To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

I'm currently on my final warning from my GP after missing two appointments, so I just don't go the doctor any more.

I've missed exams.

I've missed events which are very, very important to me.

I've missed deadlines to claim thousands of pounds worth of money.

I've missed flights, but I have found a way of avoiding this, which is to book an early morning flight, and arrive at the airport the night before and try and get a bit of sleep on the floor near the check in desk. I still panic about it, though, and spend and hours obsessively going over contingencies.

Most of those things happened a lot more before the ADHD diagnosis, when I was trying to do things the neurotypical way, and thought that if I just tried a bit harder, I could be on time for things.

I can usually manage to be on time for a regularly repeating event, so if I were to have a standing date for brunch with you at the same café every Saturday at 11, I would probably be mostly on time after the first 6 weeks or so, once the preparation had become a routine, rather than a vast sequence of decisions which all have to be made correctly in the right order. And the hours of planning that go into developing a successful, timed plan for leaving the house and going somewhere are worth it for a regular event, but I can't put that amount of effort into every meet-up I have. .

And if I'm late, I might make a joke about it, because that's a lot more socially acceptable than being honest about the immense shame and guilt and sense of failure and worthlessness I carry around with me because things that other people can do with just a bit of thought and effort feel like the labours of Hercules to me.

Any kind of disregard for my time or what we've agreed bugs me. I've a friend who is often late, often cancels while I'm already on the way, OR really early. By the time I get there (I'm always a bit early) she's got her coffee take away & is saying she's going to into the shops so I can go get my coffee & find her if I want. Coffee line is always 10 min wait at least so no point. I can't get there earlier. I just make excuses & go home. I don't bother anymore.

I'm referring to your "shit at maths" comment. We're not talking about dyslexia.

Actually I probably have ADD.

I didn't know this until recently (39) so would have been considered 'neurotypical and rude' before.

That's why it's a bit weird when people on here say "...there are no issues, they're NT"

How do you know when many of us don't even know ourselves for years?

Not all neurodiversities are linked with poor timing but some definitely are. And for each diagnosis there is a spectrum of how badly that person is affected by each trait. I’m lucky I don’t have this problem but I certainly recognise it in some people and make allowances. Just as I would if someone had a disability that meant they couldn’t walk quickly. Some of the posts on here are really unpleasant

I'm glad people on MN have a sixth sense about whether people are NT or not though.

Perhaps they should consult for the NHS and cut the waiting times for a diagnosis down?

@EastWestWhosBest

He's learned to work backwards from when he is meant to arrive and plan all the steps and time required (plus adding some contingency).

Isn’t that what everyone does?

Yes - but it didn't come naturally to him as he's not NT.

It's something he has to think about much more carefully than me for example, step by step.

I heard a R4 show about this years ago and it really stuck with me. They did various tests on people who were chronically late and came up with two groups of people:

1. Were massive optimists and that carried over into how optimistic they were about planning timings for anything. So if they'd done the same journey 50 times and it takes 20 minutes on average, but once (and once only!) they did it in 10 minutes because the traffic was really light and everything just fell into place - well, in their minds it's a 10 minute journey and always will be, so they only allocate 10 minutes to get there and are surprised if it takes longer. And the same goes for all the other little tasks along the way - only allocate 2 minutes for teeth brushing, which doesn't count the time taken to get to the bathroom, apply the toothpaste etc. Only allocate 5 minutes to get dressed when that's how long it might take if the outfit were already laid out ready. So every single day they're overly optimistic about how long every single task will take, and it all adds up to making them late.

2. Just couldn't do reverse planning. So where most people will think e.g. 'I have to be there at 10, it'll take 30 minutes to get there plus 5 minutes to find a parking space and possibly 5 minutes to walk to the meeting point from wherever I park, so I'll leave home at 9.20. That means I have to get breakfast by 9, so I'll shower and get ready at 8. Ok, set the alarm for 7.30', these people just think 'I have to be there at 10' and then get themselves ready for 10, not factoring in that they're 40 minutes away. They're not just lazy though, there were actual differences on the brain scans showing they really weren't capable of doing the reverse planning - the only way they could do it was to have someone sit down with them and literally write it all out: 'Leave the house at 9.20'.

It might still be frustrating to have to deal with a persistent latecomer, but I found it really interesting.

Leave on time I dont get it) my friend was late for school meetings so she had to wait her turn. I met her last winter left her waiting in cold. She seemed annoyed. So no harm they knowing what its like hanging around for them!!!

I'm always early but will sit in my car or something
I work backwards so...
journey takes 1hr
Allow 15 mins for parking
Allow another 15 mins for traffic
10 mins for extra time
So I would set off 1hr 40 mins before I needed to arrive. So if parking takes 10 mins but I get stuck in traffic for 20, I'm still on time

Yes, what a time to be alive indeed. As it appears that every single person has an impairment and isn't just shit at timekeeping/full of bullshit.

