To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

@shesellsseacats

I really relate to this. My DD has ADHD. I am not yet diagnosed but I think it's pretty conclusive. I think that it's hard for some people who have more order in their lives to understand what it's like. I am a constant source of eye rolling and amusement for my friends as they just don't see how I can function In life being the fuckwit that I am.. it really upsets me but just can't help it no matter how hard I try. It's like there is a missing link. I don't know how else to explain it.

I totally understand why NT people would think - well, if having ADD makes you late, why don't you put some strategies in place like setting a couple of alarms?

The answer to that is (and this is not an exaggeration) if I put an alarm on for everything I need to remember but actually often forget on an average day I would have alarms going off all the time.

A good example - I take medication for another health issue.

I've taken this medication every day for 8 years. If I don't take it I have horrible withdrawal side effects.

I forget to take it all the time

It makes me feel really, really ill when I forget. I want to remember, I just can't.

I find it difficult to remember to brush my teeth, to have a shower, to take my medication, to decide whether to have breakfast, to feed my cats, to take my laptop to the office, to take the charger for my laptop to the office, to remember to take my card so I can pay for lunch, to take my security pass, to take my face mask, to remember the way to the office when I'm driving...

And this is when I haven't lost anything that I need (which is frequent).

I have some coping strategies in place for these things but imagine how many alarms I'd need between getting out of bed and leaving the house?

As a NT person - you just see the lateness and it seems so easy to fix. But it's one thing in a list of a million things that are difficult for me to do.

And I'm not always late. Sometimes I'm on time but sometimes...like at the moment when I'm also doing a 'big job' and under intense stress from financial problems from the pandemic it all goes a bit more to shit.

@MeredithGreyishblue

You meet at the cinema and you go in when you get there.

@meredithgreyishblue that depends on the person. For me, I would appreciate you giving me a reminder on the day, a reminder when you're on your way, but I would really prefer that you don't pick me up and we meet at the cinema, so that if I'm late it's no big deal and I can just sneak in and find you.

Also a high tolerance for the fact that I don't wear makeup, and may not have washed my hair or ironed my dress. Because I may have had to cut something in order to make it.

I'd also prefer that if you do have to wait, you don't honk your horn. I know you're there, and making me flustered just makes me later.

I completely agree. Im autistic and have shit timekeeping but I'm very rarely late. Because it matters enough to me to make sure I'm on time. I have clothes and other things organised the day before. I plan to be ready an hour before I need to leave. I make sure all the things I need to leave the house are where they're supposed to be. I don't get how you can be consistently late. If you're late, you're either not giving yourself enough time to get ready, or you're not prioritising being on time.

@MeredithGreyishblue

So, if every late person has a good reason for it and isn't being rude, how do we help you then? If we're, say, arranging to go to the flicks in a group of 4. You want to come. I want you to come. The other 2 people also want you there.

You can't help being not ready when we come to pick you up. So we miss the first ten minutes.

What's the solution? Genuine question. Do we drive you mad with reminders on the night / afternoon? Is that too intrusive/unhelpful? What can friends do so that it works for everyone?

I can't speak on behalf of everyone but probably telling me to meet you 30 mins before I actually should be there. Even if I somehow make it 'on time' which means you seem to be 30 mins late I'm hardly going to be annoyed!!!

I actually feel a lot of shame about being late / forgetful / disorganised / etc.

I rely on my DH a lot too to start telling me when I need to get ready and helping me find things I've lost. Luckily I have a very, very patient DH.

@PearlyRising
But every second thread on mumsnet descends in to who can be the most outraged by innocent remarks now.

Allelujah! Followed by a competition of who can make the most abusive comment.

Although, I will add, that aswell as autism I have an anxiety disorder and OCD. So I could have an unnatural need to be on time.

My coping strategies were enough to mask everything except being a bit of a procrastinator, unusually clumsy and forgetful until I was in my early 30's.

Yes, having children was the thing that caused my house of cards to come tumbling down completely.

A thing that I find useful for time blindness is timed playlists. I often don't notice time passing with a clock or a timer, but I will notice songs on a playlist. A series of playlists for 10, 15, 20, 30 and 45 minutes (and a speaker in the bathroom) helps me to avoid getting stuck and zoned out without realising that time has passed and is good for repeat journeys when I know that eg on my way to work I should be passing Waitrose when Atomic is playing.

