Is this wrong after DM died?

[Ab4925]

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

I think sometimes cats make their own choice of who they want to be with.
Sounds as though this cat is not all that happy at home, and wants to be with you.
Be prepared that they might say no though. I really feel for you OP. I had a dog that was my companion through some very traumatic times and I know how important that bond is.
I am so sorry that you lost your Mum, so young, and so suddenly.

One of our cats is a funny old girl. We love her very much and she wants for nothing, but she was a rescue with an abusive past and she's very wary - she'll tolerate a stroke and a fuss sometimes and she sleeps on the end of our bed at night, but keeps mostly to herself and goes out a lot.

A neighbour about 6 months ago asked if we minded that she often took herself there and had a little snooze curled up on their lap - she was really apologetic and worried she'd accidentally stolen our cat. I said we didn't mind at all, and that we were happy she'd found a person she was comfortable with. She sends us the odd photo sometimes of our grumpy old girl purring away when she's over ther visiting and it makes me incredibly happy - she still comes home for a feed and sleep and to croaky-chirp at us, but she has found her person apparently.

If this lady came to us and said she was moving and she wanted to know if there was the possibility that our girl could go too, I think we'd say yes. I know she'd be loved and happy.

Ask.

And if they say no - well, then this little cat was there at the time you needed her the most, and now you are moving on, but that doesn't make the bond you had with her any less special or needed at the time.

Please, please don't write what you've written here. Your posts are very emotionally intense, and I think you'll freak them out. They're going to find it quite disturbing I think. I know I would. In their position I'd have sympathy with you, but your depiction of the cat as somehow your spirit animal is something I'd find quite disturbing if said by someone I don't know, about my cat.

To be honest, I'd speak to them, not write. Just say you'll be moving, but it seems that the cat has pretty much moved in with you over the last few years, and you've formed a close bond. You're concerned that it will be confused when you go.

I get the impression that it's not seen the inside of their house in a very long time, so they might just say you can take him.

@saraclara

Please, please don't write what you've written here. Your posts are very emotionally intense, and I think you'll freak them out. They're going to find it quite disturbing I think. I know I would. In their position I'd have sympathy with you, but your depiction of the cat as somehow your spirit animal is something I'd find quite disturbing if said by someone I don't know, about my cat.

To be honest, I'd speak to them, not write. Just say you'll be moving, but it seems that the cat has pretty much moved in with you over the last few years, and you've formed a close bond. You're concerned that it will be confused when you go.

I get the impression that it's not seen the inside of their house in a very long time, so they might just say you can take him.

Yes I agree with this, keep it very light, say that cat is with you an awful lot and you are v fond, and can you take him with you.

@scarpa - beautiful post.

First of all I'm very sorry for what you've been through. However if it was my cat and someone asked to take him away the answer would be no and I'd keep the cat in until I knew they'd moved in case they stole him.

They won’t say yes. He’s their cat no matter how much he likes to be with you. I’d say no if you asked me.
You will make a wonderful owner of a new (rescue) cat that really needs a loving home. Please rescue a new cat or 2 of your own

Don't write what you've written here. Explain that you've had a difficult year as we all have and that the cat has been a great companion and you'll be sad to leave him. Say that you're very fond of him and although it's a lot to ask you'd love to take him with you. Promise a good home and continued consistant care and love.

The worst they can say is no, but it's worth a try. You'll kick yourself if you don't ask. I really do hope they say yes, even if it's a long shot.

Lastly, I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope this move will be an excellent fresh start for you, whether Mr Kitty is there or not.

So sorry about you Mum 💐

I think I’d ask too. Although I wouldn’t mention feeding the cat.

We had a cat take to us during a tough time. Turns out the reason he took to us was because the owner couldn't care for him. So you never know. He is now our baby and the previous owner stays in touch and is grateful that cat boy has a loving home.

Sorry late to thread and haven't read any post except yours.

I loved my cat very much, he loved me very much, the first child he tolerated the second he hated. He'd come and say hello to me every day when the kids were in bed but I became someone he visited. He moved in with an older couple across the road, He Chose Them. When I moved I left him behind because I loved him so I did what was right by him.

So op ask. Who cares if they think you are batshit, you are moving and won't see them again.

Writing a letter explained that you love the cat, and he’s helped you through a hard time is fine, and suggesting that if they every wanted to rehome him you’d be delighted- and leave an email address.

In terms of a new cat, I know you want the o e who looked after you- but can you reframe that- a cat got you through, and there are plenty of other animals out there that need the same level of love and commitment t he has taught you about- a kind of pay it forwards?

How does the cat get in and out of your house? Because if you've been shutting it inside with you then it's had no choice but to stay.

Where does it go to the toilet?

OP I'm sorry for your loss and completely understand about the cat.

Be MORE than prepared for a no, but I agree a letter is the best approach.