Who knew hey? 🙄

That is what i find odd. Backwards is how you plan it.
Somewhere you have never been, check the Google maps, plan your journey, if it's too early to get there, you organise an over night.
School run, gate time, plan to leave 10 mins early, so you can find that shoe, or bag.. If your always looking for something that makes you late every time, then you need to change that, once or twice it's a mistake every day , your the problem.

Yeh, it's not a character trait, it's just failing to set off in time.

It is rude. I used to have a friend who was always late. Every time. Once, she only set off when I arrived. I couldn't believe it. I've just given up on that friendship. Because I think for some people it's a sort of test ''will she tolerate this''. That friend managed to get to work on time, catch planes, meet other people who meant more to her on time. I think when you realise that they can be on time for other people but not for you, it kills the friendship.

My late mum (late in the dead sense) had a friend who was notoriously late.

Used to drive us bloody mad.

Rude rude rude

YANBU, most people who are always late to social events still manage to get to work on time.

I have a friend who is constantly at least half an hour late with apparently zero awareness of it. But she’s a secondary school teacher who is head of department, she can’t be half an hour late to every lesson or meeting, so it’s not some sort of innate inability to be organised enough.

How many halfwits do you know who do this?

Halfwits? I have ASD and if I am meeting anyone i can be up to an hour early. I don’t make them feel guilty for waiting though

On one memorable occasion not only had we managed to have a meal but watch a movie in a cinema and still met them in the foyer as they arrived. They then complained that we had to leave as I had a late shift to go to

I find it's the complaining which is the giveaway; they think nothing of inconveniencing you, but how dare you think they should be?

@LukeEvansWife

How many halfwits do you know who do this?

Halfwits? I have ASD and if I am meeting anyone i can be up to an hour early. I don’t make them feel guilty for waiting though

Then it clearly doesn't apply to you?

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm referring to your "shit at maths" comment. We're not talking about dyslexia.

When my Mum ((who I have diagnosed with having ADHD and Dyslexia- but she would completely dispute)) is running around getting ready to go out looks at the clock and sees it says 13:53. She needs to be somewhere for 2.45pm and takes "about a 20 minute drive" - which is normally a 26 minute drive. She hugely struggles on estimating and adding how much time she has to hang up the laundry - 6 minutes. Write a letter, 5 minutes. Get a stamp and detour to the post office "5 minutes" (which is definitely over 10 minutes)

And I'm really glad that's not your idea of maths, but thats a significant challenge for her.

I hate lateness, a once off is fine but someone who is late constantly is just being rude. I've asd and adhd and even though it's a struggle , I'm rarely late. I'd only wait 15 minutes for someone and then I'd leave.

Some people struggle to organise themselves. Some people had adhd(many adults are undiagnosed) Unless they are are apologetic about it or were more than 10 mins late I’d shrug it off

Totally agree about how annoying lateness is. Admit I'm sometimes late but I am always embarrassed and apologetic and take steps to not be the next time.

But.. chronic earliness is also awful. My parents are those. Arrive at least an hour (sometimes 3!!) before we agree and then are upset that I'm not ready/there/still at work.

@Knittingupastorm

YANBU, most people who are always late to social events still manage to get to work on time.

I have a friend who is constantly at least half an hour late with apparently zero awareness of it. But she’s a secondary school teacher who is head of department, she can’t be half an hour late to every lesson or meeting, so it’s not some sort of innate inability to be organised enough.

Actually that's very much possible with ADD.

I run multi million £ projects at work...at home I can't remember to pay my cleaner, even when I'm desperately trying to.

I think it's very easy to make what seem to be logical decisions about what is and isn't possible for someone who is neuro-diverse when you are NT.

NT people need to realise that our minds don't play by the same rules as yours.

@Theredjellybean

"running late is not an Olympic sport you know"... Is uttered to good effect to anyone habitually late to meet me

Good one, wish I'd known this years ago!

I have mixed feelings about this one. I think many people genuinely struggle with this and wish they were different, feel bad/embarrassed and apologise profusely. I myself am someone who is almost always on time but by the skin of their teeth. But how late are you talking? Someone I know manages to be at least 40 minutes late to almost everything and for reasons I cannot wrap my head around. An example is if someone in her household asks her for a lift somewhere as she is on the way out (she's the only one with a car) she will say yes and leave me/whoever she is meeting waiting! There's no apologies either, just a bit of a light hearted "here I am at last" or whatever. These days I only agree to meet up at home because of it.

So 5-10 minutes I do not mind. 40 minutes is taking the absolute piss and suggests the person doesn't care about your time (unless there's a genuine reason for it obviously).