To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

To be more explicit, people seem to remember the times that I am late and forget the times I am on time.

And if you sit down and go through it with them, you get "Ok, I get that, but it's happened several times now - it's not just a one off".

And I look at them and wish I could be so perfect that I only make a mistake once in my life.

@Chouetted don’t you think the more reasonable strategy would be to acknowledge what your 100% is and then only commit to the 70-80% you can handle?

Thought I'd wade in to say that ADHD is a really complex condition that affects people in many many different ways - different individuals who struggle with lateness due to ADHD are often trying to cope with completely different problems and specific problems (such as distractibility) often get mentioned more than others.

Personally, I think I'm less distractible than many with ADHD but I suffer from really horrendous ADHD paralysis and I think it would help some people on this thread to learn a little more about this. It can't be solved by better planning or organisation. I've yet to find any sort of solution to it at all.

One of the first memes I saw on an ADHD Facebook group I joined soon after diagnosis simply read "sorry I'm late, I sat on my bed in a towel for an hour, staring at the wall", and it actually made me cry because this happens to me almost every time I have a shower. Basically, with ADHD, you don't have enough of the neurotransmitters that carry messages from your brain to your limbs. Which means that some of us are always getting stuck in these states of paralysis. Where you know you've got somewhere to be in an hour, you know it will take you an hour to get ready from this point onward, you want to get ready, your brain is shouting at your limbs to move but they won't move - you just sit there paralysed staring at the wall not moving. I lose hours and hours of my life every day to this paralysis. And I am late so often because of it. I am so relieved to finally understand that it's not a moral failing that's causing it but an inability to get messages from my brain to my limbs. I don't value my time more highly than anyone else's and I get really upset when people think we can just organise our way out of a disability like this. Some people can but it's because there ADHD affects them in ways that are fixable. Or they only have mild difficulties in these areas.

@Darbysmama That's exactly what I said I do.

I think you might have misunderstood me. I only put in 80% of the effort at getting there on time, and accept I will occasionally screw up. That means I have some time each day to relax and actually do things instead of constantly monitoring where I am, where I should be, what I should be doing, what I should be doing next. That would be a 24/7 job.

Right now I am about 60 minutes late for bed, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Equally if I miss the first ten minutes of the film, I'll ask you about it afterwards, rather than beating myself up about it.

But it might spoil the film for others waiting outside for you then going in and you showing up once the event has already started. Personally I wouldn’t just go into the movie and wait until you decided to show up, I would have gone home if you weren’t there. If you can’t arrive at the time arranged before the movie, you should let your friends know you probably won’t be there and they’ll be as well going in alone.

Although I guess we just have different opinions on it - of course I’m not ‘so perfect’ I only make a mistake once, but I don’t repeatedly make the same mistake knowing it affects others and expect them to deal with it. If I was entirely incapable of being reliably on time to an event I would stop agreeing to meet for things like cinema and would tell my friends I couldn’t reliably be on time to these types of things.

@Kanaloa Serious question. What makes you think I don't do just that?

As it happens, we prebook our seats at quiet times, because most of my friends are also autistic. None of them are so rigid or anxious that they're unable to go in without me if necessary. Those traits would probably have precluded us forming the friendship - I can't meet those needs, and they wouldn't be able to meet mine.

I was once memorably dumped by a boyfriend because we missed the last train and had to get the bus instead. To be fair, he had warned me - and I hadn't realised that when he said missing trains made him anxious, he didn't just mean that he'd feel anxious but would have some strategies for dealing with that, he meant "I won't be able to cope if that happens and we absolutely cannot do anything else".

Didn't mean to imply distractibility is a solvable issue for everyone with ADHD by any means - it clearly isn't from the examples some people have detailed. I just wanted to add my experience trying to solve a different kind of problem!

People do have reasons for being consistently late, it's not always about you.
I am autistic and cannot, for the life of me, be in time for anything. I also have autistic children so every single minute of my life is unpredictable no matter how far ahead I plan. And unfortunately there is narrow minded people like you Op. just when you think the world is advancing in understanding neuro diversity,we come across a post like this.
It is so disheartening😔
I pray and wish and hope for a future society that will accept my children lateness and all.
Autistic people can try to plan as hard as they can to be on time but mostly this is just impossible,no matter how many routine charts, star charts,memos,alarms,it won't matter.. we cannot do it at times.
No I am not rude,my children are wonderful and beautiful and kind and they are not rude. We also hate being late as we know the other person will think is a rude.
And nobody Knows I am autistic as I can mask extremely well(not by choice)
I was diagnosed recently has an adult.
My eldest girl is 18 and nobody knows she is autistic either as this is her wish. She isn't ready to divulge and trust the neurotypical world around her and I don't blame her when I read posts like this that seem to think that we all have minds that work the same as the OPs,well we don't, please try to be nicer and more educated,please.

