scout hall as soon as we;d finished our session, which wasn’t fun in the middle of winter. And she would NEVER apologise. This was years ago but I’m getting all cross again thinking about it!

She should have had three strikes and OUT!

@twocatsandtwokids

I agree. We have family members (on my in-laws side) who are regularly an hour+ late for gatherings that only last a few hours. Apparently we are all supposed to find it endearing and laugh about it rather than finding it rude?!

There's definitely a difference between people like that and individuals who you know have difficulty with executive function. Totally agree with your comment. I'd stop inviting them.

These posters claiming poor time management is because of a neurological condition…. Presumably you are sometimes very early then?

Late people annoy me no end! My husbands brother and his wife are these people and on my wedding day they stopped off at home to collect their children between the ceremony and the reception and took 2hrs to do that! They were so late, the kitchen staff kept holding off on serving the food and keeping it warm for everyone while we waited for them! They are late for everything. I often see their children waiting to be picked up from school 45 minutes after school finishes!

@DottyHarmer

These posters claiming poor time management is because of a neurological condition…. Presumably you are sometimes very early then?

No, never. It doesn't work like that.

There's plenty of info about this online if you're interested in learning more about ADHD and not just trying to have a go / think you've come up with a clever "gotcha" to prove... what exactly? That ADHD people are lying about it?

@Comedycook

In fact I have a saying, if you're on time, you're late. If you're early, you're on time.

My attitude has rubbed off on my kids...my Ds is going into year 9 and from reception till now has never once been late to school

I have heard that saying and really can't abide it.

If I'm on time, I'm on time.

@shesellsseacats - I firmly doubt whether every late person can claim ADHD.

And, as others have said, if you do have a condition there is absolutely nothing to stop you a) texting/phoning to let someone know the situation and b) like any other condition, really working hard with strategies to ameliorate the situation.

I have a couple of dear friends who have very poor time keeping. If I'm honest it does affect our friendship. When we get together it's lovely but it only works if we bump into each other. I don't often plan anything with them because they are so late that I often have to leave. We all quite busy so sometimes there is a window of an hour when we might both be free. So many times, one in particular has called saying she's running late and could be make it an hour later. I love her and accommodate it if I can but it's not always possible.
Other people who do value my time just make life that bit simpler, so I end up making more social plans with them.
Little by little, my lovely but scatty friends are dropping away. It's sad, but true.

This is such an ableist thread. Obviously many posters have no understanding of how asd or adhd can affect individuals. I'm so glad my friends and employers are more understanding. Also shocked at how many people cut off friends and family because of time keeping. I hate to think of what you'd all do if your family or friends have other medical issues. I put up with far worse than bad time keeping in friends and family.

Also amazed at how many people think its about them, its literally no reflection on them at all. And for posters saying "they manage to be on time for the things that matter to them" well that's not been my experience. I've missed flights, job interviews, important family events and no its not for want of trying.