Is this wrong after DM died?

[Ab4925]

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

One of my previous cats moved in with me after he decided he didn’t want to live with his current owner after she adopted a new cat. I think some cats make their own mind up where to live. I went round to give him back but he was straight back to mine. Eventually I just asked if I could keep him and she agreed.
I’d put a letter through the door explaining the cat helped you through a difficult time and how attached you are to him with contact details. Hopefully they’ll be happy the cat is happy. Or does he have a chip? You could ask the microchip company to contact on your behalf if the owners don’t respond the company will change ownership to you after a month.

You really don't need a poll. I know some people who accept that cats choose their own homes and a lot of people who don't. A poll won't tell you what kind of people your neighbours are.

Strike up a conversation next time you see them. Tell them the situation.

If you don't talk to them you won't know how they feel about their cat. It may be that they're not too attached and you realise you can ask.

Or they might respond to the conversation with his much they love the cat and all the joy it brings the family. Then you'll realise the cat's loved and you'll likely have your answer.

Or just say you're moving soon and you really wish he could come with you. Tell them you'll miss him and that he's got you through this tough time.

But be light and breezy, don't be intense and emotional and perhaps use this time to brace yourself to say your goodbyes.

I can understand why you’d want to keep the cat. Animals are healers. There is no harm in asking. Explain what you’ve written, that the cat spent your mother’s final moments being comforted by it and that the cat has helped you start to heal. Understand that they may just say no or could possibly be offended. But if that happens, what is the real harm? You’ll give the cat back, which would have happened anyway even if you hadn’t asked, and you’ll move and you’ll probably never see these people again, so it’s not like you’re risking a great friendship. It’s a low risk and possible high reward scenario. You only have a shot if you ask.

I dont mean to be harsh but I really dont think you should ask for the cat. (I actually can't believe how many people have told you to just take it). I do understand what you're going through as not so long ago I lost my mum too and my cats were a great comfort, especially at night when I couldn't sleep.
One of mine used to spend time at an elderly lady's house, I didn't mind but I suspect she locked him in on a few occasions as he normally comes back when I call him. This led to sleepless nights worrying something had happened to him.
If someone came to my door asking for my pet, i'd think they were barking mad, I have to be honest, and my answer would be no.
I'm not saying cats dont sense things, they do, he may well have sensed your grief and wants to be around you but that doesn't mean he isnt happy with his own family.
If you really must, i'd just ask if when you move would they mind sending you a little update now and then as he's been a great comfort to you, you never know, they might say you can take him but I wouldn't bank on it. There are lots of lovely cats in rescue centres who need good homes, its something to consider.

I am sorry for your loss, it's very difficult.

@me4real

Cats hate moving house because they are territorial, and find it incredibly stressful and distressing.

@Dillidilly It takes them a week to adjust or something and then they're fine.

It may potentially leave you to get back home

@Zombiemum1946 I know we do occasionally hear (because they're unusual) of cats travelling in a van or something, but usually they don't. It's 60 miles.

I'm a great fan of cats being house cats, otherwise they often get run over or disappear, or maybe both. If you do get to keep it I'd make it a house cat @Ab4925 .

It's good of you to not just take it. I think I would TBH. It's hardly ever at theirs, anyway.

Making a cat that is used to roam a house cat is down right cruel

A letter is a good idea.

Just preface it by saying, look I realise this will sound odd and I sincerely hope you are not upset or offended by this. It is a genuine and heartfelt request but I will fully respect your decision of course.

This assures them you won't steal the cat and that you have considered it from the pov.

Do it. You have nothing to lose.

Let the cat stay overnight.
As you say if he's not been home for months in the day, surely they cannot be that attached to him. Does he even go home at night do you know? He may never actually go home anymore. Definitely ask, nothing to lose

My friend adopted two cats from a shelter, she was told they were a bonded pair but in her home it was clear the 'bond' had been broken or it had never been there. The male cat terrorised the timid girl until he began hanging out with the retired couple next door. My friend suspected they seducing him with treats but didn't say anything as they were a sweet couple who would happily look after the cats if ever she went away etc.

.A few years down the line, my friend married was planning a new life by the coast. The retired couple were devastated about loosing the male cat and asked if she would consider letting him stay with them as they had become so close to him.

It was arranged on a trial basis, a month. They kept in touch - still do. The girl cat is much more relaxed. The male cat is adored by the retired neighbours.

It can happen. They can only say 'no'

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Cats seem to choose their owners and the cat has chosen you. I’m not suggesting you steal the cat, but how often do his actual family see him…. What @Saz12 says sounds like a good suggestion.

But she has said it came for three years and spent all day there before she started feeding it, so it’s not about that.

Yes - because she let it in and gave it attention and company.

You can't just ask to take someone's cat to the other end of the country because it's cute and you've grown fond of it!

@arcof

Let the cat stay overnight. As you say if he's not been home for months in the day, surely they cannot be that attached to him. Does he even go home at night do you know? He may never actually go home anymore. Definitely ask, nothing to lose

Or maybe they're really upset because their beloved cat has disappeared because a neighbour keeps letting it in, fussing and feeding it?