My friend has ADHD and has always been late for everything. Some people are just rude though.

I struggle with my timing and getting things in order if I have 19 hours to do something I shall be rushing to do it in the last hour

Most of my friends are late so we are not too bothered by each other

My friends that are not tend to want me to do the running around to meet them and always have done so their laziness and my lateness equals out

I accept it can be annoying but I have other good qualities it’s not that I think my time is more important or I think my friends think that way. More often trying to juggle too many things at once

We just accept thats the way we are. I have to stay I don’t know why I do it as it certainly increases anxiety and I am already an anxious person. I am trying hard not to pass this on to ds who does struggle with organising (has learning difficulties but I am seeing these traits are from me )

Wow, this post has made me really really sad. Being organised is a cognitive function that not all people are blessed with.
Please all, try harder to be open minded and don't paint everyone with the same brush.
I really am so sad to hear how intolerant people are of this. My ten year old who is also autistic,cries and cries every night before school for fear she will be late again. We have tried everything,getting up an hour earlier,music,lists,charts. Unless you live with this I just don't think you will truly get how difficult it is for some to have that skill. I am so sad for my children for how intolerant people are of others differences. If someone is late consistently,it's obvious they have a problem with this process. There is an awful lot involved in getting yourself organised to be early or on time. My little one simply cannot do it and she looks perfect. You would never think she is autistic as most girls mask in public and meltdown at home.
It's really after upsetting me reading the above posts😔😔

douliket many people are accepting

MN can be a very uptight and judgy place at times

As mentioned some of my friends are lazy they never make an effort others can be tight with money but not their time, another a bit sulking at times but I still love them and they love me I don’t expect them to be perfect what ever that means.

Barring those with genuine reasons (asd, sudden emergencies, disability etc) being consistently late is rude and you are just full of shit excuses to try and justify your selfish behaviour.
It's not funny, or endearing, it's shit, selfish and rude.

I had a close friend who would always be significantly late for stuff and would think nothing of leaving me somewhere waiting. (1 hour +)

Washing machine /dishwasher needed seeing to
Needed to stop off at post office
Online grocery shop arrived (pre planned just decided to arrange to meet me without considering the timing of the slot)
Applying makeup
Decided to wash and curly blow her hair
You name it she did it.

I became frustrated and upset. She would always make me feel like I was a nuisance for asking where she was, like I was wrong for turning up where we said and when while she was still dicking around at home.

I gave her one last chance and she didn't turn up after 45 minutes or so, so I got up and left. I stopped answering messages and making any effort. Only see her now at group things. She ruined a great friendship where we did a lot for one another, but I refuse to be treated like that by someone who claims to care about me.

YABVU

@OhWhyNot thank you for your message, I really hope so ,I just found this thread so disheartening😞

@Chouetted

If you tell your friends you will be consistently late and will expect them to deal with that, and start events without you there as planned, then of course it’s their choice to continue to be friends and make plans with you. It wouldn’t be for me - like the boyfriend who ended the relationship after repeated lateness it would be a barrier to a good relationship with a friend for me if they couldn’t arrive on time.

But @toooothacheee how do you distinguish between people
With genuine reasons and those who don't.
My girls look like everyone else. They haven't told their closest friends that they are autistic due to anxiety that comes with asd. They mask extremely well unfortunately and this absolutely exhausts them every single day causing massive problems when they are at home in their safe place. They also don't return calls, they cancel plans frequently and they hate being like this. It is heartbreaking to see how many people here are just so judgemental and think that everybody possess every basic simple skill that they have. It just doesn't work like that. I wish you all could spend one single day in my home and you would soon open your minds and realise life is not as black and white as you seem to think. I am lying awake as usual,dreading the morning and the tears and the trauma of just simply trying to get out of the house on time. I know we won't and I hate seeing my girl so unhappy each morning as she just can't manage it😔

@Kanaloa

Really? The end of a friendship because they don't have the same organisations skills of you. My girls have no friends as it is and are so lonely and desperate to fit in. They have no one to sit with in school at lunch and spend a lot of time in the bathrooms. They hate being late and hate cancelling plans frequently but if they just had one friend that would understand they would see that my girls are so unbelievably kind and loyal and funny and couldn't hurt someone even if they tried. Just try to understand that peoples brains are wires differently no matter how "normal" you think they are. My girls would be devastated if people thought them as rude, my eldest is already aware and she is so unhappy in school and life right now because nobody notices her. She knows people don't like her and I know it's because she doesn't make facial expressions (looks rude not smiling) has cancelled plans due to anxiety and she is quiet out of fear of being different, it just breaks my heart.

