Is this wrong after DM died?

[Ab4925]

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

I'm sorry for your loss .

If you can't adopt this cat, do consider adopting a rescue cat. It won't be the same cat, of course, and it won't have the precious link to your mum. but from experience of the death of beloved, elderly cats, if you adopt another you do learn to love a new cat. A cat, whichever cat it is, will give you that sense of being needed and that reason to get up and feed it, and so on. And you would be giving a loving home to a cat desperately in need.

Yanbu to ask but be prepared, they may be really quite angry that you've done as much as you have to encourage the animal to visit and remain with you. I'd be fuming if it was me, but I would be sympathetic to your bereavement and hold back for the purposes of the conversation. I wouldn't just give you my cat though. Remember, it's likely they love the cat just as much as you and will have been paying its vet bills etc for years.

Op I am really sorry for your loss.

I honestly don't think that you should ask the owners to give you the cat. You are putting them in an awkward situation.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[quote LST]@icedcoffees I'm disgusted by the amount of people who are just ok with the op to keep the cat. Utter twats [/quote]
It's grim isn't it?

That cat is someone's pet! You can't just keep it because it's cute and you feed it

You aren’t thinking what’s best for the cat.

The cat means the world to you right now because he’s being your support animal through your grief. You do not mean the world to the cat. You are a provider of a nice place to hang out within his territory, and get free food.

Territory’s far more important to a cat than people. When you move, he’ll look out for you for a few days because he’s used to his second hangout and snacks, then he’ll spend more time with his owners or visit someone new. He won’t be distressed, it’s not how cats are.

It you took him - even with permission - you’ll distress him. Your new neighbourhood might not be suitable for a cat who roams; traffic; other animals; outside safe space.

Bereavement is awful. I honestly feel for you and I have gone through the same recently when I lost my mum suddenly. Fixing your journey through grief to the presence of this cat in your life will hold you back rather than heal.

In your new home, think fondly of the wonderful animal who got you through your lowest moments. But let him go, rather than trying to cling to what’s gone.

I am so sorry for your loss and understand that you have had a very bad time. However, in answer to your original question, yes, it's wrong.
Our little cat was great friends with an elderly neighbour, visited daily and was some comfort after husband died. But she was never fed, and we were happy to share her but would not have given her away. When our neighbour also died the cat took to visiting the people who bought the house, just the same. It was part of her territory. She gave up when they got a dog.
You really should not feed other people's animals.

Also - you need to take a step back, emotionally. You are attributing far more to this cat than they are capable of. Its completely normal for a cat to go well over 9 hours without food, many cats are fed dawn and dusk. Cats are extremely disloyal and will go wherever they think there's a chance at being fed, and it's not unusual for them to go off and roam away from children even if they like the children. My cat loves my children when they are calm but if they get too boisterous for her she potters off, this cat is likely the same. The cat will not "feel abandoned" when you go, it will just go home where its fed. If it's got noticeably bigger in the time you've known it its possibly eating at home and with you and is in fact overweight.

Please OP, for your own health, do seek some proper bereavement support in RL, you need to prepare yourself for the very real likelihood that you won't be able to have this cat.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss lovely, of course you are utterly devastated. Would second what previous posters have said about proper bereavement counselling, it’s a good thing to do anyway (was v helpful after i suddenly lost my father) but especially because it’s clear you have, quite naturally, become very emotionally invested in your relationship with this cat off the back of your loss. But as other people have pointed out, this cat already has a family and you don’t actually know their situation. I would pop over and very lightly sound out that he seems to visiting you a lot recently and you hope they’re ok with it. I think their reaction to that would let you know how approachable they might be to someone else adopting him. Maybe they miss him a lot, maybe they’ve got their hands full with kids and would be happy for him to live elsewhere, you won’t know unless you ask but please do it knowing you might not get the answer you want.

I'm glad the cat's been of comfort to you but it's not your cat and to feed it is morally wrong. I'm sorry for your loss but you really need to back off from him, talk to the owners and explain what's happened and, if you can, apologise for monopolising him. Please do not ask to keep him as you may get a rude reply. Suggest they keep him in for a bit when you move and then adopt a lovely rescue who will signify the next stage in your life. Oh, and however tempted, please don't just take him with you as this is his territory and they are his family.

I would totally ask for the cat!
When we bought our current house the owners said that a neighbours cat had really taken to the female owner and they had cat bits outside the house. They regularly fed the cat, allowed it into the home and it was there when we viewed. They didn't take the cat but another neighbour told us that the original owners had separated and the male moved out and the female wasn't keen on the cat. The poor cat still comes to this house and cries at our front door. We have a dog though who is not keen on cats so can't 'adopt ' it or feed it. Would've been kinder if the previously house owners had asked to take the cat as now nobody wants it.

