To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

@douliket

Yeah it would end a friendship for me if someone repeatedly agreed to meet me at a certain time then did not arrive at that time. If I’ve arranged a babysitter for my kids/DH has taken off work to be with them, then gone out of my way to get to the cinema on time, I don’t want to be standing there by myself as the time ticks on waiting for someone.

If that person said ‘sorry, I can’t go to the cinema as I’m not likely to make it in time to see the film, I’m incapable of being there at a pre-agreed time’ then I would possibly (if I liked them otherwise) arrange to visit them at their home instead if they wanted to remain friends. But no, I wouldn’t spend my limited free time waiting around for someone who won’t be there as agreed.

If you aren’t capable of arriving at an agreed time, don’t agree to meet at that time. Don’t say yes I’ll be there at 10 for sure and rock up at 10.30, it’s disrespectful to the other person’s time. Just admit you won’t be able to make it and arrange something where you will not need to arrive at a certain time.

Although I’m sorry to hear your daughter is having trouble with friendships. I’m also the mum to a boy with autism and see he is different to his peers. It’s very hard and everything which is easy for other children is difficult to him - however I don’t think it’s the case that every person who is chronically late had adhd/executive dysfunction/autism and due to this is totally incapable of learning to be on time. And if they were incapable then I feel they’d be best not making time sensitive plans, rather than making time sensitive plans and not adhering to them repeatedly.

[quote DrinkFeckArseBrick]**@BuddySpice* @itsgettingwierd* I've heard of that but never looked into it, so will have a look, thanks. I have a lot of ASD type traits but never been formally tested for anything as hold down a job and everything.

Am leaving this thread now as feel a bit embarrassed to be honest, have tried to be honest about how I genuinely struggle with timekeeping, to my own detriment as much as others, and lots of responses saying nonsense I'm never late for flights or work and am just a selfish / rude / shit friend and probably selfish and shit in most other areas of my life as well.[/quote]
Please don't feel embarrassed.

They are some people who are genuinely late due to difficulties in time management.

Most people here are talking about those who are never late when they want to be on time and that's completely different.

And there is a huge cross over between asd and dyspraxia.

I used to have a friend that was late for everything. One time we had arranged to go and do something at 4pm. It was a session from 4-6pm and she rocked up at 5.30pm. I refused to go and she had the cheek to look offended.

It got to a point where I would tell her something started an hour or so before it did, to trick her into getting there early or at least on time.

I can't stand lateness - I have so little free time that I hate to waste what time I do have, hanging around for people that are late.

How late are people discussing here when thry are talking of lateness? Someone will always be first and someone last regardless whether you are all and hour early or hour late.

My husband is always earlier than me everywhere buy by no more than 5 or 10 minutes. If we attend a party I will generally be one of the last people to arrive, if my husband also is there we will be one of thr first no one cares its a party but people always comment when he isn't there. If I'm meeting a friend ill be on time maybe even a minute or two early however in normally the last there if I meet one other as I tend to find people arrive earlier than thr time that makes me who comes on time feel late.

Late as in after you had agreed to meet up. So if you agreed to meet at 10, I would say you should both be there at 10, or a few minutes after at the latest.

Some people subscribe to the “I’m never late. Everyone else is just early” theory

Very annoying.

Dh is one of them. He’s on at me to make sure we leave at x time to get there for y

Fine. Me and the dc are ready by x. Dh claims he’s ready but then needs to go to the toilet, have a fag, roll his fags, get something in the boot, take something out of the boot… you get the idea

So actually we end up leaving at y and don’t get there till z

Then he complains about being late

I’m late for everything in my personal life all the time since having my LO. We’re talking a couple of minutes but it annoys me as I’m therefore always rushing as I feel guilty about being late and I genuinely hate being late as my first professional job drummed it into me that even if you’re late for a real genuine reason it’s still bad so I do get a bit anxious even now.

