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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:

whatsthestory123 · 05/09/2021 22:08

op either go around or send a letter if you dont you will always regret not asking

if they decline you have to respect that and i know this cat has a very special place in your heart but if declined you would be great adopting a cat and making new memories

ninja · 05/09/2021 22:08

We were adopted by a young cat that finally moved in when our previous one died.

Turns out it's family had 4 kids and felt really guilty that we were looking after it but very happy that we were prepared to take it in as their kids wanted (and got) one they could push around in the pram!

He was a very independent but loved cat who died last year at 19

If he's with you all day they may well accept that he's adopted someone else and I think that you should be honest with the other house (not going to say his owners as I feel cats should be allowed some choice about where they live)

Sashimiandhisthunderpaws · 05/09/2021 22:09

I think you should ask but not sure what the best way to approach it would be. Maybe ask if there has been a change iat the home that has caused the cat to venture elsewhere. Possibly a new pet/baby.

My parents had 2 cats, then adopted a tabby. All cats got on. Then they adopted another kitten. Tabby didn't take to the new kitten. Gradually started spending time at a neighbour's house. Until he practically lived there. My parents were moving and asked the neighbour if they would like the cat as they thought he would be happier there. Neighbour accepted and that was that. The cat preferred to live with a dog instead of another cat.

It could be something similar for this cat and they may let you have it if it's happier with you.

52andblue · 05/09/2021 22:10

@FionasFanjoFondu

That's a great letter.
OP, I'd send a letter. Then they can have a think and get back to you.

I also think what @scarpa has said is lovely. If they say no then you know that the cat and you had an amazing bond and no one can ever take that memory away. Just like your lovely Mum. Sorry for your loss

tenredthings · 05/09/2021 22:18

I'm going out on a limb here. Cats choose their owners. They are very indépendant and we don't own them. The fact that this cat has chosen to spend all its time with the Op suggests he wants to be with her.

MumofSpud · 05/09/2021 22:19

OP - I am sorry for your loss, you sound lovely and the cat has really helped you through a tough time.
As a relatively new cat slave / owner myself, I agree with others and go and speak to them - start off by saying that he has really helped you / mention moving and see where the conversation takes you.
Now if they say no 1) the cat will NOT think you have abandoned him - they don't think like that - more likely is that he appreciates the peace and quiet in your house compared to his (if there are children there 2) I know you have said it is not about having another cat but it sounds as if some sort of pet might be a good fit for you?

HoneyItAlreadyDid · 05/09/2021 22:22

Just ask, OP. Cats do this. I think if it was a major issue they would have already have spoken to you about the cat. One of our cats did this with a family down the road. He was happier, the remaining cat was happier and the family he joined loved him.

I’m so sorry about your DMum.

icedcoffees · 05/09/2021 22:43

I'm really sorry about your mum.

But if someone wrote me a letter saying they wanted to take one of my cats I would think they were bonkers - you can't just ask someone if you can take their beloved pet to the opposite end of the country.

The cat comes to you because you feed it, let it in and give it attention. If you moved, it would just find someone else to get food and fuss from.

I know you love the cat but he/she isn't yours to keep. The cat has a family who are probably upset that he's not coming home anymore because you keep letting him into your house and feeding him.

Please stop and let him go back to his family.

LST · 05/09/2021 22:43

@tenredthings

The op still needs to ask the owners

ShuddaBeenMe · 05/09/2021 22:52

Just write a note with your number on, but be very prepared for them to say no.

I'm very sorry about your mum

thoughtso · 05/09/2021 22:54

My 1st cat (rescue) I never would have entertained the idea of someone else having him - not in a million years, he was my best pal and I loved him so much, but we had a very close relationship and I can't imagine him loving another person as much as me.

My current cat (also a rescue) if she would be happier with another owner (and obviously choosing to be with them) then yes I'd happily let her go and I could rescue another cat!

I know some people move without their cats.

