To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

There have been loads of these threads and they always go the same. 95% of posters saying yes, it's the height of rudeness and get your shit together.

4% of posters saying that they struggle with timekeeping so have put in place a whole raft of strategies to help.

1% of posters who say yes they're always late and the rest of us just have to lump it.

I had (note the past tense) who was always late. We met at playgroup and have kids a similar age. Her kids were always the ones sprinting down the road to primary school at just after 9 because she was late. When my DD was about 9, she did dancing at the same place as "friend's" daughter. My younger child, who is a year older than her younger child, did Cubs at the same time as her child.

Her plan was that she would take the boys to cubs and girls on to dancing, then i would pick up later. Fine, worked for me.

What she hadn't explained was that her younger son was at swimming until (for example) 7.15pm. Her plan was to go to the swimming pool, get him out, dressed, into the car, and arrive at Cubs for.... 7.15pm. Then the two girls to dancing for 7.30. After two weeks of my son being late to Cubs and DD being late at dancing we canned the arrangement. She genuinely thought traipsing in at least 20 minutes late was fine.

She was another one with the tinkly laugh "oh ha ha ha what am I LIKE? I'm so flaky ha ha ha " While the rest of us would be seething, thinking "you're a fucking nightmare, that's what you're like".

Have any of you been to a country where timekeeping isn't a priority? Where my maternal family live, people are hours late to everything and not bat an eyelid.
But that's because time is not important to them, plus, things are more laid back and it overall becomes less important. Things are slower in general, people just do less stuff in a day and if you miss the film you just wait for the next one, etc.
At the end of the day everyone's different and if it's important to you then manage expectations and don't bother with them if there's such a cultural clash.
There's English things too which are seen as obnoxious to others, but in Mumsnet is not a problem.

"She was another one with the tinkly laugh "oh ha ha ha what am I LIKE? I'm so flaky ha ha ha " "

Aaargh totally agreed though anyone that makes something superficial a personality trait is a moron!

If you’re late because of a condition it’s still rude, if you know you can’t be on time you should be letting the person that you’re meeting know, not just saying yeah I’ll meet you at 10 when you know the likelihood is you’ll be late because you couldn’t be on time if your life depended on it.

I’ve been the person stood on my own waiting for over an hour and it’s shit, it feels so disrespectful whether that’s your intention or not. Now I’m a bit older and I’ve got a bit more self respect I don’t arrange to meet the chronically late unless it’s somewhere I would be going anyway or other people who can turn up on time are going too, and I don’t wait any longer than 15 minutes before just doing what I’d planned to do.

You’ve made me remember one mother who always gave me the rage. I ran a Beaver colony and one of the mothers was always (literally always 15 minutes late to pick up her son. Which meant that I or the other Beaver leader, both of whom had Beaver sons, had to hang round with bored, tired, hungry children of our own, waiting for her to roll up casually from half a mile down the road. We had to wait outside as well as the Cubs took over the scout hall as soon as we;d finished our session, which wasn’t fun in the middle of winter. And she would NEVER apologise. This was years ago but I’m getting all cross again thinking about it!

I agree @BillyBearSpam. Those virtuously perfect, early all the time people need to step back and remember some people actually can have difficulties in life.
@BoredZelda we all have difficulty in ourlives.
We all have to make compromises.
I don't think late people realise how fucking annoying it is to be left stood there waiting in the cold for someone to turn up.

All these late people,how do you get your kids to school on time.Or they constantly late because of you.

Because when I dropped my kids to school,it's the same people dragging the kids up the road late.
And I mean late,late.

This thread is depressing. I struggle with being on time to things (work, flights, etc included).

I do manage to get the kids to school on time most days and get to work meetings just in time. It takes me a lot of effort and energy as I get distracted easily by the 1000's of things I see that need doing.

When I meet with friends I do my best to be on time. Sometimes though a group of friends decide on a time to meet that makes it hard for me to be on time (like when I have to drop of a dc at an activity righy before. I really hope they don't hate on me as much as this thread.

I am often very early for things and then hang around with a book of something. I then get so engrossed that I loose track of time and I am still late ringing the doorbell. So even when I do eveything right, I get it wrong.