I had a friend who was always ridiculously late, not a few minutes but 30-45 minutes late, with no excuse and that just annoyed me. She was always self absorbed and this was just one example but as I got older I became less tolerant and I just don’t make plans with her anymore.

*I used to have a friend that was late for everything. One time we had arranged to go and do something at 4pm. It was a session from 4-6pm and she rocked up at 5.30pm. I refused to go and she had the cheek to look offended.

It got to a point where I would tell her something started an hour or so before it did, to trick her into getting there early or at least on time*

I have someone I do this with (a family member) in fact the whole wider family does it. So if X starts at 3pm everyone else will get there for 2:45, we tell Y that is starts at 2:30.

YANBU! It's rude and they call it a trait of theirs because they understand they are rude. They just try to laugh it off just like people who call themselves oh so blunt and honest while in fact just being rude and tactless.

I stopped making arrangements with people who are perpetually late years ago. Much better for the stress levels.

I totally understand but it definitely doesn't irritate me in the way it used to and actually I think it's sort of a trait in a way, it's kind of an inability to get yourself together more than thinking your time is worth more than other people's. My family was always early for everything and when I look at it now it must have been exhausting for my parents because no matter what else we had going on (and we had a lot as everyone was really sporty in my house), we were first and would wait until we could be early enough not to be rude. I hot married into a late family who lost something, car wouldn't start etc. My husband was horrendous for it but he never said 'they'll be fine, they won't start without us', or 'I'll be fashionably late' like some people here seem to think! Note: we're now in the middle, not first, but not necessarily last.

YANBU - it's a major put down as it's saying how unimportant you (and your time) is to them.

I'd be making fewer arrangements with someone who did this (and I don't mean the occasional time, with apologies and a text saying when they will be there; I mean rude this way regularly). Because it's a really clear way telling me I don't matter.

I can think of many better ways to spend my time

I think lateness is a symptom of massive disorganisation rather than selfishness.

I have a few friends who are always late. They will turn up 40 minutes late into an hour's gym class, arrive 1-2 hours after an agreed restaurant booking, or dinner at someone's house, and are always late for school. I try not to let it bother me as it is their loss, not mine. They all seem to also be very disorganised in life and miss things like secondary school deadlines, forget to pay for trips, turn up after the coach has left and forgotten the kids swimming gear for school, etc.

I don't think it is rude or endearing. Some people are just plain disorganised.

My DH is frequently late. His most obvious problem is that he calculates the time it will take to drive somewhere, but doesn't include the time it takes to find a car park, park and walk to the place.

His other biggest problem is that, unless it's something HE has arranged or HE really wants to do, then he doesn't bother his arse to make sure he's on time.

We have had Discussions about this.

These threads always go the same way. People claiming they start getting ready three days before, think of nothing else but still run late and are so upset about it. Well maybe that's you but I can assure you 99.999999% of late people aren't that. Most people just aren't bothered. They feel like spending an extra 30 minutes in bed or on their phone, or doing other things. I've seen this in person with boyfriends, family members, house mates and at times I've done it myself.

People that come on time don't have an instinctive sense of organisation. It's hard for them too.

Waternoice being early doesn't impact you.
If I'm meeting you in town at 10 and I turn up at 9 I'll mooch around town then go to meet you.
If I'm going to yours for dinner at 8 and I'm there at 7.50 I'll just wait in the car.

I just hate being late.
That's the crux of it.

Anyone notice though if you're late to the late friend they lose their shit.They don't like being left waiting.

Same washing machine friend was late another time because she was securing brackets on her toddlers chest of drawers.

And another friend was 40 mins late to meet me for swimming with our then 6 month olds.

She arrived, I forced myself to stay for 10 more minutes because by then my son was turning blue and shivering. Never ever.