Timed playlists are a great idea, but remember not to get lost in the music and sing along instead of doing the thing

I'm a very in the moment person. Mindfulness doesn't make much sense to me - it just sounds like my daily life.

I would love to have a better sense of time than just "now" and "not now".

I have ADHD AND dyslexia, and I've never been late because the idea of being late makes me chronically anxious.

That's why I always go on Google and check how long my journey will take, when my transport sets off, when I need to set off, and then go for the earlier bus/train/tram any way.

I get up earlier if I'm going somewhere important and I check my schedule the night before.

I lived with someone who was so nonchalant about being late for things that I'd have anxiety attacks.

It felt personal to me that they were happy to be late because they didn't care about how it triggered my anxiety when I'd taken all those extra steps to be early or on time.

It is rude. I have a friend who has perpetually been late all of her life. And has her family make excuses for her. When we were younger you'd ring her house to see where she was and her dad or sister would say oh she left here ages ago she's on her way. Then she won't turn up for an hour. It's very frustrating. And does make you feel like your time is not as important as hers.

I wont say I've never been late for anything but if I am its usually because I am trying to please everyone/fit too much in and end up late because of it. Not because I was going out at 9pm but sat watching TV til 8.30 and then only got in the shower and started doing tan and by 9pm still had wet hair, no makeup on and still hadn't decided what I was wearing 🤬 RUDE

I'm autistic and have ADHD - I'm perpetually late and I hate it. I have tried everything to try and be on time, but I seem to just lose time even if I'm on the way to the front door. It's like a million fireworks constantly going off in your head, grabbing your attention and making you forget what you were doing.

I used to set an alarm for 2.50pm to go and collect the children from school. My mum - bless her - used to ring me at 3pm every day to make sure I hadn't been waylaid before leaving the house. Part of the reason is that sometimes I look at the clock and I sort of "forget" what the time means. It's hard to explain. So I can see it says 3pm, but I can't always remember what 3pm is. Or I think it says 3pm, but then I doubt myself about whether I've forgotten what 3pm looks like.

I am well aware it sounds bloody mental. I can't explain it very well. I'm an intelligent woman who works full-time, self-employed, and has raised two children. I'm not an idiot - yet somehow this issue over time just eludes me. It's very frustrating.

Recently I learnt more about executive dysfunction which is a major factor for autism/ADHD. It's to blame for a lot of these types of issues re time.

I agree @BillyBearSpam. Those virtuously perfect, early all the time people need to step back and remember some people actually can have difficulties in life.

I'm rarely late, but my sister struggles with being places on time. She has her reasons and because I love her, I just make allowances.

My husband is ridiculously early, leaving himself at least half an hour to make appointments. This leads to me and DD sitting around in the car when we could have spent more time doing things we want/need to. But he considers this to be better than making someone wait 5 minutes like my sister does.

Also just to add that if I have even the smallest appointment, I spend all day preparing for it and getting ready to leave - and still manage to screw it up. It's absolutely ridiculous - I continue to try but I don't know what happens.

The most annoying thing is people texting that they will be running 15/30/60 mins late after I had to leave to get to wherever we are meeting on time. If you're running late occasionally, ok fair enough, but text me early enough that I too can chill at home a bit longer, rather than having me then wait around like a twat by myself in town/at the cafe/wherever.

I had a friend who used to do this to me all the time. Able to get to work and important commitments on time just fine. The first three times I kind of laughed it off and accepted her apology without further comment. The fourth time I sat her down and explained that while it may be her innocent quirk to constantly run late, it is my 'quirk' that this is something I actually find really upsetting even if it isn't her intend, so could she please not do this to me again. Made no difference. We are not friends anymore.

I won't meet with or go anywhere with friends who are always late. It's ruined too many occasions. So I just stopped.

I know I take ages to get ready to go out. So, keys and essentials are in my bag the night before. I start getting ready early on the day as I can't stand rushing whilst getting ready it makes me hot and bothered. So, I'm never late and stressed.

I'm not a 'naturally early' person, so this is what I do to make sure I'm not late. It works.

Hmm I'm not sure exactly how I feel on this one.
I myself am never late, my anxiety makes sure I am always exactly on time!

I think 5-30mins late is tolerable.

My partners family are always late for everything and I mean like we're having people over for kids birthday at 1. They all turn up at 3:30 even though they live in separate homes. I think that is awfully rude. (They are late to everything it's not a me thing, they were even late for a wedding as in bride and all her family just 2 hours late..)

My partner used to be quite like this also, but we spoke about it and he realised it wasn't on and changed.