I think I want to live in a country where things are more relaxed and 'on time' is more relative.

being late is not a trait,it's downright rude & irritating for others, i personally cannot stand it, my work hours are 8,30 till 4. or 4 till close. if I'm on @,4 I'm usually on site by 330. have been asked many times over the years why do I arrive so early,my answer is always the same,I'm not early I'm just here before I should be, it works both ways for me,as one afternoon a traffic accident held me up for 1/2 hour,my boss phoned my wife as to enquire if I was ok as I wasn t at work, i arrived over an hour late,& clocked in whereupon my boss said you can ignore the clock time & altered it to the normal time,she was so relieved i was o l so I didn't loose out,nice.

Sometimes though a group of friends decide on a time to meet that makes it hard for me to be on time (like when I have to drop of a dc at an activity righy before. I really hope they don't hate on me as much as this thread

That might depend on whether you tell them 'I'm dropping off DC just before and will get to your asap after that. I'll let you know if I get held up' or if you just expect them to be psychic

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I am always late. For everything. It's not because I don't care about them waiting and it's not because I value my time over theirs (I'm late for trains and flights and other nice things I've booked for myself as well). I find it genuinely hard to be on time. I know it takes me an hour to get ready and so I'll start say an hour and 15 min before I have to go and still be late. I just find time runs away with me no matter how much I clock watch everything takes longer than it should. I have a lot of ASD traits and not sure if this is one of them. But I'll be ready to leave the house and then I can't find my phone / wallet / keys that I've looked out and got ready that morning and then absentmindedly picked up and put somewhere else. Or I'll get something in my eye and not be able to get it out. Or I'll rip my tights putting my shoes on. Something like this happens every single time. Its embarrassing and I hate it. Time management is a skill and no matter how much I practice I just mostly can't get it right. Like many skills, some people are better at it than others. It isn't always about you.

But if this happens every single time, why haven’t you learnt from this and given yourself say an extra half hour to get ready?!

@bluedaisy1

Totally agree about how annoying lateness is. Admit I'm sometimes late but I am always embarrassed and apologetic and take steps to not be the next time.

But.. chronic earliness is also awful. My parents are those. Arrive at least an hour (sometimes 3!!) before we agree and then are upset that I'm not ready/there/still at work.

A very long time ago I was the perpetually late person. Then my boyfriend got pissed off at me and drove off to an event without me because I was late to meet him. He did this more than once. I thought hard about it and decided to never be late again.

This contrarily made me regularly 3 hours early because anxiety about being late.

I spent many an hour bored witless waiting for the correct time.
Slowly over time and with experience I can now arrive 15 minutes early. What back then took a monumental task of figuring out bus/train times and walking times and potential delays has morphed into a clear knowledge of how long things actually take.
However that's here in the area I live. If I had to move to a new city I'd be fucked until I learned a whole new set of times etc.

And a family unit within the entire family is a chronic late family. Usually arriving 2 hours after the time stated. Last time we were at a restaurant I ordered my food despite everyone else saying they'll just be a few minutes and ate my food and dessert and coffee and was paying my bill so I could leave and then they turned up. I dont mind that they are late, I mind that I might have somewhere else to be later.

OK - I doubt anyone will bother to reply to this

How do all the ND people who can’t be on time due to their condition feel if they are routinely late and meeting a friend who is routinely even more late than they are so they are the ones kept hanging around for half an hour?

But if this happens every single time, why haven’t you learnt from this and given yourself say an extra half hour to get ready?!

No, it's not as easy as that, sadly.

If one of the things that's making you late is that you can't remember where you've put things, you might be pretty much ready to go out the door with 10 minutes to go, then at 5 minutes to go realise you've just put your wallet down somewhere and you have no idea where it is.

Cue 20 minutes (or whatever) of frantic searching while you find it, then leave 15 minutes late. The time you got up is irrelevant in this scenario, which is very common for people with ADHD and related conditions. And it's more likely to happen if you have a lot of distractions, children being a huge source of sudden, random distractions.