*never again

@TreeSmuggler

These threads always go the same way. People claiming they start getting ready three days before, think of nothing else but still run late and are so upset about it. Well maybe that's you but I can assure you 99.999999% of late people aren't that. Most people just aren't bothered. They feel like spending an extra 30 minutes in bed or on their phone, or doing other things. I've seen this in person with boyfriends, family members, house mates and at times I've done it myself.

People that come on time don't have an instinctive sense of organisation. It's hard for them too.

If you see it like that, ie that those people who are normally on time (and who if they are not will let people know) as some sort of figure of ridicule, then no there is not likely to be any agreement.

I have huge sympathy for those who are living different lives in and NT world (and note that whatever their difficulties, they are striving to fit in, in most cases explain the difficulty and try to make the kinds of plans that are least impacted)

But for those who are NT and are so monumentally selfish that they prioritise 30mins on the phone to preventing their 'friend' from losing half and hour from their day - well that's just wrong.

Friend is in inverted commas, because they'd really not how to treat someone who you like. It's shoddy. If you want to be spontaneous and 'not bothered' about other people's time, don't make timed plans

@cheesemarmitepanini

And another friend was 40 mins late to meet me for swimming with our then 6 month olds.

She arrived, I forced myself to stay for 10 more minutes because by then my son was turning blue and shivering. Never ever.

I’ve had similar….it’s shit. Especially when there’s babies you’ve had to get ready. A friend of mine was meeting an old school friend with their young DC for a lunch picnic, followed by an afternoon in the park. The old school friend showed up an hour and 40 mins late. My friend was in the carpark ready to head home when she saw this friend - she went over and told her they were leaving. Other than one ‘I’m running 10 mins late’ text, there’d been nothing. She’d booked the afternoon off work as well - so rude

I have 2 relatives who have always been late for everything but they do believe they are more important than everyone else and are complete narcissists about everything not just time. It's frustrating and annoying especially as they don't give a shit about it.
I have a good friend who is always late but hers leans towards the optimism side of things rather than anything else and I just mentally book her in 30mins late for everything. It's usually because she's trying to do too much (often for other people) in the time available.
So I guess what I'm saying is that it's too broad to say everyone who does this is selfish but yes some are.

@username4s

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

I agree with you, I have a relative that is always late for every single meeting we make. Yet for work they are always on time

[quote douliket]@toooothacheee I am sorry to hear that you also have struggles with your boy. I have three of my children who are autistic and I understand how hard family life can be. The thing is my eldest is late for everything, she does her hair/makeup/tan/eyelashes etc..as this routine of hers is impossible to break. She can't prioritise anything before her routine. She has missed important school state exams as her routine went wrong and she had a massive meltdown and couldn't cope so she failed the year and had to repeat. That morning was horrendous for all of us at home but a real eye opener to me to exactly realise just how difficult it is for her to break routine. She was also devastated. It was a very difficult time for all of us. What I'm trying to say is, it may look like a person is prioritising other things but I know the reality for some is they simply cannot change that. Work is an everyday thing so their routine to get there in time may be easier for them rather than the various odd night out or coffee date that may only happen once a week/month. I just know it's a very difficult task for any of mine to be on time. I am autistic but I can manage it better as we are all on a spectrum so we don't all suffer with same difficulties, it just affects 2 of my girls. It gets them so down at times as they hate to upset others so often once the time to leave has passed and they may have spent 4 hours getting ready and looking forward to meeting someone, they simply can't cope with upsetting the other person by being late so they will cancel. We also get everything ready the night before but it's just not enough fit them 😔[/quote]
I do get that totally and like I said they have completely valid reasons for struggling to keep to time. If they felt able to be more open about it it would enable people to be supportive but I realise that in itself is very hard to do. But that is something they will have to deal with if they can't be honest about why they struggle so much, if people don't know they can't understand.
I hope they find a way to make a things easier it is so hard

But not everyone who is late for everything has a disability or anxiety or a genuine reason why they struggle. Some people do just arse about putting everything else before their commitments to meet someone and think the world can just wait for them to flounce in when it suits.