Someone taking a phone call, not realising it's gonna take 20mins to get ready rather than 10 fair enough life is life.

To those who are continually late and say it isn’t rude/personal, and there’s absolutely no way you could help or prevent it, do you let your friends know in advance you probably won’t be/won’t be able to arrive at the arranged time?

So if you arrange to meet at the cinema to see a film, do you say ‘you know I’m not capable of time keeping so I probably won’t arrive at the time we have said we will meet. This means we may miss the beginning of the film.’

Or if you’re meeting for dinner, do you say ‘I may be up to x minutes/hours late as I am not able to arrive places on time.’

Also, do you have any worry/concerns about how it makes others feel? For me, I’d be upset if a friend was continually late as I hate being late for things. If I was late to the cinema as a pp has suggested I would go home rather than arrive into the movie late and miss the beginning.

Having said that if a friend is late to meet me more than twice I would just refuse to meet them in the future. I’ve done it before where certain friends are downgraded from cinema/dinner/days out friends to park/shopping friends, because then I can say oh I can meet you and the kids at the park, and if they don’t show I would go about the park with the kids and leave when we’re ready regardless of whether the friend had arrived.

I’m never late. I cannot bear being late for things and i despise when people are perpetually late with me. I appreciate things happen without notice and i can tolerate changing plans as long as i get a text or call to say I’ll be late or lets do this another day but my family dont do this. They wont give me times for visiting so I’m expected to sit in all day waiting for them despite them knowing what it does to me. If they do give a time say 1.30pm they wont turn up until 5.30 and then have a go at me if i dare complain as if I’m ungrateful. I hate the selfishness of people who are late, things happen i get that but every time you arrange to do something?

Also, do you have any worry/concerns about how it makes others feel?
So many worries about it! Time is a huge struggle for me with my autism, I hate it with a passion and have tried many methods, I'm very aware of how dickish it is to others, and feel like an arse/burden when it happens. Dh manages my time a lot for important things and I avoid doing a lot of other things as I don't want to be that person!

@wheresmymojo

Then I hope people are kinder to your DS than to tell him he's using his condition as an excuse when he (inevitably because he's human) slips up or says on a forum that he still struggles with one aspect of it.

I try my best to help my DS live in the real world where his condition is not always understood.

That means helping him to navigate social niceties that might normally pass him by.

It also means him understanding that whilst he doesn't value or finds some of these things difficult other people do and there are consequences for not valuing that.

I also don't expect people to be kinder. My experience is that they are not. He needs to be robust in that respect (and is).

I'm sorry that you struggle. Genuinely.

My son struggles with some aspects where his strategies are harder to manage or less effective.

Slip up's happen - that's fine. But that's not what's under discussion here is it.

It's regular latenesses. Every time.

That is something that can be worked on.

These threads get tense because frankly the majority of people who behave like this are simply NT selfish buggers but by the same token not being NT isn't a free pass to ignore social niceties.

I very much appreciate it can be hard.

I'm also not trying to be unkind. Just realistic (as I am with DS).

You are right that he was lucky to be diagnosed early and that has been significant in terms of how we can support him.

But he needs to function in this world and be cognisant of how his non NT behaviour impacts other people (and I should say as a family we do the same in reverse).

As above I wish you well and think that aside from the context of this thread and topic we'd have much more in common than you probably feel right now.

I think it's inconsiderate but realise that some people are just bad at getting places on time.
Having said that, I just crack on regardless.
If we have a group coming for a meal we start anyway, movies I just go in by myself, cafe I order a coffee. I don't let someone's lateness spoil my day.
I remember going to a picnic once, one couple arrived ( with no excuse) 3 hours late when we were all about to leave. Two lots of people left within 10 minutes, the rest of use stayed another 45 mins or so to be polite but it was their loss - we'd all had a good time!

But "regular" does not equal all the time. And for us, it is regular - I may only be late for you occasionally, but I'm late for myself very frequently, because everything I do involves me, so from my perspective it happens at least once a day - I'm up late typing this now because I forgot to put the washing in earlier, and now I have to stay up till it finishes, or I'll be naked tomorrow...

Also, some people have very difficult expectations to meet. There has to be some leeway on both sides. I find it very difficult to to cope with people who bang on about the fact that I've been late three times in the last six months, but I smile, bear it, and explain that sometimes my strategies fail, but I'm always trying to improve. Because I'm kind, polite, and aware I sometimes inconvenience people.