@Elphame

OK - I doubt anyone will bother to reply to this

How do all the ND people who can’t be on time due to their condition feel if they are routinely late and meeting a friend who is routinely even more late than they are so they are the ones kept hanging around for half an hour?

Relieved it's not only me who's late!

I saw a study that said its intentional usually and a way to seek attention.

If someone says when making the arrangements that thet know they'll probably be late & why, that makes a big difference. At least then the other person / people can plan accordingly & they know they're not just being rude.

And yes its noticeable that those who 'cant help it' hold down a job. If they have no concept of time why arnt they early as often as late?

I have poor time keeping but am never late to anything, I just leave more time, don't plan things close to each other and plan rigidly around train times, traffic etc.

@shesellsseacats

But if this happens every single time, why haven’t you learnt from this and given yourself say an extra half hour to get ready?!

No, it's not as easy as that, sadly.

If one of the things that's making you late is that you can't remember where you've put things, you might be pretty much ready to go out the door with 10 minutes to go, then at 5 minutes to go realise you've just put your wallet down somewhere and you have no idea where it is.

Cue 20 minutes (or whatever) of frantic searching while you find it, then leave 15 minutes late. The time you got up is irrelevant in this scenario, which is very common for people with ADHD and related conditions. And it's more likely to happen if you have a lot of distractions, children being a huge source of sudden, random distractions.

I get this for missing objects and trying to find things last minute but the PP also said other things will happen just before leaving such as ripping tights or getting something in her eye, that sounds incredibly unlucky for something like this to happen every time.

I just don’t understand how people keep a job when they constantly can’t get themselves somewhere to a deadline.

I think I have an issue where I have to be on time, the thought of being late to something causes me such anxiety that I often arrive early but hang around until the time to go in so I guess I’m just trying to understand the opposite ☺️

DD and I were on time for school this morning, but only by the skin of our teeth and with some luck.

Here's why...

I spent the last week making sure DD had everything she needed for school and I thought we were ready. She had summer and autumn uniform hanging in her wardrobe so she could choose, depending on the weather. I ordered what we didn't have (e.g. plain socks and plain t-shirts for PE) and it was delivered last week.

Last night, I found out that they needed to go in on the first day in PE clothes. Thank goodness for Whatsapp class groups! I searched out her PE kit and one of her t-shirts from last year as I wasn't sure where I'd put the new ones.

I also put the clothes I wanted to wear, myself, in the wash and dried them.

I also remembered at 11pm that DD needs a water bottle! You would think after 8 years of sending DC to school, that would be ingrained, but no, it genuinely didn't occur to me till last night.

This morning, DD put her PE kit on, and I realised there was a stain on the t-shirt which hadn't been obvious in dim light last night. I rushed round the house looking for the new t-shirts, which thankfully I found in 5 minutes. However they had those creases on them that you get when new clothes have been sold folded. So, I tried to find the iron. Now, that totally stumped me. I hadn't been expecting to use it (most of DD's uniform is non-iron), it wasn't where it's meant to live and I haven't seen it since the DC were last at school in July. After 5 minutes of frantically looking for it, I gave up and decided DD could wear the tshirt slightly creased as she wasn't bothered and the creases will hopefully fall out as the day goes on.

I then remembered that DD needs a snack for school. Kicking myself as I was so sure I'd remembered everything last night, but until we were actually getting ready for school, I'd totally forgotten about break time snack. Luckily I had something suitable and I found both a little tupperware box to put it in and its lid, together. A morning miracle!

I took my clothes out of the dryer to get dressed. Then something distracted me (I forget what now, probably one of the things mentioned above). When I returned to focussing on getting dressed, I had absolutely no idea where my clothes were, I'd put them somewhere. I rushed about the house looking for them and managed to find them in under 5 minutes, phew!

However - I couldn't find a bra. I'm not good at self care and through a combination of putting on weight and losing bras in the house, I'm down to only two. One is in the washing machine, the other I was wearing yesterday and I was going to wear it again only I couldn't work out where it was. I knew I'd taken it off before bed, as one of the underwires is poking out and so I would have taken it off as soon as I got home, but I couldn't for the life of me remember where. That one took the longest to find.