We once got a cat because he had basically chosen new owners - the new owners was my brothers work and he stopped going home. When he did it was only for short periods.

His owners and my DB spoke and they came to an arrangement for us to bring him home. He couldn’t stay at my DB’s place of work and his owner felt that he was unhappy at their house.

I would approach the owners and have a discussion and raise your concerns and explain that you would love to keep him if they would be happy to part with him. Be prepared that they will say no as they might love him.

Although if he is never at home they might be happy to give him to you.

Do the actual owners ever see him? Is he there overnight?

Definitely ask. I would be so happy if a neighbour wanted to adopt our 🐱 cat

In the kindest possible way, the cat is coming to see you because you are giving it food.

I don't think you can really go to someone elses house and ask to take their cat.

One thing to consider OP - if the cat is with you all of the time apart from overnight, have you been ensuring that they are wormed / given flea treatment etc?

I additionally think you need to speak to them because even if the answer is no they need to know his alternative home is no longer feeding him and they’ll want to know where to find him with new residents. I’d also tell new residents in your flat where he lives. This is if he stays where he is now.
Good luck op b

@QueenHofScotland

One thing to consider OP - if the cat is with you all of the time apart from overnight, have you been ensuring that they are wormed / given flea treatment etc?

Hopefully not as that's the owners responsibility!

It could be that the cat prefers your home for some reason, the children perhaps?
It happened to us a number of years ago (pre-children) that next door's cat kind of adopted us because she didn't seem to like all the noise/children in her own house. We ended up taking her when we moved (she's long gone now 😢) but the neighbours were happy for us to do so as she never really went inside their house anyway.
If you don't ask, you'll never know. If they say no, they say no.
I can't understand posters telling you how wrong you have been and that 'they'd be fuming' 🤷🏻‍♀️

@curlyLJ

It could be that the cat prefers your home for some reason, the children perhaps? It happened to us a number of years ago (pre-children) that next door's cat kind of adopted us because she didn't seem to like all the noise/children in her own house. We ended up taking her when we moved (she's long gone now 😢) but the neighbours were happy for us to do so as she never really went inside their house anyway. If you don't ask, you'll never know. If they say no, they say no. I can't understand posters telling you how wrong you have been and that 'they'd be fuming' 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't understand why some people might not be happy someone has been encouraging their cat to stay with them? Really?

I can't understand posters telling you how wrong you have been and that 'they'd be fuming' 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't understand why someone would be fuming because someone has been feeding their cat, not knowing whether he had to have a special diet? I would go absolutely mental if someone was feeding mine and, as I said before, would immediately shut him indoors if someone asked to have him.

I presume the real owner has been paying for flea and worm treatment and any vet bills during this time.

You need to get a rescue cat, OP. And before you do that you need to take on board the responsibilities of animal ownership, which begins with insurance, micro chipping and regular vet visits. Also look into the needs and nature of the animal you are adopting.
I wouldn't ask for that cat. It's got a home and a territory and it would be unkind to take it away.

It doesn’t sound as though the OP and her mum did encourage the cat initially though?

Yes fair enough for the last while they’ve been feeding the cat but that wasn’t the case at the start.

A convo with the owners should probably have taken place years ago. They might have asked you not to allow the cat inside etc and it would have avoided all of this I suppose.

We have cats locally who visit lots of houses - their owners have asked on public forums for them not to be fed but otherwise they are happy for people to look out for them. One has become quite famous as it goes in peoples houses for naps etc

Hi OP,
You have been through some very traumatic times, and you are obviously feeling very vulnerable and scared about your new life in a new area.
I think taking the cat with you (however you manage it) would be traumatic for the cat which would in turn cause you even more worry. My opinion would be that you leave him with his family, and then when you are in your new place try to get a rescue cat of your own. You could maybe foster some cats first, and pass on the love and care your neighbours cat gave you when you most needed it.

It doesn’t sound as though the OP and her mum did encourage the cat initially though?

Of course they did! They invited it into their house and gave it loads of attention!

Honestly, as hard as it is, I think you would be wrong to ask your neighbours if you can have their cat. I think you should move to your new place and maybe, if it feels right, in a few months look at adopting a cat from a shelter if you do want a pet cat

I think if you do choose to ask for the cat, it would be unfair on your neighbours to put the back story in about your mum and your grief, that's quite pressuring even if you don't mean it to come across that way.

If I really felt I had to ask, I would just keep to a brief conversation or note about how cat has been visiting you regularly, in spite of you not encouraging it initially but now you are moving, you feel attached to it and if they even did wish to rehome could they consider you and leave forwarding details.

And also tell them your current address in case they have been wondering where their car has been going... They can go get it if it continues to hang around your house.