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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do toddlers really *Have to go to nursery/pre school?

139 replies

Turnthefanoff · 05/09/2021 16:38

If you don’t work so it’s not a necessity they don’t go, does it matter if they don’t? Are they losing out if they don’t?
Started my Ds at pre school this week, he’s cried the whole time, much happier at home and with friends on play dates, I’m wondering if I don’t need to, why am I sending him 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it pressure from society that they should be in pre school? Or is it beneficial for them to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Turnthefanoff · 05/09/2021 16:39

Only 3 mornings per week

OP posts:
Indigomint · 05/09/2021 16:40

I think it's beneficial for them to go if they're ready. Otherwise , no , they don't really need to.

Oblomov21 · 05/09/2021 16:41

The simple answer is no.

How old is he? Has he mixed much before? Is he very shy?
Mine ran off with barely a backward glance, but that was their personality.

scully29 · 05/09/2021 16:41

No they dont have to go, maybe wait till hes older?

Thehop · 05/09/2021 16:41

As above. If they’re not ready wait a while,

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 05/09/2021 16:42

Personally I believe it is better to get them used to it so that school doesn't come as a big shock. But it very much depends on the child, my almost 3yo loves nursery but that won't be the case for all.

In your shoes I'd give it time, he needs a chance to settle in and make friends.

WisestIsShe · 05/09/2021 16:42

Some children love it, some children don't. Some children aren't emotionally ready for a group setting at such a young age. If you don't need him to go and he isn't enjoying it just stop. Maybe he'd like it better after Christmas? Or Easter?
I don't think it's necessary until they get to about 4.

Whinge · 05/09/2021 16:43

Did he really cry the whole time he was there for the 3 mornings, or was he upset on drop off and then settled afterwards?

I think it can be really benefical for children, but it's not something you have to do.

CatMandarin · 05/09/2021 16:44

No I don't think so. Late dh grew up in another country where they start school at 6. He never went to nursery as parents couldn't afford it. He did well academically and had really good social skills. Could get on with anyone

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 05/09/2021 16:44

If he doesn't like it, you're right there's no point. Did you talk to his keyworker? Does he actually cry the whole time? Does he ever say anything positive about it?

For DD it was the best thing ever for various reasons, for other children it can be pointless or actually quite upsetting. It all depends what's best for your kid.

CMZ2018 · 05/09/2021 16:46

They don’t have to no, once they start school they’ll catch up eventually

Bunnycat101 · 05/09/2021 16:47

Even if I wasn’t working I’d have definitely sent mine for some sessions from 2. Not all pre-schools/nurseries are equal though so I’d give it a go (and a good go otherwise he’ll never settle)but if it’s not working potentially think about a different setting.

If separating is an issue, I think it is much kinder to manage that at nursery age with a higher ratio and greater level of care than in reception. There were some children starting at my daughter’s school who had to be carried in kicking and screaming by the TA each morning and it was hard to watch.

SylvanasWindrunner · 05/09/2021 16:47

No one has to go. I think some children do really well (DD absolutely thrives there) and others less so because they're all individuals with different characters and personalities. If he doesn't enjoy it and doesn't need to go then there's no need to send him. But it's normal for them to take time to adjust to somewhere new, and crying this week doesn't mean he won't end up loving it and getting a lot of benefit out of it.

Quornflakegirl · 05/09/2021 16:48

I didn’t send my dc (twins) until they were 4y3 and then it was only 15 hours a week. They settled quickly in Reception.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 05/09/2021 16:48

They don't have to of course, but I do believe it is beneficial for most children.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 16:48

If it’s not necessary, no they don’t have to go or even need to go to nursery. Not going isn’t going to put them behind their peers academically. Similarly, going to nursery isn’t going to harm them or put them ahead or behind their peers.

zingally · 05/09/2021 16:48

My two did 3 full days a week in nursery from age 2.5, because of mine and my husbands work.
I bumped them up to 4 full days a week when they turned 4 in January. Partly because I wanted them to be school-ready, and partly because they just seemed bored with me at home!

If you don't HAVE to send your DS, and you think he's actually "not ready" as opposed to "being a bit slow to settle", then keep him at home another term. Try again after Christmas and you'll probably find he'll be completely different by then. Kids change so much at this age.

firstimemamma · 05/09/2021 16:48

I used to teach early years and yes they do benefit a lot from going. Your child is settling in and it's completely normal for them to be upset as they adjust.

I sent my 2 and a half year old ds to nursery, just for 2 hours twice a week. At first he hated it and it broke my heart - so I can relate to you completely. I used to cry and cry at home and agonise over whether we'd done the right thing. It was truly awful. After about a month he gradually seemed a bit more willing to go and as time went on he genuinely started to love nursery. 'I want to go to nursery! When can I see my nursery friends again?' On and on he went and he just sailed in each time with a big smile and often forgetting to say goodbye to me. He had his last day a few weeks ago and honestly so many of my mum friends have commented on how different he is now. So much more confident and sociable with children he doesn't know e.g at the park. Runs up and says 'hi I'm name want to play?' and he never did stuff like that before nursery. It was the best thing we did for him, a transformation happened in him really, and he starts at a new pre-school tomorrow. I'm secretly not really looking that forward to it as I'll miss him (it's every morning this time) but I know he'll learn to love it there too.

Give it time. Children take time to settle and adjustThanks

Sirzy · 05/09/2021 16:49

I would wait a few weeks before making any decisions either way. He needs time to settle in before you decide it’s not working.

Disneycharacter · 05/09/2021 16:50

Of course he doesn't have to go. If you can provide plenty of entertainment and interaction with other children maybe try again later.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 05/09/2021 16:51

No.

Usuallyhappycamper · 05/09/2021 16:52

Definitely don't have to, but there are benefits. Being left for the first time for a full school day can be a lot harder than regular short settle in sessions. They will be more used to a structured environmental and being exposed to colds etc will be good for their immune system in the long run. If you don't need it for childcare, you could build up slowly to the full morning. But ultimately, no there is no need to do it at all and plenty of kids will be fine with school and no pre school.

Pluckyduck · 05/09/2021 16:52

Hi there. How old is your ds? Have they ever been in a childcare setting?
I think the simple answer is no they don’t have to go, but don’t forget they do have to go to school and it’s good to get them ready for that in my opinion . It’s always hard when they first go to nursery/preschool regardless of age.
Maybe give it a few more weeks, if he’s on the younger side maybe wait till after Christmas to start him back?
It does get it easier.

Changechangychange · 05/09/2021 16:52

The crying wouldn’t worry me as long as he stops quickly once you’ve gone - DS did that off and on for months when I dropped him (skipped in quite happily when DH dropped him, the swine).

But he absolutely enjoyed himself while he was there. Made friends, loved the food, loved the garden, loved the messy play and art, loved all the toys, loved the trips to forest school. Happily did stuff with them he would never do with us (dressing himself, tidying up, cutting up food by himself - feigns helplessness with us). So I’m really glad he went. And started reception last week with no issues whatsoever, whereas other kids were bawling.

Whinge · 05/09/2021 16:55

Happily did stuff with them he would never do with us (dressing himself, tidying up, cutting up food by himself - feigns helplessness with us).

This is a great point. Often children don't show all of what they're capable of, or might not get a chance to show other skills as it's just not something that comes up when they're with parents.