I also had to search out the new socks and a hairband.

I had meant to leave 15 minutes early and had left lots of contingency. I'd used all the contingency up, nearly, and we had 5 minutes to leave before we'd be late. DD asked if I could show her the message about needing PE kit just as we were about to leave. We did still have anough time for this, I took her to the computer to show her the email that had been mentioned in the whatsapp group. I have a history of forgetting mufti etc so I'm happy to reassure DD if she needs it so she's not anxious on the way to school. We did that, it only took a minute, then I realised I'd put my bag down when we went to look at the computer, again no idea recollection of doing this or any idea of where. Managed to find it relatively quickly though, phew!

So, we left, and got there on time, but only just.

And this is a pretty typical morning.

Had any of those things I had to search for taken longer to find, we would have been late.

You might say "make sure you are ready the night before" but I did, and I really thought we were.

And, if you don't live like this, you have no idea how frustrating it is to have no memory of what you've done with things. It's like I'm living with someone who's sneaking around, taking the things I need from the places they live in, and hiding them randomly around the house. Only, that person is me.

Yes, it’s uncanny that the “I can’t help it” late people manage to be on time for job interviews/flights etc.

I remember on a similar thread a while ago a poster replying that that was because those things were important . Ha! So what they were saying is that they just didn’t feel the need to make the effort when it was just a friend sitting there like an idiot waiting for them.

Late people make me very, very angry. There is (unless they are ill/have dc problems etc) absolutely no excuse. It just shows that you think you are more important than anyone else that you can’t be bothered to try to change.

I get this for missing objects and trying to find things last minute but the PP also said other things will happen just before leaving such as ripping tights or getting something in her eye, that sounds incredibly unlucky for something like this to happen every time.

If you're constantantly rushing to cath up, these things are more likely to happen.

Can you remember the last time you were franticlly trying to do things in a hurry, with not enough time to spare? Accidents are more likely to happen when you're in that state, aren't they?

Now imagine you live your life like that every single day. Constantly playing catchup, always in a frantic panic before you leave the house.

@DottyHarmer

Yes, it’s uncanny that the “I can’t help it” late people manage to be on time for job interviews/flights etc.

I remember on a similar thread a while ago a poster replying that that was because those things were important . Ha! So what they were saying is that they just didn’t feel the need to make the effort when it was just a friend sitting there like an idiot waiting for them.

Late people make me very, very angry. There is (unless they are ill/have dc problems etc) absolutely no excuse. It just shows that you think you are more important than anyone else that you can’t be bothered to try to change.

So, because someone can run a marathon, it means they should be able to do that every day? That's basically what you're saying.

It may be that they've had to clear half a day before the interview or flight to ensure they get there on time. They can't possibly do that before leaving the house every day.

Why are you so determined to believe that people are doing it deliberately? Why are you so set on being angry?

I don't doubt there are people out there who are like this. There are plenty of narcs in the world, for a start.

However, given the considerable time people have spent on this thread trying to explain how this can be a result of nerological conditions, why are you still so determinded to believe that everyone who is late is doing it because they think they're more important than the person they're keeping waiting? Bizarre!

This is such an alien way of thinking to me, I can't relate to it at all.

Actually, the thing that made DD and I get to school on time despite surprise delayes was probably that DS doesn't start back till tomorrow. If this morning had been further complicated by needing to manage his needs at the same time as hers and mine, I don't think we would have managed it.

@shesellsseacats

I get this for missing objects and trying to find things last minute but the PP also said other things will happen just before leaving such as ripping tights or getting something in her eye, that sounds incredibly unlucky for something like this to happen every time.

If you're constantantly rushing to cath up, these things are more likely to happen.

Can you remember the last time you were franticlly trying to do things in a hurry, with not enough time to spare? Accidents are more likely to happen when you're in that state, aren't they?

Now imagine you live your life like that every single day. Constantly playing catchup, always in a frantic panic before you leave the house.

No because I always give myself enough time to spare as I know how long it takes me to get ready.

How do you get to work on time or make sure you don’t miss a train or a plane?