Be careful how you phrase it: I think i would try something like:

Hello

As you may (or may not!) be aware, your lovely DCat was a very frequent visitor to my me and my mum for around three years, spending most days from 5am till when we lock up at 10/11 with us. We avoided feeding and always turned her out in the evening, knowing full well she has a loving home. When my mum died suddenly in * Dcat stayed with her until the paramedics came and then stayed in the house for the next few days which I found hugely comforting. Since then, she has been my constant companion and I confess, I have begun feeding her on occasion.*

I am moving away shortly and very sad that I won't see DCat any more, and also a bit upset that she might be confused that I have gone. I do realise that this sounds a bit mad but I just wanted to tell you what wonderful company she has been to me, and ask - if you don't mind - for the occasional updates on her?

And if, by any remote chance, you were now or ever in the future needing to rehome her, I would jump at the chance. I honestly love her to bits and would take the best care of her.

Here are my details: xxxxx

Best wishes
AB

Or summat like that?

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you'll need to talk to the owners because even if they don't want to let the cat go with you, they'll need to know that's he's facing a big change and may want to keep him in so he doesn't look for you once you've gone. I suspect like most cat owners though, they'll be aware that cats choose their owners and this one has chosen you. Chances are they know he's been with someone else anyway. Ultimately they may feel it's easier to let him go with you than cope with him being miserable

Take the cat.
Take the cat.

You've had enough to deal with and the cat chose you. Cats do that. If they're not being reliably fed especially.

Is it inappropriate to offer money for the cat? I’m prepared to offer any money I have / take a loan if needed. He’s my family and I would if I have to.

@Ab4925 You could defiinitely mention that you're willing to to them.

@Ducksurprise

Sorry late to thread and haven't read any post except yours.

I loved my cat very much, he loved me very much, the first child he tolerated the second he hated. He'd come and say hello to me every day when the kids were in bed but I became someone he visited. He moved in with an older couple across the road, He Chose Them. When I moved I left him behind because I loved him so I did what was right by him.

So op ask. Who cares if they think you are batshit, you are moving and won't see them again.

Exactly. Our neighbour's cat chose us when I was small and the neighbour who was very nice, told me honestly years later that she'd been having a bad time and that she wasn't a very good pet owner. Often had no money for food etc.

If I were you I would speak to them and phrase it as "if you decide you no longer want the cat, please could you get in touch with me etc". That way, you're not saying Give Me Your Cat, and leaving them an out if they do want to keep their pet.

I also agree with posters who point out that your story is somewhat intense and might bother them, so I'd keep it lighter than on here. If they don't want to rehome their cat with you, I would look into offering a home to a cat from a shelter. I know it's not the same as the cat you've bonded with, but this cat will not be the first and only cat you will ever feel a connection with.

This has been such a hard time for you, I think counselling would be very helpful for you as well.

@FortunesFave

Take the cat. Take the cat.

You've had enough to deal with and the cat chose you. Cats do that. If they're not being reliably fed especially.

For god sake do not just take the cat!!!! This is ridiculous advice! You cannot just take something of someone else just because you want it! You literally have no idea about how to owners treat their cat, it was clearly well fed and looked after before the OP started feeding it and keeping it inside. It was alive for at least 3 years before it started staying overnight so clearly not neglected and the OP has made no indication that it was in a bad state before.

So sorry for your loss. You have nothing to lose by asking .

We had a cat who practically lived down the road. She occasionally came back , looked at us and walked out again. When we were moving they just knocked on the door and said they had been attached to her and every day when we were at work she spent all day at their house and could they keep her . We agreed . We took our other cats but tbh this one just was not interested in us . She lived a few years after we moved and the rang us when she passed away .

Just ask ! Best of luck.

I am so sorry for your loss, @Ab4925.

You can make a tactful request to the cat’s owners, but you should be prepared for the possibility that they might say No.

But if they do, there are lots of cats in rescues, who need a forever home, and you could look at it as paying forward what this cat did for you. So they helped you through this very difficult time, and now you can find a cat who needs a home, and help them through their difficult time - if that makes sense.

@FortunesFave

Take the cat. Take the cat.

You've had enough to deal with and the cat chose you. Cats do that. If they're not being reliably fed especially.

What a horrid thing to do! I hope you don't live anywhere near me. Despicable

Do contact them. Don't just leave without the cat not knowing what the set up is. For all you know he just wanders around at night until he can come back. But if they refuse to give him to you, stop feeding him so he has time to go back and re-settle with them before you leave. In that case I'm sure you can find a deserving cat in the town you're moving to x

I’m sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time.

However, if someone asked to take one of our family pets (you mention the owners are a family), I’d think you were either unhinged or a CF. The background you shared here would feel like a massive guilt-trip and feel pretty unreasonable.

I get you’ve found comfort in this visiting cat, but cats will be pander to who gives them a stroke (how many times will a cat follow someone down the street a bit after a little attention?!) or feeds them. I think you need to leave this one (at most mention to the owner family that you’re moving and the cat has recently been spending time at your place) but then consider adopting one of your own. You’ll find one that’s perfect for you and in need of a good home (not just another feed).