@douliket

But *@toooothacheee* how do you distinguish between people With genuine reasons and those who don't. My girls look like everyone else. They haven't told their closest friends that they are autistic due to anxiety that comes with asd. They mask extremely well unfortunately and this absolutely exhausts them every single day causing massive problems when they are at home in their safe place. They also don't return calls, they cancel plans frequently and they hate being like this. It is heartbreaking to see how many people here are just so judgemental and think that everybody possess every basic simple skill that they have. It just doesn't work like that. I wish you all could spend one single day in my home and you would soon open your minds and realise life is not as black and white as you seem to think. I am lying awake as usual,dreading the morning and the tears and the trauma of just simply trying to get out of the house on time. I know we won't and I hate seeing my girl so unhappy each morning as she just can't manage it😔

But they do have genuine reasons, it's a shame they're not able to be open about it so they can be supported.

My son has autism (he's only 5)and I do understand the struggle. We have great days and bloody awful days but I get my shit together and do what I can the night before and try to ensure the day flows smoothly. When it doesn't go to plan it doesn't, but I always do my best.

But I maintain that people like my 'friend', are thoughtless and selfish. Make time to do the housework/hair/makeup before hand or just leave it and honour the plans! People like her manage to be on time for work and 'important' stuff but when it comes to people like little old me we can just wait.

I’m late quite a lot. Unless it’s a routine thing. I just seem to underestimate how much time I will take, even though when I calculate it I leave extra time for anything that may come up. But then I still run late. It’s not by much usually. It is rude, I know that. But it’s not deliberate. I don’t think my time is more important, I don’t think it’s funny or a charming quirk. I have anxiety and if I could sort the bloody time thing out it would save me feeling sick to my stomach every time I’m late. I just don’t know how to do better at this one thing.

Totally agree with prev poster, it's people who can be on time for stuff they have to be on time for whether it's work, matches whatever but are late for everything else because it's not important to them. Totally rude. I always think they're like the people who say " I have to say it as I see it" etc to excuse rudeness in what they say, but invariably manage not to "have to say it" when the person they're talking to could cause some problems for them.... Same belief that really other people aren't as important as they are .

And obviously that does not apply to anyone with genuine reasons for being late etc as some previous posters have described.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I was late for something recently as I'd got the kids in the car then popped back in to get a bottle of water for the kids. When I went back out I couldnt find my car keys. I retraced my steps a million times. I had to get my husband to come and help me search. He found them in the front door. It sounds stupid but this delayed me 20 min and I'd tried hard to get the kids in the car early.

This is so me too! The intention is always to be on time 🤷‍♀️

@saveforthat

Most people who are late to meet friends manage to get to work on time and catch flights.

No. They don't. It's not about you early people you see.

@toooothacheee I am sorry to hear that you also have struggles with your boy. I have three of my children who are autistic and I understand how hard family life can be. The thing is my eldest is late for everything, she does her hair/makeup/tan/eyelashes etc..as this routine of hers is impossible to break. She can't prioritise anything before her routine. She has missed important school state exams as her routine went wrong and she had a massive meltdown and couldn't cope so she failed the year and had to repeat. That morning was horrendous for all of us at home but a real eye opener to me to exactly realise just how difficult it is for her to break routine. She was also devastated. It was a very difficult time for all of us. What I'm trying to say is, it may look like a person is prioritising other things but I know the reality for some is they simply cannot change that. Work is an everyday thing so their routine to get there in time may be easier for them rather than the various odd night out or coffee date that may only happen once a week/month. I just know it's a very difficult task for any of mine to be on time. I am autistic but I can manage it better as we are all on a spectrum so we don't all suffer with same difficulties, it just affects 2 of my girls. It gets them so down at times as they hate to upset others so often once the time to leave has passed and they may have spent 4 hours getting ready and looking forward to meeting someone, they simply can't cope with upsetting the other person by being late so they will cancel. We also get everything ready the night before but it's just not enough fit them 😔