I currently cat sit for someone with multiple cats and one hasn't been home for weeks. He does it regularly and when he comes back he's clearly been very well fed elsewhere but the owner has children who get really upset because kitty doesn't come home anymore.

There are pictures of the kids who clearly love the cat and he clearly loves sitting with them and being fussed by them.

I really can't believe the number of people saying it's acceptable to do this to another family. The cat has a home and a family who feed him, pay for his insurance and vet bills etc. Let him go back home.

If OP wants a cat there are thousands in rescues all over the country. She can't just take someone else's!

@LST exactly.

@icedcoffees I'm disgusted by the amount of people who are just ok with the op to keep the cat. Utter twats

Also as I am sure others have said if you ask and they say no, this means that the cat is much loved so this should comfort you a little?
Please update us - I woke up this morning and your thread was the first thing I thought of!

F

I am so sorry for your loss. This cat has been such a comfort to you, which is lovely.

Unfortunately it's not your cat. Cats are opportunist animals and will go where they find what they want (I work in animal welfare). Although you did not initially feed the cat you let it in and gave it shelter and attention, therefore it kept coming. It now comes for that plus food.

For years I suspected my cat had another place she was going, as she would disappear for hours. I found out later my neighbours were letting her in for food and cuddles. I was 12 and would spend ages in the garden worrying and shouting for her.

Before you go give the cat a huge cuddle and say thank you and goodbye. Once you've moved you can get your own cat.

I'm so sorry, you do sound like you're struggling and it's totally understandable. Lots of love to you op.

To those suggesting she just take it - cats are property by law therefore this would be theft.

@TofuCat

One of my previous cats moved in with me after he decided he didn’t want to live with his current owner after she adopted a new cat. I think some cats make their own mind up where to live. I went round to give him back but he was straight back to mine. Eventually I just asked if I could keep him and she agreed. I’d put a letter through the door explaining the cat helped you through a difficult time and how attached you are to him with contact details. Hopefully they’ll be happy the cat is happy. Or does he have a chip? You could ask the microchip company to contact on your behalf if the owners don’t respond the company will change ownership to you after a month.

This would happen far less if people stopped feeding and encouraging other peoples cats.

Nobody would dream of feeding and encouraging any other pet that wasn’t theirs into their houses, yet folks are always saying “oh this cat chose me” - every cat (and Fox) in the area would choose people that fed them the nicest good.

@bobandhisburgers the doors or windows are open at the back. He is free to come and go and goes to the toilet outside in the garden. If the windows are shut he bangs on the window for me to let him in.

Op, let me start by saying I am very sorry for your loss.

In regards to the cat, this may sound harsh but he won't be distressed when you leave. He would be more distressed if you took him, as cats are extremely territorial. He comes to you because you're home, fuss over him and feed him, which you are aware you shouldn't ever have done, and must stop doing so now. He isn't your family op, he is someone else's. As attached as you feel to this cat, he's with you because you're giving him attention, nothing more. You absolutely cannot ask someone to take their cat, when you have already been feeding him and encouraging him away from his home. He isn't yours. Whilst I absolutely sympathise with your heartbreak, it's not fair on the cat or it's owners to ask this of them. I would absolutely say no way if it was me.

If you love this cat as you say you do, you'll do what's best for him and leave him at his home. You can rescue a cat when you move and you will have a bond with that one too, even more so probably as it will be yours. Best of luck 🤞

@Coachradley He’s been visiting for 4 years and was quite small when he first started coming. I think he must be around 5.

@lyntheyresexpeople beautifully put.

@Ab4925 it's clear you care very deeply for this cat, and he's given you great comfort at a terrible time for you. You say that since March last year you have treated the cat as your own. Does this mean you have insured him, given him monthly flea treatments? What would you do if he became unwell? Have you registered him with a vet? There's a lot of responsibility and expense that goes with having a cat.

I had to feed an ndn's cat in my house due to them leaving for emergency repairs. He still visits daily and he lap sits, a most affectionate cat. He was very good with my elderly cat whom I lost a few months ago. But his owners love him dearly. So be prepared for them to say No if you ask.

Sitting next to me is a little 4 year old cat who was abandoned with 5 kittens and fostered by the local rescue. She's becoming the companion my elderly cat was whom I'd had for nearly 20 years. You could get to know a local private rescue when you move and even adopt a kitten. I have a large garden and mine runs in and out during daylight hours

Contact the owners and explain the situation.

Years ago, a lovely ginger cat started visiting us regularly and staying in the garden. He had a collar on so I attached a note to his collar with my phone number. The owner rang a couple of days later and said she had two cats and a two children and this cat didn't like being in the house with the children but the other cat was perfectly happy there.
She asked if I'd like to keep the cat and so he came to live with us. He was such a lovely boy.

You have been through, well are still going through a devastating time Op.

But I still think you would have a bloody cheek to ask someone else for their cat because of it.

I think you are reading too much into it all & I'm sure that the paramedics didn't help by saying that the cat "guarded" your Mum.