Good luck op x

Dillidilly · 05/09/2021 22:57

I think its really important to remember this isn't a cat who will be staying in his own territory, just with a new owner in an adjacent house.
He will be moved away. Cats hate moving house because they are territorial, and find it incredibly stressful and distressing.
This will probably not be a happy experience for the cat, and I think the OP would find it very distressing too.

Idontbelieveit14 · 05/09/2021 23:00

Sorry to be blunt but I have been the cat owner in this situation and my neighbour has literally stolen him. She’s been absolutely awful saying he must not be happy at my house if he goes to hers but then admitted she’s been spoiling him with food. He does not come home at all now and it’s been very upsetting for my children. You have been through a lot and I’m very sorry for your loss but you don’t know what the cat means to that family either he may have helped them through tough times too.

MadeForThis · 05/09/2021 23:02

I would send the letter. Even if the initially say no, if the cat is very sad after you leave they will have a way to contact you if they change their mind.

GratedRed · 05/09/2021 23:05

I think writing a letter is a good idea as it means they can think and digest not react.
They know their cat is gone all their waking hours and might have already accepted it has another home. Write what you’ve told us, tell them what a special cat it is and thank them for allowing them to comfort you.

username4s · 05/09/2021 23:11

I would ask them OP I think writing a letter explaining is a good idea. It completely depends on their circumstances and how close they are to the cat. Everyone is different my DM is very attached to her animals and there is no way she would say yes. But I also know some people who aren't like this with their pets and might consider your circumstances and agree. I have a friend who I didn't realise even had a cat for about 2 years until I saw it stroll in her house.

Coachradley · 05/09/2021 23:17

How old is the cat? Because the cat will also die eventually.

Staffy1 · 05/09/2021 23:20

Aw, I hope you get to keep him, he’s chosen you as his family.

Staffy1 · 05/09/2021 23:24

@icedcoffees

I'm really sorry about your mum.

The cat comes to you because you feed it, let it in and give it attention. If you moved, it would just find someone else to get food and fuss from.

I know you love the cat but he/she isn't yours to keep. The cat has a family who are probably upset that he's not coming home anymore because you keep letting him into your house and feeding him.

Please stop and let him go back to his family.

But she has said it came for three years and spent all day there before she started feeding it, so it’s not about that.

LizzieW1969 · 05/09/2021 23:27

I would definitely ask, as long as you’re prepared for them potentially saying ‘no’, which they might well do. OTOH, family circumstances change sometimes and cats don’t adjust, for example if a baby comes along.

Either way, you won’t know if you don’t ask. But keep it breezy and light.

k1233 · 05/09/2021 23:30

Can't say my cats have ever abandoned me because someone else was feeding them. One used to go next door, waltz into their kitchen and help herself to their cats food. Food she wouldn't deign to eat at home of course.

I certainly would have noticed if she'd not been home all day for a long time. I can't see any harm in explaining why puss is so dear to you and that he seems to like you quite a bit and asking if they would consider rehoming him with you.

Zombiemum1946 · 05/09/2021 23:33

You could ask but, even if they say yes, there's no guarantee that the cat will be okay to leave it's current territory. It may potentially leave you to get back home. Cat or no cat, I would strongly suggest grief counselling. I hope things go well for you .

k1233 · 05/09/2021 23:36

With moving, I moved multiple times with my cats and they were fine. I'd keep them inside for a week, maintain routine and they were fine.

me4real · 05/09/2021 23:43

Cats hate moving house because they are territorial, and find it incredibly stressful and distressing.

@Dillidilly It takes them a week to adjust or something and then they're fine.

It may potentially leave you to get back home

@Zombiemum1946 I know we do occasionally hear (because they're unusual) of cats travelling in a van or something, but usually they don't. It's 60 miles.

I'm a great fan of cats being house cats, otherwise they often get run over or disappear, or maybe both. If you do get to keep it I'd make it a house cat @Ab4925 .

It's good of you to not just take it. I think I would TBH. It's hardly ever at theirs, anyway.

Bythemillpond · 05/09/2021 23:46

I would write a letter explaining what you have said here.
I would mention that for years you didn’t feed him but he kept coming back

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